Can you manufacture or create passion?

by Susie and Otto Collins

A common story plot in relationships and marriages goes something like this...Boy meets girl. Boy chases girl. Girl is reluctant.Boy wins over girl and they live in bliss, happilyever after.While that makes for a good story, when you'redealing with real life, it doesn't always work outthat way.The other day, we received a message from awoman who asked if it was possible for her tofall in love with her husband.They had been married for six years andalthough she thinks he is a wonderful, attractiveman and they communicate well together--shedoesn't think she was ever "IN love" with him,although she loves him.

She said that he was (and still is) full of passionfor her but she has no desire to be intimate with him or even kiss him.She said that she wants to stay married and tofeel passion for her husband and was looking for some advice...

This is such a broad and far reaching topic that we couldn't hope to do it justice with this one article.

That being said, we do think the things we share below will certainly give you some new ways you can begin to shift in your relationship if you can relate to any of what this woman is going through in her relationship. While most people would say that they wereIN love when they married, many would say,maybe privately, that they have lost passion for one another and are just going through the motions as the years go by.For any number of reasons, passion hasreceded into the background of theirrelationship.

So the question is--Can you manufacture passion if you loveeach other or does it strictly have to dowith the chemistry that you either have ordon't have together and can lose over time?

We'll say that it certainly helps if thechemistry is there but long-term passionhas a whole lot to do with something else.It has to do with masculine and femininepolarity that creates the spark for eachperson.It also has to do with the desire for more and the willingness to do something about it.
While we certainly advocate couplestreating each other with kindness andlove, that alone doesn't necessarilycreate the passion for intimacy thatmost of us want in our relationships.From what we see both in our dailylives and in the couples we work with in relationship coaching, many people are just going through the motions in their relationship and not consciously creating what it is they want.

Then, one day they wake up and start wondering something like "is this all there is?" Not good. Especially if your relationship or marriage is important to you. So how can you create passion and intimacy if you don't have it even though you love eachother?

Here are a few ideas...
1. Make it your number one priority to create it.

2. Next, read, study and learn everything you can get your hands on to help you expand your thinking, your vision of possibilities as well as your relationship and intimacy skills.

3. On a purely practical note, set it as your goalto create one passionate evening or even one passionate moment a week.Take the time to create a romanticsetting with candles, music or whateverappeals to you. Make your intimacytime an event and not just a routine--"It's Sunday night so it must be love-making time."

4. Women: Be a greater expression of radiance and beauty in the world.Keep in mind that beauty doesn't meanbeing a size 2 and 25 years old. It's allin how you feel about yourself and howmuch of your true essence you allow yourself to express. One way to embrace more of your feminine essence is to dress up in something that flows and "oozes" femininity and sensuality, especiallyfor yourself and your loved one. Try wearing something that is a little bit beyond your comfort zone of what you would normally wear and something you feel pretty wearing.If it makes you a little uncomfortable because you think it's a bit beyond the "real you," then it's probably a good thing in your expansion in your femininity. You're not dressing for the whole world here. You're dressing for yourself and your partner with the purpose of pumping up the passion between the two of you.

5. Men, bring an attitude of honoring her feminine presence to your romanticevent.In the other parts of your life... ask yourself questions like... What is my purpose in life? How can I live my life from that place? If you don't have or can't seem to find adefiniteness of purpose, if you want to embrace more of your masculine essence, then you should consider making it your goal to find your "purposein life."

6. Men and Women: Take the time to connect and touch before intimacy. Relax so that passion can flow.So often we hold ourselves so tightfrom the stresses of the day that there'sno way that energy can flow in yourbody, let alone passion.

7. Focus your thoughts on beingcompletely in the present momentwith your loved one.When your thoughts come in, evenones that say "I'm not feeling anything"or "Let's just get on with this and getit over," gently focus your attentionback on your body and your connectionwith your partner.

8. Shift your state to possibility andtreat it as if you already have thepassion that you want to feel.What if it were possible to feel anattraction and passion for yourpartner?Allow yourself to open enoughthat that possibility might exist.You may even try treating it asif it already is.While there are all sorts of reasonsthat keep us from feeling passion,including past abuses, there areways to begin feeling if you arenow in a safe and lovingrelationship. This is only thebeginning.

Even if you aren't currently in anintimate relationship, beginexperimenting with focusingyour thoughts on the currentmoment and feeling the pleasureof touch.So can you manufacture passion?