Help for Ex-offenders looking for Jobs: Body Language

By Eric Mayo

When looking for a job, just as important as the words we use is the message that our bodies are sending.The person that shows that he not only has the skills to get the job done, but can fit in with the people that are already there and presents a positive attitude will get the job. You must understand that companies do not hire people. People hire people. The person that hires you must like you as a person. I’m not saying that if the interviewer likes you, you will get the job. I am saying if he doesn’t like you, you have no chance. Remember, you have a criminal record. Being friendly will make the interviewer focus on your charm instead of your record! You must be confident, friendly and likeable to get the job.Your answers to questions are only part of what the interviewer is paying attention to. Your body language will tell more about you than what you say. Pay attention to the message that your body is sending.

Smile
Smiling is your most powerful body language tool. For many former inmates smiling is difficult. Some believe that smiling or other forms of kindness are signs of weakness. You must get rid of that attitude if you are serious about finding a job. A bright smile will open doors for you. When we smile at others it sends a message of trust and sincerity. Others feel safe and relax around those whose smiles are warm and genuine. I’ve heard things like “I don’t like to smile” or “I have nothing to smile about.” That type of attitude will keep you unemployed. If you do not smile easily, I suggest you practice until it comes naturally to you.

Posture
Your posture will make you look confident and professional. When you stand and walk, make sure that your back is straight, your shoulders are back, and your chin is up. When sitting, make sure your feet are flat on the floor, your back is straight, and your hands are on your lap. If you have a portfolio or notepad, hold it on your lap. Never fold your arms across your chest. It sends a message that you are defensive. Keeping your hands on your lap will keep you from doing annoying things with your hands. When the interviewer speaks, lean forward occasionally to show that you are interested.

Eye Contact
Maintaining positive eye contact is important if you want to send a message that you are honest and sincere. Those who have difficulty making eye contact when speaking or when spoken to make people uncomfortable and appear untrustworthy.If you have trouble looking people in the eye, try looking at the bridge of the other person’s nose. It will have the same effect. Eye contact is very important in establishing trust, but do not stare. It is o.k. to occasionally look away, just be sure that you have that all important eye contact when either one of you are speaking.

Handshake
An interviewer's first impression of you is often formed when you shake hands. A firm handshake communicates self confidence so you always want to offer your hand when meeting people. This applies to men and women. Always wait for the interviewer to offer his or her hand first.When shaking hands, be sure to meet the interviewer with a firm grip. A grip that is limp or weak leaves an impression of a weak character. A grip that is too strong says that the person is insecure and has something to prove. If your palms sweat, wipe them off before shaking hands.For more Job Search tips for ex-offenders visit http://www.jailtojob.com

Smart and Smarter

By Tim Jarvis
What's the best way to hang on to what you learn? New memory research has answers.
Cramming for exams in a haze of No-Doz is the kind of activity one can only hope to outgrow. But demands for retaining new information hardly ended with graduation -- there are speeches to be delivered, professional certifications, boards, and bars to pass. Should you pull all-nighters? Study till you drop? Now, four ways to remember more.

Space Out
If possible, always try to break up learning into separate sessions, rather than studying in a nose-to-the-grindstone marathon, according to Doug Rohrer, PhD, associate professor of psychology at the University of South Florida, who has conducted several experiments in this area. "Say you take French eight hours a day for two weeks -- language immersion courses yield excellent performance right after the class. However, if you want to know French in the long run, you're much better off spending that same amount of time distributed across a semester or a year." When you space out learning like this, he says, "you can have up to 100 percent more retention."

Sleep On It
Hit the books; then hit the pillow. That will help the brain lock in what you learned. Even naps are beneficial, according to a Harvard study in which subjects who took a 90-minute snooze after learning a task performed 50 percent better over a 24-hour period than the napless group.
"Sleep after learning helps solidify memory," says Susumu Tonegawa, PhD, a Nobel Prize-winning professor of biology and neuroscience at the Picower Institute for Learning and Memory at MIT. According to animal studies, when you perform a task, the brain cells fire in a certain sequence. If you then fall asleep, the same cells automatically fire in an identical sequence without being distracted or disrupted by incoming visual stimuli. That, Tonegawa says, "solidifies the synapses, which in turn helps to strengthen the information as a memory."

