Ten Ways To Increase Dating Confidence

By Debra Berndt
Instead of getting a tummy tuck or eye lift, you may want to consider these ten ways to increase your dating confidence for an inner makeover.

1. Be conscious of your self-talk. Identify the voice inside that doesn’t often speak nicely to you. Become a witness to those defeating thoughts from a higher perspective with loving compassion. Gently guide your thoughts to more supportive ideas and create new habits of thinking that lift you up rather than tear you down.

2. Be aware of your environment. Surround yourself with people that support you. Spend less time with those who do not make you feel good about yourself, including critical family members!

3. Stop judging yourself on external situations. Feeling great when you have dates and feeling bad when you don’t is a prison. There is no freedom in life when your joy depends on something or someone outside of you.

4. Make a list of all of your good qualities. Visualize and identify with your ideal self, your true magnificence. If you have a hard time coming up with “good” things, ask friends to tell you what they love about you. If you are still stumped, go back to number 1!

5. Change your subconscious mind. The best way to the pattern of false beliefs in your thinking is to use self-hypnosis. The altered state allows new ideas to flow to the subconscious mind with more empowering ideas. The pattern of thinking will shift automatically and the quality of your life will improve significantly.

6. Don’t be fooled by the “love” feeling. Most make their dating decisions based on their emotions. Unfortunately, the infatuation sensation mostly comes from unhealed places instead of true unconditional love that leads to a lasting healthy relationship. If the “love” feeling is entwined with desperation and fear, you are not in a mutually loving relationship.

7. Take care of your body. Fill your body with healthy food, exercise and give yourself plenty of time for relaxation. Honoring your body is another way of loving yourself.

8. Discovery your spirituality. If you have specific religious beliefs, visit your church or read books related to your particular path and improve your relationship with God, the universe or a higher power. If you are not religious, find harmony in nature or a particular passion (art, writing, music). Instead of making the people you date your personal “God,” find another source to connect with the divine within you.

9. Find a hobby besides dating! Nurture your soul by finding your life’s passion. Instead of focusing on making a special person your central mission, you can let go of need to look for someone to complete you. As you see yourself more complete within, you will not only be more attractive but less needy when you are dating.

10. Romance Yourself. Think of things you would like a romantic partner to do for you and do those things for yourself. By being the source of your own love, you are not desperate and clinging for others’ approval. Treating yourself with respect, nurturing and adoration will undoubtedly attract those who will do the same for you.

How to Motivate Your Boss

by HumanNext

Until recently, almost all writings on motivation were designed to give the manager techniques to motivate his or her staff. It was assumed that motivation was a one-way street that runs from top to bottom. The same thing used to be thought of communication, until someone discovered that it was a two-way street. The new thinking says that employees should be concerned about motivating their bosses, and should not take a passive role toward this issue. But how do you motivate your boss? Here are some of the most effective ways:

1- TAKE THE INITIATIVE: Don't wait for your boss to "give" you work. Find out what needs to be done and suggest to your boss that you do it.

2- GENERATE NEW IDEAS: Think of better ways to do the work in your area and outside of your area too, and tell your boss about it.

3- OFFER YOUR HELP: Your boss needs your support and help. Show her that you're there to provide full support.

4- ASK YOUR BOSS TO DELEGATE: Your boss might not be aware that you are ready to assume more responsibilities and take on new challenges. Ask the boss to delegate responsibilities you think you can take on.

5- OFFER SOLUTIONS: Don't limit your contacts with the boss to the times you bring up a problem or a request for help. Bosses need to hear solutions, not just problems.

6- OFFER COMPLIMENTS: The boss is human. She needs to receive compliments when she does something truly outstanding, or when she helps you in a positive way. Don't worry that it might sound insincere. Compliments, done in good taste and for a good reason, are always appreciated as long as you don't over do it.

7- SHOW COMMITMENT: It's important for the boss to know that you care about your work, about the organization, and about the boss. Show that you care, in words and in action. Go out of your way to provide good service and promote the company, and the department's name.

8- STAY POSITIVE: Employees who talk and act in a negative way can depress people around them, including the boss. It's important for your own mental health and for that of others that you stay positive and enthusiastic. Try saying "Thank God It's Monday" instead of the usual "Friday" reference. But it's a matter of your general attitude, not just what you say. If you want a positive relationship with your boss, be positive yourself.

