6 Keys to Make Relationships Last

by Joy Vanderbeck

Here are some simple guidelines to bring any relationship (whether in business or your personal life) back to love and harmony:

1. Compassion: Open your heart and remember that the person may not be aware of how their behavior or attitude is affecting others. They may have burdens they are carrying unbeknownst to you.

2. Gratitude: Find any and all things that you can feel gratitude for that this person brings to your life. Write them down as often as you need to until you have established gratitude as your standard mode of feeling.

3. Verbalize Appreciation: People thrive on appreciation and, even though you may think they should know, people still need to hear it. Verbalizing appreciation will not only help them to move into their heart space, it will help you to do so as well.

4. Honesty: Even when something is hard to share, or when you may be concerned that what you need to express may be hard for the person to hear, when you are honest, a resolution can be found. People often sense it when the energy is becoming negative in a relationship. Their mind can make up all kinds of possible reasons for the tension that they sense, and then they begin to obsess about the often fictitious reasons for this tension.

5. Handle issues promptly: Letting yourself seethe over perceived injustices will only compound your sense of “I am right and they are wrong.” There may be more than meets the eye. When issues are handled promptly, peace is restored.

6. Focus on Solutions: It is easy to focus on what is wrong. Focusing on the problem, however, will not take you to the solution. Recognize the problem and then go to work to find solutions. Some people begin to drown in the problem, and can even pull in others to agree that they are being victimized in the situation. At the end of the day, the suffering is still there. When a person focuses on finding a solution, they are saying that they endeavor to live a life that is in harmony, with joy and success.

How to Resolve Instead of Just Solve Problems

by Valery Satterwhite

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!” - Dr. Seuss

In these hectic, often stressful days, many people measure themselves on their ability, or inability, to solve problems or "put out fires" in their daily life. A successful day is a day when problems are solved. However, the same kinds of problems keep coming up. Perhaps not every day but often enough to notice a pattern if one only stops for a minute to examine the series of problems that they keep solving over and over and over again.

Is it better to solve a problem or resolve a problem? There is a distinction.

The dictionary defines the word solve as to find the solution to a problem or question or understand the meaning of a problem or question. The word resolve means decide, bring to an end; settle conclusively. It's an important distinction.

I was watching the television show Numb3ers one night and one character lamented to the other about how nice it would be if they could stop people from shooting each other. The other character responded that it would be even better if guns and bullets were no longer manufactured. Yes, there are a few holes in that argument but the point is well taken. Often we continue to put band-aids on symptoms, outcomes, rather than clear up the root cause of the problem.

Lousy job? Get a new job, problem solved. Or is it? Many people go from one lousy job to the next. The jobs may be truly lousy or the person isn't pursuing work that excites or inspires his natural calling. Either way, that person is just creating the same, or similar, problem over and over again and applying the same solution each time. To resolve the problem, to stop the pattern of lousy jobs, he would have to get a good job that he enjoys.

We see the same problem patterns in the various relationships some people have. Whether it be with their spouse, family member, friend or romantic relationships, the same problems occur over and over again. Each problem is eventually solved only to have another same or similar type of problem recur later on. The band-aid came off of the root issue and the sore is still festering.

Solving a problem works to a point. It works until the problem shows up again in some form or fashion.

To resolve problems it is essential to mindfully examine the problematic experience to dig down deep to discover the root cause. For personal problems, the best place to start is within. What within me is creating this problem? A bad decision that was based in fear? Making erroneous assumptions? Allowing yourself to be a victim to other people's "shoulds"? Taking the path of least resistance?

Remember, everyone is always doing the best they can. No one gets out of bed in the morning and wonders how they can create problems for themselves that day. As such, is it important to leave judgment out of the equation when examining what role you played in creating the problem. If it is a problem within a company, look within the company. What within the company is creating this problem? An outdated system? Inexperienced employees?

When you discover the root cause of the problem make the corrections. The root cause is then removed, the festering sore is healed, the pattern of similar problems is ended. For good.

Don't just solve your problems; resolve your problems.

"Convert difficulties into opportunities, for difficulties are divine surgeries to make you better." ~Author Unknown

How To Resolve Relationship Conflicts

by Nancy Pina

What blocks you from resolving conflicts?

As difficult as it can be, finding a constructive manner in which to air grievances provides an open and honest relationship. Burying issues, and avoiding conflict and disagreements, do not have a place in a healthy relationship. Accept the fact that you will get on each other’s nerves. You will disagree from time to time. Learn how to argue in a constructive manner to resolve the issue at hand and not tear each other apart personally. Each has the responsibility to resolve issues around emotional buttons. It is important to express how and why you feel a certain way and freely discuss your reactions. Recommended steps for resolving conflict are as follows:

· Agree to reach a resolution.

Many of us take a fight-or-flight approach to conflict, sometimes only to make our point stick. You and your future partner are on the same side of the same team, which is difficult to remember when you are in a heated argument. Resolution is defined as both parties compromising to reach a solution. It is not about one person getting his way and the other person caving in to manipulation or feeling defeated.

· Explore your feelings.

Why are you so upset? Explore your reaction to the event and see if you are responding to the present situation or reliving a past hurtful event. See if this issue is really about you and your significant other or you and someone from your past.

· Identify what you want.

Speak up. See what you and your partner can work out for a mutually satisfying resolution. Your partner cannot give you want you want if you don’t have the courage to ask for it. Remember, you are in love with each other and all relationships are driven by feelings. You want to feel good, your partner wants to feel good, and you both have the same wish for each other. Keep that in mind as you express your desires.

· Generate options and possible solutions.

Be willing to back up your requests and desires with a solution that is mutually satisfactory. Sometimes we say no to a new way of doing things simply because we have not thought of an alternative. Back up your statement with a good argument that is reasonable.

· Choose mutual action.

Resolving conflict does not mean to take on more responsibility simply because it is easier than arguing. A relationship is a partnership, a joint effort. If one person ends up being responsible for making the union work on every level, resentment will build up. Avoid the trap of laziness and work out fair resolutions to issues that arise. One person is not assigned to do all the work while the relationship revolves around the other person’s whims and desires.

· Evaluate the outcome.

If the first solution doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to revisit the issue and make changes. Many times what seems doable in theory is flawed in reality. Do not chastise your partner, for that only will encourage avoidance in the future with other issues.

7 Golden Rules of Communication

by Dr. Gudrun Frerichs

Good communication is not rocket science. It’s also not ‘painting by numbers’ where people have to learn a set of techniques. It’s not enough to learn some skills. The key to good communication is not just having good communication skills, but also having self-awareness. Why do you react and behave the way you do? What motivates your actions?

