Learn How to Be Happy

by Julie Fuimano

“He's simply got the instinct for being unhappy highly developed.”
~ Saki, British author (1870 - 1916)

Happiness is not about what you own, who you married, or what you collect. Happiness is feeling good – not having your life look good – and it can only be felt right now, in this moment. It cannot be projected into the future or relived from the past. Interestingly, people don’t necessarily know how to be happy. We are busy. We know how to do stuff and get things done.

Generally, there is a pervasive discontent in society as we struggle to keep up with our own expectations, society’s expectations, and our family’s expectations. And when we cannot meet the unrealistic expectations about who we should be and what we should be doing, we feel bad. Guilt, shame, fear, disappointment, self-doubt even self-loathing erupts in us resulting in constant movement because if we stop, we might have to actually feel these “bad” feelings and that’s too upsetting to consider!

Inevitably, reality hits us, usually with a series of events meant to smack us in the face so we have no other option but to face our reality. These can be an illness, the sudden death of someone you know, a cancer scare, a friend’s affair or divorce, or even turning a certain age. It can be your weight when you step on the scale. Whatever the event, suddenly your world is turned upside down and you can no longer deny that you are not happy living the way you are living.

Interestingly, it may not be what you are doing that’s making you unhappy. You may have a great life. However, how you think about your life and what you are doing may be your difficulty. In other words, your thoughts and your beliefs are what may be causing your angst and your discontent.

Your Emotional Message System
As humans, we are blessed to have such a wonderful emotional system to inform us of things that require our attention. Many of us, however, are completely ill-prepared to handle this system and have not learned how to use it to our benefit. So we fumble about doing the best we can. It’s not like we are born with an instruction manual on how to deal with our emotions. And if we as adults don’t do it well, we will not be able to teach our children how to be emotionally competent.

Mastering your emotions is part of your human experience. The learning starts when you are a child. You learn by watching your parents and how they deal with emotions. You also learn through instruction. What were some of the messages you learned growing up? What response or reaction did you receive when you expressed an emotion? How was anger handled in your home? What about sadness, disappointment, or frustration? How did your family mourn losses? Were people generally happy? Did they know how to enjoy themselves?

Being told, “Don’t cry,” when you were sad has made an impact on you and may have created a belief about how you are supposed to deal with sadness. If your parents screamed at each other all the time, then you learned something about how couples get along. If no one talked to one another for days on end when they were angry, then that has left its mark on you as well. Unearthing your hidden beliefs about emotions and learning to be at choice rather than at the mercy of these old, unhealthy patterns will help you to feel in control about your emotional state.

Emotions are inner messages. They provide you with information which you can use to guide your behavior. Emotions enrich the experience you have while you are in your human form; they permeate every aspect of being human. There are no “bad” emotions. Emotions just are. We judge them as “bad” because we may not like to feel them or we fear them because we don’t have the skills to manage these emotions when they show up.

But people have just as much trouble with the “good” emotions such as happiness and joy as they do with so-called “bad” emotions such as anger, grief, or depression. We find ourselves spending most of our time worrying, full of anxiety, in a state of fear, and full of self-doubt. And because this is what we are used to, we are habituated; it’s more comfortable and familiar than happiness, joy and love. In order for us to change, to learn to be happy, then we must create new habits, habits that support our ability to embrace and experience the “good” emotions.

The Path to Happiness
The path to happiness – to respect, to inner peace, to feeling good about yourself and to being confident – is by honoring yourself and doing the things that make you feel good or comfortable. And when something feels bad, don’t do it. Choose to spend time with people who you enjoy being around. And when someone does something that feels bad, then tell them about it and, if need be, instruct them on what would feel good for you. If they don’t want to oblige and continue to do things that are of no value to you or that hurt you, then instead of trying to get them to change, just stop spending time with that person.

It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? So, why is it so hard?

It’s hard because there are so many things that get in the way of eliminating what feels bad and moving toward what feels good. We get in our own way. Most of the time, our heads get in the way; we do a lot of second guessing and we don’t trust ourselves or our feelings. So we behave in ways that do not reflect what we truly want and, therefore, our results are not what we want. This makes us unhappy and we don’t know how to make it better.

In addition, other people have their own heads and thoughts to contend with. They don’t do or say what they really mean either and we spend a lot of time guessing and making assumptions about what they want from us. It makes communication really, really difficult. And we wonder why there are so many single people and the divorce rate is so high!

At the most basic level, the path to happiness is to identify and eliminate the things that feel bad and identify and include the things that feel good. Each day, you have the opportunity to discover new things that you like and don’t like. Practice by being on the lookout for how you feel. It will take time, but with each choice you make to be happy in that moment, it will become easier and eventually, it will become habit. Then you’ll start looking for things that feel good and add value to your life and you’ll actually repel things that don’t. You’ll become attractive to good things! It may be hard to imagine, depending upon how you feel today, but one day at a time, with focus and a desire for change, you will succeed at happiness.

Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail

By Kelly Perdew

By plan, I don't mean have some idea in your head about your business or your career. When I say plan, I mean have a REAL plan. A written plan... that you work on frequently.

People always ask me how to get started on their plan. It is really quite simple. For my planning processes, I like to use what's called heuristic, or backward, planning. I learned it in the military. Basically, you start with your objective in mind and then work back to where you are now.