Ten Secrets To Improved Communication With Your Partner

By Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D.

When I asked several hundred people recently to name the biggest challenge in their relationship, the number one complaint was “poor communication with my partner.”And in my many years of helping couples stay connected, I’ve seen that poor communication has been a leading cause for couples to break up.Why, you ask?Without good communication, you can’t have a satisfying relationship. When communication is blocked or non-existent, a relationship can’t thrive. So what can you do?If the communication in your relationship isn’t up to par, here are ten secrets to improved communication that can help:

1. Take a moment before you leap into a heavy discussion to center yourself and get in sync with your partner. Deliberately pace your breathing and energy with that of your mate. If your partner is relaxed and calm and you start the conversation in a fast-paced, agitated mode, this will feel jarring and unsettling to your partner. It’s easier to shift the energy in a conversation if you start where the other person is energetically and then make small progressive changes if necessary.

2. To avoid making your mate as defensive, use the word “confused” when you can. Instead of saying, “I was furious that you deserted me at the party and never even came over to check to see how I was doing,” say “I know you care about me and my feelings and want me to feel comfortable around your friends, so it was really confusing to feel so ignored and abandoned at the party.”

3. Check things out instead of jumping to conclusions or second guessing your partner. Give him or her the benefit of the doubt by asking for clarification about what happened or what was intended. None of us can read another person’s mind, and yet we often assume we know what our partner is thinking or intending—and we’re often off-base.

4. Cultivate a sense of teamwork with your partner when you talk. Say things like, “It’s such a relief to finally have time to process this with you. I always feel better when I can talk things over with you because we’re good at coming up with solutions together. We’re a really good team.”

5. Use your mate’s name during the conversation. It’s amazing how many couples don’t call each other by name very often. It’s much more intimate and bonding to say, “Maria, you’re always so wonderful about listening to me when I need to talk” than to have a long conversation without using your partner’s name. People like to hear their names—it feels good. Even though you may use “Honey” or “Sweetheart” on a regular basis, use your partner’s name at least occasionally, also.

6. Give your partner your undivided attention when you’re conversing, if at all possible. Of course, some short conversations take place when both partners are on the run, but for deep, meaningful communication, you’ll want to schedule time to talk when you can turn the TV and phone off and reduce the potential for interruption.

7. Make eye contact with your mate when you talk with each other. It’s distracting and unsettling to talk to someone who is looking away or looking down and not making eye contact. It sends the message that you’re not really engaged in the conversation, and it shuts the communication door instead of opening it.

8. Keep your attention focused on the present moment. Resist the urge to think about what you’re going to do at work the next day or what happened yesterday. The other person can always feel the energy shift when you’re not fully present in the conversation.

9. Make scheduling time to communicate with your partner a top priority. It’s easy for communication to get neglected, blocked, or damaged in the hurry-scurry of everyday life. But if your communication with your partner suffers, your relationship will suffer—either now or down the road.

10. Show respect for your mate’s opinions, beliefs, and ideas, even if you think he or she is “wrong” or off-base. Instead of saying, “That’s a crazy idea,” say something like, “That’s an interesting idea. I hadn’t thought of it that way before. My personal opinion is different, and here’s why.” Remember, name calling or belittlement will stop honest communication because your partner won’t feel emotionally safe.

Why Selfishness is Okay

by Susie and Otto Collins

Like it or not, everyone (including you, us andeveryone else) is selfish.We'd all like to think we're not selfish but, we are.In our opinion, being selfish isn't necessarily a bad thing.

In fact, being selfish can actually be a good thing but here's where the problem with being selfish comes in... Most of us have grown up with the idea that it'snot okay to be selfish. We may have been taughtthat being selfish is wrong and it's more nobleor important to put others' needs above our own.

Along these lines, many of us were also taughtthat "unselfishness" is the greatest expression of love--or the way to be in relationship, as well as all the other aspects of our lives.While ignoring another person's feelings anddesires can certainly drive a wedge betweenthe two of you, so too can acting without considering your own wants, needs or desires.What you may not understand or realize is that EVERYTHING that you, we and every one else ever does, is done for selfish reasons.

Even the desire to do something for someone else is always done for our own selfishreasons -- because what we do makes us feel good in some way. This still doesn't mean this is wrong or "bad." It's just that we find it to be very helpful to know our motivations behind the "why" of what we do.Many of us have been in situations where wereally didn't want to do something but felt wehad no other choice.