A cardinal problem at the root of conflict between people is the belief that the other person "makes you feel xyz". Eleanor Roosevelt already stated "Nobody can make you feel anything without your consent!". That leads us to the

Golden Rule No. 1:
It's not about you! What someone else says or does to your is never about you! Don't take what another person says personally! You only run the risk to become defensive and the situation will most likely escalate into a conflict. People only communicate from their own history and their own needs. What can you do? Look for the deeper, underlying meaning of the communication. What is the other person's need?

Mastering rule no. 1 is certainly not easy. To be self-aware enough and detached enough to not be offended, defensive, or reactive when accused by someone (i.e. "you make me angry")takes knowing yourself very well. It means that you need the skill to reflect on your actions, the other person's actions, and on the dynamics created amongst them.

Golden Rule No. 2:
Listen - Listen - Listen! Many people think that communicating is mostly about telling other people about yourself. They talk and talk about themselves. Being in love with their own voice, they don't notice that they may come across as a self-obsessed person. What they totally overlook is that the most important part in communicating is listening. Listening is not just waiting for your turn to speak. By listen actively you show the other person you care.It is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person. It is one of the most healing and soothing experiences you can provide.

Do you struggle with listening skills? One of the best listening skills is "Active Listening". When you go to my website http://gudrunfrerichs.com you will find examples about how to listen actively.

Golden Rule No. 3:
Don't treat an assumption as a fact! People often have an idea about what they think is going on for the other person and don't think for a moment to check their assumption out. For example "He doesn't ring, that means he doesn't love me.If he would love me, he would know how important it is for me that he rings". Well, sometimes somebody not ringing just means they didn't ring. You have to check it out with the other person. Don't act upon the story you have made up in your head. We usually call that a 'Fairy Tale'.

Rule no. 3 is certainly not easy to master. Most people are convinced that their evaluation of an incident is right. On top of that they are usually so insecure and have such low self-esteem that they can't bear not to be right. So they end up in a "Yes you have - no I haven't - yes you have - no I haven't" conversation that leads to nothing but frustration.

Golden Rule No. 4:
Be clear when you ask for something. George Bernhard Shaw said "The problem with communication is that people believe it has already happened". Indeed, a person may say "I need much more support from you" and thinks they have been perfectly clear about their request. Yet support could mean a million things to a million people. It's great to communicate a need (i.e. support, connection, peace, warmth, space).For the other person to know how you would like to be supported for example, you will have to request a specific action "could you go with me to the dentist?" Remember, the other person is not a mind-reader.

I am convinced that half of the problems between couples or friends are based on people expecting the partner to know what they mean. It's almost as if they want to go back to the time of being a 3 months old infant whose mother intuits all the time what it is the baby needs. They forget that it's easy to do for new mothers considering the needs of the baby being limited to food, rest, warmth, and caring touch. Guessing adult needs in similar ways is impossible!

Golden Rule No. 5:
Focus on what you want! Be mindful of how you express your wishes and your requests. A mistake often made is that people express their wishes in negative forms and then expect the other person to know what they want. "I don't want you to use this phone". It's like going into a restaurant and ordering "I don't want spaghetti". Well, you better express what you want and not what you don't want if you don't want to go home hungry.

It is surprising how often people talk about the things they don't want rather than saying what it is they want. How about you do a small private research project and observe for a week or two how often you or someone else focuses on what they don't want?

Golden Rule No. 6:
Making "I-statements!" You've heard it all! Making "I-statements" is the bread-and-butter of communication skills. Yet it is astounding how many people don't follow that rule. When they share their experiences they rather use the non-committal 'you' and thereby communicate their experience from a once-removed position. Making "I-statements" is far more intimate and both you and the person you communicate with will be more connected to what you chose to share.

Making "I-statements" is far more difficult than people normally think. Consider the following statement: "You can't get by on the benefit" and then try on for size "I can't get by on the benefit". A very, very different kettle of fish.

Golden Rule No. 7:
Learn about yourself! When we communicate with another person we can not not be influenced by our personal experiences. If you want to relate to the person that is standing in front of you, you need to know which of your feelings and perceptions belong to that person and to the here and now, and which of them belongs to people and experiences from your past. If you struggle more often with communication issues, it might be a good idea to see a counsellor or psychotherapist to help you to understand the link between your current reactions and your past experiences.

Love and Marriage Cinderella Style

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

The Cinderella story is a wonderful story. It does, indeed, warm the heart. It certainly inspires. Love is always inspiring! But the truth is, it is an idealized version of falling in love that rarely ever approximates the reality or the truth of what love really means -- of what love might mean for a lifetime.

When young women hear the Cinderella story, they want to believe that their Prince Charming will sweep in with the wind. And for sure, every young man wants to find his Cinderella -- someone to put the glass slipper on. But too many people look for this fairy tale version of love. Unfortunately, idealized love and real love are not always the same.

A dashing young man or a lovely young lady often sweep each other off their respective feet. Many of us have experienced this phenomenon. The spine tingles, the heart races, the face flushes, and the lips tremble. Love has feelings -- and IS a feeling!

And here is the truth -- being IN LOVE is easy, just like the Cinderella story -- but making love last takes hard work. You have to do the "Simple Things" day in and day out, every day of your loving relationship. The "Simple Things Matter"! As we always say, successful love and marriage is an accumulation of doing the simple things.

Here is where Cinderella comes in. Falling in love at the stroke of midnight is easy. Putting on the glass slipper isn't all that hard. But as most of you know, the beginning of love is easy, but the sustaining of love is the difficult part.

When you fall in love, it is important to understand that being in love is the easy part. The rest takes hard work. And because of this, our greatest challenge as folks who have studied successful marriage for 26 years is to convince those falling in love that Cinderella is only the beginning of love, not the end.

The truth is, the Cinderella version of love rarely ever happens. Somewhere along the way, someone forgot to tell those who think they are in love that life isn't always fair, just, and beautiful all the time. Sometimes, the reality of love and the "Cinderella of love" are not the same. Trust us on this!

There is no doubt -- love is grand. Falling in love is amongst the most important things we will ever do in our lifetime. Falling in love and being in love is a wonderful place to be. Make no mistake about that!

But here is where the truth comes in -- to fall in love and be in love is not only the creation of an emotional attachment between two human beings, it is the rational connection between two people who choose to love each other for a lifetime. And that is serious business!

