Book Review: It's All in Your Head

Comment: Nice read, but few good points to pick.

Excerpts:

Indulgence won’t bring happiness.

It’s the endless and constant pursuit of material possessions and the belief that those possessions have the power to make you happy, that is problematic.

We spend our time envying people whom we wouldn’t wish to.

Focus on getting the best reward possible for the risk you’re prudent able to assume, not how much someone was willing to risk.

If you don’t face the fear and take the action, you are dooming yourself to a life filled with regrets and unfulfilled dreams. Only by making the unknown known can you get past this fear.

Many of us hesitate and delay because we’re afraid someone will find fault with our actions, will judge us to be failures.

You can’t lead a satisfied life without accepting your own imperfection and forgiving the imperfection of others.

Give yourself permission to fail and give yourself permission to succeed in life.

If you’re wrong only a couple of times in life, those incidents will be very upsetting. But, if you’re wrong once or twice every day, you get so used to it that being right or wrong won’t matter so much.

Contentment comes when you set priorities and play the hand you’ve been dealt the best you can.

How to Decline an Invitation to Dinner or Other Social Event

by: WikiHow

Have you ever been invited to a dinner you did not want to attend? Or perhaps a friend invites you to a social function that you would rather avoid? If you have experienced any of these social situations, you may know how difficult it is to decline the offer. Accepting an invitation is a good way to get out of your comfort zone and develop relationships, but sometimes turning down the offer is the only realistic solution for those with a busy schedule or personal reasons.

1. Understand why you were invited. Is your friend inviting you? Do you work in a small company, and your boss is inviting you to dinner? Are you expected to attend this invitation?
2. Weigh the importance of this invitation. There are many social obligations we face throughout life, some more important than others. A social event that typically occurs once in a lifetime, such as a 'coming of age' party or someone's wedding, should have more importance over a night at the movies. How does this invitation rate compared with your existing obligations and priorities?
3. Thank the person. Someone is taking their time to invite you to some event they feel is worthwhile. Thank the person for their consideration.
4. Create a delay if needed. If you're confronted in person with a verbal invitation, respond with a request to check your schedule. This may be communicated within a question, as in "do you mind if I check my schedule and get back to you?", or a statement, "I really need to check my schedule before I commit to anything".
5. Be honest. To an extent, truthfully give the person a yes or no response. Sometimes a direct answer is desired, especially if the invitation is a social event with an RSVP. Many invitations will have a form on the card to select either yes or no. In this situation, it is not necessary to give an elaborated response. If you're unable or unwilling to attend, simply mark 'no' and thank the sender for his or her invitation.
6. Follow up with a positive conclusion. If applicable, let the person know you are interested in accepting the social event at a different time or under different circumstances. Showing interest softens the rejection of an offer.
7. Accept the first invitation or don't accept any if you received more than one for a particular night that would overlap or conflict.

Tips:

• Invitations are given for a variety of reasons, but many are positive. Whether given to a friend, family member, co-worker, or acquaintance, it is most likely given because the person cares about you. Remember this when declining an invitation.
• If you are really not interested in a social event because it is not your cup of tea, tell them. Regardless of any event's popularity, no one should expect people to have the same joys in life.
• If your receive multiple invitations for the same night you should always accept the first one you received. If you decline the other invitations you can let them know you have a prior commitment. Never decline an invitation to one party to attend another one that you were invited to later. You will appear as if you waited for the better offer.
• You should never get to a party and complain because of other guest there (ex-girlfriend, old co-worker, or someone you generally don't like). Be a gracious guest, enjoy your host's company, make the rounds and leave early, but do not be the first to do so. Social events are celebrations and you should understand the guest list was not created around your black book.
• If you choose to accept multiple invitations for one night you should stay at the first event the longest.

Warnings:

• Do not repeatedly reject invitations from the same individual or group. Doing so may create a social stigma about you as an individual. If you do have an interest in any of the invitations, accept at least once or express your desire to do so. If not, it is better to state your disinterest ahead of time.
• If you declined an invitation to a party you should understand that other friends may have accepted the invitation. It is in very poor taste for you to sit at a bar or other party and text or call your friends at the party you chose not to attend.
• Do not be rude or mean when you say no to an invatation.

Why Some People Have All the Luck

By Professor Richard Wiseman, University of Hertfordshire

Why do some people get all the luck while others never get the breaks theydeserve?A psychologist says he has discovered the answer.Ten years ago, I set out to examine luck. I wanted to know why some peopleare always in the right place at the right time, while others consistentlyexperience ill fortune. I placed advertisements in national newspapersasking for people who felt consistently lucky or unlucky to contact me.

Hundreds of extraordinary men and women volunteered for my research and overthe years, I have interviewed them, monitored their lives and had them takepart in experiments.The results reveal that although these people have almost no insight intothe causes of their luck, their thoughts and behaviour are responsible formuch of their good and bad fortune. Take the case of seemingly chanceopportunities. Lucky people consistently encounter such opportunities,whereas unlucky people do not.

I carried out a simple experiment to discover whether this was due todifferences in their ability to spot such opportunities. I gave both luckyand unlucky people a newspaper, and asked them to look through it and tellme how many photographs were inside. I had secretly placed a large messagehalfway through the newspaper saying: "Tell the experimenter you have seenthis and win $50."This message took up half of the page and was written in type that was morethan two inches high. It was staring everyone straight in the face, but theunlucky people tended to miss it and the lucky people tended to spot it.Unlucky people are generally more tense than lucky people, and this anxietydisrupts their ability to notice the unexpected.

As a result, they miss opportunities because they are too focused on lookingfor something else. They go to parties' intent on finding their perfectpartner and so miss opportunities to make good friends. They look throughnewspapers determined to find certain types of job advertisements and missother types of jobs. The lucky ones make the best of what they have and findways to make it better. Unlucky ones tend to find an easy way out and failin life.Lucky people are more relaxed and open, and therefore see what is thererather than just what they are looking for. My research eventually revealedthat lucky people generate good fortune via four principles. They areskilled at creating and noticing chance opportunities, make lucky decisionsby listening to their intuition, create self-fulfilling prophesies viapositive expectations, and adopt a resilient attitude that transforms badluck into good.

Towards the end of the work, I wondered whether these principles could beused to create good luck. I asked a group of volunteers to spend a monthcarrying out exercises designed to help them think and behave like a luckyperson.Dramatic results! These exercises helped them spot chance opportunities,listen to their intuition, expect to be lucky, and be more resilient to badluck. One month later, the volunteers returned and described what hadhappened. The results were dramatic: 80% of people were now happier, moresatisfied with their lives and, perhaps most important of all, luckier.

The lucky people had become even luckier and the unlucky had become lucky.Finally, I had found the elusive "luck factor".Here are Professor Wiseman's four top tips for becoming lucky:

1) Listen to your gut instincts - they are normally right
2) Be open to new experiences and find ways to make things work better.Family and loved ones for a start.
3) Spend a few moments each day remembering things that went well
4) Visualize yourself being lucky before an important meeting or telephonecall.

Have a Lucky day and work for it.The happiest people in the world are not those who have no problems, butthose who learn to live with things that are less than perfect.

Busting Romance Myths

By Joseph Stuczynski
This article is about learning how to date successfully, not about the clothes you wear, your attitude, acting your age, hairstyles or any other physical or social trait. It’s about YOU, and learning how to define a healthy relationship based on your desires and needs. It’s about attracting people and situations that are fulfilling to your spirit, and recognizing that you have unlimited options. It’s about learning how to change old patterns so that you can define life on your own terms.

Dating provokes a wide spectrum of emotions, ranging from excitement and giddiness to disappointment and frustration, which means starting a new relationship, requires that we take a leap of faith. We have to trust that our instincts will attract the right person, who offers qualities that will create lasting happiness in our lives. It’s often a slippery slope for many of us though. Making the right choices or finding ‘true love’ can cause more frustration than peace. Reading romance novels, talking to friends and watching movies only add to our confusion. We find that our instincts aren’t always the best choice, so we allow concepts such as the proverbial white picket fence to guide us through the process.

