Is being too romantic sabotaging your relationship....

by sedona.com

When it comes to having the “perfect” relationship, the pressure is on. Perhaps you are basing your expectations off of your parents’ example (assuming they’re still happily together), or, more likely, you’re basing it off the whimsical scenes from TV shows like “The Bachelor” or movies like “Cinderella” -- always those with the fairy tale endings.

In the real world, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a little romance -- intimate talks in front of the fire, taking off for a spontaneous weekend away … as long as you expect, and accept, the not-so-romantic moments too, such as taking the kids to school, washing the dishes, or taking over if your partner is sick.

“Most of us -- when we are wanting to be in the right romantic relationship for us -- sabotage ourselves by creating a fantasy of what the relationship should look like in order to be ‘the one,’” says Hale Dwoskin, CEO and director of training of Sedona Training Associates. “The more complex and detailed the fantasy, the more likely it is you will be disappointed.”

Goals are Good … Fantasies are Not so Good

The difference between a goal and a fantasy is a fine one, but the major distinguishing point is that goals are always attainable. Fantasies, meanwhile, may never come true.

Case in point, if you expect everyday in your relationship to feel like the first time you met … this is a fantasy. If you imagine you and your partner never arguing or doing anything mundane … also fantasy. If you expect to always love your partner, and be loved in return, regardless of some ups and downs, now this is a goal you can achieve.

“It is great to have clear goals for what you want; however, if you live life based on fantasy you are creating artificial barriers to having the relationship that is truly right for you,” Dwoskin says.

That’s because by expecting to live out a romantic fairy tale, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. This doesn’t mean you can’t be incredibly happy, fulfilled and in love -- you can be. But getting to that point isn’t a matter of living with your head in the clouds, it’s a matter of getting clear about what you want.

“Remember, it is not that you should not have what you want, it is that if you create a huge fantasy it can become impossible to fulfill in real life,” Dwoskin says.

“The best thing to do is get clear on what you do want, set it up as a goal and then release on the goal with The Sedona Method goals process until you feel OK whether or not you achieve the goal,” he continues.

The Sedona Method Goals Process -- Becoming “Hootless”

In order to get the relationship you’re dreaming of, you must first let go of the desire. This may sound strange, but you’re more likely to achieve a goal when you stop desiring it. For instance, many people have experienced a fervent search for love, only to come up empty. The moment they gave up and stopped looking, they met their future spouse.

The same goes for having your “perfect” relationship. You must first release this fantasy, or as Lester Levenson, the founder of The Sedona Method, put it, you must not give a hoot if it goes your way or not.

You can learn all about releasing using The Sedona Method. You’ll find that as you bring your desire for the perfect romance up to be released, both your attachments and aversions (or fears) toward these feelings will come up into your awareness.

Then you can let them go. Only in this way can you be happy with your relationship as it is right now.

“If you are getting stuck with this process you can ask yourself ‘Would I rather fantasize about having the perfect relationship or would I rather have it?’” Dwoskin points out. “If you would rather have it, then let go of all fantasies.”