Now, back to our original notion about "Cinderella love." What is the message about all this? It should be clear -- true love is simple. True love is an accumulation of the simple things. True love is, in the end, about committing ourselves to doing those things that make love last for a lifetime.

Blinding ourselves to the true meaning of love -- fooling ourselves into thinking that momentary love is real love -- is to make the mistake that leads to the abrupt ending of so many marriages.

Being truly in love is not a temporary thing! Letting our emotions dictate our immediate actions when it comes to love and marriage is a mistake. True love comes with time. True love is not a Cinderella story; it is a story of commitment and love for a lifetime. True love transcends time. Go be in love. There is nothing like it.

Love well. Simple things matter in love and marriage.

Why Mistakes Are Good for Us

By Suzann Rye

Have you ever made a mistake and wished that you hadn't? Stupid question, right? Of course you have! We all have. Well, let me propose to you that you've had regrets like that for the last time!

I believe that part of our life purpose is to learn certain things. These things may very well disguise themselves in the shape of obstacles and so-called failures. One of life's big challenges is learning to decode them, to turn poison into medicine, and to learn to perceive obstacles, problems, and so-called failures as exciting challenges and opportunities for growth and evolvement instead.

If we were simply able to say "I made an experience" instead of "I made a mistake" every time we experienced "failure" in our lives, perhaps we would then automatically look at ourselves and those mistakes and failures in a completely different light. Failure is a matter of perception.

Mistakes are good for us. They point out things that we need to look at. They are there to remind us not to fall asleep behind the wheel. They lead us further along the road to becoming even better at what we do so that we can go on to teach others, which is a great gift.

Mistakes are there to inspire us and encourage us to keep moving and keep feeding our Soul and our mind -- to keep living!

Nobody is perfect -- whatever that means. Luckily, we all make mistakes every now and again, no matter how smart, how well trained, and how experienced we are. When we do, we feel terrible and stupid and we think that we are all alone in making mistakes, and so we have a tendency to put ourselves down.

Don't knock yourself on the head. Recognize the experience for what it is -- a loud wake-up call! Consider what happened and why. Constructively evaluate yourself. Take responsibility; learn and move on.

Remind yourself that learning and evolving is exciting. The day we don't do that anymore is going to be a sad and, most of all, very boring day. So be grateful that in this case you had a chance to learn something. Was it uncomfortable at the time? Probably... So cringe, if you must, then have a laugh, dust yourself off, and move on. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Life is all about choices. No matter what kind of choices we make, there will be rough patches. Those are valuable lessons. They tell us about ourselves, our needs and passions, and our ever-evolving place in the world. Relish those choices and those lessons. Be grateful every day for the wisdom they represent. It's yours for the keeping and for the sharing with other people.

Allow yourself to dream and think big, dare something worthy, make loads of mistakes along the way -- and fill up your knowledge box to the brink!

Look at it this way: each time you make a mistake, it is like making a deposit into your bank account. Your knowledge expands and grows until one day you have so much in your account that you can afford to share freely with others. The more you give out, the more you will get back. So your wealth is automatically growing and expanding even more. And it all started with a few mistakes. Cool, right?

Think of times in your life where a mistake or a major challenge turned out to be a blessing in disguise. What did you learn from these situations? How did they turn out to your advantage? How did you benefit in the end?

Next time you feel that you've made a mistake, simply smile and be happy that you just made a huge deposit into your experience account. Think about how rich you are and how much more you can afford to share with others.

Indeed, mistakes are good for us -- they make us who we are and often account for our most valuable treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

Increasing productivity: 55-1/5 Ways to Boost Productivity Today!

by Laura Stack.

Okay, let’s face it. We’re all trying to do more with less.And chances are that you and your company have already made the big, tough decisions needed to streamline operations. But what about the little things?You can still boost both personal and team productivity in lots of smaller ways that are easy to implement and provide immediate results. Read on for quick tips on getting more done.

1. Hit the ground running. Don’t waste the first hour of the day. As soon as you arrive, focus on getting something done before you even think about checking Facebook or dropping in on a coworker.

2. Decline a meeting. Meetings are necessary. Every meeting is not. Don’t automatically accept every meeting invitation you receive, especially if there is no clear agenda or outcome.

3. Close your e-mail. Do you drop what you’re doing every time you hear the new e-mail sound or see that little envelope icon in your system tray? Close Outlook and focus on the task at hand. Better yet, turn off the alerts and notifications in your email program.

4. Use voicemail. An always ringing phone is a productivity killer. If something is worth your time, the caller will leave a message. Let it go to voicemail when you’re focused.

5. Institute office hours. If you have a constant stream of people dropping by, consider setting up regular hours of daily availability. Then stick to it.

6. Say “no.” As companies try to do more with less, there’s a good chance that you’ll have to cut back on lower-value activities. Don’t be afraid to decline tasks that aren’t a good use of your time. (The first time you do this will be the hardest.)

7. Keep a time log. Do you have a good idea of how you spend your time each day? If you don’t, use a paper time log or track your time in Outlook so you know how your precious minutes and hours are being spent. The Journal is great for this.

8. Help your team prioritize. Make sure they know what’s important so they can allocate their time and energy appropriately. Help them help you.

9. Set goals. Once priorities are crystal-clear, be sure to set some measurable goals. Appropriate, attainable targets will help keep your team moving in the right direction.

10. Take an interest. Doing more with less can lead to less discretionary time and more stress. Show your people that you have an interest in them beyond their role as employee. If they know you care, they’ll be more engaged in what they’re doing.

11. Delegate. Are you the only one capable of doing a given task? If not, consider passing it to someone who’s also able. Your time is too valuable for tasks that don’t require your skills and expertise.

12. Define roles. Make sure everyone on your team knows who is responsible for what. Lack of clarity will lead to diminished productivity.

13. Fail fast. Even when resources are limited, it’s important to continue taking risks. Don’t be afraid to fail, but if something doesn’t work out, be committed to failing quickly and moving on.

14. Look ahead. The higher up in an organization you are, the more you should be looking ahead. If you are dwelling on the past or bogged down in the details of the day, you won’t plan effectively for what’s down the road.

15. Question everything. Rethink tasks, big and small. Don’t just assume that because it’s on your list it needs to be done. If cuts can be made, make them.

16. Think bottom line. In the simplest terms, there are really two sides to a successful business: saving money and making money. If what you are doing doesn’t help your company do one or the other, give some serious thought to whether it’s a good use of your time.

17. Provide options. When dealing with your peers or higher-ups in your organization, don’t just point out problems. Today’s businesses need solutions. If you’re going to bring up a problem, bring a few possible solutions and recommendations along as well.

