Get Your Thinking Out of the Box

By Steve Gillman
What is thinking out of the box? It is getting outside the usual ways of looking at things (that's the box) to arrive at new and useful ideas. How do you do it? Here is one of the many ways.

How To Get Your Thinking Out Of The Box
One of the simplest techniques for "out of the box" thinking is to identify each of the elements of the "box" and consider any alternatives that come to mind, even crazy ones. Most of these will not be useful, but work with them and some may be made into ideas that aren't so crazy after all. Once in a while, they may even lead to great innovations. Let's look at a specific example to see how this works.

Suppose you want to stop smoking, and you are looking for a creative new way to do this. First, you need to identify the ideas, assumptions, and solutions that are common. These are the basis of the "box." They could include:
* It is a matter of willpower.
* This is a personal goal.
* You'll pay for some program to help you quit.
* You have to stop smoking.
* It is difficult to quit.

There are certainly other common ideas and solutions, but these are enough to show how the process works. Starting with the willpower issue, you might ask, "Why does it have to be a test of willpower?" This leads you to consider the easiest ways to quit. Perhaps hypnotism could help. It also suggests not being around others who smoke for a while, so there is no temptation. There is nothing too creative here, so you move on to the next item.

It is natural to assume that this is a personal goal, but not necessary to keep that perspective. Many people want to quit, perhaps even a few of your friends. Is there some way to make this a group goal? While that thought is in your mind, you challenge the next item with the idea: "What if a program paid me to quit?" That leads to an out-of-the-box solution: A group challenge and bet.

You arrange with three friends who want to quit to each put a thousand dollars in a pot. After one year, those who have not smoked a cigarette get to split the pot. If two of you succeed, you'll each be a thousand ahead. If only one succeeds, he or she will make three thousand dollars. There's some real motivation, and the competitive nature of the challenge may help as well.

What about the assumption that you have to quit smoking? Is there a way to continue smoking without the health problems? You might switch slowly to cigarettes with less nicotine. You might find that the sensation of the cigarette in your mouth is as important as the nicotine, and you can eventually just "smoke" them without lighting them. These ideas may work, but are not too new, so you move on.

What about the idea that it is difficult to quit? You ask yourself, "What if it was easy to quit?" That gives you nothing, so you play with the idea and ask, "What if it was difficult to smoke?" Now that is an out-of-the-box question, and it immediately suggests some ideas. How do you make it difficult? Perhaps you and your spouse could pay five dollars per cigarette into a special account to be split at the end of a year. Whoever smokes less will gain the most, and the pain of the high cost will make it tough to smoke much.

The most potentially profitable idea, though, may be that of having a drug that causes you to get immediately nauseous when you smoke. That makes it difficult to continue. It would be something like the drug "anabuse," which makes alcoholics vomit if they drink. It would be even better if it was in the form of an injection that lasts for a month, so you can't "forget" your pill.

You can see the basic process here. First define the "box," by listing all the usual ideas and solutions. Then consider these one by one. Attack them, alter them, look for opposites, and do anything else to find a new perspective. There are many ways to have more creative ideas, but this is one of the simplest and most systematic techniques for getting your thinking out of the box.

Improve Your Relationships Dramatically

By Larry Crane

We begin forming relationships from the moment we're born, yet by the time we're adults, it's easy to feel completely inexperienced. Whether we're raised in loving, nurturing homes or in a less open environment, relationships often leave us feeling vulnerable, uncertain, and insecure.A key factor in dealing with the feelings that our interactions with others can evoke is the understanding that relationships are largely borne out of the desire for self-gratification and fulfillment. We usually seek relationships for the way they make us feel; we work to please others so that they will please us. While this is an entirely normal aspect of the human condition, it also leaves us vulnerable to feelings of uncertainty, self-doubt, and fear. These feelings can affect the overall quality of our relationships, even when they are generally loving and supportive.

