A Guide to Gift Giving and Receiving

By Susie and Otto Collins

Since we are approaching the holiday season,we thought that a little gift giving and receivingadvice might be helpful.Whether you're in a committed love relationshipor not--Gift giving can be fun but it can also open upa can of "relationship worms" that areuncomfortable to deal with.

Have you ever given a loved one a gift andended up feeling lousy either about what yougave or how you think it was received?Have you ever received a gift from your partneror anyone else that you just didn't know what todo with? You wanted to be gracious andappreciative, but you also don't want to flatout lie.Contrary to what you might see on television ads,the potential pitfalls of gift giving and receiving incan be huge, especially in a love relationship.

Some couples end up choosing not to exchangegifts, in part, because of the many confusingmessages and signs that can accompany gifts.But it's not the gifts that are causing the problemshere.No, it's the baggage that's already present withineach person in the relationship and between thetwo people that can stand in the way of a trulyconnecting giving and receiving experience.Perhaps you feel lack when it comes to money inyour life. You would like to buy that stunningdiamond you've seen in the jewelry store forbut can't begin to come up with that kind of cash.Or maybe you think that your partner or your lovedone spends too much money on you and you don'tfeel like you can reciprocate in the same way dueeither to concerns about your budget or becauseyou just don't feel worthy of the expenditure.Or maybe you just fear that you can't please himor her and don't want to even try.

Whether it's financial fears, self-esteem issues, orother reasons, your limiting beliefs, assumptionsand perceptions can prevent you and your loveones from enjoying the exchange of gifts.Are we saying that you have to shower your partneror any other loved one with expensive materialitems in order to have a great relationship?Absolutely not!When we talk about giving and receiving gifts, wearen't just referring to the packages you unwrap onbirthdays, holidays or other special occasions.

For us, we decided when we were first together thatwe would not "buy" gifts for one another on specialoccasions but rather plan special events that wewould both find fun and would bring us closer--some not costing anything like a private "spa"night for just the two of us.While you may not make that agreement with yourloved ones, we are suggesting that you broadenyour thinking about giving and receiving.It might include helping out your aging parents orhaving lunch with a sibling or a friend who's havingproblems--or even making a phone call to someonewho's been on your mind.It might include the back rubs you give your mateor the way you let him or her sleep in while you getup with the kids on Saturday morning-- that goingthe extra step to demonstrate your love to yourpartner in a unique way.

Noah always feels his shoulders tighten aroundthe holidays. He wants so much to wow his long-timegirlfriend Emma with a fabulous gift but doesn't feellike he ever gets it right.Noah feels constrained by what he can spend andalso in figuring out what Emma would like. One year,out of desperation, when he asked her for giftsuggestions, she was no help at all as sherecommended that he not buy her anything.

For her part, Emma didn't want Noah to spend anymoney on her and would rather skip the entireseason. She didn't mind buying for him, but oftenfelt guilty when Noah spent money on her.Do any of these dynamics sound familiar?There can be a lot of miscommunication in arelationship around the exchange of gifts. If acouple allows their limited beliefs and assumptionsto dictate the giving and receiving of gifts, there issure to be disappointment and hurt feelings.But through clear communication-- both withinyourself and with your partner-- gifts can be apart of more passionately and deeply connectingin your love relationship, as well as otherrelationships that are important to you.

Whatever you give, give freely and with love.Yes, we absolutely advise you to be aware ofyour financial means at this moment and notpurchase a gift that you'll be paying off foryears to come.That diamond might look stunning (andprobably is) but there are plenty of othergifts you could choose that can be just aspleasing for you to give and your partnerto receive.If you are wiped out after a long day atwork and you go ahead and give yourmate a foot rub because you feel likeyou "have to," that resentful energy willcome through in your gift.As you choose a gift for your partner, askyourself if you can give this gift freely andwith love.

Do you feel excited about what you'vechosen to give? If there are doubts orqualms within you about giving this gift,then pause and look more closely at what'scoming up emotionally for you.Noah just about broke into a cold sweatwhen he walked into a shopping mall withthe mission of buying a gift for Emma.He didn't want to add to his credit carddebt and end up giving her something shewon't like. Recognizing the barrage of fearswithin himself, Noah left the mall and wentto a nearby park to just sit and sort through hisfeelings.

When Noah acknowledged how he wasfeeling, it's easier to shift his focus to whathe wants-- which is to give Emma a physicalshow of his love.As he reminded himself of the many ways heconsistently demonstrated his love to Emma, hefelt less pressure to try to contain all of his lovein one material item (because, after all, thatwould be impossible).With this new sense of ease, Noah cames upwith a gift idea that he believed Emma will reallyappreciate and that fits his budget.Whatever you receive, receive openly and withlove.Noah instantly thought about how much Emmaused to love a particular brand of perfume. Whenhe smelled that scent, it still reminded him of theirfirst date.When he remembered Emma commenting that sheonly wore the perfume on special occasions nowbecause she doesn't want to spend money onmore, he felt confident in his decision to give her abottle of this perfume.

Now it's up to Emma to receive this given-from-the-heart gift with an sense of openness and love.If she allowed her fears about money and concernsabout Noah's checkbook to rule her mind, she willclose herself to the care and love that's behind thegift.But if she can allow herself to receive with a senseof openness and appreciation, the effects of theexchange can be long-lasting and expand beyondperfume in a bottle.You don't have to lie and claim that you adore agift that is just not the right fit for you. Shift yourfocus to your partner's show of care and thisattempted demonstration of his or her love.

You can ask for the receipt to return the gift laterif you choose to, but for now, soak in all of thegood feelings that went into the giving of thisgift.Allow yourself to bask in the glow of the loveyou two share.Whether you are giving or receiving gifts withyour partner or another loved one, be sure youare present along the way.When purchasing or coming up with a gift idea,keep forefront in your mind the passion andexcitement of your connection.Stay present in the moment when you exchangegifts as well. It is here in this moment that youcan fully celebrate the love you share.Begin your practice of consciously giving andreceiving right now and see how much loveexpands in your life.