Just Say No to Guilt Trips

by Cookie Tuminello

“When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.” - Woody Allen

I just fell out laughing when I read this quote because it so relates to life. So, how many times have you felt guilty and gone back? Or better yet, how many times has feeling guilty cost you time and money in your business?

Last week I mentioned in my article, “Are Your Boundaries Set in Sand or Stone?” that my Mom was a ‘travel agent for guilt trips.’ That brought me back to a time in my life when I went on those 5 Star trips without ever booking a flight! I never packed my suitcase or left the couch, but there I was, off on another miserable one way, no refund, no fun, non-vacation to ‘Guilt Trip Land!”

This week, let’s examine a few of the biggest causes for you being an unwilling traveler on these often self-imposed guilt trips.

1. You ‘rent’ out space in your head to other people’s behaviors and beliefs. Oh boy! How many times have you sat around feeling guilty because of something someone has said to you? Their negative put-downs have taken up permanent residence in your brain causing you to ‘freeze’ in your tracks, and mull over and over and over every single word they said until you believe it to be the truth. That’s when guilt rears its ugly head and says, ‘I TOLD you that if you didn’t do... then there would be a price to pay. You DESERVE to feel miserable! Just look at what you did!” Blah! Blah!

Whenever this scenario happens, you have my permission to jump ship and choose another ocean liner to vacation on because that vessel you’re on is going to sink faster than the Titanic at some point! Listening to others negative behaviors or accusations stirs up your ‘inner critic’ - that part of you that doesn’t believe you’re a worthwhile human being. Stop letting people ‘rent space in your head’ and causing you to feel guilty all the time! You deserve to have people in your life and business that totally support you and are positive, and only want the best for you. If they’re not meeting that criterion, then you may have to take out the big electric eraser and remove them from your space.

2. ‘You said you wanted to help out!’ I love this one! This is the response you get from people who can’t understand why you actually had the nerve to say NO to their request. They’re not really big on setting boundaries and they can’t fathom why you wouldn’t want to give 10 hours a week of your already jam-packed schedule to their wonderful cause, so their response to your ‘no’ answer is to state, “Well, you said you wanted to help out. You’re not going to make me go find someone else are you?” This is when they start to twist the knife to make you really feel guilty. And if you’re not clear about your intention this will take you on a trip through the wilderness. Just remember you decide what helping out looks like to you.

3. What do you mean you don’t want to listen to all my problems?! The nerve of you! How dare you not want to fill up time in your day and precious real estate in your head with somebody else’s problems? Some friends and employees just want to go on and on for the sake of talking to anyone who will listen. Don’t get me wrong. There are times when you just have to vent for a few minutes and then move onto a solution. However, last time I looked this was still America, Land of the Free, and you get to choose how you spent your time and who you want to listen to.

The bottom line is this. The reason that people try to guilt you is that somewhere along the way you gave permission for them to do this. Now it is time to take back that permission and set some boundaries around what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable in your world. When you do this, it frees up a whole lot of real estate in your head to be more creative, more productive, and more successful in your life and your business. It all starts with getting rid of old strategies that don’t work in order to develop new proven strategies that do work.