18. Be available. With heavy workloads and economic anxiety, your people are under considerable stress. Make sure they know you can be reached to discuss any issues they might have…large or small.

19. Segment tasks. If a project is too big to get your head around, make a list of the first few steps to get you started.

20. Defend your time. We’re all getting good at managing shrinking budgets, but why aren’t we more protective of our time? Don’t just give yourself away to anyone that asks. Be selective.

21. Train on the cheap. A three-day trip out of state for a seminar or conference might not be in the budget this year, but you still don’t want people getting rusty. Keep an eye out for less expensive, less time-consuming training activities like conference calls and webinars.

22. Train each other. Instead of relying on traditional, formal training methods, consider tapping your team. Let your people take turns sharing their expertise with the group through an informal presentation. Or tackle a business book together and digest the results afterwards.

23. Use checklists. It’s amazing how a simple checklist can keep a task moving along. Whenever possible, create a list to address recurring needs.

24. Meet smarter. Don’t sit down at a meeting without an agenda. Start on time, end on time, and stay on task in between.

25. Brainstorm smarter. Ever attend a brainstorming session that turned into a lengthy, anything goes free-for-all? If you need to get the creative juices flowing, stay on track by having a clear goal in mind and working towards it consistently throughout the session.

26. Collaborate smarter. Use common sense when collaborating. Don’t wade through a 15-page e-mail string trying to solve a problem that could be addressed with a two-minute phone call or a quick team synch-up.

27. Complete a task terribly. If you’re having a hard time getting started on something—such as writing a letter or drafting a report—take a few minutes and do an absolutely terrible job. Just getting started is half the battle. You’ll find that it is quite easy to transform your shoddy first draft into first-rate work.

28. Expand horizons. A challenging business landscape is the perfect time to improve the capabilities of your team. If someone shows an interest in something beyond their job description, considering finding ways to get that person involved. Give your solid performers the opportunity to knock your socks off.

29. Make a public promise. Sometimes the best way to get something done is to state your goal publicly. If you tell your team you will review their job descriptions by the end of the week, you’ll be less likely to put it on the back burner.

30. Set expectations. When someone requests something of you or your team, agree on a timeframe for completion. It will help you manage your priorities and provide better service if you don’t have a big stack of ASAP projects with unclear deadlines.

31. Help others help themselves. If someone is asking you to do a task that they should be doing on their own, offer support without agreeing to do the work. Tell your requester that you’d be happy to review a draft or weigh in at a team meeting, but that you aren’t available to inherit the project. You might end up with very limited involvement. And sometimes, you’ll find that with the project wasn’t a priority after all (go figure).

32. Consistently work towards the big prize. Sometimes you’ll have a big idea that can never seem to gain traction, thanks to all of the day-to-day issues competing for your attention. Carve out some daily or weekly time to work towards that big goal, whether it’s writing a book, developing a high-profile initiative, or building a tough business case. An hour a week now can add up to big things down the road.

33. Schedule appointments with yourself. Don’t just use Outlook for your daily appointments. If you need to carve out time to work on something specific, put it on your Tasks and block out time just like you would a meeting with a real person. Don’t stand yourself up!

34. Put the economy in perspective. With all the economic doom and gloom in the news these days, a lot of people are carrying around serious financial stress. Help your team understand where your company stands in the scheme of things. A realistic idea of where things stand will mean less nagging anxiety and better productivity.

35. Recognize achievement. Especially when things get hectic, it’s easy to miss opportunities to praise the people on your team. When financial options are limited, a little recognition for a job well done can go a long way.

36. Reward often. Even if it’s just buying a round of morning bagels or dishing out the occasional gift card, look for opportunities to reward achievers, both individually and as a group.

37. Segment tasks. If you can never seem to get the ball rolling on a big project, think of it as a series of smaller tasks. The work will seem less intimidating, and you’ll have a good chunk done before you know it.

38. Stop doing something. Sometimes, serous prioritization means letting go of certain tasks or responsibilities. If something isn’t adding value to the organization, it’s time to let it go.

39. Be in customer service. We tend to think about our work in terms of the things we create – reports, documents, etc. Try to think of yourself as a service provider, focusing on relationships, prompt responses, and strong rapport with others.

40. E-mail efficiently. If you’re getting a ton of e-mails each day, it’s probably killing your productivity. Encourage your team to save their thoughts throughout the day and drop them into a single message. You can answer in one fell swoop instead of 17.

41. Minimize interruptions. Don’t make it a habit to drop everything whenever someone stops by your desk or calls you on the phone. Politely but firmly direct non-urgent issues to a later time when you can give the matter your full attention without compromising what you’re doing. Schedule the meeting while they watch.

42. Eat well. Eating a real breakfast and a healthy lunch will help you feel better and have a more productive day. People who say they don’t have time to eat are full of hooey. You always have time for what you choose to make a priority.

43. Walk around. Human beings weren’t designed to sit at a desk under fluorescent lights all week. Make it a point to get up, walk around, and catch some sunshine throughout the day. You’ll be amazed at how a five-minute stroll can improve your perspective and take a bite out of stress.

44. Batch tasks. Don’t let small, repetitive tasks repeatedly interrupt your day. Carve out a few dedicated minutes each day to handle repetitive tasks like filing, processing mail, or handling invoices. Get things done in batches.

45. Think production, not perfection. Perfectionism can be productivity’s biggest enemy. Sometimes good enough really is good enough. Save your perfection for when it really matters.

46. Be decisive. Don’t waste time with indecision. It will often take less time to correct a mistake than it does to obsess over the decision. Once the decision’s been made, it’s easier to move forward.

47. Be on time. If you want others to respect your time, you need to respect theirs. Plus, being consistently on time sends a message that you are reliable and have your act together.

48. Opt out. That means taking a pass on any clubs, task forces, committees, mailing lists, etc. that are demanding more of your time than they are worth. Don’t feel guilty about it.

49. Avoid toxic people. Some people are never happy and are eager to tell you why. They can occupy your time and drain your energy. Don’t let them.

50. Be healthy. A strong, healthy body is the foundation of productivity. Eat well, get some exercise, and take care of yourself. Better health means more energy. More energy means getting more done.

51. Help your team understand their contribution. Company leadership might talk a lot about corporate goals and objectives, but it isn’t always easy for employees to understand how their contributions influence the big picture. Help them get the idea.

52. Tame technology. Every piece of technology has a point of diminishing returns. If you’re wasting time surfing the internet, obsessing with your BlackBerry, or updating your social networking profiles, take a step back and reassess how you’re using the tools.

