The Top 5 Reasons Why Second Marriages Fail

By Larry Bilotta

Mar 3, 2006

Do you REALLY know what you're in for when you enter a second marriage? Most people don't. Common sense might tell us that second marriages have a higher success rate because we've made our mistakes and moved on…but unfortunately, this is just not the case.

You're about to discover the top 5 reasons why second marriages fail. Take this opportunity to learn from others' mistakes to make certain your second marriage is the best one yet.

1. PART 1: Let the Tug of War Begin (Please substitute male/female where appropriate.)

The competition begins when a woman enters her second marriage, but her new husband is confused about his role in the marriage in relation to her children. He wants his new wife to make HIM the priority and the children want their mom to make THEM the priority.

This “tug of war” creates contempt and resentment leaving the woman in the middle feeling like she has to “choose a side”. This is one of the biggest factors that puts strain on a second marriage. But the sad fact is; this is only HALF the battle in the “tug of war” that leads to a second divorce…2. PART 2: War of the Wives

2. PART 2: War of the Wives

The next part of the “tug of war” is when one spouse tries to get more of her ex husband's money. Since she resents her ex, she feels she's entitled to his money because of “what he put her through”.At the other end of the 'rope' is this man's current wife. She doesn't feel the other woman deserves any of his money because he has a new life now…with a new wife. She feels that the court-ordered money is more than enough and the ex wife is now being greedy.

3. The Quest for Mr. / Mrs. Right

This is another big reason why second marriages fail. Going into a second marriage without realizing why the first one failed is like NASA building a new rocket before finding out why the last one exploded. Instead of focusing on what REALLY went wrong in their last marriage, people often place blame solely on their ex husband or wife. They end up believing that the key to a happy marriage is simply finding the right partner.

If you've thought this way before, I've got news for you….there is no “right partner.” There never will be. The “key” is finding someone who has values similar to yours. And you won't know this unless you DISCUSS them with your partner.

Good FEELINGS are NOT proof you've found a good match. Now I don't mean to “burst your bubble”, but if you ONLY get married because of your feelings for each other, you're setting yourself up for failure.

4. Been There, Done That

It's easier to get a divorce in a second marriage because there's no fear of the unknown like there was when you contemplated divorce in your first marriage. People in a second marriage are far LESS willing to forgive and forget their spouse's little imperfections, yet they're MORE willing to call it quits because they've been through divorce before.

But at no point in time do they ever stop and look at themselves and the part that THEY played in the failure of their last marriage- they just move on in their quest for Mr. or Mrs. Right instead of trying to improve their current relationship.

5. Which is it; YOUR Money, MY Money or OUR Money?

Whether you like it or not, MONEY plays a big part in every marriage. But what most money problems really boil down to is…TRUST. When couples get married, they're faced with the question of combined or separate income.

When women are faced with husbands who insist on separate incomes, they feel insecure, but more importantly, they begin to sense distrust. And after all, what she's looking for is financial and emotional security.

So when her husband insists on “your money” and “my money”, she sees it as insinuating that she cannot be trusted with his finances. Since she's not sure whether her husband is out to protect HER or protect himself FROM her, this trust issue will ALWAYS be a strain on the second marriage unless it is openly discussed.

Now that you know the top 5 reasons why second marriages fail you can go into your second marriage completely aware of the pitfalls that blind-side 60% of those who remarry for the second time. The best advice I can give you is get everything out in the open before you make a commitment.

It may not be very 'romantic' to discuss your beliefs and values about issues like money and children, but if you want to make your second marriage your last - it's absolutely CRITICAL you discover any drawbacks that could potentially destroy your new marriage.

How to Recover from a Break Up!

By Debra Berndt, CHt, the Official Guide To Dating

Jul 12, 2007

Most people that arrive at my office for relationship issues have recently gone through a painful breakup. They want to know how to cope with a breakup with their boyfriend, spouse or even just their latest fling. They experience bad breakup depression and wonder if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Currently, the marriage breakup statistics are around 67% so there is an epidemic of relationship problems. Even though breakups can be hard, I hope I can give some advice on how to deal with a breakup that will bring you more peace.The pain you feel when you experience heartache is an old feeling. The painful emotions are not about the other person. What? You say? How could that be? The core foundation of that pain was something you originally felt a long time ago (probably as a child). Humans project their pain onto outer situations and make the experience the cause of the pain. The breakup was only a mirror to a deeper hurt you had felt before in life.

If you feel that you are constantly getting your heart broken by men or women, there could be a pattern in your subconscious that is creating the attraction and the demise of the relationship. The other party has their subconscious baggage as well, and they could have rejected you because of their unhealed issues. Deep feelings of unworthiness or unlovableness, tends to attract people and situations that mirror those beliefs. The only way to change your dating destiny is to change your subconscious programming to feeling more lovable and worthy.

You could say affirmations until you are blue in the face, but they will not penetrate your subconscious. Your inner critic kicks out and rejects new ideas. The easiest way to allow these new beliefs to "sink in" is through self-hypnosis. The relaxed state quiets the critical mind and the subconscious is able to absorb the "good stuff." After 30-60 days, your mind-chatter will change and you will sending out a different attraction vibration to potential mates. Men will seem to come out of everywhere wanting to treat you right.

You have the power inside of you to attract the love you deserve. It doesn’t matter what size you are, your education or your social status, you are unlimited to create the life you want by using the power of your mind. My self-hypnosis programs designed specifically for relationships are an easy and simple way to change your inner mind and transform your outer reality.

I love you but I'm NOT in love with you

By: Mort Fertel

A person who says, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you," is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love!

When a person says, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you," they're saying that I CARE about you but I'm not EXCITED about you.

CARING about someone is a good thing. It's reflective of CONCERN. But it's different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don't love them.

Being EXCITED about someone is also a good thing. But it's different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with the President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn't mean I love them.

While someone who says, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you" seems to be making a distinction between "different loves;" in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that's why they're having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).

Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It's not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it's an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person. And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery!

There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable...you can "make" love.