Tips for a Happier Relationship

by Deborah Fox

Much of this article could best be categorized as common sense. So, why would I bother to write about something as common as common sense? I think the answer lies in the same directory of life as the saying “When all else fails, read the directions”. We so often don’t look to the obvious as a solution, but spin ourselves in circles trying to right wrongs by coming up with complicated, deeply analyzed solutions. And, many times, that’s appropriate. However, the following suggestions may be a better place to start.


TREAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP AS A PRIORITY

How often is your relationship last on your list of priorities - or not even an item on the list? If you treated other things this way, think of what would happen - if you didn’t treat the garbage as a priority and ignored it , it would rot and then stink. Sound familiar? Cars can’t run without gasoline and relationships can’t go well without attention.


IF ONLY MY PARTNER WOULD. . . . . OR WOULD STOP . . . . .

Forget it. We’re all experts on our partners bad habits and irritating ways of living. We tend to know exactly how our partners need to change in order for them to be happier and to be a better person, and incidentally, we’d be happier too. Perhaps. However, it’s probably much more useful and productive to think of what you can do to make things go more smoothly between the two of you.


CRITICISM

Don’t do it. Remember when your relationship first began? If you were bothered by something about your partner, you either wouldn’t raise it with them or you would think carefully about how to tactfully bring it up, so as to try not to unnecessarily hurt their feelings. Try returning to that way of behaving. It can be amazing how much difference this single change can make in a relationship.


RESOLVING CONFLICTS

Remember the prior tip - don’t criticize. This, in itself, may take the punch out of things. Now, having taken the most common form of arguing off the table, what does one do? First, remember that it is very likely that your partner has not gone crazy or lost his/her mind in the last few preceding minutes. So, as you listen to your partner’s side of the issue, try putting yourself in his/her shoes. Really try. They probably have something informative to say. Hopefully, they will do the same. You will be off to a much better start. Remember some of the rules you learned in kindergarten - only one person talks at a time and let the other person finish before you start talking.

NURTURING THE PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP

This is the aspect of many a relationship which is the first to founder under any stress or tension. Sex is vital to the health of a relationship. When this bond is weakened, many other problems often arise - which we often would see as unrelated to the sexual relationship. Many people - statistically more will be men - find themselves more irritable and prone to temper flare-ups when the sexual relationship is at a low ebb. A malaise can set in, having an insidious effect on the overall relationship. At best, relationships become more like business partnerships. Or, what is called a “parallel relationship” - one in which partners are often in each other’s presence, but doing completely different things and making no real connection with each other. If you have gotten off the track sexually, try to think about what happened and when, and see what you can do improve this aspect of you relationship. More on this topic in a later article.

EXITS

An exit is something we do that keeps us from being close to our partner. The quickest, sure-fire way of finding out what you might be doing to keep a distance from your partner, ask the following question: What do I do to avoid our relationship? You might hear some of the following responses: “having the phone glued to your ear”, “endless computer games”, “disappearing into the garage”, “watching TV”. If you have the courage to ask the question, keep up the courage to listen to the answer.

FUN!

This is so often neglected! This is one of those obvious things that is so crucial to a relationship. If you find yourself doing the same thing - perhaps movie after movie - think of other options. Perhaps taking up a sport together, hiking and taking a picnic, dancing, taking a cooking class together, reading each other poetry or a novel, etc., etc. Look in the newspaper for ideas you’ve forgotten about. Be creative!