53. Burn the midnight oil sparingly. There will ALWAYS be more work to do than time to do it. Putting in long hours at the office or late nights at home should be the exception, not the rule. Focus on getting more done during regular working hours and reclaim your life.

54. Organize your space. Clutter and confusion will not only slow you down, but it will drain your energy as well. Make the effort to get your work area in order and reap the benefits day after day.

55. Uni-task. Multitasking has its place, but the best way to get something done is with uninterrupted focus. Be like a postage stamp…stick to one thing until you get there.

55-1/5. Close out the day. Don’t waste the last few minutes of the day. Make it a priority to close out your day by organizing yourself and setting priorities for the day to come.

Are meetings places where minutes are kept and hours squandered

by Dr Goh Chee Leong @ TheStar online

MEETINGS can sometimes be a waste of time. To use a quote, meetings can be occasions where “minutes are kept and hours squandered.”

At the heart of the problem is our tendency to keep quiet and compliant during the meeting and then voice our objections to the whole world after the meeting. I have observed this in many Malaysian organisations and in my mind this is counter-productive and potentially destructive.

And why don’t we speak up? Perhaps we are scared of the consequences of voicing ideas and opinions that may be different. This fear may not be without grounds. There are organisations where speaking your mind ends up with the “offending staff” placed in cold storage indefinitely. This leads to a culture of “silence” and unthinking “compliance”. For that reason many meetings lose their meaning and are a waste of time.

What is the purpose of meetings anyway?

In essence it is to draw on our collective wisdom, knowledge, intelligence and experience. The basic rationale is that many minds are better than one. This makes sense and should work in practice, but only if the meeting is run in a manner that promotes the genuine exchange of ideas.

Many meetings are reduced to announcements. The boss speaks, the rest listen, nod their heads attentively, provide verbal affirmations and praise, and in the end no real knowledge has been exchanged. Disagreement does not equate anarchy.

Before I continue, let me be clear on one point: businesses are not democracies. That is why a business cannot be equated to a country. They are run in different ways based on very different principles.

In a business, there are clear decision-making hierarchies that exist. In every taskforce, committee, department, strategic business unit or subsidiary, there is a clear sense of who has the authority to make the final decision.

I am fine with this concept. As an employee, I am willing to accept that my boss has the final call. Sometimes I may agree, sometime I may not; but in the end, as long as I choose to work for this company, I need to respect and subject myself to the authority of my boss. If this principle is not adhered to, the organisation cannot function effectively.

Now having said that, it is also my role to provide my boss with all the possible information I can to help him/her make an educated decision. The boss relies on his/her team to define the options, collect the data, provide the market intelligence, and point out the potential threats and weaknesses.

Our job is not to agree and affirm and tell them what they want to hear. This would be negligence. Our job is to help them make well-weighed decisions by giving them all the intelligence possible. Accurate decisions are based on accurate information.

This includes giving them my opinion, even when my opinion differs from their own. This is not circumventing their authority, as long as my disagreement is voiced in the proper way and at the proper time. Disagreements and differing opinions should be voiced in private, within the inner circle, during internal meetings; they should not be voiced in public.

Personally, I have always held to the principle that internal meetings are the time for us to voice ideas, objections and opinions, but after a decision has been made, as employees of the organisation, it is our role to support the corporate line.

Within the circle, honesty. Outside the circle, unity.

It seems to me that this is the way intelligent organisations are run.

It is realising that a culture of truth and honesty does not necessarily need to be incompatible with a culture of order and unity. It is a delicate balance, no doubt, but one that can be achieved.

How do we construct such a culture?

It starts from the top.

First, we need bosses who are secure and confident enough to allow their staff to contribute ideas and opinions freely. They must instil a culture that encourages truth and accuracy. The bosses should reflect an approach that goes, “I want you to tell me the truth about what is going on in our business. Don’t be afraid to tell me bad news. Don’t just tell me what is good. I need to know the threats and weaknesses as well. If not, I am driving blind.”

Many psychologists believe that insecurity breeds a culture of deception and delusion. When the staff perceive their bosses to be very defensive and aggressive when they receive bad news, and dismissive when they hear differing opinions, the staff will shape their behaviour accordingly to survive in that environment.

Human beings are creatures of necessity, and if it is necessary to hide the truth to remain in the good graces of the boss, they will do it. In the end of course, this type of organisations will become uncompetitive because they are un-intelligent organisations.

Perhaps the basic psychology underlying defensive behaviour is the tendency to take any criticism personally. When team members point out weaknesses in the organisations or systems, many leaders unfortunately take this as a personal criticism of their leadership.

The truth is, no organisation is perfect. Every organisation has flaws, weak spots and areas to develop. Therefore, a leader should take ideas and critiques in his/her stride and consider this part of intelligence gathering rather than a personal inquest.

At the same time, employees need to accept that bosses can’t change everything overnight. Not all problems have easy, immediate solutions, even though from our perspective it may sometimes seem that way. I need to accept that at my level, I don’t see all the variables. From my vantage point, I cannot see all the pieces of the chessboard. I need to trust that my boss has a larger strategy in mind.

Like an officer serving in the army, my job is report all the intelligence I can gather to my general, and from time to time I may even propose ideas, but knowing in the end that my general sets the overall strategy which I must execute to the best of my ability.

Emotional intelligence tips

trainingreference.co.uk

Keep a journal

You might improve your emotional intelligence by keeping a journal of your emotions. Every now and then through the day, jot down how you are feeling, and why you think you are feeling like that. You might see patterns. If you keep feeling irritated because Alf has come into the room, ask yourself if it's really because of Alf. Might it be that you're reacting to Alf in an emotionally unintelligent way?

Focus on the feeling not the event

When you feel like blaming somebody, ask yourself whether what they've done justifies the way you're feeling. Be honest with yourself about whether you're over-reacting. Save yourself time and effort by not laying blame at all. Focus instead on the bad feeling, and work at making it feel better.

Think about how you think about it

You can help your feelings. You may or may not be able to affect what happens, but you can always affect the way you frame it in your mind. This will affect how you feel about it. Saying "That moron really upset me," is likely to push your feelings into anger, unhappiness, and feelings of loss of control. Saying instead "It was difficult for us both, and it's still not sorted," leaves the way open for further thought and discussion.