The key to successful relationships is the ability to release these negative feelings and to focus on the best possible outcome. A solid, satisfying relationship should be a "win-win" situation in which both sides of the relationship enjoy mutual benefits. Free of the anxiety that comes from the fear of rejection or disappointment, this leaves you open to all the positive potential that the relationship can bring.

It's a common notion that the path to getting something begins with wanting it. If we fail to reach a goal or achieve a dream, we tend to program ourselves to believe that we must not have wanted it enough. One problem with this approach is that we often don't realize what it is we truly want -- the decisions and choices we make in life are based on our subconscious desires rather than the things we believe we want. By releasing the pressure of actively wanting, we can make clearer, wiser decisions. It also frees us from the fear of not getting what we want.

A natural by-product of this release is improved patience, a key factor in building a strong relationship. When we program ourselves to be open and accepting, we are able to enjoy the benefits of a solid, healthy relationship without the fear of being let down by others in our lives. Imagine the benefits of being able to enjoy something for what it is, without worrying about what will happen if it goes away.

By releasing the emotions of wanting, fear, anxiety, and self-doubt, we are able to take an active role in accepting a positive outcome. This contributes to the confidence and ease with which you negotiate the relationship, whether romantic or platonic, and can significantly improve all the relationships in your life.

Of course, romantic relationships tend to bring us the most anxiety and fear. One reason for this is a misinterpretation of the meaning of love. We are often led to believe that love means needing someone, or depending on them for our emotional satisfaction. Naturally, then, we're afraid of the impact of losing that relationship. However, love is actually the ability to be open with someone, an emotional freedom to enjoy the rewards of the relationship without the stress of potentially losing it.

This relief extends into the bedroom, as well. While sexual mores have certainly relaxed a bit in the last century, sex itself is still tangled up in a web of emotion and self-serving desires. True intimacy is driven by lovingness rather than personal gratification -- a sharing of pleasure and happiness. As you release the negative feelings often associated with sex, like self-consciousness, guilt, or the need for approval, you can find yourself more in "sync" with your partner. Free of the demands of unrealistic expectations or restrictive goals, you can enjoy the experience for what it is -- an open, loving exchange of happiness and enjoyment.
Releasing is a powerful tool in building strong relationships, but it's not limited to improving your interactions with others. By the same token, releasing in other areas of your life can have a direct impact on your ability to enjoy a satisfying, rewarding relationship. Through this powerful method, you can achieve goals that most of us share: financial freedom, emotional well-being, true and lasting happiness. It's not hard to see how these things can leave us in an even better position to take part in a healthy relationship. The more we release, the freer we are to welcome life's rewards. Instead of deflecting or avoiding negativity, which many of us are taught to do, releasing helps us to meet it head on, and then let go of it. There will always be roadblocks and obstacles on our journey; knowing how to deal with them and overcome them is the true key to happiness and prosperity.

Handling Difficulties

By Stanley F. Bronstein

Getting Started On A Difficult Task
Together, we are embarking upon a path designed to help you identify your purpose in life. For some people, this task can be quite difficult. For others, it is fairly easy. Why has this most important task proven to be easier for some than for others? This is because some people refuse to let the mere fact that a task is difficult stop them from attempting and ultimately completing that task.Rather than calling such tasks difficult, I would prefer to call them complex.

An Example of Something I Considered Difficult That Others Considered Easy
Personally, I feel I've tried to accomplish many things during my life, and I've been successful at quite a few of them. Of all the things I've accomplished, permanently losing all the weight I needed to lose has, by far, proven to be the most difficult for me. I'm sure there are people who have seen me over the years and could not understand how I allowed myself to get as overweight as I did. Many have probably also wondered why it took me so long to do something permanent about it.I've come to believe that the reason it took me so long was that I had always believed that permanently losing weight was difficult. It was only when I began to follow the advice of a very close childhood friend, that I was able to permanently do something about it. For more than 30 years, this friend told me that losing weight is simple, and that all it takes is eating less and exercising more. Once I stopped treating this task as if it was difficult, I realized that it really is as simple as my friend made it out to be. All I had to do was eat less and exercise more.

