FireProof Your Marriage

by Mark Rogers, Ph.D.

The trailers about the new movie "Fireproof" look intriguing, especially the implications that other people could - and maybe should - work extra hard to help you manage your own marriage crisis.

It certainly fits our experience to believe that others who care about you can have a dramatic impact on the resolution of conflicts and the raising of a sense of personal responsibility for creating health where there has been neglect, diminishment, or dismissal. If you've been treating your mate with less dignity and respect than either of you deserve, then strong messages from your peers may well feel like a bucket of cold water thrown on a bonfire blazing with resentment or bitterness.

And maybe that's just what's needed.

Sometimes, we need to be shocked out of dismissive ruts, to be shaken awake to face the looming crisis. Our mates may have been crying out for our help, but our lack of response to their plight is part of the problem.

If you want a fireproof marriage, one that forestalls crisis and resists any kind of spontaneous combustion, there are five fundamentals - beyond loving each other - that our experience with couples convinces us must be mastered.

Practice these five principles, to insure your intimacy doesn't become an inferno:

1. Lean gently into (not away from) conflict. Learn how to softly, caringly, but genuinely express anger and resolve conflicts without battering each other. Keep your anger at the little "a" stage by talking about it early, before it has a chance to grow.

2. Walk towards what you want, step by step, instead of settling. Don't allow a zone of mildly miserable comfort to grow around your status quo. Keep tweaking the relationship towards your joint ideal, rather than gradually accept less and less.

3. Accept that your mate has immaturities, but require them to work as hard on theirs as you are working on yours. Inspire them rather than attempt to control them or manipulate them into doing for you what you find difficult to accomplish for yourself. Grow yourself up, and require that your mate does the same.

4. Listen instead of defend. When you perceive attack, don't get so defensive you can't hear the feelings of hurt, disappointment, or dismay flowing beneath the attack. In fact, you'll get far better results if you'll assume your mate's anger always has a companion emotion hiding behind the scowl. Listen for and respond to that feeling, and you'll create intimacy out of intensity.

5. Double your delight. Happy couples always have fun, no matter how difficult the current pathway is. Unhappy couples never have fun, and so all of their togetherness feels like struggle. Force yourself to have fun with each other, just like you were parents taking unruly kids on a vacation to Disneyland.