Step into their shoes

It may take a lot of effort to step into someone else's shoes, especially if you are feeling negative towards them. However, if anyone is to make progress in discussions and joint decision-making, they need the ability to see the other view. Listen to the other person's words. Try to think of three reasons to support their view. Even if you're unconvinced, it should at least make you see that they have a valid point. Then it will be easier to strike a balance.

Evict anger

Anger has the power to destroy. Most people, when they calm down, feel tired and drained, and often foolish as well. If you lose your temper, you lose control of your actions. It's worth a lot of effort to keep anger at bay. Imagine it's an animal inside you, snarling and trying to make you do things. Direct your anger at it. Breathe out hard. Imagine the breath shoots the animal away. Then take a slow breath in. Feel the air coming in. Let it out slowly. Then take several slow breaths, and concentrate on the breathing. Keep your body relaxed. Relaxing your body has a relaxing effect on the mind. Don't tackle the problem that made you angry until you feel calm.

Be realistic

When you're told to be realistic, it usually means the other person thinks your expectations are too high. But ask yourself if your expectations are too low. Do you avoid testing situations that you could probably tackle perfectly well, because the possibility of failure is unbearable. This often happens with public speaking. The fearful person imagines the derision of the audience, and that imagination is enough to stop them trying. Are there situations you avoid because you think you will fail? If you think about doing it, do you imagine scenes of disaster? If you do, you are breeding fear inside yourself. Imagine success. What would happen? Imagine what people would say when they congratulated you. That won't be enough to make you succeed, but it will put you on the road to trying. Then you will have created a new opportunity for yourself.

Change the image

We all have some good and some bad feelings. The bad ones tend to have more power over us than the good ones. You can help to change this by having a mental picture of what it is that makes you feel happy, sad, confident, scared, etc. Make the positive images big, well defined and brightly coloured. Make the negative ones small, blurred and black and white.

Use your emotions

When you're making decisions, allow your feelings to play a role. Imagine you have already made the decision. What does it feel like? Then imagine another decision. What does that feel like?

Feelings: Tools to Expand Our Lives

by Deborah hill

Feelings are very underrated. In my book, Unlimited Life: Limiting Beliefs and Belief Busting Power Truths, I discuss how our beliefs define us. I discuss in the book, and in past articles how limiting beliefs prevent us from creating the life that we desire. A question that comes up often is, “How do I know when I’m limiting myself?” One way of discovering these beliefs is to explore our feelings.

We are often taught to undermine our emotions and to overcome them. However, our feelings are major indicators of whether we are doing what we need to do in our life at the moment. If we are unhappy doing something we are either doing something that we would be better off not doing, or, we may have a belief within us that tells us that what we’re doing is flawed or unnecessary. It’s important to explore these feelings to see which option is correct.

For example, I had a client who was unhappy being an accountant. She felt that she should be helping others more and wanted to be more altruistic. In truth, the world needs accountants and she actually enjoyed the job itself and the tasks that were involved with it. Doing what she loved – accounting – was what she needed to do. But, her feelings of unhappiness helped her to notice that she had a resistive pattern within her – a limiting belief – that was preventing her from experiencing her joy. If she let go of the belief that being an accountant was not serving the world, she could experience the joy of doing her job. When she was joyful she emanated this joy and it would spread to others around her, thereby allowing her to be more altruistic and healing to others.

Sometimes our feelings can help us to decide how to function around others. For example, we may feel uncomfortable being around someone. It’s important to notice this feeling and honor it. So often we try to mitigate these feelings and tell ourselves that we’re being unreasonable. Perhaps we aren’t. It may be best to honor the feeling and stay clear of the person until we’re certain that this person is someone that is trustworthy and gives off an energy that serves us. While honoring our feelings we can also look at what within us is making us feel uncomfortable. We may have a belief within that prevents us from accepting a part of that person. This belief may or may not be unreasonable or true. If the belief is untrue we can learn to accept the other person and release a prejudice within ourselves. Our feelings help us to take note of what is happening around us so that we can steer ourselves and explore our inner beliefs, thereby finding what is true for us.

Many of us are taught to hide our positive feelings, as well. Feelings of appreciation and love aren’t often expressed because we are afraid of rejection, or taught to be more discrete. We are sometimes taught that those who are “overly” demonstrative of their love and joy are somehow a bit “crazy” or off beat. Sometimes these people are not being truthful and are a bit “off.” Other times we feel uncomfortable because we have a difficult time accepting that degree of love or joy that is presented to us. Opening to the positive feelings of others towards us can help us to learn more about our own limiting beliefs about ourselves. We can then feel more love and joy within.

One way to explore feelings is to listen to yourself and honor the feelings. Be your own best friend. Let your feelings express themselves in words and in thoughts. These thoughts are the patterns that you carry within you. They comprise and perpetuate your belief. You may hear your inner voice saying things that may or may not sound true at the objective level. For example it may say, “I feel stupid and silly.” Be a good listener and don’t negate these feelings. Hear yourself out. Then open your heart to you and have compassion for the part of you that thinks and feels this way.

My experiences in the last month have required that I accept my feelings of loss, of pain, of disappointment. Honoring these feelings and “hearing myself out” has allowed me to be a better friend to myself. I can then see the truth and support myself more effectively. I’ve also been given a great deal of love and support from others. I have learned how enlightening and expansive being loved and supportive can be. It has helped me to heal and to grow, and at the same time has allowed the givers of this love to share their most precious gift – their self and their love.

Our feeling self is an integral part of who we are. Our feelings are signals. They are also doorways to discover better ways of connecting and communicating. Feelings are a gift. If we open ourselves to them we open ourselves to one of the most important forces of creation, giving insight, direction, and helping us to create what we truly desire.

Are You Unstoppable?

by Shirley Cheng

Life is full of obstacles and challenges; you would be fooling yourself to think otherwise. Before we run into any obstacle, we first need to prepare ourselves for negative or challenging situations. We need a cushion on which we can fall back when we run into life's hardships.

Think about the acrobats performing in circuses: While they dazzle their audience with their skill and agility, nets below are ready to catch them if they ever fall. This is the kind of protection we need in life, so we will not become badly bruised once we crash down. This protection in life should be gratitude.

Appreciation is the essential net to cushion us from ordeals, from everyday obstacles to life's traumas.

Start everything with appreciation. Before you do anything new, say anything new, go anywhere new, meet anyone new, first appreciate your current state in every aspect. This acts like a cushion in the event that your actions return you to your original state. Therefore, if you are thankful for now, when you return to now, you will be thankful that you have not lost anything and will be extra grateful for everything you do gain. So it is vital to appreciate your situation at every stage of your life.

When you run into an obstacle, take the following steps to overcome it.