An Example of Something I Considered Easy That Others Considered Difficult
There are many other things I've accomplished in my life that others see as having been quite difficult. Among these accomplishments was becoming both a CPA and an attorney. For four years, I went to law school while working full-time. Many acquaintances told me that going to school at night must be difficult, and that they could never do what I was doing.While it wasn't the easiest thing I ever did, it was not nearly as difficult as they were making it out to be. The difference between us was that I believed going to law school at night was not too difficult of a thing for me to accomplish, while they believed it was much too difficult for them to accomplish. In effect, I attempted something they thought was difficult, by treating it as if it was easy. That's why I was able to accomplish these professional goals, and why those who see it as too difficult of a task to attempt, never will.

What Are You Capable of Accomplishing?
You can accomplish whatever it is you want to accomplish, as long as you believe it is possible, and within the realm of what you are either willing to do, or what you believe you are capable of doing. As we work together, you will be doing many exercises and thinking about many things, some of which you may find difficult and some of which you may find easy.What you must remember is that you can accomplish anything, no matter how difficult, if you treat it as if it were easy. You must also remember that you can sabotage yourself and make it much harder to do things, even easy ones, if you treat them as if they were difficult. If you follow this advice, you will find you are capable of doing practically anything you can imagine.

Relationship First Aid: How To Heal A Fear Of Intimacy

By Dr. Richard Nicastro

Intimacy is a lot like trying to get warm on a cold winter night. You wrap yourself up in your favorite blankets and settle in for sleep, but at some point overnight you may feel too warm and constrained by the blankets. So you disentangle yourself and push the blankets away. But after a few hours you feel chilled again. So you grope for the discarded blankets and wrap them around you again, basking in the warmth and security they bring...that is, until you feel too warm once more…

Fear of intimacy

The term "fear of intimacy" is often used to describe someone who has difficulty creating and maintaining a close connection to his/her partner. The phrase highlights a person's struggle to become physically and/or emotionally close and we often describe this struggle as a fear. However, this general term can't fully explain what lies behind one's struggle with intimacy.

Let's take a closer look at three ways a fear of intimacy can manifest in your marriage or relationship.

1. Intolerance for closeness--physical and emotional.

For some, a more accurate description would be an intolerance of intimacy. You may have a desire for intimacy yet at the same time have a strong, negative physical reaction to deeper levels of connection. It's as if your body's intimacy-thermostat is set to avoidance or withdrawal mode whenever a certain level of intimacy occurs. People who have this reaction may feel confused by it and not fully aware that it is happening.

Overcoming a fear of intimacy that stems from adverse physical reactions:

The roots of this reaction often (but not always) stem from the disruptions of intimacy (i.e., neglectful or intrusive parenting) in childhood. When this is the case in your history, the goal for you will be to learn how your body reacts to emotional and physical intimacy. (Be sure to suspend self-criticism while monitoring your reactions.) Once you become aware of your bodily cues, you can use relaxation exercises as a way to recondition your body so that you can accept the deeper levels of connection offered by your partner.

2. Gender role constrictions

Society and culture create powerful rules for how men and women relate to each other. Female/male stereotypes have a potent influence on what you feel are acceptable ways to experience and express intimacy. Often these gender roles function behind the scenes in your relationship, at times guiding you and your partner. However, they can frequently serve as a strait-jacket, limiting the level of intimacy allowed in your relationship--the influence of gender role constrictions frequently attribute to one's fear of intimacy.

Societal and cultural rules may work well for you and your partner, but at times they can adversely restrict the ways in which you and your partner relate to one another. For instance, some cultures send the message that men shouldn't experience feelings that make them feel vulnerable, while women receive the message that the assertion of their needs is unfeminine.

Overcoming a fear of intimacy based on gender stereotypes:

Questioning the assumptions that lie behind gender-role stereotypes is the first step toward loosening the restrictions that accompany these assumptions. Here are a few questions to get you started:

Do you feel that societal and cultural gender role stereotypes are holding you (or your partner) back in your relationship? If so, take some time to journal the ways in which female/male stereotypes are blocking your marriage or relationship from reaching its full potential.