Heuristic planning can be distilled down into three basic steps. Let's take a look at each...

* Step One: Identify Your Overall Objective

Hopefully, you've incorporated your passion into your overall objective. That objective can be anything from getting a job in a new industry or new company to owning a major league sports team. Whatever it may be, just make sure it is something you're passionate about and that it is defined. Once you've identified your overall objective, you can begin the processes of achieving it!

You need to be specific about defining the objective. What constitutes success? How do you define failure? What are all of the components of the objective that you want to achieve? Truly understanding the answers to all of these questions will help you develop your plan more effectively.

* Step Two: Determine Intermediate Milestones and Supporting Tasks to Reach Each Milestone

For any objective you identify, there will be many milestones. And for each milestone, there will be many supporting tasks. For instance, if your objective is to find a job in a new industry, say real estate, then you'd have many potential milestones that could include:

1. Obtaining some level of formal or informal education about real estate
2. Developing an understanding of the different jobs available
3. Conducting a self-assessment and comparing that to what you've learned about the industry to determine the roles for which you'd be best suited; and
4. Developing a structured network to assist you in finding, closing, and excelling in your new job.

These are just a few potential milestones. Based on your ultimate objective, there can be many, many milestones, and they need to be individually mapped out. Many milestones can be worked on simultaneously. For instance, you might be getting your formal education in real estate at the same time you are increasing the size of your network in the real estate industry.

For each of your milestones, there are supporting tasks that must be accomplished. The supporting tasks are basically all of the actions you need to accomplish in order to reach your milestone. The more specific you are in identifying tasks and timing for them to be completed, the better you'll be able to track your progress.

* Step Three: Measure Your Performance and Adjust Your Plan

Tracking your progress is critical to success. You can't know how you're doing if you don't measure against your plan. The milestones act as measuring points where you can assess your development and gauge your progress. As part of the process of measuring your progress, you may find some interesting things occurring: You may learn that there are new milestones that you need to put in place to reach your objective; some of the milestones you thought you needed to reach may not really have been necessary; or you may even find out that you need to adjust your overall objective. Adjusting your plan is all part of the process and will ultimately enable you to achieve your objectives.

On "The Apprentice," I took a lot of flak for being on the laptop a lot during the tasks. One of the interesting aspects of the show is that the complexity of each task does not come through to the viewing audience. Before we filmed the show, I remember watching a couple of episodes of season one, and I remember thinking to myself that it looked pretty easy.

Well, I'm here to tell you that it isn't! We were given very little time and money to accomplish some very significant tasks. That required meticulous planning. Not only did we have to account for every penny, we had to manage some very strong personalities. By tracking our objective, milestones, and supporting tasks on the laptop, I was better able to lead my teammates and contribute to our ultimate success. So think about that...we created a detailed written plan for one task on a reality show. Isn't your career, your business, your life more important than a task on a reality show!? Or course it is. Start building your plan!

Planning is one of the most critical leadership that will contribute to your ultimate success in business and in life. Remember: identify your objective, set appropriate milestones and list their supporting tasks, and measure your performance so that you can adjust your plan as necessary.

Learning to Fall

by Clyde and Dee Kilough

Ever notice how little children fall over and over again as they learn about balance and develop muscle control? Anyone who dares something new must risk a fall.

Little children do not have far to fall—their falls are not great and no damage is done. Adults may hurt themselves more, depending on how far they fall. Children learn in the early stages of their lives and so can we. Once we realize that part of learning to walk is falling, we will be prepared for it—and if we ever fall again, we will have smaller falls with less damage. Learning to fall gracefully and humbly cushions the impact and makes it easier to rise and try again.

Tips for a Happier Relationship

by Deborah Fox

Much of this article could best be categorized as common sense. So, why would I bother to write about something as common as common sense? I think the answer lies in the same directory of life as the saying “When all else fails, read the directions”. We so often don’t look to the obvious as a solution, but spin ourselves in circles trying to right wrongs by coming up with complicated, deeply analyzed solutions. And, many times, that’s appropriate. However, the following suggestions may be a better place to start.


TREAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP AS A PRIORITY

How often is your relationship last on your list of priorities - or not even an item on the list? If you treated other things this way, think of what would happen - if you didn’t treat the garbage as a priority and ignored it , it would rot and then stink. Sound familiar? Cars can’t run without gasoline and relationships can’t go well without attention.


IF ONLY MY PARTNER WOULD. . . . . OR WOULD STOP . . . . .

Forget it. We’re all experts on our partners bad habits and irritating ways of living. We tend to know exactly how our partners need to change in order for them to be happier and to be a better person, and incidentally, we’d be happier too. Perhaps. However, it’s probably much more useful and productive to think of what you can do to make things go more smoothly between the two of you.


CRITICISM

Don’t do it. Remember when your relationship first began? If you were bothered by something about your partner, you either wouldn’t raise it with them or you would think carefully about how to tactfully bring it up, so as to try not to unnecessarily hurt their feelings. Try returning to that way of behaving. It can be amazing how much difference this single change can make in a relationship.