When you go ahead and do something youdon't want to do and your inner guidanceis telling you not to do it, your heart is justnot in it.When you agree to do something becauseyou are fearful that the other person willbe angry with you, be disappointed withyou, or make your life difficult if you don't,you are lying to yourself and ignoringwhat's truly inside you.And believe it or not, this can be felt by theother person. Even worse, you may feelresentful and like a victim or martyr in thosemoments.Whatever so-called self-less gift you wereintending to give to the other person is totallyundercut by your true feelings--and no trueconnection is made.

Monica was constantly "doing" for everyoneincluding her kids and her husband--and shewas tired. Not only did she have a full-timejob but she was a taxi service for her kidsafter work and helped her husband with hisbusiness in the evenings--plus she looked in on her elderly mother several times a week.As a lot of women, she had grown up with theidea that the role of a woman was to becompletely selfless, always putting her family'sneeds before her needs.

While she loved being a wife and mother, shewas beginning to secretly get resentful ofalways "doing" for others. She began to noticethat she was angrier with her loved ones thanshe used to be and she didn't know what todo about it.She didn't want to appear to be selfish butshe wanted some time for herself to do whatshe wanted to do.If you can relate in any way to Monica's situation,here are some ideas to help you create more ofwhat you want in your life, while keeping your connection with your loved ones...

1. Take a moment to breathe before youautomatically say yes!Even if you aren't ready to jump on the"selfishness" bandwagon, we encourage youto pause and take a few moments before you say yes to anything else in your life.

2. Notice what's an internal "yes" and an internal"no."Create an internal way of recognizing your "yes"and your "no." Think of a definite "yes" and noticehow that feels inside you. Now think of a definite"no" and notice the difference.Now tune in to what's being asked of you andnotice whether it has a "yes" feel to it or a "no"feel.Do your best to set aside any judgments aboutwhat's "right" or "nice" or "helpful" or "expected."Just notice the feelings you are experiencingright now. Try to remember that there are manyways for this other person to get what he or sheneeds. You are not the only avenue to what isbeing asked for.When Monica's husband asked if she wouldpick up his shirts at the dry cleaners after work,before she said yes, she paused, turned herattention inside herself and realized that shefelt a loud "no."Her day was already packed with things to doand she couldn't fit another thing into it.
3. Ask yourself what you want.Learning to listen to yourself--to your wants,needs and desires--is the first step in consciouslycreating your life. Many of us aren't even awareor think we deserve to have what we want so wego around doing what other people want us to doand living their lives--not our own.When Monica asked herself what she wanted,she realized that she not only wanted some timefor herself but also some connecting time just withher husband, without the kids. She and her husbandoften went to their kids' activities together but theyseemed to never have any time alone.
4. Ask yourself what you are willing to do, taking allof your self-judgments, guilt and expectations out ofit.Monica felt that she didn't have time in her day topick up her husband's shirts for him. Although shedidn't want to disappoint or inconvenience him,she realized that if she did this for him, she wouldnot be able to complete her other commitmentsand she would resent him.So she decided that she was not willing to sayyes to his request to pick them up today butshe was willing to pick them up the next day.
5. Express what you are willing and not willing todo from your heart space--not from guilt, angeror resentment.When Monica talked with her husband, she wasclear that what she had already committed towouldn't allow her to do as he asked but shecould pick them up the next day.She said all of this with love in her heart forherself and for her husband.He was surprised but listened to her andagreed that he could find time to pick themup himself.
6. Ask for what you want.If you completely ignore what you want, youare not really serving yourself or yourrelationship. Your relationship can't growif you hold back on what you want.When Monica told her husband that shewanted to have some time, maybe thatweekend, for just the two of them to betogether, he was excited that she hadbrought it up. He wanted the same thingbut knew how busy they both were andhadn't mentioned it.They both knew that they needed torevitalize their relationship and this wasa good beginning.So just as damaging as it can be to ignoreanother person's feelings and desires, it isperhaps even more dangerous to ignoreyour own.Knowing what you want doesn't mean youhave to stomp on another person's wants.In fact, sometimes when you act from whatyou truly desire, you find that there is roomfor everyone's needs to be met.We suggest that you leave all of yourprevious notions about selfishness behind.You might even re-think the whole concept.Tune in to your feelings and what you want. Know that you aren't the only one who coulddo what seems required of you.When you act from your heart and with anempowered willingness, not only will youfeel better, it is likely your loved ones willtoo!

