How Forgiveness Allows You to Attract Your True Match

by Nancy Pina

We all draw relationship partners in accordance with our core beliefs. If you consistently attract emotionally unhealthy relationship partners, there is a pattern that you must break in order to recognize a balanced and devoted relationship.

During my years of matchmaking I have found that relationship struggles are twofold: a psychological challenge to break free of controlling beliefs formed in childhood and a spiritual battle over negative thoughts concerning unresolved past issues.

In essence you are a compilation of your past experiences, the choices you made, and the paths you followed. The larger question you need to honestly assess is “do I allow my past mistakes, circumstances, and pain to define who I am?” Are you holding on to sorrow and becoming a person who is identified by that grief? It is through forgiveness that you can overcome your sorrow and release yourself from the burden of carrying resentment in your heart.

When you resolve to forgive someone, you choose to live in the present. Forgiving does not mean forgetting but rather releasing the damaging emotions and moving toward an emotionally stable life. Forgiveness does not mean you condone the actions of others.

It is up to you to decide not to be controlled by your circumstances and to take the initiative to forgive those who do not know better. People tend to hurt others out of their own fear and pain. Forgiveness allows love to enter your life. By clinging to anger, you permit your ego to relive the wrongs of your past. Continuously reliving past anguish in your mind and verbally describing your situation to others gives life to your sorrow.

Most of us go through a period of mourning, especially after the end of a relationship, as we try to figure out what happened to the life we knew. The danger here is remaining in this phase and incorporating this stage into your essence. By concentrating on fear—anxiety, sadness, anger, and pain—you block the very thing you want to attract, which is love. If you lead your life with your injuries, you cannot properly grieve, recover, and move ahead with life. It takes a conscious effort to let go of the temptation to be cynical, pessimistic, judgmental, and resentful about the end of a relationship or any other event or situation you feel is unforgivable.

Am I Sabotaging My New Relationship?

If you do not release built-up resentment and anger from previous relationships, you will carry those feelings over into the next one, as Jeremy did.

After being married for over eleven years and divorcing because we drifted apart, I found myself in a love relationship five months later. In the beginning, it was nothing but excitement. Just the thrill of talking to each other was more than any two months put together of my previous marriage.

We had a definite physical attraction from the get go, and as I got to know her, I really became interested. We had similar ways of thinking and upbringing, which made me feel understood. Now after being together, living together and proposing to her, it seems all I can do is look for her flaws. She is still the strong, beautiful, sexy, and caring person I met, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about what I don’t like.

Is this because of my fear of being hurt again, or is it that I’ve reached a point in the relationship that I am actually weighing what matters most to me in a life partner? Either way it doesn’t make me feel good because I do love her.
Jeremy’s fear of vulnerability emerges as his relationship goes from physical attraction to an emotional attachment. His fear of being hurt again is magnified primarily because he has not taken the time to forgive what happened in his relationship with his ex-wife. He is fearful of being vulnerable in another committed relationship that runs the risk of emotional pain. Unconsciously, he will repeat the same relationship pattern if he does not resolve the core beliefs that led to the end of his marriage.

Through forgiveness you are giving yourself permission to love yourself. You are acknowledging that you are worthy of love. You are designed to give and receive, not to hold on to anger, revenge, bitterness, and resentment. You open the door to physical illness, psychological damage, and soul despair by clinging to negativity.

How do you forgive those who have hurt you earlier and shed the sorrow, anger, and loneliness that encumber you today? Where do you start in order to give yourself permission to heal? Following are five steps I encourage you to take to release resentment.

Step 1: Acknowledge Your Pain

To truly forgive, the first step involves admitting what is bothering you and how it makes you feel. Suppressing your grief will not make it disappear. Until you go through this process, the pain will only resurface in future relationships.

One way to accomplish this step is to journal in detail any past actions you can’t forgive yourself for and any wrongs done to you that you cannot release. Once you have finished, read the list and take comfort in the wisdom that you did the best you could with the information you had at the time.

Step 2: Allow Yourself Time to Grieve

Facing heartache can be frightening, but by fully experiencing the sadness, you will keep it from dominating your life. Many people are taught to suppress their negative feelings toward others because those emotions are viewed as wrong. Being stoic will not free you from distress.

Do not deny yourself the opportunity to grieve. Forgive yourself and free the anger and hurt around this person and situation. Liberty from a distressing event will be achieved when a discussion concerning what happened does not create anguish or agony in your heart. Your sorrow is very real, so do not minimize it or try to bypass the mourning period. You must go through this grieving stage in order to release your pain.

Step 3: Examine Your Perceptions
Making sweeping judgments can keep you in a cycle of replicating dysfunctional patterns. When emotional upheavals happen in your life, it is an opportunity to examine why you journeyed down that path. It is not the time to form negative core beliefs in a stage of anger.

Step 4: Empathize

For genuine forgiveness to happen it is necessary for you to place yourself in the shoes of the offender. If you do not forgive, you will automatically respond out of your own pain and fears and will ultimately hurt others.

Step 5: You Are Free When You Forgive

You can forgive and still maintain your integrity. The key is to absolve others for their actions. Grace is not a license to sin. Forgiveness is full of compassion but demands a change in conduct.

Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the person who wronged you. It is your key to happiness and emotional freedom.