RESOLVING CONFLICTS

Remember the prior tip - don’t criticize. This, in itself, may take the punch out of things. Now, having taken the most common form of arguing off the table, what does one do? First, remember that it is very likely that your partner has not gone crazy or lost his/her mind in the last few preceding minutes. So, as you listen to your partner’s side of the issue, try putting yourself in his/her shoes. Really try. They probably have something informative to say. Hopefully, they will do the same. You will be off to a much better start. Remember some of the rules you learned in kindergarten - only one person talks at a time and let the other person finish before you start talking.

NURTURING THE PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP

This is the aspect of many a relationship which is the first to founder under any stress or tension. Sex is vital to the health of a relationship. When this bond is weakened, many other problems often arise - which we often would see as unrelated to the sexual relationship. Many people - statistically more will be men - find themselves more irritable and prone to temper flare-ups when the sexual relationship is at a low ebb. A malaise can set in, having an insidious effect on the overall relationship. At best, relationships become more like business partnerships. Or, what is called a “parallel relationship” - one in which partners are often in each other’s presence, but doing completely different things and making no real connection with each other. If you have gotten off the track sexually, try to think about what happened and when, and see what you can do improve this aspect of you relationship. More on this topic in a later article.

EXITS

An exit is something we do that keeps us from being close to our partner. The quickest, sure-fire way of finding out what you might be doing to keep a distance from your partner, ask the following question: What do I do to avoid our relationship? You might hear some of the following responses: “having the phone glued to your ear”, “endless computer games”, “disappearing into the garage”, “watching TV”. If you have the courage to ask the question, keep up the courage to listen to the answer.

FUN!

This is so often neglected! This is one of those obvious things that is so crucial to a relationship. If you find yourself doing the same thing - perhaps movie after movie - think of other options. Perhaps taking up a sport together, hiking and taking a picnic, dancing, taking a cooking class together, reading each other poetry or a novel, etc., etc. Look in the newspaper for ideas you’ve forgotten about. Be creative!

9 Fast-Acting Motivation Tools You Can Create in 2 Minutes:

1. Reproduce inspiring passages or excerpts.

Have you ever read a particular book passage that left you
feeling driven or inspired? This is a tool you should never
leave behind. Copy these moving paragraphs down by hand or
print them out with your computer and always keep them close
at hand.

2. Create a personal goal card.

Write - or use your computer to print - one of your most
important goals on a sheet of paper or card stock. Cut out
in the size of a business card and keep it in your wallet
or purse. For a longer-lasting card, use self-laminating
sheets from your local office supply store.

3. Put your voice mail to use.

Have your wife or husband, children, or close friends call
your home or cell phone and leave a message of hope, love,
and support for the things you are trying to change about
your life or goals you wish to accomplish. When times are
tough, the perfect solution will be just a call away.

4. Connect your goal with your children.

Here's one that you can really get creative with. Begin by
writing your goal on a large sheet of paper with a big,
bold marker. Then take a picture of your children or spouse
holding the sign and hang the picture in the places where
motivation is needed most.

Tools in Action: A father wishing to quit smoking wrote his
goal on a 3 x 5 foot sheet of paper and had his two kids
hold it between them as he snapped a few pictures with his
digital camera. He then taped the picture to the front of
his pack of cigarettes.

Connecting his goal with the love of his children gave him
what he needed to stick to his goal day after day and become
a proud ex-smoker.

5. Print out your favorite motivational quotes.

The right quotation at the right time can sometimes be all
you need to trigger your motivation and take action. Instead
of hoping this happens to you by chance, the tool below
will make sure it happens whenever you want it to.

Open your personal computer's word processing program. Set
the page orientation to landscape and add a classic border.
Type in your favorite motivational quote in the center of
the page and print onto a heavier stock of paper. Display
wherever motivation is needed!

6. Schedule reminders with your computer or phone.

Think of one thing you can do, just a single action, that
will bring you closer to reaching your goals. When you have
it in mind, record it into your computer's or cell phone's
calendar and set the alarm to go off at the time the action
needs to be completed.

7. Bring a DVD to the office.

Can you think of a scene from a movie that you found moving
or motivational? If so, don't leave it at home! Using your
computer's DVD program or a portable DVD player, watch the
scene at work - on your break - when you need that extra
push in the right direction.

8. Bookmark your favorite inspirational Web sites.

It often happens that people stumble upon invaluable sources
of information online and then never return after their
initial visit, missing out on all of the new and inspiring
resources to come. To make sure this doesn't happen to you,
bookmark the sites you find most motivating or inspiring.

9. Make use of your admiration.

Connecting with those whom you admire or respect is a quick
and easy way to tap into your internal motivation at a
moment's notice. Find a picture - from an old photo album
if a family member, online if a historical figure - and
tape it up in the location where it will best serve its
motivational purpose.

Tools in Action: An author who found great inspiration
in the writings of Longfellow found an image of him online,
printed it out, and taped it to her laptop. When it was
time to write, the inspiration she needed was never more
than a glance away.

Embracing Authenticity: Who Are You Able to Be In Front of Others?

By Sandra Zimmer

There is something about public speaking, expressing oneself in groups, presenting, or performing that triggers many people's desire to look perfect. It seems we just can't give ourselves permission to be imperfect and...well, human. When we don't feel safe to be genuinely who we are in front of others, we tense up the body and go into our heads to manufacture an "image" or illusion of perfection. This simple fact is at the root cause of stage fright and fear of public speaking.

