Three Ways To Build Emotional Intimacy

Mark Rogers, Ph.D.

This article is addressed TO guys, but it’s FOR gals.

Nearly every female client or trainee I’ve talked with in the last three decades has wanted to have more emotional intimacy with her mate. And about two-thirds of the males I’ve talked with haven’t understood how to create emotional intimacy without doing something sexual.

Here are three ways to create emotional intimacy without doing anything particularly erotic, guys. These are the instructions for giving your mate what she is craving, maybe even begging for, that you and you alone are able to give her. And you can do it without having to make those awkward-feeling negotiations about sex.

1. Talk about your feelings. (No, wait, you don’t have to run screaming from the room.)

   Most guys have a limited vocabulary about feelings, so it’s often difficult to get the message across. But that doesn’t have to be a real problem. In fact, it can be an advantage.

   Talking about your feelings is merely a matter of checking the compass points.

   There are four main feeling directions, and you can just walk your way through them in a conversation with your mate.

   What happened ‘today’ that made you angry (or frustrated, or ticked off, or resentful, etc.)?

   What happened that led you to feel fearful (or anxious, or worried, or concerned, or defensive, or anything like fear)?

   What happened that led you to feel sad (or hurt, or depressed, or discouraged, etc.)?

   What happened that you enjoyed (or felt happy about, delighted by, laughed over, etc.)?

   You don’t HAVE to talk about your relationship with your mate; in fact, you are likely to mess things up if you do. Better to stay away from those topics when you are trying to build intimacy, unless you can talk only about joy in relation to your mate.

2. Hang out with your mate, without roles or agenda.

   Spend time together, just doing something – especially, anything that might be fun or companionable – but don’t make it about teaching or problem-solving or anything that puts you into roles or agendas.

   When guys go bowling together, or work on a car, or sit in a hunting blind, they are building emotional intimacy this way.

   Do something that doesn’t take a ton of emotional energy or intellectual focus - just hang out.

   The activity should be diverting enough that it feels like mostly fun, but the side effect of being together is a major benefit of the hanging out time. This hanging out time is usually filled by women, when they hang out with each other, by talking about feelings or relationships. But guys don’t usually do that.

   During the romantic courtship phase, guys and gals do a lot of hanging out and talking about things (not about feelings or relationships, necessarily). We spend time together and just enjoy each other’s company.

3. Work through an ordeal together.

   When there’s a problem, an emergency, or a disaster, surviving it together automatically builds intimacy.

   Doing something difficult – and doing it together – builds a kind of ordeal-intimacy that is powerful and positive, even if the ordeal itself is profoundly negative.

   Happy couples never waste a good conflict. They know that working through problems together – even if that is painful, difficult, and gut-wrenching – will lead them to feeling warmly connected afterwards. Eventually. It may take a day or two for the raw feelings to subside.

   Working alongside your mate to deal with kid problems, clearing out the garage to avoid a hailstorm pummeling your car, or staffing a food line at the nearest homeless shelter – all of these are ways to build intimacy by confronting a challenge together.

The first option feels awkward to guys because we aren’t usually socialized for that kind of conversation. But doing the second and the third are well within the norm of male behavior. Inviting your mate to do them with you, and pushing yourself to walk through the four compass points of emotions, can pay big benefits in the relationship.