Keeping Ourselves Centered and Protected

By Dr. Judith Orloff

As you go through the intuitive healing process you need to know: each of us has our own special power. We carry it within; it waits to be awakened. Call it your inner self, your spirit, or light--however conceived, you must meet and come to know your core-essence. The source of all intuition, it is your fiercest ally and advocate against danger. By connecting with this part of yourself you'll mount confidence, feel safer in the world. Then whatever or whoever crosses your path--even the devil incarnate--will be no match for your resilience.

I want you to flush out beliefs that divert you from your intuitive healing power. Begin by asking yourself, "What in my life throws me off center and why?" I'm referring to everything from a stranger flashing you a dirty look, to fear of rejection, to dealing with someone in pain. Interactions where your energy dims. Weak spots, points that need securing. And what about negativity? How do you deal with yours, or another's? If a supervisor says, "You'll never be successful," or an ex-lover announces, "You're incapable of a healthy relationship," do you buy into it? We each have our triggers. The basis for centering and protection is grasping where we get caught, and then disengaging the trigger.

Four common beliefs that drain your intuitive healing power:

1. I'm not strong enough to protect myself.
As children, many of us aren't taught to believe in the full power we contain. Yes, our parents may support our intelligence, talents, physical attractiveness--even teach us sound ethical values, the difference between right and wrong. But what happens to our inner self? Might even devoutly religious parents fail to realize it is there? Our starting point is to recognize we possess a very real internal source which enables us to deeply see and know. Yet when something goes wrong, frequently our first impulse is to look outside ourselves for someone to "fix" us. We get sick; we rush to the doctor. We become depressed; we call a therapist. We're in pain; we take a pill. It's fine to seek expertise--but we have it backwards. Look inside first. Really, it's not a big blank in there. Then act on what your wisdom tells you. What stops us? A likely culprit is the vulnerable child we each carry within. Mogul or mailman, mother or monk, this aspect of our psyche yearns to be taken care of, protected, and is unequipped to do it alone. He pops up in the darndest circumstances, reducing us to a helpless tiny tot. Of course we must tenderly acknowledge her needs--but know where to draw the line. Would you want a baby running your boardroom? Your life? Remember: Your inner self is more than your inner child. Far grander--capable of ministering to all your needs--is the radiance of your spirit. Feeling this, knowing this, is the best protection of all. You must become your own champion before anyone else can. When you believe in yourself, no one else can diminish you.

2. Other people's negative thoughts can harm me.
In my workshops, I'm struck by how worried participants are about being thwarted by other people's negative thoughts. Such concerns need to be addressed. On an intuitive healing level, ill intentions or feelings can affect us, creating anxiety or physical dis-ease. We must train ourselves to deflect them. What is negative energy? Any force antithetical to your well-being. How does it turn up in everyday life? Let's start at the lower end of the spectrum. Your neighbor doesn't approve of you. A friend puts down your plan to start college at forty. Your ex-boyfriend's girlfriend is sending you bad vibes. What do you do?

Strategies to develop intuitive healing:
• Don't lead a lifestyle based on assuming others are out to get you. This perpetuates fear.
• If someone is sending you negative thoughts, avoid dwelling on them. The more attention you pay to negativity, the more influence you give it.
• Focusing on the strength of your inner self is the best defense against negativity, no matter how dramatic its manifestation. If you are solidly connected to yourself, nothing can get you.

3. I'm too sensitive for my own good.
The arch-enemy of intuition is lack of sensitivity. Know this: There is no such thing as being overly sensitive. To grasp the concept, you may have to reconfigure old ideas that have been drummed into your head. When parents or teachers said, "You have to toughen up," or especially with boys, "only sissies cry," unknowingly they were undermining the very crux of your intuitive tie with the world. Male sensibility, in particular, has been bludgeoned by such rigid conditioning. But, for both sexes, to break down childhood armoring requires extraordinary commitment, trust, and resolve.