Embracing an equally simple fact can release stage fright and even transform the tension and fear into a presence that radiates authenticity. The key is permission to be who we are without having to be perfect. How do we do this? We give ourselves permission to feel our feelings in front of other people.

Stage fright is fear of feeling in front of others. Unconsciously we attempt to show up as perfect by disowning our real feelings, sensations, and emotions. We try to make ourselves appear as if we do not have negative emotions like fear and anxiety. To heal stage fright, we simply have to learn to feel what we feel and share our emotions while we are interacting with groups. Presentation coaches who enjoin us to "never say you are nervous" are perpetuating the lack of authenticity that creates stage fright problems in the first place.

One of my spiritual mentors, William David, said, "We know who we are by how we feel." Through my own transformational process, I have learned to express more emotions and let go of some of my tendency to want to look perfect. Each time I allowed myself to express more authentically, I grew in self-acceptance, and I felt more like myself. I have literally experienced an increase in physical and spiritual energy flowing through my body each time I shared my self genuinely in public speaking situations and other group settings.

Who are you willing to be when you speak to groups? You truly can't be anyone else, so why not be yourself? I can guarantee that you will begin to show up as a star when you are willing to share your authentic thoughts, feelings, ideas, and expertise. As Marianne Williamson wrote in "A Return to Love" and Nelson Mandela spoke in his 1994 inaugural address, "Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the dame. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

It is my privilege to help people shine in the world. I do so by guiding them to transform stage fright and fear of public speaking into authentic presence, so they feel confident to share their ideas, insights, and expertise with the world to make a difference. As people are liberated from stage fright and fear of public speaking, they are free to shine in the world!

Life Is Worth Living!

by Clyde and Dee Kilough

Do you believe that? Interestingly enough, when we do believe that life is worth living, it becomes so. If that is not our attitude, dark clouds will always be on our horizons. Our belief helps create the fact. Those who have learned to live with the gleam of zeal in their eye, zing in their steps and sizzle in their personality are people to whom others are drawn like magnets.

Tips for Moms to Strengthen Their Marriage:

by Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

1. Share openly with each other about feelings, emotions and stresses as they relate to caring for your children. In times of stress, the tendency is to keep everything bottled up inside or to explode at the slightest disagreement. However, this approach will not work if you want your marriage to survive and thrive. In successful marriages there are No Sacred Cows. Simply speaking, happily married couples talk about everything. All subjects are fair game. They trust each other. They rely on each other’s good judgment. They depend upon each other for truth and straight talk. They share insights about everything—the good, the bad and the ugly. They are each other’s best friends.

2. Make a conscious effort to keep the flame of your love affair alive with each other, everyday. Can you rattle off a list of activities, topics and places you and your spouse include in your personal book of fun and romance? Have you found what clears your mind and gives you an unobstructed view of your world together? What type of priority do you place on making time for fun and romance with each other in your hectic lives? If you cannot answer these questions easily, you need to start today to carve out time to have a romantic date with each other, bring home flowers, get a hotel room, go for a long walk together, drink a bottle of wine while watching the sunset, write a love note, and snuggle in bed a little longer in the morning.

3. Don’t blame each other when things get tough, as casting blame never solved a problem. The blame game doesn’t work in love and marriage. It is destructive! There is a natural tendency in tough times to blame the one you love for your collective misfortune, but people in love don’t blame, castigate, or chastise each other in challenging times. The truth is, there usually is no one to blame for the situation.

4. Don’t wallow in self-pity; it is a wasted emotion. No problem has ever been solved by feeling sorry for yourself or your situation. Trying to pretend you are the perfect super mom while you are totally overwhelmed can only result in the wasted emotion of self-pity and more stress. Successful couples grab “the bull by the horns” and work for solutions – recognizing that running a household is not easy. Making a family work is, clearly, difficult even in the best of times and even more challenging when you are the caregiver for your children.

5. Enhance your love relationship by providing each other occasional time for privacy and aloneness. The recognition of the absolute need for privacy and aloneness is, in our judgment after analyzing thousands of interviews, critical to successful marriages. The amount of time available to satisfy these two needs varies from one marriage to another and from one marriage partner to another, and can increase during times of stress. We live such hectic lives at work, at home and when raising children that the time to be alone with our own thoughts is paramount to our ability to engage in any meaningful communication with each other. The quality of communication can only be enhanced between the two of you after refreshing your mind and spirit with alone time. You have to belong to yourself before you can belong to others. Unfortunately, moms spend so much time caring for others that they don’t take the time to realize their own needs. You can’t take good care of others if you don’t take good care of yourself.

Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken: The Power of Authenticity

By Mike Robbins

How often do you not say or do something because you're worried about how it'll be perceived? For most of us, myself included, this happens more often then we'd like to admit.

We live in a culture that is starving for authenticity. We want our leaders, our co-workers, our family members, our friends, and everyone else we interact with to tell us the truth and to be themselves. Most important, we want to have the personal freedom and confidence to say, do, and be who we really are, without worrying so much about how we appear to others and what they might think or say about us.

