Developing emotional intelligence through five key skills:

by helpguide.org

Raising your emotional intelligence by engaging your emotions

When you become overwhelmed by stress, the emotional parts of your brain override the rational parts—hijacking your best-laid plans, intentions, and strategies. In order to permanently change behavior in ways that stand up under pressure, you need to learn how to take advantage of the powerful emotional parts of the brain that remain active and accessible even in times of stress. This means that you can’t simply read about emotional intelligence in order to master it. You have to learn the skills on a deeper, emotional level—experiencing and practicing them in your everyday life.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 1: Rapidly reduce stress

When we’re under high levels of stress, rational thinking and decision making go out the window. Runaway stress overwhelms the mind and body, getting in the way of our ability to accurately “read” a situation, hear what someone else is saying, be aware of our own feelings and needs, and communicate clearly.
The first key skill of emotional intelligence is the ability to quickly calm yourself down when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Being able to manage stress in the moment is the key to resilience. This emotional intelligence skill helps you stay balanced, focused, and in control–no matter what challenges you face.

Stress busting: functioning well in the heat of the moment

Develop your stress busting skills by working through the following three steps:

• Realize when you’re stressed – The first step to reducing stress is recognizing what stress feels like. Many of us spend so much time in an unbalanced state that we’ve forgotten what it feels like to be calm and relaxed.
• Identify your stress response – Everyone reacts differently to stress. Do you tend to space out and get depressed? Become angry and agitated? Freeze with anxiety? The best way to quickly calm yourself depends on your specific stress response.
• Discover the stress busting techniques that work for you – The best way to reduce stress quickly is through the senses: through sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.

To learn more, see How to Manage Stress: Tips to Quickly Relieve Stress in the Moment

Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 2: Connect to your emotions

The second key skill of emotional intelligence is having a moment-to-moment awareness of your emotions and how they influence your thoughts and actions. Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others.

Many people are disconnected from their emotions–especially strong core emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, and joy. But although we can distort, deny, or numb our feelings, we can’t eliminate them. They’re still there, whether we’re aware of them or not. Unfortunately, without emotional awareness, we are unable to fully understand our own motivations and needs, or to communicate effectively with others.

What kind of a relationship do you have with your emotions?

• Do you experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after another as your experiences change from moment to moment?
• Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience in places like your stomach or chest?
• Do you experience discrete feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, each of which is evident in subtle facial expressions?
• Can you experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture both your attention and that of others?
• Do you pay attention to your emotions? Do they factor into your decision making?

If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, your emotions may be turned down or turned off. In order to be emotionally healthy and emotionally intelligent, you must reconnect to your core emotions, accept them, and become comfortable with them.

To learn more, see Emotional Awareness: Managing and Dealing with Emotions and Feelings

Emotional intelligence skill (EQ) 3: Nonverbal communication

Being a good communicator requires more than just verbal skills. Oftentimes, what we say is less important than how we say it or the other nonverbal signals we send out. In order to hold the attention of others and build connection and trust, we need to be aware of and in control of our nonverbal cues. We also need to be able to accurately read and respond to the nonverbal cues that other people send us.

Nonverbal communication is the third skill of emotional intelligence. This wordless form of communication is emotionally driven. It asks the questions: “Are you listening?” and “Do you understand and care?” Answers to these questions are expressed in the way we listen, look, move, and react. Our nonverbal messages will produce a sense of interest, trust, excitement, and desire for connection–or they will generate fear, confusion, distrust, and disinterest.

Part of improving nonverbal communication involves paying attention to:

• Eye contact
• Facial expression
• Tone of voice

• Posture and gesture
• Touch
• Timing and pace

To learn more, see Nonverbal Communication Skills: The Power of Nonverbal Communication and Body Language.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 4: Use humor and play to deal with challenges

Humor, laughter, and play are natural antidotes to life’s difficulties. They lighten our burdens and help us keep things in perspective. A good hearty laugh reduces stress, elevates mood, and brings our nervous system back into balance.

The ability to deal with challenges using humor and play is the fourth skill of emotional intelligence. Playful communication broadens our emotional intelligence and helps us:

• Take hardships in stride. By allowing us to view our frustrations and disappointments from new perspectives, laughter and play enable us to survive annoyances, hard times, and setbacks.
• Smooth over differences. Using gentle humor often helps us say things that might be otherwise difficult to express without creating a flap.
• Simultaneously relax and energize ourselves. Playful communication relieves fatigue and relaxes our bodies, which allows us to recharge and accomplish more.
• Become more creative. When we loosen up, we free ourselves of rigid ways of thinking and being, allowing us to get creative and see things in new ways.

To learn more, see Playful Communication Skills: The Power of Laughter, Humor, and Play

Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 5: Resolve conflict positively

Conflict and disagreements are inevitable in relationships. Two people can’t possibly have the same needs, opinions, and expectations at all times. However, that needn’t be a bad thing! Resolving conflict in healthy, constructive ways can strengthen trust between people. When conflict isn’t perceived as threatening or punishing, it fosters freedom, creativity, and safety in relationships.