Can you discuss this with your partner and develop a mutual plan to overcome any gender restrictions that may exist in your marriage or relationship?

3. Family role models

Most educational systems do not teach you how to create and maintain a long-term, intimate relationship. Often learning occurs by trial and error--and for better or worse, most of us learn by observing the relationships that surrounded us throughout our formative years. You learned by observing how your caregivers related to one another (and to others), as well as how the important adults in your life related to you.

The long arm of your childhood family role models can create powerful expectations and beliefs that negatively influence your view of relationships and intimacy. Problems arise when your partner's need for intimacy differs from the role models you've internalized.

Overcoming a fear of intimacy caused by relationship role-models:

Becoming mindful of your (and your partner's) beliefs that inhibit emotional and physical intimacy can help you clarify any conflicting attitudes that the two of you might hold about intimacy. Often couples misinterpret their differing expectations as a fear of intimacy.

What expectations do you hold about emotional and physical intimacy?

How do you believe intimacy is best created in your relationship? Is this view consistent with your partner's?

Do you hold any beliefs from your family-of-origin that negatively impact your ability to create a close bond with your partner?

Use these questions (and others you might think of) to start a dialogue with your partner about how to take the steps necessary to begin increasing the intimacy in your relationship.

Like that blanket that can keep you warm one moment and feel constraining the next, over the course of your relationship you will need to adjust the level of intimacy depending on the type and degree of closeness that feels most comfortable to you. If you (or your partner) frequently cast the blankets of intimacy aside, it may be a sign that an underlying fear of intimacy is at work. If so, take the steps to examine what lies behind your fear of intimacy and you will be on your way to creating a deeper, more fulfilling connection with your spouse or partner.

100% Math

A strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about thos e people who say they are giving more
than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to
give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here ' s a little mathematical formula that might help you
answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While
Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put
you over the top.

How to handle anger positively with your teenage kids.

By Sue Atkins

Everyone gets angry with their kids at some time or another - it’s normal - it’s healthy - it’s a fact of life. Kids know just what buttons to push and they push them!

I think as a parent and as a professional parent coach, it helps to accept that anger is an honest emotion, but it’s what you choose to do with your anger that’s important.

If you don’t express your anger and you suppress it, it can lead to frustration, resentment, bitterness, a sense of hopelessness and depression which is not a good thing for you or your children long term

Resentment builds walls between you and your teenage children.

So, how do you handle your anger and release your temper healthily?

Well, one way is to press your internal and imaginary “pause button” like the one on your DVD and ask yourself “What exactly am I annoyed about?” This helps you step back from the situation that you find yourself in -immediately distancing you and getting you back in control and helping to calm you down.

You will probably discover that you get wound up by the same things over and over again and this is a great opportunity to ask yourself another empowering question.

“What would I like to see happen in a perfect world?” as this helps you start focusing on a new solution to your frustration. Relax and start to breathe slowly and deeply as this too takes the edge out of the anger and get very, very specific about what it is you want to see happen - this gives you clarity and direction and helps you pass this on to your children who don’t often understand what exactly it is you want them to do.

Also ask yourself “Is my attitude moving me closer to or further away from the relationship I want with my children long term?”

This question takes you immediately out of the mundane and humdrum into the bigger picture to your parenting. It immediately changes your perspective which is extremely powerful and helpful.

Another positive step to take is to talk openly and honestly to your child about how you are feeling and to release your pent up emotion - you can say something like:

“I’m tired telling you this over and over again because I feel……”
“I’m angry with you because …..”
“I’m hurt because you did…..”

This teaches your child about empathy and immediately takes the emotional charge out of your own energy and frustration.

If you feel like screaming and shouting at your kids then your own anger has been building up for a long time.

