The Independence vs. Dependence Juggling Act In Relationships

by Susie and Otto Collins
In the USA, it's the week of the 4th of July and that means independence day celebrations, complete with fireworks, cook-outs and get-togethers with friends and family. It's usually lots of fun and we're looking forward to attending "Red, White and Boom" which is describedas one of the biggest fireworks shows in this part of the United States.

As we were thinking about the Independence Day holiday and what we were going to do to celebrate, we couldn't help but think about independence as it relates to our relationships. Very often, there is a issue around the desire for independence (or dependence) that happens in almost every relationship or marriage that can create some real challenges for you. It's what we call the juggling act of independence vs. dependence and here's what we mean by this...

In relationships of all kinds, the idea of freedom,independence and inter-dependence (or lackthereof) can be one of the stickiest issues thatpeople and couples have to deal with.Since we're all so different, each of us has a greateror lesser desire (and need) for freedom andindependence--and that's where the "rub" comesin.If you're "too" independent in relationships, there'slittle or no connection--no matter what kind ofrelationship it is. There may be great love but theother person can feel like something is missing inthe relationship and that he/she is being held atarm's length.If you're "too" dependent (and needy), the otherperson can feel smothered and search for everyopportunity to have some freedom.

We see this dynamic a lot in couples who strugglewith jealousy but it can happen from time to timein any relationship no matter how long you've been together.

Take Carly and Tom--Tom finds that he is jealous of the time that Carlyspends with their three adult kids, and the timeshe's away from home doing various activities.Carly is fed up with Tom's jealousy and wantsthings to change.Of course there are many reasons why theirrelationship is strained but one of the mostimportant is that they aren't in sync with theirdesires for freedom and inter-dependence--and they don't know how to communicate aboutit.The bottom line is that Tom is more dependant on Carly's companionship than she is of his. And she has become more independent as the years have gone by. They also aren't clear or sure about how to reconnect deeper in their relationship with everything that's going on.You may be like Carly and Tom and be wondering about things like...

How do you cope with varying desires forfreedom and inter-dependence--while stillcreating a close, connected, open, lovingrelationship?How do you balance and honor a need forindependence as well as keep a strongconnection?How do you talk about this sticky issue?

Here are some of our ideas about how to deal with questions about independence, interdependence and connection in relationships...

1. Listen to yourself and know what you wantWe know that we sound like a broken recordbut in order to connect with another person,you have to learn to connect with yourself.Don't bury your feelings, thinking that youare being "kind" in acting in a certain waythat you think the other person wants orneeds--or you shouldn't feel that way.Not necessarily true.You can't assume that you know best forthe other person. You can only listen towhat's inside you and then let the otherperson know in a way that keeps bothof you open.In our example, Tom really wants toconnect more with his wife--just thetwo of them doing something togetherevery once in awhile. When Carly tunesinto herself, she wants peace and also wants the freedom to do what she wants to do.
2. Listen to what the other person wants with an open heart and stay in the presentmomentListening with an open heart means notassuming and jumping to conclusions. Italso means staying in the "here and now,"without leaping to the future or stayingstuck in the past.All kinds of fears and triggers can comeup when you tackle these independence/inter-dependence issues.One of the best ways to stay in the presentmoment when you're listening is to rememberwhat it is that you love about this person--and that you want to find out more abouthim or her.Our wants and desires change throughoutthe years so it's very important to learn howto listen without putting your two cents inand not allowing yourself to get triggeredby what is said.Sound impossible?Not always easy but just start practicingand see how you get better at it!

3. Express what you want in a way that opens the door between the two of you and isn't defensive, controlling or demanding.When you adopt a defensive or "pushy" manner when you are expressing what you want, the other person usually energetically "steps back" and can shut down any connection or line of communication--or can lash out at you.Be aware of your energy as you expressyourself. If you're unclear how you "come off"to others, ask a trusted friend for some honestfeedback.Become aware of your tone of voice, your non-verbalmannerisms and your words. You may be surprisedat the feedback that you get when you ask.Tom can let Carly know how much he loves herand wants a deeper connection with her. He canalso suggest that they create a special time eachweek to do something together even if it's just towatch a movie on the couch without interruption.Carly can let Tom know that she loves beingwith their kids and her activities and she cansearch inside herself whether spending specialtime each week with him would be somethingthat she wants to make a priority in her lifeor not--and then tell him.If she doesn't want to spend that time with him,they need to take a serious look at their marriage.He can also work on ways to stop his jealousybecause it interferes with their connection.

If Tom and Carly are going to continue to be together and create a closer and moreconnected relationship (whatever that means to them) -- they are going to have to figure out how to solve these issues that are created by their differing wants, needs and desires about independence and interdependence.

Love is all about respecting and honoring eachother--and that includes honoring and understanding each other's needs for independence and inter-dependence.Most people have never put any thought intothe question of how much independence orinterdependence they or their partner needs to feel safe, secure, happy and connected to their partner and vise-versa.

This idea can create some challenges for you in your relationships. We've also found that this push/pull dynamic can even be the "juice" that keeps your relationship alive and growing--if you keep the lines of communication wide open and you're clear about what you want and what you need. As with a lot of things we talk about, this requires a good deal of soul-searching, introspection and getting clear about what you want, as well as the commitment and willingness to share these thoughts, issues and info with your partner.