Decades ago, a white picket fence in the burbs became a status symbol by a wealthier sect of society to represent success, good fortune, and love. It was an ideal many people strove to achieve. Along the way we learned to adopt these external qualities into our relationship model, as well as our parents’ (or caregivers’) patterns, behaviors and decision-making skills, while neglecting our inner voice or spirit. We’re never shown how to define love for ourselves, so we add these outside factors into our own formula, which oftentimes perpetuate our frustration of not being able to date successfully or find Mr. or Miss Right. Instead, we learn by trial and error, and in some instances we just give up trying altogether.

To attract the right person you have to figure out not only what you desire but also who you are. A basic rule in the Law of Attraction states that the world will change around you as you change the world within you. Unfortunately, this is a catch 22 in personal development. Unless you’re given the tools to succeed, you’ll continue down the road most traveled. After you spend the time defining what you do want, you may find that a white picket fence isn’t a characteristic you really want. To create a new relationship model for yourself, it’s important to debunk a few distracting societal myths so you can begin with a clean slate.

Romantic Myth Buster #1: You control who you date. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but as I mentioned earlier, unless you do a little self-discovery you’ll typically attract someone that fits a pattern you observed in your parents. It’s true. Before man could write, humans survived for thousands of years mimicking roles and behaviors, which became heavily ingrained in our species. It’s why young adults find themselves in carbon copy relationships that their parents warned them to avoid.

Romantic Myth Buster #2: It’s too late to change. This is 100%, unequivocally, absolutely untrue. Most of the time, we just don’t know any better, so we gravitate towards a pattern, dynamic, or role that we learned as a means to survive. You can change if you want to, but the trick is to know who you want to change into. The Universe, God, or whom or whatever you believe in can only respond to the clarity of your intentions. If your intentions are hazy then so will the results.

Romantic Myth Buster #3: Movies, history and literature are a good template for romance. Movies can be a real bitch on your love life because many of the depicted love stories are simple fiction. This means that if you haven’t spent the time defining what you DO want, it’s easy to fall prey to the idyllic and romanticized images seen in movies, which are meant to entertain people.Historical and literary references such as Romeo & Juliet, or Antony and Cleopatra can also be very damaging to your perception of what a romance should be. Keep in mind, both of these examples ended in double suicide, which while great for dramatic effect, hardly inspirational. Many of these images depict love as desperate, unwavering, and high in DRAMA. My guess is that these qualities aren’t exactly what you’d want to bring home to meet mother.

Romantic Myth Buster #4: ‘THE ONE’ is out there. Ok, this particular topic makes me feel as if I’m treading a thick bowl of tapioca because the concept of finding ‘The One’ has become deeply ingrained in our culture. What I will say though, is that unless you know yourself, it will be harder to attract the idea of ‘The One’ or the perfect partner. In other words, your perfect partner will be easier to find once you know your perfect self. It’s also important to understand that while this idea offers possibility and hope, it also provokes a tremendous level of idealistic expectation, which as you know, can only bring disappointment. My advice is to spend some time defining what you DO want, so that you dramatically improve your chances of attracting your ideal mate.

Romantic Myth Buster #5: Self-discovery is easy. I’ll probably catch some slack for this too, but the truth is that self-discovery and change can be very difficult. You have to be committed and willing to put the time and effort into figuring out what color YOUR picket fence may be, or more broadly what your relationship model looks like. Our culture is taught more to follow than to lead and be daring, which is necessary to evolve and grow. If you’re dedicated to attracting fulfilling relationships, you must commit to self-discovery; otherwise you’ll continue down the road most traveled. It may not be the magic pill you hoped to hear but it will produce the results you’re looking to achieve.

Here are two exercises you can do to change your life, and attract the type of relationships you want. First, define a set of personal beliefs, ethics or guiding principles. Great men such as Aristotle and Benjamin Franklin developed their core values as a template to guide their actions and decisions. They believed that to create a fulfilling life, one has to first define it on a personal level. In other words, you can have the life you want, once you know what you’re seeking. Second, define your relationship model. Finding the right partner requires that you define the qualities that he/she will demonstrate. Make a list of reciprocal qualities, ones that you’re both responsible for bringing to the relationship. Be thorough and true to yourself. The combination of those two exercises will become the foundation to attracting the people and situations you want. Once complete, read these items every morning to yourself so you can absorb, live, breathe them.

Work Behavior that Keeps Your Boss Happy, and Makes Him Like You

Fr: career-success

What work behavior makes your boss like you? I am not here to discuss tips or tricks that will hoodwink your superiors to like you. Those tricks will only work for the short term but will hurt you in the long term.

I'm here to guide you to stand out naturally. If you have proper work behavior, you will impress your boss. However, you do need to be consistent with these behaviors. There are no results without hard work. That said, each of the behavior discussed is not difficult to practice.

1. AttentiveLearn to be attentive at work. Your behavior at work should be one of attentiveness. To begin with, you need to be a good listener. Listen to the instructions that are given to you.
Make sure you understand what is being said and what is being asked. When you take the wrong instructions you make the unit you are working for inefficient. Attend to details. Make sure every work that you have your hand in is one of excellence. You know the results shine because you paid attention to the details. Never deliver shoddy work. Your shoddy work not just reflects on you but your boss too. When you are attentive at work, your boss will naturally notice you.

2. BoldI know, this sounds scary. You are a junior at work but yet you need to be bold? Yes, be bold? Being bold means being able to face your fears. You are new and there are a lot of things that are new to you. You quite naturally fear some of the processes. Sometimes, you may even feel intimidated by some colleagues. In such instances, you need to be bold. There is nothing to fear as long as you know your working attitude is a positive one.
This also means you are willing to fail and learn from failure. When you accept this behavior you are willing to take risks and willing to do new things. Someone who is courageous enough to try new things, willing to fail and learn from failure will catch the boss’s attention.

3. CalmIf your personality is quite naturally a calm one, this working behavior is easy. If you have a tendency to panic or you have the tendency to be temperamental then you need to work harder. Be calm and composed at all times regardless of the work challenges in front of you.
Remember if something tough is for you to tackle, create a plan to solve it. Everything else short of solid action will be inefficient use of your energy. Your bosses want someone who can help to clean the mess. You shouldn’t be part of the mess. Remain calm and composed at all times. This behavior will have your boss take a second look at you. Soon you will become someone he can depend on.

4. DependWhich brings me to the next work behavior. When you become a competitive advantage for your boss, your boss will like you. He/she will become dependent on you. Strive to become someone your boss can depend. How do you make this work? For starters, be a good listener and be someone your boss can trust.
Do not be tempted to get involved in office politics. The best way to stay away from office politics is to shut up. Knowing when to keep your mouth shut should be your work behavior. Do not add to comments. Do not volunteer answers. When your boss can trust you and you have good working attitude, you will become someone your boss can depend on.

5. EnergyThis work behavior isn’t just about physical energy. It also means mental energy. It also means infectious energy. This means you have a work behavior that can energize your unit. You are passionate about your work. People like working with you, as you seem to have endless energy. Ever noticed how a person in the office that has energy always gets the better assignments? That’s because their energy is the boss’s competitive advantage.
You may already posses these work behaviors. Choose one work behavior that you feel is the easiest to tackle now and work on it. Before long you would have mastered the A to E of how to make your boss like you.

How To Work With People You Don’t Like: Engage Them Sincerely

fr: career-success

Some time in your career you will come across having to work with people you don’t like. So, how do you work with people you don’t like? Admittedly, it is a huge challenge for many people. Even for me personally. I still grapple with the issue. But it is a fact of working life, no matter how much we do not like it, these interactions are crucial to get work done.

Many newbies and veterans alike are caught asking this question day-in and day-out at work – how do you work with people you don’t like? Do you force yourself to do it? Pretend we like them? What else can you do besides being pretentious? Do you really leave your values at home when you go to work?

The answer is – no, you do not have to. Of course the remedy may not be easy. It will entail you having to step out of your ego for a while to see what is truly happening and to give you clarity of the situation. That stepping out of your own ego is the toughest to do. But I assure you, is a worthwhile step. Personally, when I am able to do it, it feels like a huge stone is lifted off my heart.

How to work with people you don’t like? Try these 3 steps individually or in combination.

EngageHow to work with people you don’t like? Engage them is one way. To engage in this case means to communicate with them. Step out of your own ego no matter how difficult it is to get yourself to sincerely talk to them. You may be pleasantly surprised that the other person wants to talk.