The ability to manage conflicts in a positive, trust-building way is the fifth key skill of emotional intelligence. Successfully resolving differences is supported by the previous four skills of emotional intelligence. Once you know how to manage stress, stay emotionally present and aware, communicate nonverbally, and use humor and play, you’ll be better equipped to handle emotionally-charged situations and catch and defuse many issues before they escalate.

Tips for resolving conflict in a trust-building way:

• Stay focused in the present. When we are not holding on to old hurts and resentments, we can recognize the reality of a current situation and view it as a new opportunity for resolving old feelings about conflicts.
• Choose your arguments. Arguments take time and energy, especially if you want to resolve them in a positive way. Consider what is worth arguing about and what is not.
• Forgive. If you continue to be hurt or mistreated, protect yourself. But someone else’s hurtful behavior is in the past, remember that conflict resolution involves giving up the urge to punish.
• End conflicts that can't be resolved. It takes two people to keep an argument going. You can choose to disengage from a conflict, even if you still disagree.

What is emotional intelligence?

by helpguide.org

Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, use, understand, and manage your emotions in positive and constructive ways. It's about recognizing your own emotional state and the emotional states of others. Emotional intelligence is also about engaging with others in ways that draw people to you.

• Self-awareness — The ability to recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior; know your strengths and weaknesses; and have self-confidence.
• Self-management — The ability to control impulsive feelings and behaviors; manage your emotions in healthy ways; take initiative; follow through on commitments; and adapt to changing circumstances.
• Social awareness — The ability to understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people; pick up on emotional cues; feel comfortable socially; and recognize the power dynamics in a group or organization.
• Relationship management — The ability to develop and maintain good relationships; communicate clearly; inspire and influence others; work well in a team; and manage conflict.

Managing Your Emotions

By Julie Fuimano, Personal & Career Coach

Every day it happens. You experience emotions. We all do. But how good are you at managing them? How do you deal with anger, hurt, disappointment, frustration and fear? What about joy? How often have you experienced joy, and do you know how to enjoy it when it arises?

Like everyone else, you probably learned about emotions from watching others, like your parents. How well did they express their emotions? It's not like someone takes you aside in high school and teaches you how to recognize and manage all of the different emotions you experience in life. Each of us has to fumble along and figure out what works for us.

Until the last 15 years, that is. There is now a whole field of study dedicated to emotions called Emotional Intelligence or EI. EI is defined as the capacity to effectively perceive, express, understand, and handle your emotions and the emotions of others in a positive and productive manner. EI is about connecting with others and with yourself on an emotional level. People who possess a high EI are more successful in relationships and are usually viewed as more effective leaders.

Self-awareness

The first step in managing your emotions is to recognize that you are experiencing one. You have to be self-aware. Most people are not. They act out of habit. Someone experiences an emotion and there is an automatic response that occurs without even being consciously aware. So before you know it, you are doing it again. You've raised your voice or shrunk away and said nothing because you could not find the words. Saying nothing is just as bad as screaming. When you say nothing, you do not honor yourself or the message your Inner Self is trying to communicate.

It's easy to see why there is so much emphasis on conflict in the workplace. People disagree and tempers fly. And if you are not skilled at managing your own emotions, it's even harder to handle it when others are emotional in your presence.

Dealing with Emotions in the Workplace

While you have no control of what other people do, you always control you and your response. You are responsible for your emotions and your behavior. Here are several things to know when dealing with emotions in the workplace:

1) Emotions are inner messages. They bring your attention to something. The next time you experience an emotion, just notice. Identify what emotion it is that you are experiencing. Pause before you respond. This is the way to gain control over your emotions rather than allowing them to control you.

2) Acknowledge the emotion you are experiencing. We are so dependent upon our brains and our deductive reasoning ability, but the body is also a source of intelligence IF we learn how to listen to it.

3) You cannot think and feel at the same time. We've all tried to rationalize while we were angry or sad and it doesn't work. So don't even try. Separate the emotion from logic. If you are upset or emotional and you cannot think clearly, take a time-out to experience the emotion. If you can think clearly, then handle the situation at hand and process the emotion later. Don't repress the emotion; you need to know understand what is behind your emotional response.

4) Don't try to problem-solve, rationalize or communicate with someone else's emotions either. If the other person becomes emotional, acknowledge the emotion. "You seem upset. Do you want to talk about that?" The emotion is a distraction and requires attention. Often people don't even realize that they are wearing their emotion on their sleeves. They are not aware of what they do and how their behavior is affecting their ability to communicate.

5) You don't have to tolerate other people's bad behavior. Ask for what you want. You need to teach people how you want to be treated. This is best done in the form of direct requests. "Please lower your voice." Or "It's not acceptable to speak to me in that way." This is known as having personal boundaries and it's a way of letting people know what you are willing to tolerate in your presence. If you don't tell them, they will continue to treat you in whatever way they like. You need to speak your truth.

