Love, Relationships and Keeping The Dialog Going (Even When It gets Tough)...

by Susie and Otto Collins
He's highly opinionated, provocative and some people would argue that "Dr. Phil, "the American psychologist and televisionpersonality, doesn't agree with very much of anything anyone else says but....

One thing's for sure-- after reading something he wrote in a national magazine, we certainly know that he agrees with us on thisrelationship issue and here's what it is..

Since we've been talking about the importance of no longer "talking on eggshells" in your relationships (especially your intimate relationship or marriage), we couldn't help but notice Dr. Phil's response to a reader'squestion about this communication issue.

Her question was about how to deal with her sister who makes comments that are objectionable to her.

The woman explained that the last time she had talked with her sister, she was so angry with her that she hung up on her.

In the "Oprah Magazine" article, Dr. Phil tells her to restart the conversation between them by apologizing for hanging up on her.

He then said that the only way to possibly influence her sister and one day get close to her again is to keep the lines of communication open rather than do things to close them.

He went on to say ... "You NEVER make progress (in a relationship) by stopping the dialog..."

Not only do we completely agree with him on this, but he is confirming everything we've been saying about the importance of communicating from the heart in an authentic way and not "talking on eggshells."

In a relationship, keeping the dialog open is the only way we've found to move toward understanding and deeper connection when there's conflict between two people.

It's so easy to say but not always easy to do.

What we have found is-- the minute you stop the dialog by withdrawing, getting angry, lashing out at the other person, or walking out, you end all possibility of reconnecting with that person unless one of you says or does something to open it back up.

While it's never possible to completely understandsomeone else's words, actions and motivations(because we don't look out at the world in thesame way), it is possible to understand enoughto keep your connection, love, friendship, intimacyor closeness.

Even if you can't agree with him or her, you canaccept and understand that this person is notyou and may have completely different internalguidance about whatever it is that has createdthe conflict between the two of you.

Take Otto and his 19 year old son...Otto disagrees with his son's plans for summer work.After worrying that his son was making a big mistake,Otto realized a few things. He realized that he wasn'tgoing to change his son's mind because Otto hadalready told him what he would do in the samesituation--and it's not what his son wants to do.

Otto also realized that it might not even be his job tochange his son's mind. Just because Otto thinks hehas the answer for the direction of his son's life, Ottocould be wrong. His son needs to follow his owninternal guidance instead of Otto's.

When Otto asked himself what he wanted most withhis son, the answer was to have a great relationshipand to continue to connect with him.

So, instead of holding on to his point of view and continuing to hammer home his viewpoint on this particular topic, Otto chose to try to understand why his son was making the choices that he wasmaking.

He decided to keep their connection strong and theircommunication open.Since we've been talking a lot about our new program"Stop Talking on Eggshells," you might be thinkingthat Otto is "talking on eggshells" with his son.

In our opinion, he isn't and here's why...Otto told his son about what he thought he should doabout this particular decision. Otto also realized thathe needed to try to understand why his son was makingthe choices he was making and that his son might beright.

Otto didn't agree with his son but kept the dialogopen between them by changing his thinking andletting go of having to be right. Otto allowed room for the connection between them to stay alive and well.

If Otto talked on eggshells with his son, he mighthave withdrawn from him or be fearful of saying what he thought about his son's choices.He didn't do those things. He kept his connectionwith his son foremost in his heart and his mind.

So, does the dialog stop with anyone in your lifeover certain topics or situations?If so and if this relationship is important to you,what ways might you be true to yourself andalso reopen the conversation and reconnectwith this person?

Connection, love, understanding and intimacydo not happen by accident. They all happenbecause we are open to it and we do thingsthat will create them.Take time today to deepen connections withthe important people in your life and allowyourself to open to continuing the dialogwith as much love as possible.