The "Rubber Band" theory in relationships-- Is it real?

By Susie and Otto Collins


IMPORTANT: If you've ever felt like you couldn't say what
you thought or how you felt to your partner or spouse out
of fear for what they might say, do or how they'd react...

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they'll say, what they'll think or how they'll react.

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If there's one dynamic that's a sticky issue between two people
who decide to be a couple, it's this...

One person feels the need to "retreat" every now and then
and the other person feels unloved and abandoned when
it happens.

Pretty simple to describe but not simple to deal with!

One of our long time subscribers to our newsletters wrote
to ask if we support the "rubber band" theory in relationships
in relationship breakthrough coaching practice.

We hope we're talking about the same thing because
as we think about it, the first time we heard about the
"rubber-band" theory was when we originally read
John Gray's book "Men are from Mars, Women are
from Venus."

While we know that many people get a lot of benefit
from John Gray's gender difference information, we
think the issue is much broader and deeper than
just being about a differences between men and
women.

We have seen this dynamic too many times in both
genders to assign one set of behaviors to one and
another set to another.

In the past, we've called this dynamic the
"relationship push-pull."

Here's a description of what we've seen...

One person (either gender) pulls away for whatever
reason and the other person pushes in some form
or another because he or she feels a loss of love
and connection.

Why do some people feel the need to pull away at
times?

--Overwhelm --the need to feel "in control" when
emotions get out of control.

--Habit--the way you learned to "resource"
yourself or make yourself feel better--maybe
from watching someone in your family do it
that way.

--Protection--you may feel threatened in some
way and feel the need to withdraw and protect
yourself.


So why do some people "push" when the partner
pulls away (even though they may not think they
are pushing)?

--Fear--you feel abandoned and fear that your
love will be taken away from you.

--Habit--you learned to "push" when you weren't
getting what you wanted.

--Protection--you learned to protect yourself
from losing what you have by reacting and pushing.


We could go on and on but the point is that we
are all different and react differently to situations
and to the triggers in our lives.

What can you do about it if you're in this kind of
dynamic?

The woman sent us the question told us that she
and her boyfriend were working through it. He is
beginning to recognize when he pulls away and
is also trying to reassure her that he will be back.

She has shared with him how his pulling away
makes her feel and she "allows him to pull away"
but maybe "not at the level he thinks it should be."

We think the two of them are taking solid steps
toward understanding one another, allowing each
other to be who they are, and keeping their connection--
even when it's tough.

Here are some more suggestions...

1. Notice your patterns and when you either withdraw
and pull away or feel abandoned and either push
against or withdraw.

Don't label it "right or wrong." Just notice what
happens.

2. Go inside.

When you notice you are doing whatever it is you
are doing to separate from each other, instead
of trying to figure it out in your head, take your
attention to the feeling.

From the feeling, you may get a sense of what
you need.

For instance, if you withdraw, you may get a
strong sense that you feel out of control or
fearful for some reason and you need to be
alone for awhile--and it may or may not have
anything to do with your partner.

Or you may feel suffocated and it comes
down to a fear of commitment and a fear of
opening deeply to another.

If you feel abandoned, feel what you need--
maybe it's reassurance and maybe it's just
to learn to resource yourself in some way.

3. Keep the lines of communication open.

Like our newsletter subscriber, allow yourself
to open to listening and understanding how the
other person thinks and feels.

Even if you've been in a relationship with each
other for many years, there is still much to learn
if you truly listen.

Have the courage to say what you need--not
from blame but from your heart.