Conflict Resolution

People often experience emotions in times of conflict, both internal conflicts as well as conflicts with others. Understanding the sources of conflict can be helpful in transcending it.

1) Conflict occurs when people take things personally, when they are attached to the outcome being the way they want it to be and no other, or when they make assumptions about the knowledge you have in your head and what they have in theirs.

2) Seek to understand what the other person is trying to say. This means you need to be simply curious. Ask questions. When you are genuinely interested in what they have to communicate, they will feel that you are interested in them. If you repeat back what they have shared to be certain you understand what they are saying, they will feel heard.

3) People are limited by their use of language and their ability to express themselves clearly. People also do not give proper consideration to what they want to convey before they speak. They don't always speak with purpose or intention; they just want to get their feelings or thoughts off their chest. After listening and reflecting back what's been shared, ask them if they need something from you. They may not. Being heard may be enough.

4) You can only control you so make sure that you do not take it personally when someone else becomes emotional. It is not about you; it's about them.

5) And do not be attached to the outcome. In other words, listen to them, do what you can to express yourself and then let it go. Sometimes people will get it and sometimes they won't. You can only do what you can to help them to understand your position. Then you have to let it go.

The steps I've outlined in this article are not easy. They sound simple, but they take practice and discipline. Mary is a client who was frustrated by her boss's demeaning and intimidating behavior. Through our work she is able to see how, while she cannot change him, she can control how she responds to him. His continued treatment of her in this way sends the message that she is not being clear enough with him about how she expects to be treated.

She is not a victim unless she chooses to be and this is a great opportunity for learning how to be more direct in her communications. Her feelings of frustration are about her, not him, and bring her attention to what she is doing (or not doing) to allow him to continue his inappropriate behavior. Speaking up may not ensure a change in his behavior; however, it is what she needs to do to honor herself.

Mary might be thinking, "He should know better." And maybe he should but the fact is he doesn't. Or maybe he does know better but he doesn't practice it. This is how he acts. She needs to respond to reality rather than indulging her emotions or wishing he would be different.

You can become more comfortable at handling emotions as you learn a process of self-mastery that allows you to experience your emotions and honor what they are trying to teach you. When you can be calm in the midst of chaos, you are succeeding in managing your emotions. The more you practice, the more comfortable you become with not only your own emotions, but with other's emotions as well.

The essence of the interview

From Perfect Job

THE ESSENCE OF THE INTERVIEW For many job seekers, skydiving might be preferable to interviewing. But there are a few simple steps that will remove the fear and give you the confidence you'd otherwise wished you had. It will also help to erase the tendency of job seekers to be a chameleon, meaning, whatever the company wants, they can do it, they like it, they want it. Not as appealing to an interviewer as you might think. Common sense says you need to research the company via their website, brochures or the library, although you'd be surprised at how many job seekers skip the obvious. Basics also include bringing a few extra copies of your resume to hand out if necessary, arriving early, dressing professionally, and knowing what you have to offer the company. But those are no-brainers, or they should be. What even experienced interviewers often fail to do is ask, in detail, about the position. So get away from the job description and dig into the actuality of that job in that company, as it stands right now. Find out why the position is open and how long it's been vacant. Ask also how long the previous person was there. If that person was there less than two years, find out how long the previous person was there. If both are short, chances are you won't be there long either. You want to know what the first priority to be addressed is, if there's a time frame for accomplishing it, and if so, what it is. Is it a realistic one? And overall, in what condition is the job you’ll be picking up? Is it maintenance? Troubleshooting and clean up? Smooth, accelerated growth? How do the answers sit with you? When you're in the middle of the interview, you don't have time to think about that in detail. For now, notice if your stomach does a funny flip or if you feel a sense of uneasiness. That's a sign you need to chase down some additional information or obtain some clarification on the topic at hand. In any case, listen to what you're learning and ask questions instead of just eagerly answering questions. The toughest thing about interviewing is that you need to find out about the position and sell yourself as the one for the job – concurrently. Process the information later when the interview is over. It's easier to close the door than open it when it's too late. In the meantime, to stay in control of your career, if what you're hearing is agreeable to you, then show enthusiasm and throw the stiff formality out the window. Interviews should be dialogues, not question and answer sessions. You can't change the subject, but you can ask a question about the topic that's on the table. This gives you additional insight into the position and what they're looking for. It also helps you to know what part of your background you should be talking about, leaving you less likely to ramble on, hoping something will be impressive. You can also ask for clarification if something sounds a little...off. But pay attention to your tone of voice and your body language. A furrowed brow, a puzzled tone, and a curled lip are much more off putting than an interested tone, a smile, and a relaxed open manner. The latter shows genuine interest in the details. The former can sometimes be construed as the mark of a difficult person. Pretend you're interviewing with a friend's company, and the interview is just a formality. How would you be sitting? Sounding? What would your word choices be? Because self confidence has a completely different look and feel to it, and companies don't want to hire desperate people. They want to be specifically chosen for who they are and what they offer. Just like you do.