If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It!

by Relationship Rich

This old saying may apply to a lot of things, but it certainly doesn't apply to marriage. Waiting until something is broken -- especially a relationship -- can be disastrous, as many spouses have learned. Our experience in working with thousands of couples in our many years of marriage counseling and coaching has taught us that the silent killer in marriages today is something we call "coasting."

Coasting can take on several different appearances as we outline below, but the biggest threat to the relationship is that there is not a major event which requires the couple to work on something. Coasting is like a slow leak. You don't really notice it until the water droplets have saturated your carpet and floor boards over months or years. It is not until the floor gives way that you even notice the problem, and then there is major damage. Major damage in a marriage can be overcome, but it is sometimes harder to revive intimate feelings lost through coasting than it is for a couple dealing with the anger and mistrust caused by infidelity.

We want to help you be proactive; therefore, we have identified some signs and symptoms of coasting.

Growing apart: Slowly moving in separate directions
Living as roommates only
Living two separate lives
Having nothing in common
Having "lost that loving feeling"
Not really wanting to spend time with each other anymore
Focusing on the kids, not each other

Settling for routines: Color and excitement are low, routines too predictable
Doing nothing new or exciting
Boring each other to death
Being very busy with activities, with little or no quality time for each other
Having TV as the main entertainment
One mate feeling very lonely and unappreciated
Losing the passion and affection and\or intimacy
Settling for a dull, boring life
Tolerating the other's behavior - not wanting to rock the boat

Pretending to be happy: Avoiding what doesn’t work and pretending everything's OK
Putting on a happy face for family, friends and co-workers – no one knows what really goes on at home
Being very successful professionally, but miserable at home
Notknowing how to talk about feelings at a heart level – usually stuffing feelings
Avoiding conflict

Being a perfectionist: It's all about getting it right. Being afraid to look bad
Having to keep up with the Joneses
Being driven to achieve
Keeping busy so they don’t have to feel or deal with themselves or the real marital issues

If any of these apply to your relationship, then do something now. Research shows that fun is the number one ingredient in happy marriages; therefore, put the FUN back into your relationship. You might also want to get some professional help to rejuvenate the relationship quickly while learning new communication tools. There are lots and lots of options. The goal is to DO SOMETHING -- especially if "it ain't broke."