The Friendship Formula

by verticalthought.com

Before one can expect to make friends, he or she needs to see the value in having them in the first place! The old song "No Man Is an Island" is true! People need people. Those who try to prove they don't need others set themselves up for failure or disappointment in life.

If you are to make friends, you must value the need for them.

The point is, we are not made to be totally independent creatures! To be successful, we really cannot go it alone. A do-it-yourself attitude leads to a lonely life that often doesn't work very well.

As with any endeavor, building friendships needs to be based on the right foundation.

The point is simply this—our desire to develop friendships should not be based on what we can get from an individual or relationship, but what we can give (time, an ear, encouragement, support). Helping others also has an automatic reciprocal benefit for us.

Some may be reluctant to make friends because "reaching out" to others has risks. However, "reaching out" is a risk we should be willing to take.

To show others friendship, we also have to be willing to give of our time. As a formula, we could say that Kindness (K) and Time (T) lead to Friendship or K + T = Friendship!

An old anonymous saying explains: "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." Preoccupation and self-absorption will not bring fulfillment. Yet how many people spend years trying to get others interested in them rather than reaching out by showing friendliness and interest in others?

There is no substitute for being friendly. Making the first move also takes the pressure off other people. Most of the time they will be relieved that someone else has started the ball rolling. Being friendly creates an environment in which friendships can develop.

Because most people are primarily interested in themselves, they tend to have a hard time listening to others! A necessary ingredient in building friendships is being willing to sincerely listen to your friends and to concern yourself with their needs and thoughts. Be sure to also ask questions about what they are expressing to you. This shows you are genuinely interested!

Listening will not only make your friends feel better (which, let's face it, is important!), but it will also establish for you a good reputation among those who are not your friends. You'll be known as a friendly, concerned person. These qualities attract people like a magnet.

Give your undivided attention while learning the interests, goals and aspirations of the people you meet. This may seem like a hard or unnatural thing to do, but you can start by simply making a habit of asking a few, nonprobing questions about the other person. Of course, don't "drill" them with questions as if you were a lawyer, but realize that by asking a few questions, you will gain a good understanding of their interests and goals—the things that make them tick.

I'm not talking about complimenting just to try to impress someone, but giving a sincere comment of encouragement. These days, it seems that when you compliment another person, people can mistakenly think you are being insincere just to get your way. That's not what I mean at all!

If you get along well with someone, swap e-mail addresses or phone numbers and keep in touch. As always, consider whom you are developing a strong friendship with—as good friends should be trustworthy and share values similar to yours. Clearly, our best friends are going to be those with whom we share interests, including our faith and convictions.

Another key point in follow-up is to actually keep doing it—even with old friends! Sometimes people "ditch" their old friends or simply forget about them when they find new individuals who seem a bit more exciting or interesting. But good, "old" friends are hard to come by, and keeping in touch by dropping them a line every now and again is a good practice.

Being patient is a great quality that is often called the elusive virtue! It seems so few have it! In friendships, we should realize that as we desire God to be patient with us, we will at times need to give friends time to consider their actions. We need to be patient and not give up on people too quickly.

Overall, the human desire for friendship is easily understood. People simply want to share their lives, have someone to be with, to trust, to depend on and to genuinely listen to them.

We want friends who care about our feelings and perspectives, others who will tell us the hard things without meaning to hurt us and friends who will not let time or distance stop communication. We want others who will tolerate and forgive our failings and friends who will bring pleasure to others by sharing the joy in their own lives.

So don't forget these basic principles for making friends with others. And realize that if you understand the value of friendships, base relationships on outgoing concern, reach out in a friendly way, learn to listen, follow up and strive to be patient with others, you will make good friends and keep them.