To engage also means not to hold any grudges against the other person. Face the issue with the other party and discuss whatever challenges you may have candidly. Say what you mean and mean what you say politely. You can be stern but do not be rude. Be there to want to solve the challenges you are facing with the person. The important thing about how to work with people you don’t like is to be sincere about it.

When you are sincere, you are seeking a win-win situation. You are manipulative when you are seeking a win-lose situation. Think about this when you engage this person. Being sincere is also a transfer of feelings. Which means you want the other person to know that you genuinely want to settle any animosity you have with each other. Build a reputation for yourself as someone who tries to work things out with others when things seem rough. That way it helps you in the long run too.

How do you work with people you don’t like? Try to engage them. Communicate sincerely. Transfer your genuine feelings, after all you did think of wanting to solve the challenge and make things easier for both. You may be surprised the other party wants to engage you too.

How To Make Your Boss Like You

fr: career-success

You have just entered the working world. One obvious question on your mind is – how to make your boss like you? Frankly, as a fresh entrant in the job market, making your boss like you isn’t difficult. It just takes a little common sense. So, how to make your boss like you? Let’s start with a few obvious ones.
1. Ask When You Do Not KnowNever assume things. Never assume how things are done or need to be done. When you are not clear always ask. You probably think, wouldn’t that make me look bad? Well, what is worst? Because you assumed you got the work wrong and spend more time correcting it or asking to clarify?

2. Take InitiativeAsking when you do not know does not mean that you cannot take initiatives. In fact, you should learn to take initiatives when the need arise or when the opportunity presents itself. Is there something that can be done better or should be attended to but no one found the time to attend to it. Ask to be the one in charge and make sure you see through the initiative you have taken.

3. Be An Ever Present HelpBe there whenever help is needed. Is there a project that may need more hands? Take the initiative to ask for a role.
Your boss will appreciate the extra help. Even if your help is not needed, your boss would at least know you are willing to chip in. This is one of the easiest ways on how to make your boss like you.

4. Make Your Boss Look GoodNow, that doesn’t mean you take blame for things that go wrong. It can be something as easy as preparing the background to a meeting she is attending. In this case, ensure that she has the pertinent information needed to have a productive meet.

5. Stay Out Of TroubleDo not get involved in office politics. Do not gossip. Do not speak ill about other colleagues – be it in your team or otherwise. Not only will you suffer for your own words and actions, your boss will too. Create good working relationships across departments. Another way on how to make your boss like you is to stay out and avoid giving your boss any trouble. When you go to your boss with challenges you face, always bring two to three solutions and state your preferred solution to the challenge you are facing.

6. Be Like A Dry SpongeSoak up the working culture around you. Learn the working styles of your colleagues and how you can find competitive advantage for yourself. Observe how personnel dynamics work in the office - like who can get things done due to their influence. Become a quick learner of everything.

7. Pick Up Cues Of How Your Boss WorksLearn, observe and ask how your boss likes things done. The best person to ask is your boss and those closest to him.
Learn from other’s mistakes when they work with your boss. People will complain when the boss reprimands them, and that is the best time to learn what doesn’t go down well with the boss.

8. No Job Is A Bad JobPeople like to pick and choose jobs or projects assigned to them. They choose to believe that some have more value than others. To a certain extent that is true. But it is also true that bosses know who are the ones who are sincere in helping and uses these opportunities to learn. No assignments are bad at an early level. Every project is an opportunity to learn.
Take the assignment from your boss graciously and do your best. It will not go unnoticed.

9. Don’t Try To Get Away With ThingsWhen you make a mistake, come off clean and do not try to cover up. That’s one way on how to make your boss like you.
Don’t try to get away with things also means do not do your work by testing how little effort does it need. Some people are always trying to get work off with the least possible effort and at a passable rate only. Strive for excellence in everything that you do. Let the quality of your work shine. Your boss will know.

10. Be EarlyOr should I say - if you want to know how to make your boss like you, be punctual. Sometimes this can mean be early at work. Do not turn up for work later than your boss. When you leave for the day, let your boss know you are leaving and ask if anything needs to be attended either that day itself or the next day.
Of course, there are many more ways on how you can make your boss like you. These are some of those that can work easily.
Like everything in life, you need to do this sincerely in order for it to work.

Coping with Office Politics: How to Stay Above It All for a Career Newbie

It is tough coping with office politics especially when you are a career newbie. Sure, there are a million of other things you need to consider when dealing with office politics. It is never easy and this article is not here to say that it is easy. These are merely steps that have worked before in certain circumstances. You will have to be the judge as to how you can make these steps work.
That said, I would urge you to try some of these steps no matter how small. Even if you does not help you to cope with office politics, these are at their basic level good working attitude and behaviors.

As a career newbie, how do you stay above the office politics? How do you cope with the politics?

1. Speak KindlyCoping with office politics is easy if you choose to speak kindly. What does speaking kindly mean? Speaking kindly means to choose your words carefully. That is not to say to be pretentious. Be sincere, nothing will work if you are not sincere. To choose your words carefully mean do not use scathing remarks or remarks that is of a personal nature.
Learn to compliment and not criticize. If you have a constructive comment you need to give, compliment first. Say what is right about it, then what can be improved. When you learn to compliment more and give sincere constructive comments, coping with office politics becomes less stressful. People cannot attack someone who is positive.

2. HelpOne way of dealing with the office politics is to do your best in helping others. Yes, there will be the perception of helping ‘the other camp’ to contend with. But if you sincerely help someone, you neutralize the animosity that was created too.
Doing your best to help others entail looking at the welfare of others. That is not to say you neglect your own welfare. When you take others welfare into consideration, you think about how does your work affects others. That’s help at work at its most basic level. Your work affects another colleague. You should constantly strive to be of service to the others and make your work better. When you do that, you are dealing with the office politics in the most positive manner. You stay above it all and are less prone to attacks.

3. EmpathizeYes, a very often used word in the management world. It is an action that if you are able to do it well, will help you cope with office politics. To empathize simply means putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. Learn not to brush off someone’s opinion just because it differs from our own. You can speak about your differences but do not be disrespectful about it. Remember speak kindly?
Remind yourself - there is no one way in doing anything. Sure some ways maybe better than others. So, discuss and debate. Just do not be disrespectful. Learn to understand where they are coming from even if you do not agree. That is one way of coping with office politics. Firmly disagreeing without being disrespectful.
Sometimes when coping with office politics you need to begin with yourself. Learn to increase your capacity to connect with others. When you do, you turn animosity into affinity and negative energy can be neutralized.

How to Handle Embarrassment

by eHow

Immediately following an embarrassing moment, we can feel mortified, as if the moment's humiliation will forever be in the front of our minds. Embarrassment affects some of us more than others, but no one likes the feelings that come with an embarrassing moment. Learn how to handle embarrassment and move on.


Step1Remember that everyone does something that leads to embarrassment from time to time. It's something we all go through, and we all get over.

Step2Place your focus on others' embarrassing moments to deflect attention from yourself. You may even have a laugh thinking about some of the embarrassing moments you witnessed in life.

Step3Admit what you've done, apologize if you offended or negatively affected someone else, and move on with what you're doing. Dwelling on the experience will only make you feel worse.

Step4Laugh at yourself. In times of embarrassing moments, others can feel just as uncomfortable as you do. If you're able to laugh, others will laugh with you, minimizing the tension surrounding the event.

Step5Make a mental note of what you did and think about how you can prevent it happening again. If it was a complete accident or fluke, you may have to take it with a grain of salt. If it was something you can control, for example, putting your foot in your mouth, think about what you can learn from the situation, and avoid it happening again in the future.

Step6Live and learn. Chalk it up to another one of life's unpredictable experiences.

Self-conscious? Get Over It

By: Neil Parmar
Ever get stressed out because you weren't sure what you'd say at that morning meeting?
Worried about what you'd look like after squeezing into last year's bathing suit?

Self-consciousness keeps us fighting that battle to control our self-image. But obsessing over our shortcomings inevitably traps us in embarrassment and shame.

The difference between embarrassment and shame is slight but significant, and the distinction is crucial for building a protective armor of self-esteem. When we introduce our friends to a colleague and forget her name, it's an embarrassing blow to our image, because we think others are viewing us in a negative light. If there are enough embarrassing moments that we begin viewing ourselves badly, then our self-image collapses and we feel that heavy weight of shame.

