Giving, Pleasing, Withdrawing and Being Honest

By Susie and Otto Collins

At one time or another, we all withhold from thepeople in our lives, especially in our communicationwith those we love.We usually do it because we don't want to hurtthem--or so the story goes in our heads--and wedo it because we think it's "best" for them.The fact is--we withhold our truth at various timesbecause we are afraid of the other person'sreaction and someplace inside us, we fear thatthe relationship will be changed if say what isreal for us.

Here's a great example of what we mean in amessage that was sent to us this past weekfrom a man in Zimbabwe...

In in his email to us, he was both excited and concerned. He told us that he and his fiance are planningtheir wedding and he is concerned aboutfinancing the kind of celebration that hispartner wants ( he isn't the first person we've heard that from). The problem is that he doesn't want to tell her lies about how he gets the money for the wedding and wants to keep promises to her but they really can't afford what she wants.He says that he really loves her and doesn'twant to disappoint her or "kill her spirit" andhe realizes that if he continues with hisbehavior, he would create a "lifetime problem."While most of us maybe cannot relate to hisspecific situation, we can however relate towithholding a truth because we didn't wantto disappoint a loved one--and perhaps tokeep a promise.

This man is so right to realize that hisbehavior is probably not healthy and willcreate problems in his relationship in thefuture--and we don't think he's just talkingabout his wedding debt.He's probably talking about the destructivepattern he's setting up between him and hisbride to be that could last a lifetime if it isn't squelched now. It's a common one and here's how it usually goes...

"I will find a way to give you what you want,even if it means withholding my truth of thesituation, because I want to please you soyou'll keep loving who you think I am."Sound confusing?This pattern usually is confusing becauseboth people are not coming to the relationshipin the truth of who they are. In a sense, oneor both people are wearing masks that hidewhat's really inside.

What about the recipient of all of this pleasing?When we've coached others in this type ofsituation, a part of the other person certainlyloves being catered to and loved in this way.But another, deeper part feels that the truth iskept from him or her because of an inabilityto "handle" it.In other words, they feel like they aren't enoughwhich is quite the opposite of what the pleaserintends!

If you can relate to any part of this pattern, hereare some suggestions for getting out of it...

1. Look at your motivations and long-term effects

Before you act, stop yourself and think about thelong-term effects of your actions. What is motivatingyou to withhold information? Is it to keep the peace?Is it to keep the love you are currently enjoying?What could be the long-term effects of what youare planning to do or not do? Look at the effectsof holding your truth inside you and not expressingit.

2. Make your choice of action dependant on what values you want your relationship to be based on.If you want your relationship to be based on honesty,you have to practice honesty.

3. Express your truth from what you value ratherthan from your head. In other words, express fromyour heart and not your head.

Here's a head statement..."I think we're spending way too much money onthis wedding although I know that you want a bigwedding."Here's a heart statement..."I want our marriage to be strong and I want usto feel like we can be totally honest with oneanother. I would like for both of us to go overour finances together and how we can havethe best wedding based on what makes sensefor our situation."Is total honesty always necessary?

We say to first look at your motivation.If your motivation is revenge or to hurt someone--and your connection is no longer important to you,find some other way to relieve the stress ofwithholding the information.

You might writing a letter and then burning itif you need to get something off your chest butyour motivation is revenge.

If you want to build or rebuild trust and connectionin a relationship, be honest with who you are andwhat you want.

Withholding builds walls; Honesty shared with conviction of the heart allows the space for true love to grow.