• Calm down so you can focus on what you want to achieve. Your problem requires more attention than your emotions, so give it the spotlight it deserves by putting your emotions aside.

What can you do to deal with your situation? Focus your energy on how to improve your situation, not on how you are reacting to it. What might be the best actions to take in order to overcome your obstacle? What positive outcome do you want? You must think outside your fear or negative emotions, so the first step to take is to calm down and put your feelings aside.

Emotions are powerful stuff, and if you do not use them correctly, they will turn your hill into a mountain. Many times, your feelings amplify your situation, making your problems seem too large to handle. Negative emotions, such as worry, doubt, and fear, can put your values, beliefs, and desires in the background, and will glue you to one spot, making you unable to think rationally.

Fear, for example, holds you back, prevents you from examining your problem, stops your thoughts and actions, and brings only unbalanced emotions and spirit. If you remove fear from your spirit, you will be able to examine your problem as is, and then you can identify the area that is giving you difficulty.

When I lost my eyesight at the age of seventeen, I first focused on making the most out of my situation and moving forward. I did not allow any negative emotions to control me. I knew that it was not the end of my life, and that being miserable would not help me in any way. In fact, it would make my situation worse.

I also knew that losing my eyesight could be a lot worse than simply that. With this thought, I was actually able to appreciate my situation. I simply did my best with what I had. So I became an author of three books at age twenty, and now at age twenty-six, I am an award-winning author with twenty book awards and motivational speaker, with more than seven published books, to touch others with humor, hope, and healing. I may not be able to paint or draw now, but I am still able to love the life I live.

• Fight negativity with negativity. Your situation could be a lot worse. Imagine something a lot worse than what you are going through now, and compare these situations--with which situation would you rather be dealing? Instead of losing a friend, you could have lost your entire family. Instead of breaking an arm, you could have broken a leg. Instead of losing your wallet, you could have lost your home to the subprime mortgage crisis that is shaking our economy.

• Fight negativity with positivity. Think about something that you are grateful for, that makes you happy, that you love, and then replace your negative thought with the positive one.

Whenever I run into a stressful situation, I think about my Heavenly Father and my beloved earthly mother, and I become so grateful and happy to have them that I no longer find my situation stressful; I am able to tolerate and endure the negativity so much better.

• Keep these points in mind as you face your obstacle:

a) There is always someone out there who is in a much worse situation than you, so be thankful for your own situation, for what you have and the people who are around you. While you may be frustrated paying your bills, there are many who are homeless and would be more than glad to own the keys to your house. While you are complaining about having a bad hair day, at least one person on Earth is losing all of his or her hair from receiving chemotherapy for the cancer that has spread.

b) You are not enduring alone. Millions and millions of people are suffering this very minute, from the starving in Africa and the homeless on the streets to the abused behind closed doors. And there may be people going through the same difficulty you are experiencing now.

c) Everything passes, and so will your current negative situation. When you are angry or upset, keep in mind that it will pass, so why waste your energy on something that will be gone tomorrow? It is true that a negative event, or any kind of event for that matter, can affect your entire life, but you cannot control life when it throws stones at you. You simply have to prepare for any challenges and make the most of what you have.

For instance, the tuberculin skin test I received when I was eleven months old caused the severe juvenile rheumatoid arthritis that will remain with me for the rest of my life. I know that life moves on no matter what happens to me, so it is best to move along with it and make the best of what I have. Would sulking and worrying about my life do me any good or turn my situation around?

• Have faith. Lastly, the most important shield you need to have deep in your heart to fight negativity is faith. The most vital kind of faith is unwavering faith in God. It is faith in God that has allowed me to move forward, one sure step at a time, as I know He is there guiding me, supporting me, and loving me. Keep your faith in God strong and sturdy, and your steps will be strong and sturdy in turn.

As you can see, you can be in control of what happens to you after negativity suddenly says "Boo!" in your face. You do not need to be the victim of your troubles. Let your troubles be victims of your faith and positivity. If you do not let problems stop you, they cannot and will not stop you. Only you have the power to stop yourself. It is completely up to you--do you want to be stopped or unstoppable? I made my decision a long time ago. How would you like to join me?

10 Secrets to Expressing Yourself with Confidence

by Tricia Greaves

For too many years I suffered from a bad case of “approval-seeking.” I was desperate for validation from others. I never wanted to risk stating how I felt about things for fear that it would rock the boat and cause conflict.

As a result, I saw myself as a victim of others’ mistreatment or neglect, when the truth was that I was really just a victim of my own fear: I WAS AFRAID TO BE ME. Living my life dependent on the opinion of others was my prescription for inner turmoil, depression, addiction, and chaos.

Learning to value my own opinions and desires has had a ripple effect through every area of my life: I am free to be myself, and in turn I can allow others to be whomever and however they choose to be.

Here are some important lessons to remember as you learn to find and express your own inner voice:

1. How you feel and what you need are just as important as the feelings and needs of others. Instead of always dismissing your ideas and feelings as “not that important,” you need to value them and see that you are equal to all others. WHAT YOU FEEL AND THINK IS WORTHY OF BEING HEARD.

2. You will not die from saying how you feel. At one time I believed that either I would die, or others would die from hearing my honest feelings and opinions (I am not talking about being hurtful.) Only by practicing speaking up have I learned that this is not the case at all. Not only did I not die, I have become empowered.

3. You will not die if someone disagrees with your decisions. I thought I would crumble without the approval of others, but when I was willing to feel the initial uncomfortable feelings I experienced when others did not agree with or like my decisions, I got stronger and the fear of such feelings got weaker.

4. When you follow your own heart, people around you may at first be uncomfortable, but THEY ADJUST! It amazed me that no matter how threatened others were with the “new me,” when I persisted in doing what was right for me, they eventually settled down and got used to my new ways; in fact, they even respected me for them!

5. By being true to yourself, and thriving on account of it, you are setting an example that will inspire others to step out and make changes. Your gift to yourself of changing is also a gift to others.

6. It is no one’s responsibility to read you mind. YOU MUST SPEAK UP! You can’t blame others for not doing it “your way” when you are not even willing to express yourself and what you want! Change means letting go of the games of pouting and making others feel bad for not reading your mind. I no longer feel “misunderstood,” because I speak up and give others an opportunity to understand me!

7. Resentments come from not speaking up and being heard. Resentments erode your soul and your health. Discuss your feelings until you feel resolved and then MOVE ON.

