How to release past hurts and betrayals in order to gain more trust in your relationship

by Susie and Otto Collins

Have you ever felt hurt or betrayed by anyone, anywhere or anytime in your past?No matter what age you are, we're guessing thatyou said "yes" to the above question. We've certainly had them. You may not consciously think about them but they are there, coloring your values, beliefs, thoughts, actions and interactions with others--unless you've done some deep healing.As you may have already experienced, these pasthurts can certainly affect new relationships inharmful ways.

Here are a couple of really good questions aboutthis issue from a person who responded to ourlatest survey on trust...

"How do you release past hurts and betrayals inorder to gain more trust in your relationship? Howdo you not project those past hurts onto yourcurrent partner?"

Here's something that we feel really sure insaying...

Some of the reasons we come together in anyrelationship are to help each other to heal, to learn and to grow-- and this includes healing past hurts.

The opportunity for healing in a relationship can come in the form of showing us an exaggerated version of the scenario from the past that we're holding on to, a mirror for us, or showing us an alternative way of being. What we're saying is that if you've buried pasthurts, they will come up--but that doesn't meanthat they have to ruin your current relationship.

While our tendency as humans is to createsimilar situations over and over until we learnfrom them, heal and grow, we can start tomake healthy choices that can help us enjoyourselves a whole lot more in our relationships.

Here are some ideas that both of us haveused to help heal past hurts, create moretrust, and deeper love and connection inour relationship...

1. Recognize when you are triggered andcarried into the past. Ask yourself if youranger, withdrawal or whatever you happento do when you are triggered is eithermagnified by something that happened inyour past or maybe even totally from yourpast. In other words, can you identify whether you were triggered entirely by what's happening in the present or is your reaction mostly from what happenedin your past?

2. Identify your thoughts and fears andquestion them. You may have heard thesaying that fear is False Evidence AppearingReal. We suggest that you write yourthoughts and fears on paper and thenquestion their truth in your current life.

3. If you aren't sure whether your reactionsor fears are about the past or the present,ask your partner for a clarification aboutwhatever triggered you before you react.Ask with curiosity, not blame.

4. Practice discernment. Create ways todifferentiate one partner from another whenyou are triggered--whether your currentpartner is actually "doing" anything ortreating you as someone in your pasttreated you--or not.

Ask yourself--"How is this person or thisexperience different from my currentpartner or situation?" Find evidence thatsupports this difference.You might even keep this "evidence" ona note card where you will see it often.

5. Remind yourself that "that was thenand this is now." You are not the personyou were when you had those previousexperiences and although you may feelthere are some similarities with your current partner, remind yourself that you can make different choices.

You can make those choices not fromfear, but from what you want more of.You can choose to focus on what youwant and not on what you don't want--and look for evidence that it's there.

That's not to say that you close youreyes to harmful patterns that areactually repeating in your life.But it is to say that you look at what'shappening in your present with honestyand curiosity and not stay stuck in pastemotions. Don't allow your past to create your present and future.