Relationships Happiness - Say Yes, Only When You Mean Yes

by Beth Banning and Neill Gibson

Are honesty and building trust important to you, and yet sometimes--even though you just don't feel like it--when your friends and family ask you to do something or go somewhere, you agree to their request anyway?

It's not uncommon or "wrong" to want to do what feels good to you. Even if the person asking you is one of the dearest people in your life--not wanting to do exactly what they want or spend time with them doesn't mean you don't love them. And being friend or family doesn't mean you have to agree to a request when it's not what you want to do.

Find out how happier you can be by doing only what feels right to you and still maintain your important relationships. Read on and discover the key to happiness in all your relationships.

We imagine you're reading this article because you want to create happy, healthy, and satisfying relationships. This can only happen if you spend time with someone or do something for them when you actually want to --when hanging out with them or doing what they've asked is the most wonderful thing you can imagine doing in that moment.

We don't agree with the idea that if you love someone, being "selfless" shows your love. This idea of being selfless--and the utter impossibility of it--is probably what's causing the majority of relationship problems.

Why Say Yes When You Mean No

A relationship is not just about what one person wants. We find that many people don't know how to use their own inner guidance to understand themselves and stay true to what's most important to them. Yet this is vital to learn; it's an essential component for creating enjoyable, fulfilling relationships.

So why do you say yes when you mean no? Do you fear losing the relationship? The odd thing is that when you say yes when you really want to say no, one of two things normally happens next. Either you either do what you said you would do and end up feeling resentful--which the other person can almost always sense, and which then in turn harms the relationship. Or you find ways to get out of what you said you'd do, usually by lying, or making excuses--which can also harm the relationship.

We suggest you start giving yourself permission to say no. This is the first key to happiness in your relationships. Be honest with yourself--never attempt to hang out with anyone unless it's the most wonderful thing you can imagine doing. Never do something for someone unless you identify why doing it is important to you.

Sometimes spending time with or doing something for someone will be the most wonderful thing you can do, and at other times it won't be. We recommend that you start using your emotions as your inner guidance. They will tell you when you feel like spending time with people and when you don't. When you feel like contributing by doing something for someone else and when you don't.

What Happens When You Don't Say No

Let's look at a specific example to see just how this would play out.

Imagine that your significant other wants to go to a movie. You say yes but what you'd rather be doing is reading a book that you've been waiting to read. You start getting ready for the movie and notice yourself feeling uncomfortable and irritated.

This all happens because you're afraid to be honest with yourself. You'd rather be reading, but what if saying you don't want to go to the movies ruins your relationship... because of some idea that you should hang out with this person--no matter what--you go against your own desires-- your own inner guidance.

If you say yes when you really mean no, you're almost guaranteed to start to feel a sense of discomfort. You might even start blaming the other person for being controlling. This will create just the opposite of the happy, healthy, and satisfying relationships you want.

Do What You Love and Happiness Will Follow

So the key to happiness and all your relationships is, Don't Say Yes When You Mean No.

Let's recap:
1.Pay more attention to how you are and what you want most.
(use your emotions as your inner guidance)
2. Start giving yourself permission to say NO when you want to say NO.
3.Anytime you feel uncomfortable, stop and ask yourself: "Is spending time with this person or doing this thing what will give me the greatest joy right now?"
4.Be more honest with the people in your life about what's going on for you.

When you begin to be more honest with yourself about how you are and what you want, it will become easier to be honest with others. As you practice, you will also start to notice that you feel freer and more willing and comfortable when it comes to contributing to the people in your life.

Remember, this is only the first step and there are many more understandings and skills for creating and sustaining extremely satisfying relationships than we can go into here. But for now, be patient, be gentle with yourself and others and practice, practice, practice.