What I'm speaking of isn't simply expressing your emotions. It's slowly learning, in your own time frame, to remain wide open to an intuitive realm--being one with the wind, the moon, other people's joys, sorrows, the continuum of life and death. From this comes an intimate ecstatic bond with all of existence, exactly what you don't want to protect yourself from. Sensitivity only turns against you when you feel overwhelmed. But how do you stay receptive and not get obliterated by the intensity of such input? It is possible to remain vulnerable and feel safe. The answer is never to shut your sensitivity off but to develop it as a creative resource.

4. It’s my job to take on the pain of others.
We're trained that as big-hearted people it's laudable to try to relieve the pain of others. A homeless person holding a cardboard sign, "I'm hungry. Will work for food" at a busy intersection; a hurt child; a distraught friend. It's natural to want to reach out to them, ease their angst. But many of us don't stop there. Inadvertently, we take it on. Suddenly we're the one feeling desolate, off kilter, bereft, when we felt fine before. This loss of center is what I want to address. It does not serve us. I am adamant: the most compassionate, effective route to healing people is to be a supportive presence, not attempt to live their pain for them. Moreover, sometimes suffering has its own cycle that has to be respected, hard as that may be to witness.

We must lie to rest the old metaphysical prototype of the empathic healer. Typically grossly obese women (extra weight, they mistakenly argued, was the only way to stay grounded), who cured patients by absorbing symptoms with the technique of laying on of hands. The result? Patients would leave feeling better; the healers would be a sickly wreck. These women were convinced such a sacrifice was necessary to lessen the suffering of others. As a young physician, I almost got snagged in the same trap. During the first months of private practice, I used to drag myself home, flop into bed half-dead from everything I'd absorb: a sure path to burn-out. This tack wasn't good for me or my patients.

I've learned the value of being a catalyst for people's growth without compromising my well-being. Patients themselves have taught me I can't do the work for them. That is not my job. Nor is it yours. Keep this in mind: it is none of our business to deprive anyone else of their life experiences. I understand the impulse to want to make things better. Compassion and the desire to console are human. But there's a fine line between supporting someone and trying to do it for them. No matter how well-meaning or heartfelt your intention, doing too much is not an act of love but of sabotage. You can be caring and honest with someone, yet still let them be. Don't equate honoring their growth process with abandoning them. A practical philosophy of intuitive healing must include preserving your energy as well as serving others. Striking a balance is essential.

How to release past hurts and betrayals in order to gain more trust in your relationship

by Susie and Otto Collins

Have you ever felt hurt or betrayed by anyone, anywhere or anytime in your past?No matter what age you are, we're guessing thatyou said "yes" to the above question. We've certainly had them. You may not consciously think about them but they are there, coloring your values, beliefs, thoughts, actions and interactions with others--unless you've done some deep healing.As you may have already experienced, these pasthurts can certainly affect new relationships inharmful ways.

Here are a couple of really good questions aboutthis issue from a person who responded to ourlatest survey on trust...

"How do you release past hurts and betrayals inorder to gain more trust in your relationship? Howdo you not project those past hurts onto yourcurrent partner?"

Here's something that we feel really sure insaying...

Some of the reasons we come together in anyrelationship are to help each other to heal, to learn and to grow-- and this includes healing past hurts.

The opportunity for healing in a relationship can come in the form of showing us an exaggerated version of the scenario from the past that we're holding on to, a mirror for us, or showing us an alternative way of being. What we're saying is that if you've buried pasthurts, they will come up--but that doesn't meanthat they have to ruin your current relationship.

While our tendency as humans is to createsimilar situations over and over until we learnfrom them, heal and grow, we can start tomake healthy choices that can help us enjoyourselves a whole lot more in our relationships.

Here are some ideas that both of us haveused to help heal past hurts, create moretrust, and deeper love and connection inour relationship...

1. Recognize when you are triggered andcarried into the past. Ask yourself if youranger, withdrawal or whatever you happento do when you are triggered is eithermagnified by something that happened inyour past or maybe even totally from yourpast. In other words, can you identify whether you were triggered entirely by what's happening in the present or is your reaction mostly from what happenedin your past?

2. Identify your thoughts and fears andquestion them. You may have heard thesaying that fear is False Evidence AppearingReal. We suggest that you write yourthoughts and fears on paper and thenquestion their truth in your current life.