A helpful strategy to explore is talking to a mirror. Get a mirror and imagine talking to the other person as if they were looking at you in that mirror. Imagine them sitting calmly, attentively and in a relaxed state listening to you properly. Tell them exactly how you feel - pour out your heart - speak truthfully - explain all the frustration, anger, hurt or disappointment. You can even imagine a rainbow going between you bridging the gap of misunderstanding.

The important aspect of these different techniques is to get all your feelings out in a safe and healthy way.

Some people hit pillows, bounce on the bed, hit golf balls in the garden or go for a long hard walk round the block - I have even been known to go into a cupboard and have a good swear to myself! Do something physical to release your charged -up emotions. Don’t be reckless or dangerous to yourself or your child. Just step back, breathe deeply and slowly and find what suits you and experiment with it - you can even make yourself laugh after you look or sound ridiculous - which is great way to change your state too.

Don’t be afraid to let your anger take its natural course - there’s no need to feel guilt and shame because your thoughts are your feelings in action or motion. That’s why some people describe them as e-motion.

Your anger can be a really positive opportunity to serve a purpose to find out what’s really bothering you deep down. Just stop and ask yourself “What am I so angry about?” You will get clarity from asking that question which will help you identify what you’d like to change. It’s usually something small that can make a big difference in your life and help you move forward -not stay stuck.

Once you’ve expressed your anger about the behaviour that you don’t like in your child, never use a personal vitriolic attack as it damages your child’s self esteem, do your best to forgive your child and to forgive yourself - have a hug, say sorry and move on to learn the lesson from the experience.

Maybe you’re a person who’s been angry for a long time or a major part of your life. I call this “habitual anger” because you’ve got used to behaving in this way so it’s become a habit.

Habitual anger is trying to tell you something - ask yourself some better questions - questions that empower you and give you an insight into yourself:

• Why am I choosing to be angry all the time?
• What am I doing to create these situations time and time again?
• What is it that’s making me angry?
• Who am I really angry at?
• What do I believe about my life that causes all these frustrations?
• Is this the only way I can react to life?
• What could I do differently?
• How could I feel more in control of my life?


Habitual anger is not good for your body as it creates stress, tension and illness. So it’s really a great relief when you start to understand what’s causing it and start to make some small changes to help you feel more in control of your life generally. It’s recognising that by asking yourself better questions you can start to find some new answers.

Many women and particularly Mums have been taught that to be angry was something bad and unacceptable and that to lose your temper meant you were a “Bad Person” or a “Bad Parent.” So, many Mums have learnt to feel guilty and to swallow their anger rather than express it healthily.

This is an unhealthy way to handle your anger as it can turn inwards and make you feel unhappy, helpless, stuck, depressed and generally out of control of your life. So acknowledge that it’s perfectly normal to lose your temper sometimes and find a strategy or technique that suits you to release it safely.

I also show the parents I work with a tapping technique based on Thought Field Therapy that knocks out the anger helping you feel calmer and back in control. It’s what you’ve probably seen Paul McKenna doing on TV.

• It’s important throughout the tapping sequence to focus on what’s making you really angry.

• On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the most angry 1 the least) rate how you feel.

• Take the two fingers on your right hand and tap your little finger on your opposite hand firmly about 5 times just inside the tip of your finger.

• Then tap about an inch to the left of your collar bone where you’d do up a tie, firmly about 5 times.

• Now tap the back of your hand between your ring finger and your little finger in the fleshy part between them constantly as you focus on your anger.

• Keep tapping this point while you:

• Open your eyes

• Close your eyes

• Open your eyes and keep your head still but look down to the left

• Open your eyes and keep your head still but look down to the right

• Whirl your eyes round in a circle in one direction

• Whirl your eyes round in a circle in the other direction

• Hum a few bars of “Happy Birthday” out loud

• Count out loud from 1-5

• Hum a few bars of “Happy Birthday” out loud again

• Tap your little finger spot 5 times again

• Tap your collarbone spot again

• And now rate your anger

Your anger may be gone completely or may feel like just a rating of 1 if that’s the case keep your head still and move your eyes from the floor to the ceiling and back down again and relax.