8. Practice listening to others. I was so busy obsessing about my own feelings, what I wanted to say, and how others would receive me that I did not pay close attention to the ideas and feelings of others. When I put aside thoughts about me, and truly listened to others, I found that others began to truly listen to me!

9. “Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.” The tendency for people who are afraid of being honest and forthright is to build up so much fear and resentment, that they blurt out their feelings, often offending others with the force of their delivery. Practice saying what you mean in a direct way, with kindness and respect.

10. Give yourself permission to be awkward as you begin to speak up. This is not an easy transition to make. Know that at first you may stumble over your words, you may not get your point across, and that others may not like your speaking up. Just because others may not agree with what you say does not mean that your beliefs are wrong. Don’t apologize for your opinion: “This may be a stupid thing to say, but…” Or, after they express a difference of opinion, don’t backpedal by saying, “You’re right, I’m wrong; I don’t know what I was thinking.” HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH! Everyone respects people who risk being the minority voice. And you will be surprised to find that often others will join you and you will become the majority voice.

Self-esteem comes from taking risks and being YOU, not from the approval of others. So speak up, and notice how many people begin to listen up!

By approaching the night sky with fresh eyes, you become more intimate with the world

By Mark Coleman

Once you locate this constellation, try to let go of any preconceived ideas you have about it, and look at the cluster of stars without fixating on the shape of a big dipper. Allow yourself to see seven bright dots amid black space. Notice each star individually. Notice the stars in their context in the sky, within the vast field of shining lights. See how the stars are located in relationship to other stars not in this particular constellation. Observe the spaces between each star. As you continue the meditation, notice if you go in and out of being able to see the stars themselves, without the idea or image of the dipper. If in moments you find it difficult to let go of seeing the Big Dipper, shift your focus to other parts of the night sky. Try looking at just part of the constellation, along with other stars outside the constellation.

Close your eyes for a moment, relax your body, and then open your eyes and refresh your attention using a soft gaze. Let your vision be broad and spacious, and look at the stars without thinking about them, yourself, or anything else—just rest in open awareness. Another approach is to stare at the Big Dipper for a long time; after a while, the concept or memory of a dipper may fade and the stars will return to just being individual lights in the sky.

Once you practice this meditation, you can apply the technique to other constellations—seeing the stars without their associated imagery, taking in the simple reality of what is, and experiencing the vastness of the night sky. Try doing this meditation for up to half an hour, taking time to alternate between simply resting your awareness in the vastness of sky, and noticing whether you get caught up in concepts about specific constellations. You can also expand this practice to include other objects and people—you might try looking at a rose bush without the concept of “rose.”

The more you do this, the more you’ll begin to see how using only our preconceived concepts to approach the world can limit our experience and our awareness. Simple concepts can in no way describe the fullness and complexity of any experience or thing, including something as simple as a single, unique maple leaf or mushroom, or something as vast as constellations in the sky.

This technique can also help us approach people with a fresh awareness every time. Try looking at an acquaintance or a loved one without fixing on a preconceived idea about who they are, what they are like, or what they will do. We often get stuck in our concept of who someone is, which limits both people in the relationship.

A dear friend of mine sits his teenage daughter down every year, and they do a playful exercise in which they look at each other, and he says, “I am not your father,” and she says, “I am not your daughter.” This attempt to break down the narrowness of the concepts of “father” and “daughter” allows them to see each other more completely as people, rather than seeing only the parts of each other that relate to the roles they know each other in.

So when you look at someone, notice what concepts arise about them—man, woman, parent, child, waitress, taxi driver, lover. See how your approach to them changes based on your ideas of what it means to be old, young, sick, cute, shy, loud, extroverted, or smart. See then if you can let go of the labels and look at them without these concepts interfering with your perceptions of who they are. Notice their form, movements, and expressions, and try to get a sense of their essence beyond their surface appearance, movements, and expressions. When we look at people or anything in this way, we get to see the world anew, with fresh eyes. We come closer to experiencing the truth of how things actually are, undimmed by the concepts in our minds.

Getting Love, Being Loving

By Margaret Paul

Take a moment right now to think about your real intention when it comes to love:

* Is it most important to you to get someone to love you -- to get love?
* Is it more important to you to be a loving person -- to give love to yourself and others?

At any moment, you have one of these two intentions, and which you choose determines your experience of love.

Getting Love

Most people move into relationships to be loved, rather than to be loving. Since most people were not loved as children and their parents did not role model loving themselves, they believe that it is getting love that will make them feel the best feelings -- the best about themselves.

They go about looking for someone who they feel really sees and values them rather than learning how to see and value themselves. Not valuing themselves, they believe that the only way they will feel worthy and lovable is when someone they value loves them.

The problem is that, since we come together at our common level of woundedness, the partner they pick is also looking to get love. At the beginning, they each give the other what they believe the other wants in order to get the love they are seeking. Since both are in the relationship to get love, both want control over getting that love. Eventually, both feel very disappointed that their control tactics -- giving gifts, giving themselves up, giving compliments, acting superior, getting judgmental, being demanding or angry, and so on -- don't work. They either decide they chose the wrong partner and move on, or they try harder to control -- convincing, explaining, debating, arguing, talking things out, and so.

But as long as they are not first giving love to themselves, they will continue to be disappointed and feel unloved.

Being Loving

When you learn how to take responsibility for loving yourself -- for defining your own worth, taking loving care of yourself, and filling yourself with love -- then you seek a relationship in order to share your love with another. You see relationships as learning opportunities to further develop your ability to love yourself and others. Relationships become opportunities to grow, play, share, and love, rather than to get love, security, and validation.

When your intent is to be loving, you don't see relationships as having to meet your needs. Love, real love, doesn't need anything from the other person. Real love is giving caring, compassion, and understanding for the joy of loving rather than with an agenda to get love or approval back.

Until you choose to learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for your own feelings of pain, joy, worth, and security, you will likely look for someone to take away your pain and make you feel safe, worthy, and secure. The belief that someone other than yourself can do this for you, and that if they "love" you they will do this for you, is a major false belief that causes many relationship problems.

As long as you are making another responsible for your feelings, you are abandoning yourself, and it is the self-abandonment that is the cause of your pain and lack of self worth.

Everything changes when you decide that your primary intention is to be loving rather than to get love. Once you make this decision, then you will naturally go about learning what you need to learn to be loving to yourself and share your love with others. Until then, you will be trapped in trying to get someone else to give you the love you need, and this will never happen, because it can only come from you. Their love is wonderful when they offer it, but you are the only one with yourself 24/7, so you are the only one who can consistently bring yourself the love you need.

Why not begin today learning how to do that?