Sadly, however, even though we may say we want to live in a way that is true to our deepest passions, beliefs, and desires, most of us don't and it's not that easy. We've been taught by our parents, teachers, spouses, friends, co-workers, politicians, the media, and others that it's more important to be liked and to fit in than it is to be who we truly are. In addition, many of us assume that who we are is not good enough, and therefore we're constantly trying to fix ourselves, or to act like others who we think are better than us.

However, as the famous 19th century author and poet, Oscar Wilde, so brilliantly stated, "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken."

What it Really Means to Be Authentic

Authenticity is about enjoying a new sense of freedom to be who we really are -- ourselves, natural and without a mask in our relationships, our work, and our life. It takes courage, commitment, and depth to:

* Look within ourselves.
* Tell the whole truth (even when we don't want to).
* Be vulnerable .
* Admit, own, and share our true thoughts, feelings, desires, insecurities, passions, embarrassment, dreams, and more.

However, being open and real about all of these things (and more) is what it means to be authentic in life.

Five Principles for Being Your Authentic Self

In order to utilize the power of authenticity in your life as a way to enhance your relationships, increase your fulfillment, and empower yourself, here are five key principles:

1) Know Yourself -- Make a commitment to your own personal growth. Discover more of who you are. And, seek out and allow the support, honest feedback, and guidance of others.

2) Transform Your Fear -- There's nothing wrong with having fear; it's the resistance and denial of fear that is the real problem. When you admit, own, feel, and express your fear, you have the ability to move through it, transform it, and utilize its power in a positive way. Taking action in the face of fear is courageous and empowering.

3) Express Yourself -- Have the courage to speak your truth boldly. Deal with conflicts directly. Express your emotions fully. Be vulnerable and real about what you think and how you feel. While on the surface you may worry that this will be seen as "weak"; in actuality, expressing yourself completely gives you access to real freedom and power.

4) Be Bold -- Live, speak, and act with courage, passion, and truth -- even if it's difficult or scary. Go for what you want in your work and in your life. And get back up when you fall down, which you will.

5) Celebrate Who You Are -- Appreciate and honor who you are, what you do, and the gifts and talents that you have. Celebrating yourself is not about being arrogant. It's an awareness of your own power, and it's the key to self-confidence, fulfillment, and authenticity.

Being your authentic self is not for the faint of heart, but once you're willing to truly engage and do the work to become more real, your life, your work, and your relationships will be more exciting, meaningful, and fulfilling!

Everyone Around Me is Cranky - HELP!

by Mary Owens

Everyone around me is cranky~ HELP!

It is understandable that you may feel that everyone is cranky around you. The person in the car next to you cut you off. The school called to tell you your child got in a fight. Your 3 year old is throwing things at you while you are being nice enough to cook them dinner! And to top it off, your husband has just called to tell you he is going to be late because of a new project and by the tone of his voice it sounds like he thinks you had something to do with it. Can't you just get a break? Yes you can, here are a few tips on getting the attitudes to change around you.

First, attitudes are contagious. If you are ever in a room full of people and everyone is smiling you will start to feel like smiling. Same is true about a bad attitude. If you are in a meeting and the boss is angry, you will start to sense the emotion and may get angry yourself. The reason for this is energy. People are naturally receptive to energy. You can feel when someone is happy, sad, or angry just by the energy they are sending out of their bodies. Now this article is about attitudes not energy so let's focus on the attitude part of the energy.

Understanding what is behind the attitude~ Attitudes are based on one's emotions, what they are feeling at any given moment. This is ok for people who have "control" over their emotions but isn't so great with a 3 year old or a teenager who is just living in the moment. Children are very emotional creatures. They are supposed to be. Both toddlers and teenagers are going through a period of time in their lives when they need to explore being an individual. It is a natural stage of life. This stage of life can be very confusing so bear in mind the attitudes will absolutely fluctuate! Some of the feelings they might be experiencing are fear, excitement, awkwardness, frustrated, or tired.

When you are dealing with the attitudes of a loved one or a co-worker, the same understanding is a must. What are they going through at that time in their life? Did they just have a baby? Did their child wreck their car? Are sales low and they are worried about their numbers for the month? If you can understand where they are you will be able to have some patience with them. Understanding will help them relax because it is the energy you are releasing. The trick here is not get sucked in to what they are feeling. Remember, attitudes are contagious.

Next, you must be willing to take responsibility for the situation. WHAT! Yes, you must take responsibility for the situation. You may be saying, "I don't have any responsibility for my 16 year old daughter mouthing off to me!" Yes and no, you can't take responsibility for her mouthing off but step back for a minute. Have you been understanding with her prior to the event? What was your tone with her? Did you order her to do something instead of asking her? Have you spent time with her having fun or just talking about what is going on with her friends? Or let's take a husband calling and having an attitude with you about working late. Let's look at how you have handled previous calls like that. Have you given a disappointing sign or even raised your voice because, darn it you have been with the kids all day and you really needed a break? Really look at your part of the situation before blaming someone. Usually someone's attitude is a reaction to something done prior to the event you are experiencing at that particular moment. If you are familiar with what might have "caused" the attitude, you will become aware of a better way to approach the situation in the future.