Thought Field Therapy or “tapping” is the new therapy for the 21st century as it’s fast. You may feel a bit weird doing it the first few times you try it but hey, if it works who cares! You can even teach it to your kids.

You are a role model for your teenagers in everything that you do so teach them how to handle anger and frustration healthily and talk about it with them.

What better gift can you give the future generation?

Marriage Advice: Eight Steps To Marital Harmony

By Nancy J. Wasson
The formula for marital harmony and success is not a mysterious secret. It’s actually very straightforward.The “behind the scenes” part is the constant work that’s required to keep the channels of love and communication clear from obstruction. Diligent spouses consistently spend time and energy addressing issues as they come up so that anger and hurt feelings don’t accumulate.Spouses who want satisfying marriages also look for ways to keep their love strong, such as remembering to show affection and appreciation frequently. They know that the more they feel connected and bonded, the more motivated they will be to resolve problems and hang in there when things are difficult.The following eight steps will guide you in looking at what you can do to increase your chances for creating a happy, harmonious marriage:

1. Work on yourself and your own issues that you brought with you into the marriage.Many responses that you have to your spouse’s actions are triggered by past events going back to your childhood. If one of your emotional wounds is feeling disrespected, then when your partner inadvertently does something that triggers those feelings, you’ll experience an intense reaction. Individual counseling can help you to be more self-aware of what’s behind your intense reactions and what you can do so that you don’t over-react to issues in your marriage.

2. Avoid blaming your partner for problems in the marriage.Blame only causes the other person to become defensive and angry, and it decreases the probability that the two of you can find a win-win solution to your problems. When you focus on blaming your spouse for what’s happening in the marriage, you are planting seeds of resentment that can hurt the relationship. A marriage is composed of two people, and each contributes to the quality of the relationship and shares responsibility for it.

3. Be empathetic and put yourself in your partner’s place when issues come up.Really try to understand where your partner is coming from when you disagree or when your partner does something that you can’t make sense of. Ask your spouse to talk about his or her feelings. Listen respectfully and ask your spouse to clarify points that you don’t understand. Develop a curiosity for learning more about your spouse’s feelings and take special care to create an emotionally safe environment for the discussions with your spouse.

4. Look for ways to make your partner’s life easier and to show your love.Many of the irritants and stressors in modern day life are the little things---the extra time it takes to pick up the cleaning on the way home from work or to put the clean dishes in the dishwasher away. When you see some errand or task that you can do to save your partner time, offer to do it.Look for opportunities to give your spouse a few minutes to relax or have downtime. Watch for things you can do to pamper your partner when you can. It’s often the little things that can make a big difference in marital happiness and satisfaction.

5. Express appreciation often and say form the habit of saying “thank you.”As months and years go by, many spouses take each other for granted and neglect to express appreciation or say “thank you” to each other. Numerous spouses complain that their partners only focus on what they do wrong and never compliment them.It’s sad to think that the one person who means the most to you might have to wonder whether or not you appreciate them. Let your spouse know how much he or she means to you on a frequent basis. Give compliments and praise freely, and express thanks for all that your partner does to enrich your life and marriage.

6. Apologize quickly and sincerely, taking responsibility for your part in whatever happens in the marriage.The truth is that sometimes it’s hard to say “I’m sorry.” That’s when it’s time to remember the question, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?”Accept that things don’t always make sense in a relationship and that confusion and misunderstandings can happen easily. It’s a mark of maturity when you can say, “I’m so sorry for my part in what has happened between us.”

7. Have interests, hobbies and activities in your life that you enjoy so you’re not thrown off center so easily if you have a tiff or quarrel with your spouse.It’s important to have interests and activities of your own that are satisfying to you that can help to keep you balanced and anchored if other areas of your life are upsetting. That way, you can more easily regain a sense of perspective and be able to withstand the on-going stress.For example, if you and your spouse are encountering some rocks along the relationship path, you could go on a long bike ride, go fishing with a friend, visit a museum, or read an interesting book. Those activities and interests can add pleasure to your life to help balance out the temporary problems in your marriage. You’re always ahead of the game when you know some ways to lift your spirits.

