Stop talking on eggshells

by Susie and Otto Collins

Tips to help you move toward the connection and communication that you want...

1. Identify your complaints and what you want to be different.

Write down what your specific complaints are about your
situation and how you'd like it to be. Until you're clear about
where you are and where you'd like to be going, you're not
going to be able to get there.

It's like telling your GPS that you'd like to go "somewhere"
without having a specific destination in mind if you don't get
specific.

What is it that separates you and tears you further apart?

Be specific about the thoughts, actions, and words, not
only from your partner but also that you say and do.

It's human nature to look outward toward someone else
as being THE fault but we challenge you to also look at
how you may have contributed.

Then ask what does being "loving" mean to you?

What does it mean to your partner?

Does it mean being kind to each other even when it's
difficult?

Does it mean more physical touch?

Ask yourself the same question about communication
and be specific how you'd like to be able to communicate
and be heard.

2. Recognize how you and your partner shut down to
one another and then learn how to open.

You mention the "f" word--fear.

It's been said that fear is just "false evidence appearing
real."

Write down all of your fears that are keeping the two
of you separated and put a checkmark beside the ones
that you know to be absolutely true and happening at
this moment.

Chances are you don't have very many checkmarks
because if you're like most people, when you're fearful,
you're either reliving the past or worrying about a future
that hasn't happened.

You're not living in this present moment and what's
happening right now.

So figure out what thoughts are shutting you down from
each other and whether there is any truth to them or
not.

Even if there's some truth to your fears, you don't have
to let them keep you from communicating in a loving
way with each other.

But you first have to learn how to open your hearts
to each other, even when it's difficult.

Opening your heart means feeling inside you and
knowing that you love this person.

Opening your heart means that you are choosing
to go toward what you want instead of away from
what you want.

Opening your heart means stopping your habitual
reactions, breathing and pulling your focus away
from your mind chatter to your heart area.

Opening your heart doesn't mean that you have
no boundaries but it does mean that you want
to understand.

Opening your heart is probably the most important
shift you'll need to make to create open connection
and communication.

And it only takes one person to open and to stop
the pattern that the two of you normally follow.

3. Make a commitment to changing and make
agreements that support your commitment.

Talk together and see if you both are willing to
make the commitment to changing some things
about how you are with each other.

If you can make a commitment and some
agreements, that's great.

You might make the agreement to sit and be
together doing something that you used to
enjoy.

You might make the agreement to be kinder
to each other, spelling out exactly what that
means.

If you can't get a commitment or agreements
from your partner, go ahead and make them
yourself.

Even one person changing can change the
dynamic in a relationship.

Will that relationship be everything the person
wants if he or she is the only one actively
changing?

Maybe or maybe not...

In any case, you have nothing to lose unless
you want to stay stuck in your relationship
as you are.

A loving connection and communication is
created one moment at a time--and that's no
lie!