Creating a pillar of success in our lives is one way to end the dreaded trap of embarrassment and shame. Successfully completing a difficult project at work builds confidence and leads to future success. Similarly, a satisfying relationship is a prideful accomplishment and helps motivate us to seek other such connections.

But how do we take that first brave step away from self-consciousness in order to feel like (and ultimately become) a success?

Kill shame-inducing situations before they become a threat, advises David Allyn, Ph.D., a Harvard-trained social scientist and visiting scholar at Columbia University's Institute for Social and Economic Research and Policy. His book, I Can't Believe I Just Did That, includes a few pointers:

Be on time. Punctuality creates self-discipline and impresses both others and yourself. It's a healthy habit that keeps you calm about the clock.

Stick to the facts. You're bound to get caught lying, so why bother? Lies just set you up with unnecessary opportunities to feel ashamed.

Cut the gossip. Comments made behind your back sting, and don't forget how you feel about those who talked about you. Focus on deep, meaningful talk where every conversation can be a chance to realize a dream or accomplish an aim.

Keep your word. It feels good to be considered reliable, so honor your word no matter what the reasons are for disregarding them. Remember, a promise is a promise.

If the damage is already done and you find yourself at the tail end of an embarrassing situation, you can still avoid that feeling of shame by recovering gracefully. Don't lash out in defense or lie to cover your tracks—you'll just end up feeling worse and likely complicate a relationship that doesn't need complicating.

Try laughing it off or explaining why you made the mistake. Also, don't leave a social situation simply to avoid the people you made a mishap in front of—avoidance will leave you feeling further ashamed and isolated.

Here's a very important point to remember: People tend to forget others' mistakes and obsess over their own.

7 Calm Down and Get A Grip Anger Management Tips

Fr: career-success

Anger management in the workplace can be especially a challenge for a newbies at work. That is not to say that it is not a challenge for the more senior at work but for a newbie it is even tougher. After all you are working to create a good impression. Here are 7 calm down tips to help you get a grip of your anger effectively.

1. You Must Really Want To ChangeThe first step in anger management in the workplace is – you must really want to change. There is no in-between. No excuses. If you know your temper is a problem at work and creating disruption for yourself and others, then YOU must want to change. If you continue to blame others for your outbursts, no one can help you.

2. Recognize The TriggersDo not give yourself excuses. Be sensitive to the triggers. What are the things that make you angry and be sensitive to them. When you start to recognize these triggers you can be better prepared. Are the triggers a certain type of personality? Are they situations? Perhaps when things are rushed it triggers your anger? Can it even be emails or how some emails are written? Be sensitive to these as part of your anger management in the workplace.

3. Step Back. Walk AwayWhen you are sensitive and recognize to the triggers, it is time to step back and walk away. When you feel your blood boiling due to the presence of these triggers, step back or even walk away. Go to the washroom. Take a break from the situation instead of giving into the primal impulse to retaliate.

4. Post A ReminderPost reminders for yourself. Have it in front of your mirror, somewhere you can see before you go to work. It can even be in your car or right in front of your computer monitor. But remember not to let it become a blind spot. Make it a point to read the reminder EVEN if you are not angry. It can be a phrase, a quote or plain two words – eg. Keep Calm or Have Patience.

5. Practice Calmness and PatienceLook for opportunities to practice calmness and patience. Recognize the benefit of practicing it. It is tough but once you start you will want to do more of it. If you are like me living in a city where gridlocks or traffic jams are common, it is the best place to practice calmness and patience. Traffic can be one of the most testing things in the morning. Tell yourself to remain calm and patient. After all, no amount of shouting or slamming on the steering wheel will get you any further. When you stay calm and unfazed in such a simple situation you will start to reap the benefits. That experience can be transferred to your anger management at the workplace.

6. Be Positive. Be Professional.Be positive about things and people. Most times your anger can be triggered by negative thoughts about people, situations and processes. Think positive about these situations. You waste a lot more time, energy and effort by being angry than calm.
Know that you need to be professional at work. And getting angry all the time is very unprofessional. How do you expect to gain that promotion and make a good impression when you are angry often? Realizing the need to be positive and professional is a way to anger management in the workplace.

7. Give InLearn to give in and be concerned for others. When someone is genuinely concerned for others, it lessens the triggers to be angry. When you care for others you will also realize the effects of your temper on your colleagues. Give time, effort and energy to help someone.
Refrain from harsh words, divisive words, lies and gossips. These feed negative energy into your already angry self. When you stop all these, anger management in the workplace becomes easier.

8. Don’t Beat Yourself Over ItAnger management in the workplace isn’t easy. But with practice you will be calmer. When you do not succeed initially, continue to practice. Do not beat yourself over it even with all the reminders and recognizing the triggers. Remind yourself that you will do better the next time . Reflect on what and how can you do better the next time.

How to Control Your Emotions in the Office

Fr: Career-success

As a newbie in the office, you may not know how to control your emotions when you are stressed. Emotions in this context refers to extreme emotional responses such as excessive expression of anger. So, how to control your emotions effectively?

1. Make A Decision That Control Is PossibleAll behavioral changes start from one thing. The decision, acceptance and commitment in your mind that you want to make that change. In this case, self-control is possible albeit a long and gradual process. Only you can make the decision on how to control your emotions.

Remember that YOU hold the key to your own success as your behavior can threaten your career success. The idea is that you want to avoid extreme emotional responses for example in the case of anger – rage and hate.

2. Identify The Emotions You Need To ControlChances are you already know which emotions you need to control. The first step is to identify which emotion. Based on personal experience and observation in the office, these are the few I can identify – anger, anxiety, fear and enthusiasm.

You may say, “Wait a minute, isn’t enthusiasm a good emotion? Why should we control it?” Well, remember that we are talking about excessive expression of that emotion. Ever met a colleague who shows too much enthusiasm on a particular project that it just gets in the way of other team members?

3. Get Rid Of The Stupid ExcusesWe often hear colleagues acknowledging that they have a certain problem but that there is no point in changing their behavior. These people like to admit their mistakes expecting you to excuse them but at the same time you are to accept that they won’t make an effort to change.

It is crucial to get rid of the stupid excuses that make you think you don't have to control your emotions. In this case again, we are referring to excessive expression of emotions in the office.
If you truly want to know how to control your emotions, then take a step to get rid of these commonly used excuses:
"I am being true to myself, why should I change?”“I am young - I can afford to be foolish.”“Well, if they are good colleagues/friends, they just have to accept me for who I am.”

4. Positive Change Should And Can Happen

When I hear these excuses, it always makes me wonder if these people know who their true self is? Is the ‘true self’ static? Aren’t our beliefs, attitudes and actions constantly changing? If that is so, then why can’t one choose to change for the better?

Remember this, if you want to know how to control your emotions, positive change should happen. Self-improvement has nothing to do with ‘true self’, age – young or old; and friends and colleagues accepting who you are. Self-growth has everything to do with you and not others.
Positive change should and can happen once you think about the career success it can bring.

5. Understand The Hot ButtonsWhat are the situations that push these emotions? Is it stress or lack of time management skills? Is it the tone and manner, which someone used to communicate to you? For example, there must be something that caused the excessive expression of anxiety. Does it happen before a major presentation? Once you understand these then you can begin to address them.

6. Simplest Exercise I Have Used SuccessfullyThis exercise is one that I feel you can implement almost instantly to control your emotions. Ask yourself these questions and take these steps whenever you feel your emotions getting out of control.
Can I do something about it?

If it is a yes, what can I do about it? Then implement a game plan to tackle the ‘problem’.

If I cannot do anything about it, then why should I (be angry/be anxious/fear)?
Majority of the time, you will find that there are things that you can do, and once you start addressing even a simple plan you will see the emotion subsides. The tendency to over express that emotion is thus minimized.

This technique on how to control your emotions is used successfully by myself. Act upon your decision today and see that gradual change.

Work Attitude: Pick A Simple One and Start Working On It

Fr: Career-Success

You often hear that your work attitude determines how high you can climb the corporate ladder. But at a junior level that you are now, what are some of the attitudes you can work on? There is so much advice you hear you are confused. One good advice I have gotten before is to start picking one work attitude and start working on it before moving to the next one.

