What To Do If You Have a Toxic Boss

Have you ever had a boss who was so bad that the situation was harmful to you both mentally and physically?
In one of my early jobs, a project manager who was my superior but not my direct manager, apparently saw his role as merely to criticize everything I did, in front of my colleagues. He was not mean-spirited. He just didn’t know any better. I don’t think he took any training to become a good leader or manager. For about four years, I don’t recall him ever giving me a compliment. I used to dread seeing him coming to my desk, because I knew I was going to hear a criticism from him for something or another. It started to affect me physically. My left eye started to feel physical pain and my eyelid experienced uncontrollable spasms from time to time.

I decided to look for another job and did leave before acquiring a permanent handicap. I was not able to discuss my feelings with my boss or anyone else. I didn’t know it at the time, but now I know that at the time I have a low emotional intelligence, which includes a healthy competency of self management and the management of relationships. Fortunately, EQ is learnable and increasable, and I was able to significantly boost my EQ over time through a combination of learning, higher awareness, and experience.

What should you do if you have a boss who is toxic?

Most likely, this boss has a low emotional intelligence. He or she might be very bright and technically competent. But this does not necessarily mean a healthy level of emotional intelligence. The key aspects of emotional intelligence include self awareness, social awareness, social relationship management, optimism, and the ability to empathize with others. A toxic boss is likely to be lacking in some or all of these attributes. Because of a lack of self awareness, the toxic boss does not realize his own deficiency, nor does he recognize his effect on others. He also lacks the ability to put himself in the other’s shoes.

If you have a toxic boss, consider the following possibilities:

• Discuss with your boss how his behavior affects you. Make sure to express that the reason you are taking the risk of being open is your strong desire to have a positive relationship with your boss and to do a good job.
• Be specific as to what exactly cause you pain in your relationship. Refer to exact behavior (you don’t give me encouraging feedback) or exact words.
• Give your boss examples of the kind of behavior or communication that will help you.
  If these don’t yield results, talk in confidence to someone in the Human Resources or Training department. Don’t put it as a complaint against your boss. Put it in the form of your asking for advice as to how to win your boss over.
• See if there are certain workshops you, or your boss, or both of you, can take to improve the working relationship.
• Give your boss a book on emotional intelligence, or leadership, or communication and feedback – whatever the area of need is - as a gift. Say that you liked the book and found it to be helpful personally and thought that it offers new insights to human performance.
• If all these fail, look for another job before the situation causes you permanent damage.
  

© 2006 Francois Basili, developer of “Applying EQ at Work” training program.