3. If you aren't sure whether your reactionsor fears are about the past or the present,ask your partner for a clarification aboutwhatever triggered you before you react.Ask with curiosity, not blame.

4. Practice discernment. Create ways todifferentiate one partner from another whenyou are triggered--whether your currentpartner is actually "doing" anything ortreating you as someone in your pasttreated you--or not.

Ask yourself--"How is this person or thisexperience different from my currentpartner or situation?" Find evidence thatsupports this difference.You might even keep this "evidence" ona note card where you will see it often.

5. Remind yourself that "that was thenand this is now." You are not the personyou were when you had those previousexperiences and although you may feelthere are some similarities with your current partner, remind yourself that you can make different choices.

You can make those choices not fromfear, but from what you want more of.You can choose to focus on what youwant and not on what you don't want--and look for evidence that it's there.

That's not to say that you close youreyes to harmful patterns that areactually repeating in your life.But it is to say that you look at what'shappening in your present with honestyand curiosity and not stay stuck in pastemotions. Don't allow your past to create your present and future.

Frustrated With Your Relationships? - It’s Not Just About You

By Beth Banning and Neill Gibson



It can be easy to feel hurt by the strong words your loved ones tell you. You might find yourself wondering why they would say something like that to you? What have you done to deserve that kind of pain? Anyone who has ever been in a close relationship knows that problems can get out of hand when feelings of resentment arise. The following article finally explains to you why it’s not all about you… and how you can easily let go of those resentful feelings. Been hurt lately? What are you supposed to do when you feel hurt by someone else’s words? Should you come back with words that are just as painful? Should you take to heart what they’re saying and walk away ashamed? Typically people don’t like either of these options, and we tend to agree. The most effective way to put an end to being hurt once and for all is to change the way you perceive their words. In other words, don’t take it personally. We know that sounds tough, but there’s a simple way to accomplish this. As you're interacting with others keep in mind that you are not the root of their issues—it’s not just about you.



~It’s about them too!~

Let’s focus on the basics. There are two main goals when people say things to you: they either have a desire to meet their needs or they’re saying things that support a value they hold. Once you get your head around this idea and put it into practice you’ll know how to let go of resentment and avoid feeling hurt. It’s natural to feel hurt when you believe another person is intentionally hurting you, but when you take yourself out of the equation it’s much easier to avoid those bad feelings.Consider this scenario: You get a big promotion at work and you are so excited that you call your best friend on your way home that day. You tell her the good news and she replies, “Congratulations, but that’s going to be hard work. I don’t know if you’re up to it.” Whoa. Now the usual response would be to get offended and defensive, but that would only escalate the conflict. Would it make a difference if you learned that your friend was worried that your new promotion would take your time away from her? How would you react if you knew that? What if you learned that she recently got turned down for a promotion at work? When you think about it, there are many possible reasons for your friend’s comments, and none of them have anything to do with you.



~Learning from Others ~

What would the Dalai Lama do if someone approached him and said, “You don’t understand pain or poverty. You have fifty people serving you at any time. You’re just lazy!” Would he get mad and reply, “You have no idea what I do on a daily basis. And what about yourself? Do you even work for a living or do you just go around telling other people they’re lazy?”I bet you can think of a lot of people who would respond that way, but probably not the Dalai Lama. Why? Is it because he knows a truth that most people have yet to discover? I’m assuming the Dalai Lama is enlightened to the point where he knows not to get offended by the words of others. He understands that the young man’s words are really an attempt to meet a need, or support something he values; they have nothing to do with the Dalai Lama. He recognizes his role as a sounding board for the young man. He understands that the words have less to do with the him and more to do with the young man’s pain and suffering.



~Getting on with It~

It can be difficult to beat the emotions that automatically overwhelm us after hearing words that seem hurtful. However, you will be empowered when you learn just how to avoid taking things personally. Just grasping the concept of “it’s them, not you” is the first major step to getting to a place where you can free yourself from resentful feelings. Once you set yourself free from this burden you can finally open yourself up to true understanding of compassion for others.So as you find yourself in situations where your feelings are hurt, remember to stop and think about WHY they are saying those words… you’ll soon discover it’s not all about you. Take on the role of an unbiased outsider who is analyzing your relationship—where is the other person coming from? What needs are being met by saying such seemingly hurtful words? When you take a step back and remove yourself from fault, your life is much less frustrating and much more enjoyable.