8. Look for fun activities and bonding experiences to share with your mate.Be on the lookout for activities that could be fun for you and your spouse to do together. Search the local newspaper for plays, concerts, new movies, museum exhibits, neighborhood fairs and festivals, and new restaurants that are advertised. Laughter and having fun is bonding and can help to create those “Kodak moments” that are so delightful.Also look for activities that represent causes you and your spouse believe in, such as spending a Saturday helping a local charity with a garage sale or volunteering together at a local soup kitchen. These experiences can serve to remind you of what you have in common with your spouse and of how good it feels to be working in unison with a shared purpose.

Body Language and Parenting

By Robert Phipps
Being a parent is not an easy job at the best of times. While we all want to do the best for our children, we sometimes inadvertantly allow the pressures and frustrations of everyday life to show themselves when we talk with our children. Children are incredibly perceptive to our moods and behaviour.

Why ? Because they have to be, we teach them almost everything they know in the first few years of life so they pick up on these things without really having to try very hard at all. If we're lucky, we get to spend a lot of time with our offspring in those early formative years and how we talk, move and gesture to them signals our inner feelings, unless you're already very good and practiced in making that instant change from work mode to parent mode.

How often have you been talking with your spouse, partner or another adult about your really hard day at the office, factory, shop, etc. All of a sudden in burst the kids with their Barbie dolls, Action Man or some other toy, babbling on about what they've just done with it. You, still in work mode, wag the finger at them saying something along the lines of "Can't you see I'm talking, don't interupt" sound familiar ?

Of course it does, the words might not be exactly what you'd say but I can bet that at sometime in your life you've reacted something like this to your child. You don't have to be shouting at your child to give them the indication with your body language alone, that you are not in the best of moods or that this is not the best time to get the full attention of their parent and it would be best if they went away till you are in the right frame of mind to talk and play with them.

Why? Because they pick up on the non verbal cues we all give off. It sounds very obvious and it is but how many times do we do things like this when interacting with our little loved ones. The answer for most parents unfortunately is a lot more than we should because we've not been able to immediately switch from one state of mind to another. As children grow up with us as their mentors, they learn about the subconscious body language way before they learn the spoken language. They also learn about emotions we are expressing towards them through the tone of voice we use when speaking to them.

Can you imagine trying to koo koo a baby with an angry voice ? How do you think the child would react to these gruff and loud noises coming out of your mouth ? It just wouldn't work would it. Because from the moment a new born baby enters this world, the influencial adults, especially the parents, talk in soft quiet tones along with gentle, soft movements. So the child learns almost immediately these people are nice, comforting and non threatening. In fact children are born with only two fears; the fear of falling and loud noises, everything else we or others teach them. This includes how to express themselves both positively and negatively. If you don't belive this, watch your children and see just how many of your gestures, expressions and movements they mimmick without even trying, you'll be surprised.

How many times have you said "You're just like your father/mother." So when you are talking with your child try not to tower over them and talk down at them with the wagging finger or with your arms crossed in front of your chest. Try instead to sit side by side or with your child on your lap or crouch down to their level. Talk where possible in softer tones with your palms facing upwards and outwards. This is an open, honest and non threatening hand gesture we all use when we're being open and honest with people, you can't stop yourself in everyday conversation without sitting on your hands or putting them in your pockets or under your armpits, even then the desire has to be supressed. Show them you are on concentrating solely on them by looking them in the eye, not at the TV, newspaper etc.

Because although you may well be able to multi task different jobs, your child will perceive it as non interest and you won't get your point across in the most effective way. We as adults spend our lives living with both the negative and positive affects of our parents, siblings and the other significant people in our lives. So make sure you pass on as many positive things to your children as you can and just taking a second or two to reflect on how best to handle your children in everyday situations. There is nothing on this earth as precious as a child, they are priceless, each one is totally unique and our future lies in their hands.