This leads to the final area, how you can change the attitude! It is true you can change someone's attitude. How to do this is by changing your attitude! Let's face it, you are tired, scared, frustrated, and all the feeling they are having too. It is understandable that you have emotions and you are entitled to those. It is how you are handling them that will make the difference.

Let's say you have a 6 month old. You have been up at least 4 times last night because of crying and feeding needs. Your husband jumps out of bed and is smiling like he had the best rest of his life. How can that be? You are exhausted, and rightfully so. How you handle your attitude in the next few minutes will guide the day into being a good one or a bad one. If you get angry and sarcastic saying, "glad you got some sleep" in a deadly tone. You better believe you will get a similar response back. If you say instead, "wow, you look amazing and rested". I bet you get a completely different response. Maybe even one of sympathy or concern. Doesn't that feel better than a sarcastic banter you may have gotten into?

The point is, you have control over your behaviors and that will directly impacts the attitude you get in response. Choose wisely my dear friend and know that even if you do choose to have your own bad attitude, you can change it at any given moment. You just have to make that decision!

To wrap it up, remember these steps when dealing with someone's attitude.

1. Understanding~ what emotion is behind the attitude?

2. Patience~ allow the person to move through the emotion without you connecting to the emotion yourself.

3.Take responsibility~ you are a co-creator in this experience, what are you giving to the situation?

4.Change your attitude~ give what you want to receive.

These are simple but not always easy ways to change the attitude that you are experiencing around you. It takes practice to master these. You can always put these 4 key steps on to a 3 x 5 card and carry it around as a reminder if things are really feeling negative. At least it could help you get in a better space!

Until next time~ best always!

How to Deal with Heartache and Other Difficult Emotions

by Rinatta Paries

We experience emotional pain as physical pain, as has been discovered by recent research. This means that when you are experiencing heartache, your heart actually does hurt – well, perhaps not your heart, but something in your body does hurt and badly. You knew this already, because when you feel heartache or anxiety or frustration, it hurts.

In my practice I have noticed people often have a very low tolerance for this pain of heartache – they want to make it go away as fast as possible. And I can understand this. When you have a headache, you want to take an aspirin and if you body hurts, you want to rest, sleep or go to the doctor to find out what’s wrong.

It’s true – physical pain often does indicate something is wrong with out bodies. Emotional pain is different however, even if we experience it physically. The best way to deal with emotional pain is to feel it, without making it better, because on the other side of feeling that pain are great gifts.

In order to understand exactly what I mean, let’s first look at how we behave when we are in pain.

Since physical pain is indication of something gone wrong in the body, you might feel some anxiety or worry about having the pain. You may wonder if you are ok. You want the pain to stop and wonder if and when it will stop, and try to make a plan for how to end it.

Same thing happens with emotional pain. You may feel heartbreak or loneliness or even frustration and wonder if you are going to be ok. You feel anxiety about the pain and wonder if the pain will ever stop and if you are going to survive it.

The interesting thing is that you do survive it, every time.

Think about the last time you felt emotional pain. Perhaps the last time was about a second ago, or perhaps a fairly long time, regardless, put yourself back there for a moment. Now let me ask you a question. Was your body ok while you were feeling that pain? Were any parts of you bleeding or falling off? Were you able to feel emotional pain, but still go to the bathroom, walk and talk?

Emotional pain is not like physical pain. It can be debilitating in that it can take away your desire to do things such as eat, walk, talk, function, but it does not prevent you from actually doing those things. While physical pain is sometimes a signal that something is very wrong, this is not exactly the case with emotional pain. That is why you do not need to be afraid of emotional pain. It is not going to kill you. It is not going to cripple you. It is not going to blind you. It does hurt, but with no real harm to your body.

Emotional pain is different from physical pain in another way. Physical pain often needs outside intervention to make it go away. You may need to take pain reliever, change your diet, go see a doctor, have an operation, bandage the hurt part, etc. Emotional pin will go away if you feel it. Often you have to do nothing else. But if you do not feel, it can linger for a lifetime while you take many actions to avoid feeling it.

This means that when you feel anxiety about feeling heartache and worry about how you are going to make it go away and try to make plans about how you are going to alter circumstance and situations and people so that you stop feeling pain, stop. Remind yourself that nothing bad will happen if you feel pain and it will subside after you allow yourself to feel it. You don’t need to do anything to deal with emotional pain. Instead, you need to be with it.

Deal with emotional pain by delving into it, making friends with it, feeling it until it stops and you are on the other end of it. If you able to do this, there will be gold on the other end.

Here is the gold at the end of emotional pain. Imagine the freedom you would have if you were no longer afraid of feeling emotional pain. If you are single you might be willing to get out there and date more, because you would know you can tolerate the pain of rejection and the pain of not meeting the right person. Or perhaps you would get single and happy, knowing that you could tolerate the pain of loneliness.

If you were in a relationship that wasn’t going fast enough you would either be more patient because you know you could tolerate the pain of waiting, or you would get out because you know that you could tolerate the pain of letting go and being alone.

If you are married or in a long term relationship, you would perhaps speak up for yourself more because you knew that you could tolerate the pain of your partner’s rejection or his or her displeasure with you. Or perhaps you would get closer to your partner because you knew that you can tolerate the anxiety you feel at allowing someone close to you.

If you were going through a breakup or a divorce you could allow the relationship to end because you would know you can tolerate the grief and sorrow of letting go and the temporary loneliness.