Working attitude is one of those topics that are easy to talk about, tough to do but simple in nature. Confused yet? Here’s what I mean – the concept is simple but doing is hard. Yet, those who have made the resolve to start working on improving their attitude often meets with success. Of course, remember to throw in patience as a key ingredient.

Courtesy- Be courteous. You won’t believe the number of people who forget this basic attitude. Basic courtesy with words like “Please” and “Thank You” are vital in the work place. Good manners at work are good working attitude. Do not hide behind excuses like you are too stressed at work that you forget those words.

Humility- Be humble when conducting yourself in the office. This is an often-overlooked attitude that can bring you far in the corporate world. Be courteously respectful of people in the office no matter what their rank and designation.
Do be cautious about fake humility when improving on this attitude. There are people who fake humility in order to draw attention to themselves. Sincerity is an important aspect of humility. Be sincere when you are trying to improve this attitude.

Professional- Being professional is a whole topic on its own. But for career newbies, be very conscious you need to have a professional working attitude. For starters, dressing correctly is part of a professional work attitude. Do not carry the casual dress code to the limits. Most workplaces have a clearly defined dress code.

Punctuality- Make it a habit to be punctual for all appointments. Whether it is a meeting, a business lunch or handing up an assignment that has been given to you, make sure it is on time. Procrastination is a very bad attitude that can limit your career move.
If procrastination is the attitude you have, quickly work on changing it now. As someone who had this problem in my junior days at work, it took me huge efforts to make positive changes. But it CAN be done. So, start doing it now!

Pleasant- For most people, this is probably the easiest to improve. But I caution you, most people will feel they are very pleasant to work with; hence there is no need for improvement. Ask for frank feedback from your co-workers or discuss this with your supervisor. If you receive less than positive feedback then it is time to get started on being pleasant to work with.
There are a few things you can do to improve this work attitude. Smiling is one. Smile often even when the going gets tough. I know it is difficult. Try getting into the habit of smiling even when stressed. You will soon notice there is less knotted facial muscle and people will work better with you.

Of course, there are countless work attitudes that you can choose to improve. Choose one work attitude you feel easiest to tackle. This is especially important if you find there are just too many things you need to concentrate on as a career newbie.

Positive Attitude in The Workplace For Newbies Seeking Career Success

Fr: Career-success

Your positive attitude in the workplace determines how far you can go in your career. Have you thought about what are some of your positive attitudes in the workplace? Spend some time thinking about your work attitude if you are a newbie seeking career success.

Throughout my career I have had the privilege to work under some of the best people in my industry. Coupled with the numerous self-improvement books I read, one day I found myself asking, “How would I define my attitude in the workplace that will propel my career success?”

Specifically, what would be my positive attitudes at work?
I nailed them down into 3 words that would be my positive attitudes in the workplace. These were Pride, Passion and Belief.

However, as the years went by I realized that they are only part of the equation. To balance these attitudes there were another side. I was still a newbie seeking career success when I held these to be my guiding principles.

The other side of the equation was Skills/Knowledge, Direction and Action. These together with Pride, Passion and Belief became what I practiced as my positive attitude in the workplace. I believe these to be relevant for newbie seeking career success now, too. It is relevant to be used as anyone’s work attitude for positive results.

1. Pride and Skills/KnowledgePride in my personal definition as a positive attitude in the workplace is taken to mean self-dignity. It means the realization that everything you do has your personal signature on it. When you realize this, you give everything assigned to you your best shot.

However, there is a danger here. That danger is excessive pride without the necessary skills and knowledge is arrogance.

So, Pride – Skills/Knowledge = Arrogance

This equation of positive attitude in the workplace has to go hand in hand. It has to be in good balance. What about doing your work with just skills and knowledge and with no pride? Well, you end up with mediocre work. You get it right but it wouldn’t be the best. Is this your attitude in the workplace?

Hence, Skills/Knowledge – Pride = Mediocre Work

When you add this set of positive attitudes in the workplace together, pride and skills/knowledge – what do you get?

Pride + Skills/Knowledge = The Best Work Each Time

2. Passion and DirectionPassion as a positive attitude in the workplace is the burning desire and love for the work that you do, which will pull you through the tough times. It is an intense enthusiasm that all things worth doing are worth doing well.

However, like the previous set of positive attitudes in the workplace it needs to be balanced by another factor - Direction. Your enthusiasm and burning desire must be harnessed to focus on the objectives at hand for it to show positive results. Passion without direction would just mean wasted energy.

Passion – Direction = Wasted Energy

What about Direction without Passion? Well, what if you know where you want to go but do not have the fuel for it? It just means success takes longer to achieve, if ever.

Direction – Passion = Success Takes Far Longer, If Ever

When you add direction and passion as positive attitude in the workplace you get goals galore!
Passion + Direction = Goals Galore

3. Belief and ActionMy last equation of positive attitude in the workplace involves belief and action. The more your personal belief is aligned to the organization you are attached to the better your chances for career success. A deep believe in yourself will create the vigor and force that fuels your journey of seeking career success.

This belief must be balanced with action. Action means making your plans work. It means doing. Working. A believe that is not backed by a plan of action is just fantasies.

Belief – Action = Fantasies

What if you work your plans without a belief? Anyone without believe in themselves and their dreams but continue to work their plans is a fool at work.

Action – Belief = Fool at Work

When you are able to synergize believe and action into one, your dreams come true!

Belief + Action = Dreams Come True

Positive Attitude in the WorkplaceWhen you are able to harness the equation these 3 sets of positive attitude in the workplace into one – reaching for the star becomes a reality. In fact, as a newbie seeking career success – when you internalize this positive attitude in the workplace into your work attitude YOU ARE A STAR!

Work Attitude Behavior and Work Behavior Attitude – Are They The Same?

from: career-success

In the course of my experience, there has been many staff that walked through my door to ask for feedback on their work attitude behavior. Some of them will use the term – work behavior attitude. It occurred to me that they use these terms interchangeably. But generally refer to the same thing - their attitude and behavior at work.

But are they the same? Why is it important to know the difference? Personally, these two concepts – work attitude and work behavior – are different to me.

Before I describe the difference, I will continue to use the commonly used terms.

1. Work Attitude BehaviorAttitude to me refers to the ‘feel’ part of your work. It relates to how you feel about your work and your approach towards work. Hence, work attitude behavior is intangible. You cannot see it. Your colleagues cannot see it. But people can feel it. People whom you work with can feel your work attitude behavior.
They can feel it if you carry out your tasks with pride. They can feel whether you belief in your work or not. They know if you have passion in your work. These positive attitudes at work are a ‘subconscious’ transfer of feelings.
Which is why I always advice the more junior staff that it is important to cultivate a positive attitude at work from early on in their career. It is something that is from within and it takes time to cultivate.

2. Work Behavior AttitudeBehavior to me refers to the ‘do’ part of your work. It relates to how you do your work and how you get your work done. Work behavior attitude can be seen. It is the actual work. You can see the result of your work behavior attitude be it a report or a finished good. Your colleagues can see it. It is the action.
They can see if you worked hard. They can see if you do your work with skills and applied the knowledge you know into the work. They can see for themselves if you are the "all talk and no work" type. Work behavior attitude is the real thing. You cannot fool people into believing that your work behavior attitude is good when it is not.
It is equally important to have a great work behavior attitude, as it is to have a great work attitude behavior at work.

3. Let’s Break It UpLet’s break up these two terms. Work attitude is the ‘feel’ part of your work. It usually is a ‘subconscious’ transfer of feelings about your approach to work. Do you do things with pride, passion and belief? People can feel this. So, from now on, let’s just refer to work attitude behavior as work attitude.

On the other hand, work behavior attitude refers to the ‘do’ part of your work. It is the tangible part of your work. It is the action. How you do your tasks. Are you hard working at work? Do you apply your skills and knowledge or do you do it lazily. All these can be seen. To keep it simple, let’s use work behavior from now on when referring to work behavior attitude.

4. Why is it Important to Know the Difference?In my experience, a positive work attitude does not necessarily lead to a positive work behavior. Neither does a positive work behavior indicate positive work attitude.

Let me illustrate by asking you to do this. Have you ever come across colleagues who are extremely positive about a certain project? They can talk all day about what can be done and should be done. They speak with pride and they truly believe in the work. But when it comes to the real deal, you see that they do not work hard at completing their end of the bargain. Yet others work very hard at their tasks but lack the passion they inject into the work. These work are done but is far from perfection.

