Why Selfishness is Okay

by Susie and Otto Collins

Like it or not, everyone (including you, us andeveryone else) is selfish.We'd all like to think we're not selfish but, we are.In our opinion, being selfish isn't necessarily a bad thing.

In fact, being selfish can actually be a good thing but here's where the problem with being selfish comes in... Most of us have grown up with the idea that it'snot okay to be selfish. We may have been taughtthat being selfish is wrong and it's more nobleor important to put others' needs above our own.

Along these lines, many of us were also taughtthat "unselfishness" is the greatest expression of love--or the way to be in relationship, as well as all the other aspects of our lives.While ignoring another person's feelings anddesires can certainly drive a wedge betweenthe two of you, so too can acting without considering your own wants, needs or desires.What you may not understand or realize is that EVERYTHING that you, we and every one else ever does, is done for selfish reasons.

Even the desire to do something for someone else is always done for our own selfishreasons -- because what we do makes us feel good in some way. This still doesn't mean this is wrong or "bad." It's just that we find it to be very helpful to know our motivations behind the "why" of what we do.Many of us have been in situations where wereally didn't want to do something but felt wehad no other choice.

When you go ahead and do something youdon't want to do and your inner guidanceis telling you not to do it, your heart is justnot in it.When you agree to do something becauseyou are fearful that the other person willbe angry with you, be disappointed withyou, or make your life difficult if you don't,you are lying to yourself and ignoringwhat's truly inside you.And believe it or not, this can be felt by theother person. Even worse, you may feelresentful and like a victim or martyr in thosemoments.Whatever so-called self-less gift you wereintending to give to the other person is totallyundercut by your true feelings--and no trueconnection is made.

Monica was constantly "doing" for everyoneincluding her kids and her husband--and shewas tired. Not only did she have a full-timejob but she was a taxi service for her kidsafter work and helped her husband with hisbusiness in the evenings--plus she looked in on her elderly mother several times a week.As a lot of women, she had grown up with theidea that the role of a woman was to becompletely selfless, always putting her family'sneeds before her needs.

While she loved being a wife and mother, shewas beginning to secretly get resentful ofalways "doing" for others. She began to noticethat she was angrier with her loved ones thanshe used to be and she didn't know what todo about it.She didn't want to appear to be selfish butshe wanted some time for herself to do whatshe wanted to do.If you can relate in any way to Monica's situation,here are some ideas to help you create more ofwhat you want in your life, while keeping your connection with your loved ones...

1. Take a moment to breathe before youautomatically say yes!Even if you aren't ready to jump on the"selfishness" bandwagon, we encourage youto pause and take a few moments before you say yes to anything else in your life.

2. Notice what's an internal "yes" and an internal"no."Create an internal way of recognizing your "yes"and your "no." Think of a definite "yes" and noticehow that feels inside you. Now think of a definite"no" and notice the difference.Now tune in to what's being asked of you andnotice whether it has a "yes" feel to it or a "no"feel.Do your best to set aside any judgments aboutwhat's "right" or "nice" or "helpful" or "expected."Just notice the feelings you are experiencingright now. Try to remember that there are manyways for this other person to get what he or sheneeds. You are not the only avenue to what isbeing asked for.When Monica's husband asked if she wouldpick up his shirts at the dry cleaners after work,before she said yes, she paused, turned herattention inside herself and realized that shefelt a loud "no."Her day was already packed with things to doand she couldn't fit another thing into it.
3. Ask yourself what you want.Learning to listen to yourself--to your wants,needs and desires--is the first step in consciouslycreating your life. Many of us aren't even awareor think we deserve to have what we want so wego around doing what other people want us to doand living their lives--not our own.When Monica asked herself what she wanted,she realized that she not only wanted some timefor herself but also some connecting time just withher husband, without the kids. She and her husbandoften went to their kids' activities together but theyseemed to never have any time alone.
4. Ask yourself what you are willing to do, taking allof your self-judgments, guilt and expectations out ofit.Monica felt that she didn't have time in her day topick up her husband's shirts for him. Although shedidn't want to disappoint or inconvenience him,she realized that if she did this for him, she wouldnot be able to complete her other commitmentsand she would resent him.So she decided that she was not willing to sayyes to his request to pick them up today butshe was willing to pick them up the next day.
5. Express what you are willing and not willing todo from your heart space--not from guilt, angeror resentment.When Monica talked with her husband, she wasclear that what she had already committed towouldn't allow her to do as he asked but shecould pick them up the next day.She said all of this with love in her heart forherself and for her husband.He was surprised but listened to her andagreed that he could find time to pick themup himself.
6. Ask for what you want.If you completely ignore what you want, youare not really serving yourself or yourrelationship. Your relationship can't growif you hold back on what you want.When Monica told her husband that shewanted to have some time, maybe thatweekend, for just the two of them to betogether, he was excited that she hadbrought it up. He wanted the same thingbut knew how busy they both were andhadn't mentioned it.They both knew that they needed torevitalize their relationship and this wasa good beginning.So just as damaging as it can be to ignoreanother person's feelings and desires, it isperhaps even more dangerous to ignoreyour own.Knowing what you want doesn't mean youhave to stomp on another person's wants.In fact, sometimes when you act from whatyou truly desire, you find that there is roomfor everyone's needs to be met.We suggest that you leave all of yourprevious notions about selfishness behind.You might even re-think the whole concept.Tune in to your feelings and what you want. Know that you aren't the only one who coulddo what seems required of you.When you act from your heart and with anempowered willingness, not only will youfeel better, it is likely your loved ones willtoo!