Do you see the power you could have over your emotional life if you were able to tolerate emotional pain rather than being afraid of it? It can be truly astounding how much easier and more peaceful life becomes when you are no longer afraid of feeling pain.

It’s true that no one wants to feel emotional pain, but as it is a part of life and unavoidable, better to know that you can tolerate it and get through it then to be afraid of it.

11 Success Habits to scrub away your Mental Plaque

By Eric Taylor

1. Wake up every morning with An Attitude of Gratitude and think about all of the things you have to be thankful for.
2. Read a chapter from a personal development book every morning upon waking.
3. Read a chapter from a personal development book every night before bedtime.
4. Listen to a motivational or inspirational CD while driving your car.
5. Listen to a personal development program on your iPod while you are exercising.
6. Sign up to have inspirational stories or quotes emailed to you every day.
7. Keep inspirational pictures and sayings on the walls in your home and office.
8. Keep motivational reminders that inspire you next to your phone.
9. Keep Post-It-Notes with your immediate goals where you can see them in your home, office, and car.
10. Invest 10 minutes out of every day to meditate or envision your future successes.
11. Stay away from Energy Vampires.

Bringing the Comforts of Home into the Office

By Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, Ed.D.

Childhood -- good and bad ones -- has taught us that one of the cornerstones of happy families is sharing and collaborating. Even if your home life wasn't wonderful, it's likely you knew from the idealized television families or the happy families of your friends the benefits of working together.

And remember your kindergarten teacher reminding everyone to share crayons or help put away the toys?

In many of today's competitive work environments, it's easy for us to lose sight of the value of collaborating, sharing information, and helping others. Use this tip sheet to enrich your projects, networking, and value in your profession.

1. Create an informal team.

Does your work assignment seem overwhelming? Are you struggling to gain recognition to position yourself in the office?

The Old Way of Handling this Problem: Chug ahead, stay up late, get anxious, get possessive about information and your progress.

The New Way of Handling this Problem: Ask and offer. Ask other co-workers or colleagues who have more expertise or information to help you. Perhaps you need a few quotes, statistics, or contacts that these colleagues could more easily select. Offer to reciprocate with future help with their projects or networking. You will build good will -- and a good reputation that just might qualify you for Boss Material or Community Leader.

2. Always say thank you.

Are you swept up into the "way we do things around here" atmosphere of your office?

The Old Way of Managing this Situation: Take people for granted -- after all, it's their job, duh.

The New Way of Managing this Situation: Give compliments and acknowledge the work of others. It's easy to take assistants, co-workers, and colleagues for granted. But they are an important part of your success. Let others know formally-- not just a brief "thank you" at the end of a meeting -- that you appreciate what they have done. Send an email immediately to thank them. Mention specifically how they helped. What goes around comes around -- you never know when you might need to rely on them.

3. Understand that being first isn't always best.

Do you find yourself jockeying for projects? Are you surprised that you aren't picked -- when you just know you could do it?

The Old Way of Proving Yourself: Go behind the scenes, pitch yourself relentlessly, gossip, and complain that you didn't get picked.

The New Way of Proving Yourself: Go ahead -- pitch your ideas and solutions, not yourself, with a willingness and enthusiasm to be part of the project, and its limelight, in general. Let the right people know how you would handle the project. For example, explain the top three issues and how you would manage them. Pitching solutions is better than pitching yourself ("I'm the best person for the job. Look how I handled project X.") Well, this is project Y, so you'd better come up with some good ideas. However, add that you are so excited about this project that you want to work on it regardless of whether you are number one. You'll more likely get picked at least to be on the important project. Big fish in a little pond, little fish in a big pond are both great in their own ways.

In happy families, especially ones with lots of children, each child knows -- often without having to be told -- that some kids are better at one thing than another. Yet, in the end, everyone gets to participate in the fun in their own way. Maybe one brother enters the diving competition at camp, perhaps a sister the tennis match.

Keep the rules of happy childhood in mind the next time you take on a work assignment.

Be Good to Your Mate; It’s Good for Your Health!

by Dr. Noelle Nelson

You’re in the middle of a screaming yelling fight with your mate. You can feel your heart racing, your blood pressure rising, and after the fight, even though you smoothed things out, your stomach is still a mess. You think “I can’t do this anymore. This is just not good for me!”

Or it’s that daily litany of things that irritate you about your relationship, the annoyances you put up with, the little things that grate on your nerves, like his snoring, or her never quite putting away all her stuff. His overly loud laugh when someone says something he thinks he should laugh at even though he doesn’t think it’s funny, or her forgetting to mail the bills on time. You never quite feel relaxed, you tense up every time he/she does it again, your digestive system suffers and you think “I can’t do this anymore. This is just not good for me!”

And you’re absolutely right. It isn’t good for you. When you feel angry or even very irritated, annoyed, your heart beats more chaotically, your blood vessels may constrict and with that, your heart pumps blood less efficiently throughout your body. Parts of your brain shut down as less blood reaches them, and you’re functioning on far less than your full potential. Various chemicals and hormones are released in response to your agitation, contributing to your physical distress and lowering your immune response. All in all, not a pretty picture.