When you know the difference between work attitude and work behavior, you can begin to align the both of them. Once you align both your work attitude and work behavior to be the same, you will increase your chances of succeeding in your career as a newbie by many folds.

9 signs of a losing organization

fr: 1000advices.com


1. Fuzzy Vision: corporate vision and mission don't inspire people; lack of strategic alignment; people don't know where the organization is going and what it is trying to achieve in the future.

2. Lack of Leadership Skills: fear of change; leaders lack entrepreneurial spirit; leadership style on the part of management is either too directive or too hands-off; managers do not lead, they just administrate and micromanage; weak leadership development program.

3. Discouraging Culture: no shared values; lack of trust; blame culture; focus on problems, not opportunities; people don't have fun at work; diversity is not celebrated; failures are not tolerated; people lose confidence in their leaders and systems.

4. High Bureaucracy: bureaucratic organizational structures with too many layers; high boundaries between management layers; slow decision making; too close monitoring of things and subordinates; too many tools and documents discouraging creative thinking; bureaucracy is tolerated.

5. Lack of Initiative: poor motivation and encouragement; people do not feel their contributions make a difference; management fails to engage the organization effectively; people work defensively and not creatively, they do their job, and nothing more.

6. Poor Vertical Communication: people have no clue of the big picture and do not feel that their contributions are important; too much uncertainty; people don't know what top-managers are thinking and planning.

7. Poor Cross-functional Collaboration: functional mindset; lack of cross-functional goals and cross-functional collaboration spirit; functional, no enterprise-wide business process management; no cross-functional management committees; lack of or powerless cross-functional teams.

8. Poor Teamwork: no organizational commitment to team culture; lack of shared and worthwhile goals; weak team leaders; team members who don't want to play as part of a team are tolerated; teams are too large; lack of shared rewards.

9. Poor Idea and Knowledge Management: cross-pollination of ideas is not facilitated; no idea management and knowledge management strategies and systems; "know-it-all" attitude; "not invented here" syndrome.

5 Ways to Get Back to Passion and Connection in your Relationship or Life

by Susie and Otto Collins
1. "Spontaneity is definitely a key. But ultimately,what I've found most effective is letting a manknow you're into him when he least expects it...a note telling him you're waiting for him in hiscar, in the medicine cabinet, or even a couponoffering love at his leisure is enticing"

2. "Besides the hot oil rubs & spaghetti strapnighties one thinks creates excitement, what hasbeen exhilarating for us has been quirkiness &unexpectedness. For example, for my husband'sbirthday, I bought him an expensive GPS for histruck."He had yearned for one for those off roadhunting excursions. On the morning of hisbirthday, I wrapped several 'hints' pertainingto the GPS (toy Mattel truck, doll 'Ken' incamouflage gear, teeny road map, etc) & hidthem in the shower, his truck, etc. with the infothat if he could guess what the hints relatedto, he could have the BIG gift--otherwise, he'dhave to wait til after work."The fun we had as he went on his scavengerhunt, then giggling as he guessed what possiblythese silly toys could be about, was fun. it spikedmy husband's need for creativity, unpredictability& something other than routine."He had to wait til after work to get the 'full monty'but he called several times from work with evenmore guesses & begging me to tell him what thegift was!!! that day is imbedded in our memory!"

3. "Never take your partner for granted, and thinkyou know how they are going to react. If youhonour them and treat them as if you have justmet, and are going through that courting stage,those 'fireworks' will still fly!"

4. "We'll be married for 20 years in just threemonths. My husband and I keep the passion inour relationship alive by still kissing hello, goodbye,good morning. We kiss a lot, and not just pecks.We still have juicy make-out sessions like we didwhen we first dated."Of course, our kids think this is gross, but webelieve that we are setting a good example byshowing them how fulfilling marriage can be. Itindicates that we truly like each other. It alsoallows us to give 'special time' to our relationshipand to each other. Let's face it, we are all happierwhen we feel loved!"
5. "Love is the secret to keeping our relationshiphot, juicy, and exciting. When my husband and Ilook into one another's eyes, there is such a deep,profound connection that we have come to dependupon it and crave it."Our physical intimacy is sometimes planned andsometimes spontaneous. It can be fun and playfulor intense and romantic; but no matter how wechoose to intertwine, our souls are always fullypresent and connected."Even when we are smiling, giggling, and beingcreative or adventurous, our eyes are saying, 'I loveyou unconditionally. You are my true love.' I needonly glance at his eyes and they are always there -open to me - seeking out my glance, so that theycan connect and we can feel the love flow betweenus."Over the years, we have come to know that connectionwill always be there for us. Our physical intimacy hasactually expanded and become more frequent as ourtrust has deepened. When love-making is so wonderful,you naturally want more - not less."We are both well beyond our 'peaks' sexually and yetwe are more insatiable now than either of us has everbeen. Our love-making has always been good, butover the past 5 years it has gone completely off thecharts."We often say, 'Who knew?' because we honestlydidn't know that it could be so wonderful. We didn'tknow our desire could grow so far beyond our initialphysical attraction. Now, we do and I'm not even surewhether I can convey in words what we have grownto know."So, I guess my advice is to find a way to love yourspouse unconditionally or find a spouse you can loveunconditionally, so that you can know what it feels liketo crave and frequently visit the place your soul mostdesires."Once you have found it, neither of you will ever beable (or willing) to harden against the other again. Therisk is simply too great. Love is as wonderful andpowerful and eternal as we have all hoped. The secretlies in being committed enough to wait for it...and boldenough to grab it with both hands when it finds you."

3 tips to help you to open so that the two of you can begin to come to a resolution

by Susie and Otto Collins

1. Own your stories-What is it you are telling yourselfabout this situation? Are you holding on to being right?Take a moment and listen in on what you are saying toyourself about this situation. Ask yourself what it wouldmean to get your way or if you didn't get your way. What areyou telling yourself being right or getting your way willprove?

2. Remember that you love or even like this person-What isyour desire with this relationship? If it's connection andlove, then bring your thoughts back to why you love thisperson, even though you may both be at odds at the moment.Remember that you aren't always at odds (even though you maythink you are at the moment) and bring your mind and heartback to times when you were on the same page.

3. Share and listen with love-What is it that you want toshare from your heart? Be curious about what you want andalso what the other wants. Know that you both have choiceand listen and share from that feeling of wide openness.

Making Conscious Agreements

by Susie and Otto Collins

Here are some ideas...
1. Recognize that you need an agreement andthat it would be helpful for your relationship tohave one.

2. Ask for ideas from the other person and listenfrom the standpoint that it's only information. Don'tclose down because the person may havedifferent thoughts than you have.

3. Give your ideas with the intention that theseare just your ideas and something better maysurface as the two of you talk.

4. Look for where you agree and start there ifyou can't seem to get on the same page abouteverything.

5. It's helpful to have a time frame identified ifit's something that is time-sensitive.

6. Make sure that you both want to do whatyou are agreeing to and that your agreementis clear.

The Independence vs. Dependence Juggling Act In Relationships

by Susie and Otto Collins
In the USA, it's the week of the 4th of July and that means independence day celebrations, complete with fireworks, cook-outs and get-togethers with friends and family. It's usually lots of fun and we're looking forward to attending "Red, White and Boom" which is describedas one of the biggest fireworks shows in this part of the United States.

As we were thinking about the Independence Day holiday and what we were going to do to celebrate, we couldn't help but think about independence as it relates to our relationships. Very often, there is a issue around the desire for independence (or dependence) that happens in almost every relationship or marriage that can create some real challenges for you. It's what we call the juggling act of independence vs. dependence and here's what we mean by this...

In relationships of all kinds, the idea of freedom,independence and inter-dependence (or lackthereof) can be one of the stickiest issues thatpeople and couples have to deal with.Since we're all so different, each of us has a greateror lesser desire (and need) for freedom andindependence--and that's where the "rub" comesin.If you're "too" independent in relationships, there'slittle or no connection--no matter what kind ofrelationship it is. There may be great love but theother person can feel like something is missing inthe relationship and that he/she is being held atarm's length.If you're "too" dependent (and needy), the otherperson can feel smothered and search for everyopportunity to have some freedom.