Teenage Mood Swings …..are they normal?

By Sue Atkins
Perhaps you’ve heard from 'You don't understand me?' to 'Why can't you just stop going on at me and leave me alone!' all before and are wondering if it’s normal. Well, to reassure you …. it is but your teenager's mood swings can affect the whole family and they can be a source of huge distress, anger and frustration for everyone.Adolescence is a complex period of transition and change and mood swings are all part of the process of growing up. Your teenager suddenly becomes concerned about their identity, and begins to feel the pressures of school, exams and fitting in with their peers. They begin to worry about their appearance far more, their friendships and how people outside the family perceive them and these are just some of the things that preoccupy your teenager.Add to this, the ebb and flow of their changing and spinning hormones and you get a very volatile mixture of happy, personable and outgoing one day, morose, depressed and sullen the next but the key thing is for you to stay grounded, centred and calm regardless of your teenagers mood.

Easier said than done some days but essential in the long run!Remember to not take it personally !If your teen is having a bad day, you and the rest of your family are the safest and the most available target for their frustration and anger. Try not to take it to heart. Blaming you can be an easy way out for your teen who may be having a tough time. But by showing empathy and tolerance and by being available to just listen to some of their feelings often helps your teenager feel understood.Be sensitive to when they want to chat things through and be flexible in sitting down and listening even when you’re tired or busy as it will build many wonderful bridges between you.Always remember to press an imaginary pause button (like on your DVD) and to take a literal step back as this distances you from the heated moment and try not to overreact. Arguing back, shouting or criticising only makes things worse.

You may feel incredibly angry or frustrated but avoid rising to the bait. Imagine yourself as an anchor on the bottom of a deep ocean. Deeply grounded and firm in the sand as your teenager is bobbing about out of emotional control at the top of the water – flaying about. Take some deep slow breaths and imagine a cool breeze blowing over your face calming you down and let the situation blow over the top of your head.When you feel calm and when your teen has calmed down discuss what happened and how you felt later. Strike while the iron is cold!

A useful strategy to use is:
• When you …..• I feel• Because……• I would like …….

Is there something bothering your teen?Sometimes there really is more to it than the just the “moody” moment. So find out whether there is possibly something more behind your teen’s snappiness and short fuse? Could they be worried or pressured about something? Ask if there is something troubling them gently and chose your moment carefully. If they want to talk to you about it, make it clear that you are always willing to listen without judgement, nagging or heavy handed advice.Remember that teenagers can be very secretive and withdrawn, so don't feel rejected if they don’t want to open up to you. Take time out naturally together to chat, go shopping or take the dog out for a walk and let the conversation flow naturally and easily without pressure.

The family is a natural, safe and easy target for letting off steam, as your teenager knows you will still love and accept them even if they lose their temper with you. And it's very likely that outside of the family, your teenager controls their temper and moods and is far more easy-going and pleasant. But be clear on your own boundaries of what is and isn’t acceptable to you at home, as children of all ages need to know their boundaries. It’s not unreasonable to expect them to exert some control over their moods and temper at home and don’t fall into the trap of excusing and accepting everything because you’ve got a hormonal teenager in your house.Explain the effect that their moods are having on the rest of the family as your maturing teenager may not be fully aware of the impact they are having on everyone. Explain and be clear, that although you understand their situation, they are still part of the family and if they shout, snap or swear, it makes the atmosphere unpleasant for everyone. State what you find acceptable and be unwavering on those values and be clear on your expectations. Say that you expect them to show more control over their emotions now they are maturing and to not lose their temper so easily.

As kids become more assertive, confident and confrontational it’s a natural reaction to match the behaviour and to become more assertive, more confrontational and more controlling but that is where, in my opinion things can go wrong.It’s about NOT matching that behaviour, it’s about recognising what’s happening and trying the new strategies and techniques of negotiating, discussing, and talking – the time for telling is over.

Ask yourself:
• What changes can I make this week to stay grounded, centred and in control of myself?
• What will be the benefits to myself, my relationship with my teenager and the rest of the family if I remember to make these small changes?
• What small steps can I take this week to build bridges between myself and my teen?• What one new strategy could I try this week?
• What can I remember to do if it all goes pear shaped to keep the bigger long term view of our relationship?
• How can we all relax a little more this week – what can we do together to make us all laugh?