“Well, now what?” you ask, “Leave my mate to preserve my health?” No, of course not, unless your spouse is abusive, which is a whole different subject. But what you can do, is focus your attention more on what you do like about your spouse, what you can appreciate about what he or she brings to the relationship, to the betterment of your life, and less – much less – on what you don’t like, on what has little value for you, and frankly annoys you.

So you appreciate that he voices his opinion, and you turn your attention to trying to understand why he has an opinion so radically different from yours, rather than angrily defending your position. You appreciate the inevitable good that will come out of working things through rather than screaming them through.

You appreciate the emotional warmth and comfort of sleeping by his side, and look into solutions for his snoring. You take a step back, and value her spontaneity and easy-going nature which benefits you far more than her untidy habits damage you. You appreciate that he does laugh, even if it’s loud. You appreciate how she juggles so many things at once - work, kids, household – and find other ways to manage timely mailing.

Why would you do all this? Because it’s not only good for your relationship, it’s good for your health. Studies show that when you feel and think appreciation, your heart rate smoothes out, good cardiovascular health is supported, your hormonal balance is improved and your immune system enhanced. Your brain functions at full capacity, firing on all cylinders as it were. And the cascade of chemicals and hormones which flow from an appreciative state of mind all benefit the overall well-being of your physical and emotional self.

Collateral benefits: when you look for what works, for what is positive about your mate and your relationship, not only does your relationship improve dramatically, but your personal health and well-being do as well.

STOP GIVING AWAY YOUR POWER - part 2

by Judi Perkins

Most recently we looked at the concept of giving away power in the interviewing process, why and how that happens, and a few ways to retain it instead. Now let's look at additional reasons and ways to counter them.

When you haven't identified what you want in your next job, what you want is...a job. Each interview becomes a hurdle you feel you need to clear. Rejections become a reason to double your effort to win over every hiring authority. Combined, both of them result in your giving away more power, not less.

Candidates unconsciously fear that they'll be judged and found wanting. It automatically puts them on the defensive, eager to please. From innocuous things such as getting a tickle in your throat to being fired, they often fear these situations will be seen as egregious faults worthy of not making the cut. As if interviewers don't sneeze without tissues? Or get laid off? Or worse?

Getting fired without cause is no reason to lose sleep over how to handle it. When you worry so much about its effect on your interview that you over explain, it actually costs you the job. As Shakespeare said, "Methinks you doth protest too much." Rather than clearing the air, you're suffusing it with increased doubt.

Instead of creating a concern for the interviewer, find a way to turn the anticipated concern into a positive and then introduce it into the conversation. When you understand how to do this in a manner that impacts the company, rather than you, then you've planted a positive thought before any negative has time to develop.

When you don't know what you want - except the - you try too hard. It comes through in your tone of voice, your body language, and your choice of words, however subtle that may be. The interviewer may not consciously pick it up, but he'll react to it nonetheless. Interviewers are inclined to ferret out problems, go with preconceptions and stick with cookie cutter patterns under the impression that will result in a better hiring decision. Sometimes they're actually looking for ways to eliminate you, whether you, and they, know it or not. Why help them find a problem? In fact, why give it to them on a silver platter?

If you don't have a degree and that's a "concern," your answer should be, "I understand why you feel that's important. Some of my employers have initially felt that way too. But as you can see from my resume, I've been very successful in this field and in my roles, and my previous employers have found that I've impacted them in a very positive manner."

Notice you didn't argue, nor did you deflate with despair, causing the interview to spiral further downward and cementing every negative you feared might take place. Instead, you've supported his opinion, acknowledged that it's not the first time you've encountered it, and shown him – with an objective piece of paper – that it hasn't made any difference in your performance, and you've brought it back to benefiting his company.

He's challenging you to tell him why he should hire you when you lack what he wants. And you need to tell him, subtly, why his view is inaccurate and, at the same time, present him with the solution. In this example, it's that equating a degree with success is a fallacy.

Know what you want. Present yourself in a positive manner that provides a solution rather than succumbing to their attempts to keep things cookie cutter safe. Learn how to read the signals and understand what's going on below the surface, so that you hear what is really being said. And know how to ask questions to find out if it's a company worth pursuing. Interviewing involves selling. It also involves gathering information. And it has to be done concurrently. That's the way you keep your power.

An Attitude Of Gratitude

by Daily Encounter

A legend tells the story of a fisherman called Aaron who lived on the banks of a river. Walking home with his eyes half-closed one evening after a hard day's work, he was dreaming of what he could do if he were rich. As he walked his foot struck a leather pouch filled with what seemed to him to be small stones. Absentmindedly he picked up the pouch and began throwing the pebbles into the water.

"When I am a rich man," he said to himself, "I'll have a large house". And he threw another pebble into the river. He threw another one and thought, "My wife and I will have servants and rich food, and many fine things." And this went on until just one stone was left. As Aaron held it in his hand, a ray of light caught it and made it sparkle. He was not throwing ordinary stones but valuable gems, throwing away the real riches in his hand, while he dreamed of unreal riches in the future."²

Don't wait until tomorrow because "what-ifs" rarely, if ever, come. Be thankful for the blessings you have today for today is the only day we ever have. Live in the present for yesterdays are gone forever and tomorrows are only a hope and always a day away!