We see this dynamic a lot in couples who strugglewith jealousy but it can happen from time to timein any relationship no matter how long you've been together.

Take Carly and Tom--Tom finds that he is jealous of the time that Carlyspends with their three adult kids, and the timeshe's away from home doing various activities.Carly is fed up with Tom's jealousy and wantsthings to change.Of course there are many reasons why theirrelationship is strained but one of the mostimportant is that they aren't in sync with theirdesires for freedom and inter-dependence--and they don't know how to communicate aboutit.The bottom line is that Tom is more dependant on Carly's companionship than she is of his. And she has become more independent as the years have gone by. They also aren't clear or sure about how to reconnect deeper in their relationship with everything that's going on.You may be like Carly and Tom and be wondering about things like...

How do you cope with varying desires forfreedom and inter-dependence--while stillcreating a close, connected, open, lovingrelationship?How do you balance and honor a need forindependence as well as keep a strongconnection?How do you talk about this sticky issue?

Here are some of our ideas about how to deal with questions about independence, interdependence and connection in relationships...

1. Listen to yourself and know what you wantWe know that we sound like a broken recordbut in order to connect with another person,you have to learn to connect with yourself.Don't bury your feelings, thinking that youare being "kind" in acting in a certain waythat you think the other person wants orneeds--or you shouldn't feel that way.Not necessarily true.You can't assume that you know best forthe other person. You can only listen towhat's inside you and then let the otherperson know in a way that keeps bothof you open.In our example, Tom really wants toconnect more with his wife--just thetwo of them doing something togetherevery once in awhile. When Carly tunesinto herself, she wants peace and also wants the freedom to do what she wants to do.
2. Listen to what the other person wants with an open heart and stay in the presentmomentListening with an open heart means notassuming and jumping to conclusions. Italso means staying in the "here and now,"without leaping to the future or stayingstuck in the past.All kinds of fears and triggers can comeup when you tackle these independence/inter-dependence issues.One of the best ways to stay in the presentmoment when you're listening is to rememberwhat it is that you love about this person--and that you want to find out more abouthim or her.Our wants and desires change throughoutthe years so it's very important to learn howto listen without putting your two cents inand not allowing yourself to get triggeredby what is said.Sound impossible?Not always easy but just start practicingand see how you get better at it!

3. Express what you want in a way that opens the door between the two of you and isn't defensive, controlling or demanding.When you adopt a defensive or "pushy" manner when you are expressing what you want, the other person usually energetically "steps back" and can shut down any connection or line of communication--or can lash out at you.Be aware of your energy as you expressyourself. If you're unclear how you "come off"to others, ask a trusted friend for some honestfeedback.Become aware of your tone of voice, your non-verbalmannerisms and your words. You may be surprisedat the feedback that you get when you ask.Tom can let Carly know how much he loves herand wants a deeper connection with her. He canalso suggest that they create a special time eachweek to do something together even if it's just towatch a movie on the couch without interruption.Carly can let Tom know that she loves beingwith their kids and her activities and she cansearch inside herself whether spending specialtime each week with him would be somethingthat she wants to make a priority in her lifeor not--and then tell him.If she doesn't want to spend that time with him,they need to take a serious look at their marriage.He can also work on ways to stop his jealousybecause it interferes with their connection.

If Tom and Carly are going to continue to be together and create a closer and moreconnected relationship (whatever that means to them) -- they are going to have to figure out how to solve these issues that are created by their differing wants, needs and desires about independence and interdependence.

Love is all about respecting and honoring eachother--and that includes honoring and understanding each other's needs for independence and inter-dependence.Most people have never put any thought intothe question of how much independence orinterdependence they or their partner needs to feel safe, secure, happy and connected to their partner and vise-versa.

This idea can create some challenges for you in your relationships. We've also found that this push/pull dynamic can even be the "juice" that keeps your relationship alive and growing--if you keep the lines of communication wide open and you're clear about what you want and what you need. As with a lot of things we talk about, this requires a good deal of soul-searching, introspection and getting clear about what you want, as well as the commitment and willingness to share these thoughts, issues and info with your partner.

How to Avoid the Three T-Traps in Your Marriage

by Mark Rogers

Part of what you inherit from your parents, whether you like it or not, are three T’s that can be terrible traps for your marriage. The three T’s are "settings" or "temperaments" that feel like they are hard-wired into you, but they aren’t. They feel so natural to you that you don’t experience them as being conscious choices at all, but they are.
Why are they traps?
They can make your marriage miserable, when no one is doing a single thing wrong. There’s no attack, no conflict, no misbehavior, no miscommunication. There’s just a mismatch of expectation, at a level that’s almost pre-verbal. They are traps that are as easy as quicksand to fall into, and just as difficult to extract yourself from.
So how do you get out of quicksand? The best way is not to fall in! If you know where these traps are, you can avoid them by taking a different path in your behavior. But it will take some work and understanding.

T-Trap #1: Temperature
Where is the thermostat supposed to be set?
The "thermostat" referred to here is not the one on the wall or in the car, though you certainly can have plenty of conflict about such things.
The "thermostat" that is the Temperature Trap is the expectation about how much passionate intensity is supposed to be fostered by the relationship. Do you like to have conversations that take you on an emotional ride? You like your thermostat set high. Would you prefer to have your interactions be calm, "cool" and collected? You like your thermostat set low.
Nearly always, couples are attracted to someone whose emotional thermostat is set differently from their own. That difference is persistent, pervasive, and produces conflicts about nearly everything, since how you talk about things – coolly or with drama – influences how you talk about most anything that matters to you!

T-Trap #2: Timing
How fast are you supposed to go?
"Fast" can mean how quickly couples talk, walk, respond to their name being called, finish a story or give directions, or a hundred other interactions that are common to couples.
You can define your "speed" of talking by how many words you can utter in a minute, but you can also define it as how long a pause you take after someone else finishes speaking before you respond. "Fast" talkers may respond in a tenth of a second, while "slow" talkers may take as long as three or four seconds before speaking. This rate has more to do with the part of the country you were raised in than anything else, and it can be changed only with concentrated effort.
How quickly you walk from one place to another is both cultural and familial. How closely you match your mate’s pace, versus expecting your mate to match yours, can feel like a monumental power struggle.
How soon you finish a story that you start can dramatically affect how patient your listener is at the end. And who is to say how long a story is supposed to take?
Pace or speed of interaction is both temperamental, cultural, and familial, but a mismatch between couples in pacing will lead to many incidences of frustrated waiting or resentment at being hurried during the years of a marriage.

T-Trap #3: Teasing
Some families express affection by teasing. Some express resentment by satire, and some camouflage their anger in ridicule. It can be hard to know which message to respond to when you didn’t grow up in the family, as no one’s mate ever did.
If you learned early in your family life that a thick skin allows for lots of good-hearted but aggressive engagement, you can feel right at home in a rough-and-tumble exchange of verbal blows.
But if decorum or diplomacy characterized all communications you heard as a child, then the tactlessness of teasing can not only grate, it can even wound, and perhaps deeply. And knowing when you can tease and when you shouldn’t may require the utmost in diplomacy.
Knowing just how much teasing, irony, satire or ridicule to include in your affection may take years of fine-tuned acclimation to a family dynamic. Some jokes may be just fine, because they aren’t personally relevant, while others might be offensive because they bump into hidden sensitivities. Some nicknames can be fraught with affection, while others feel loaded with what gets interpreted as abuse. Unless you grew up in the family, you might not know which ones qualify under which category.

Avoiding the T-Traps
Make sure to have explicit conversations about these three dimensions. You can work through these things, but only by talking them through.
Recognize that your way isn’t "‘right," just more natural to you. Be willing to compromise.
Don’t defend your family culture. Instead, aim for what you both want to be the culture of your couple relationship. Make sure you can live with the agreement, but aim for agreement rather than winning.
Accept that your mate won’t be able to change their "settings" on these T’s esily. (Neither will you, in all likelihood.) Expect to have long learning curves and extended adjustment periods.

