What can you do to try to save a relationship or marriage in crisis?

by Relationship Rich

1. Don't panic. This is really hard especially when you feel like your world is ending, and your heart is breaking. Somehow, you have to find a way to stabilize your emotions so that you don't become totally desperate, clinging or begging. You might want to have some personal counseling with a therapist or your minister or just talk with a close friend who will let you pour out your emotions.
   
2. Don't over react. One of the best tools you will ever implement is that of POWER LISTENING -- even when your mate is saying things about you or your marriage that hurt your heart. Your first reaction might be to get defensive and possibly attack back. STOP! The best thing you can do is to get your mate to talk about how they feel, what is not working and what they want more of until you can repeat back what they said but in your own words. You would say something like, "I heard you say that you _____ is that correct?" (fill in the blank with what they said but use your words). You keep stating what you heard your spouse say until they say YES or EXACTLY. Then, don't say anything else. You just thank them for sharing. Power listening will allow your mate to be truly heard, and the whole process of repeating back what you heard them say in your own words allows both of you to calm down. You will probably not like what he or she has to say, but at least you will get a clear picture of how he or she sees things. You will also win points with your mate because you do not over react.
   
3. Get some professional help. If you could have fixed the relationship by yourself, you would have already done so; therefore, a crisis situation requires professional help. You have several options:

A. Reading and listening to books or tapes will help you gain insight and some new tools. Only problem with this is that you are most likely the only one who is trying to learn something to help the relationship. Your spouse will probably not participate in your endeavors to work on the relationship becuase they typically have lost hope that things will change.

B. Marriage counseling with a therapist or minister is also an option. Counseling sessions are usually 50 minutes every week or every other week with homework assignments in between. Counseling is a great tool if both of you do the work. Most of our couples typically tried marriage counseling first with mixed results. Usually one or both quit going or stop doing the homework -- especially if one mate feels like the therapist is siding with the husband / wife. Couples also quit going to counseling when they do not get quick enough results.

C. Marriage retreats or vacations are an option because you get away and experience something new. Doing something new creates excitement and fun which we highly recommend for troubled relationships. However, retreats and vacations are better for marriage enrichment. Crisis relationships require significant and immediate work in order to create enough real change to save the relationship.

D. Intensive marriage therapy/seminars seem to work best because they allow a couple to stay in their emotions and work through problems without having to handle the challenges of family and work. It is important that couples get new tools and are allowed to practice using them rather than just hearing lectures. Being with other couples is also advantageous because it creates a collaborative environment which expedites the process. More importantly, couples will get clarity in a short amount of time (only four days) about whether or not they can save the relationship.

We are firm believers that couples should "earn their way out" of their marriage. In other words, they should not end the relationship (especially if they have children) until they have exhausted all attempts to try to save it. If after counseling or an intensive marriage seminar they do decide to divorce, they will at least have gotten much needed communication and conflict resolution tools for co-parenting and emotional closure for themselves.

"What if or if only" are heavy burdens for spouses and children when a divorce occurs without efforts to try to work on or save the marriage, and it can make it difficult for spouses and children to successfully marry in the future.