35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People Say: Surprising Things We Say That Widen the Diversity Gap

By Dr. Maura Cullen

We have all said the 'wrong' thing at the 'wrong' time. But what if we were able to know beforehand what some of these wrong things are which hurt or offend people? What if we could avoid saying them and reduce the risk of negative personal and professional consequences? Wouldn't you want to know?

Top 5 Dumb Things Not to Say

Here are five out of the 35 common Dumb Things we say. To understand why these statements are offensive, you must focus on the impact it has on the other person, and not on your intent.

"Some of my best friends are..."
"I don't think of you as..."
"I don't see color, I'm colorblind."
"You are so articulate."
"Where are you REALLY from?"

Two Things You Need to KNOW to Avoid Common Pitfalls

In my book, "35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People Say," I share ten skills that enable people to make an immediate shift in their ability to have effective interactions while avoiding some of the pitfalls and consequences that often accompany our diversity discussions. Here are two of those skills.

1. Intent vs. Impact

Have words come out of your mouth before you could stop them? Are there times when what you meant to say didn't come out exactly as you had hoped? If you are like most of us, your response is probably a resounding "Yes!" People often make statements which they intend to be supportive or complimentary, but end up being problematic. Even well-intended people cause harm, and as a result, many of us are not aware that we have done anything harmful or offensive. However, just because we may not intend to hurt someone doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt.

Here's an example; if someone accidentally steps on your foot, it hurts, even if they didn't intend to hurt you. They can apologize and say it was an accident, but the bottom line is your foot still hurts. Even though it was not their intent to hurt you, the impact on you is painful.

2. P.O.P.

The Pile On Principle (P.O.P.) is critical in understanding why people sometimes "overreact." P.O.P. is easily demonstrated by the parent who loses their patience after the tenth time their child has asked the same question despite the parent telling them to stop. You end up yelling at the child out of frustration.

For many, a similar frustration comes from the experience of being asked the same questions a multitude of times over a lifetime. What follows are some of the "Top 5 Dumb Things" which tend to put many people over the top.

To demonstrate the Pile On Principle, let's continue with the example we started in the intent and impact section with your foot being stepped on.

You get up in the morning and stub your toe -- not a good start. You go to work where someone accidentally steps on that foot -- more pain. Later that day, someone accidentally drops something heavy on that foot -- much more pain. However, you don't want to "overreact," so you hide your pain and frustration while accepting their apologies. Later that day, someone drops a piece of paper on that foot and you blow up in frustration. You just can't take it anymore. You are tired of being hurt.

This is one day in the life of your foot. Now imagine a lifetime of being stepped on by well-intended people who didn't mean to hurt you. A harmless joke, the use of a certain word, acts of exclusion can cause people great harm. They are not overreacting; rather they are tired of being hurt.

Two Things You Need to Know to Improve Your Diversity Competence

Acquiring knowledge of some of the Dumb Things statements is a great start to improving your relationships, both personally and professionally. Here are some other useful strategies.

1. B.A.R.

Breathe-Acknowledge-Respond. This is a powerful tool and perhaps the best way to manage uncomfortable or emotionally charged discussions. This is a simple yet effective way to deal with inappropriate or offensive comments.

Step One - BREATHE: Take a deep breath. It is the quickest and most effective way to calm down.

Step Two - ACKNOWLEDGE: Acknowledge what the person is saying. An important distinction to make here is to acknowledge what someone is saying does not mean you have to agree with them.

Step Three - RESPOND: The key here is to respond, not react. Reacting can be problematic because it is action without thought. In order to respond, however, you have to slow the process down to find a moment to think, which is why taking a deep breath is so critical.

2. Shift from "Me" to "We"

We cannot get to "we" if all we focus on is "me." When someone confronts us about our language or our jokes, we tend to get defensive. We make it all about us; we focus on "me." Instead, remember the Pile On Principle, that this may not be the first time they have had that word or a similar joke said to them.

Do good intentions count for something?

Yes, most people would rather deal with someone whose intentions are good than someone that intentionally inflicts harm. While good intentions are important, they cannot eradicate the harmful impact that some statements may cause. The only way to reduce the negative impact of our words is to change our conversations. Fortunately, these skills can be learned and therefore effectively improve our relationships.