How to Avoid the Three T-Traps in Your Marriage

by Mark Rogers

Part of what you inherit from your parents, whether you like it or not, are three T’s that can be terrible traps for your marriage. The three T’s are "settings" or "temperaments" that feel like they are hard-wired into you, but they aren’t. They feel so natural to you that you don’t experience them as being conscious choices at all, but they are.
Why are they traps?
They can make your marriage miserable, when no one is doing a single thing wrong. There’s no attack, no conflict, no misbehavior, no miscommunication. There’s just a mismatch of expectation, at a level that’s almost pre-verbal. They are traps that are as easy as quicksand to fall into, and just as difficult to extract yourself from.
So how do you get out of quicksand? The best way is not to fall in! If you know where these traps are, you can avoid them by taking a different path in your behavior. But it will take some work and understanding.

T-Trap #1: Temperature
Where is the thermostat supposed to be set?
The "thermostat" referred to here is not the one on the wall or in the car, though you certainly can have plenty of conflict about such things.
The "thermostat" that is the Temperature Trap is the expectation about how much passionate intensity is supposed to be fostered by the relationship. Do you like to have conversations that take you on an emotional ride? You like your thermostat set high. Would you prefer to have your interactions be calm, "cool" and collected? You like your thermostat set low.
Nearly always, couples are attracted to someone whose emotional thermostat is set differently from their own. That difference is persistent, pervasive, and produces conflicts about nearly everything, since how you talk about things – coolly or with drama – influences how you talk about most anything that matters to you!

T-Trap #2: Timing
How fast are you supposed to go?
"Fast" can mean how quickly couples talk, walk, respond to their name being called, finish a story or give directions, or a hundred other interactions that are common to couples.
You can define your "speed" of talking by how many words you can utter in a minute, but you can also define it as how long a pause you take after someone else finishes speaking before you respond. "Fast" talkers may respond in a tenth of a second, while "slow" talkers may take as long as three or four seconds before speaking. This rate has more to do with the part of the country you were raised in than anything else, and it can be changed only with concentrated effort.
How quickly you walk from one place to another is both cultural and familial. How closely you match your mate’s pace, versus expecting your mate to match yours, can feel like a monumental power struggle.
How soon you finish a story that you start can dramatically affect how patient your listener is at the end. And who is to say how long a story is supposed to take?
Pace or speed of interaction is both temperamental, cultural, and familial, but a mismatch between couples in pacing will lead to many incidences of frustrated waiting or resentment at being hurried during the years of a marriage.

T-Trap #3: Teasing
Some families express affection by teasing. Some express resentment by satire, and some camouflage their anger in ridicule. It can be hard to know which message to respond to when you didn’t grow up in the family, as no one’s mate ever did.
If you learned early in your family life that a thick skin allows for lots of good-hearted but aggressive engagement, you can feel right at home in a rough-and-tumble exchange of verbal blows.
But if decorum or diplomacy characterized all communications you heard as a child, then the tactlessness of teasing can not only grate, it can even wound, and perhaps deeply. And knowing when you can tease and when you shouldn’t may require the utmost in diplomacy.
Knowing just how much teasing, irony, satire or ridicule to include in your affection may take years of fine-tuned acclimation to a family dynamic. Some jokes may be just fine, because they aren’t personally relevant, while others might be offensive because they bump into hidden sensitivities. Some nicknames can be fraught with affection, while others feel loaded with what gets interpreted as abuse. Unless you grew up in the family, you might not know which ones qualify under which category.

Avoiding the T-Traps
Make sure to have explicit conversations about these three dimensions. You can work through these things, but only by talking them through.
Recognize that your way isn’t "‘right," just more natural to you. Be willing to compromise.
Don’t defend your family culture. Instead, aim for what you both want to be the culture of your couple relationship. Make sure you can live with the agreement, but aim for agreement rather than winning.
Accept that your mate won’t be able to change their "settings" on these T’s esily. (Neither will you, in all likelihood.) Expect to have long learning curves and extended adjustment periods.

Simple Things Matter In Love And Relationships

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

Twenty-five years of research on successful love and marriage has taught us many things, but first and foremost – no love has blossomed or been sustained without doing the “simple things.” Big things don’t matter until your relationship has mastered the art of doing the simple things day in and day out in your relationship with another human being whom you purport to love.All too often in life, people make assumptions about love and relationships that do not stand up under scrutiny – that are not supported by the available evidence. So, what are the facts?

One of the great misconceptions of all time about love and relationships is this – just do the “big” things and everything will turn out well. And what do the Big Things include? For starters the list includes “having financial stability in your relationship,” “being in love is all that matters,” “having a good job and a house in the suburbs,” and so it goes. But the truth is, these “Big Things” are important, but they are only a by-product of “doing the simple things.” Here’s what we mean.

It is an established fact – successful love is based on an accumulation of the “simple things.” If you want your marriage and your relationship to succeed, just do the simple things! Do them day in and day out. When your relationship has mastered the “simple things” you have a chance to make it work. You have a chance to make it last. But if you don’t, well, failure is an option.

There is another important fact of life when it comes to love and relationships – there will be big challenges to address in your relationships, of that you can be sure. You might have to deal with financial setbacks, serious illness, the loss of a job, or the death of a loved one. And trust us on this – if your relationship with the one you love has mastered the art of doing the simple things day in and day out, the likelihood of your relationship making it through the tough times are multiplied many times over.
So what are these simple things? Here are a few: always showing respect for the one you love; saying I love you many times a day; engaging in simple acts of kindness (breakfast in bed, flowers on non-special occasions; opening doors for them, etc.); giving your lover lots of daily hugs; treating them with courtesy at all times; helping clean up the dinner table; sharing financial decisions with them, and the list goes on. Read more about the multitude of simple things that matter in our new book, Simple Things Matter In Love and Marriage, due out in August.The point is, simple things matter and when you practice doing them, they accumulate. Simple acts add up. And always remember, you can’t keep turning on then turning off doing the simple things. You have to consistently engage in doing the simple things day in and day out. When you do, you will be surprised at how well this simple notion works. Start engaging in them today.Love well!

Getting Back To Passion and Connection in your Relationship or Life

by Susie and Otto Collins
Since it's approaching the time that schools starta new year in the USA, it's certainly a reminderto all of us to "get back" to what's important inour lives.Although we might become even busier as weapproach the fall season, we can make consciouschoices now to create more passion and connection in our lives and relationships.With this in mind, here are 5 powerful ways to increase passion, love, and connection that havebeen sent in by readers like you. We invite you to try them out in your life!

1. "We try to have a positive attitude about everydaylife and make each other smile or laugh! We laughat the silliest things! We go to bed about the sametime every night and snuggle and we say ourprayers together while holding one another. It is avery warm and touching experience."

2. "My boyfriend and I love to try to do not just 'fun'things together, but 'childlike fun' things togetherto refresh our relationship. Childhood is usually aunique time when a feeling of passionate playcomes into enjoyable activities."My boyfriend and I try to tap into that 'passionateplayful' feeling by doing things we loved to do askids, but do not usually think of doing as adults."We feel a playful freedom going to Disney Worldtogether, (without any kids with us), and other themeparks, or water parks. We recently tried roller skating,and ice skating again after almost 20 years."And how often now do you find yourself dancingin the privacy of your own home as adults? It isprobably something most of us did as kids in ourlocked bedroom. I try to put on music as much aspossible instead of television (at first very much against my boyfriends wishes) and take his hands and dance for a little bit here and there while one of us prepares dinner. We always end up smiling."

3. The best way I have found to show my husbandI care is by taking packaged snacks and using punsfrom the names to tell him I care. Baby Ruth " Baby,you are the best." ; Planter's nuts " I'm nuts aboutyou." etc. It keeps things interesting, cheerful, andfun while he knows I am thinking about him.

4. "...There is one thing my partner can do that willkeep me forever in love with him. And that is tounderstand and accept that I am his partner butstill an individual with thoughts, feelings, ideas andviews that might be different from his. He allowsme freedom to be my own person, not just anextension of him because we are partners."

5. "In my relationship, I think one of the keys to itis always make time for one another.Even if youonly have 5 mins, let the other person know howmuch you care about them."Always say I love you. Plus always keep opencommunication with your partner. Be a good listenerand tell them what you are hearing from what theyhave to say. Make sure you both understand thesame way."Be romantic on the spur of the moment. Go for awalk together. Read together. Do fun things. Haveone night set aside for a date night with each other.Go away for a romantic weekend. Make breakfastand serve it in bed."