Don't Overlearn
Once you've remembered the Spanish word for house or done a math problem correctly, continuing to practice does very little for long-term retention, says Rohrer. "Study a lot of material for a little bit of time in one session, rather than a little bit of material for a lot of time."

Keep Your Brain Fit
The long-held assumption that we lose about 10 percent of our neurons per decade is not true. "Remarkably, there are as many neurons in a healthy 80-year-old brain as there are in a young adult's," says Michela Gallagher, PhD, professor of psychological and brain sciences at Johns Hopkins University. "When you're 50 or 60 and forget something, you think, 'Oh my God, my brain's falling apart.' But if you've still got all your neurons, the likelihood that you can prevent memory loss is much greater than if your brain had substantially deteriorated."
The magic memory pill has yet to be found, but science does know that regular exercise, social engagement, and education all help keep the brain sharp as you age -- "not just in terms of current memory," says Gallagher, "but also in reducing the risk of Alzheimer's disease."

Originally published on March 1, 2008

Are You Living Fully Or Just Existing?

By Bridgette Boudreaux

There are people who spend their lives being controlled by circumstances, excuses & a victim’s attitude (Why Me?) and there are others who plan, set goals and actively take steps to create their desired outcome despite their circumstances. Needless to say which group is considered successful. According to Michael Gerber, author of The E-Myth, “The difference between great people and everyone else is that great people create their lives actively, while everyone else is created by their lives, passively waiting to see where life takes them next. The difference between the two is the difference between living fully and just existing.”

Which are you?

It’s easy to determine your status. If you have not written down your short / long term goals for the year accompanied with an aggressive action plan to achieve your goals, you are not creating your ideal life. You are passively participating in whatever comes your way. Your days are driven by emails, family needs & desires, time wasters or numerous distractions that lead you farther from your ideal life. Nothing will change until you decide to use your most valuable resource TIME wisely. Stop spending days reacting to unexpected circumstances, instead take control of your life and become proactive.

In order to grab control of your life and destiny, you must first decide to make a commitment to manage your time to include activities that will bring you closer to your dreams and desires. Once you’ve made the commitment to yourself, the next steps will be easy to implement into your daily routine.

Step One
Get a notebook and pen and write down everything you desire in your ideal life. Do not concentrate on your current status or sabotaging thoughts that may enter your mind like, I can’t afford it or I don’t have the education or skills to do it, just jot down what it is you want. Once you have written them all down, pick one that you would like to accomplish within the next 3 - 6 months and another within the next 1- 3 years.
For example, your list may look like this:
Lose 10 pounds
Get my MBA
Write a book
Buy a new car
Buy a house

From this list, the 3 to 6 month goal would most likely be to lose 10 pounds and the 1 to 3 year goal would be to get a MBA. The other goals are important however you must get the ball rolling by picking a short & long term goal that you desire the most.

Step Two
Write each goal at the top of separate sheets of paper. For each goal, list all the tasks and activities needed to accomplish the goal. If you are seeking a MBA, some tasks would include: research universities offering MBA programs in your area, purchase the GMAT Study Guide, hire a tutor, schedule an appointment with an academic advisor from the School of Business, schedule the GMAT exam, etc. Include all tasks big & small that you will need to complete to achieve your goal.

Step Three
Prioritize tasks & activities in order of importance and sequence, for example, you wouldn’t schedule the GMAT exam without any prior study periods. Decide which tasks should be done first, second and third until all tasks are listed. Your prioritized task list may change because you are in control of your time and how and when you want the tasks completed.

Step Four
Get out your planner because it is now time for you to make appointments with yourself. Block time on your planner to create uninterrupted time to start each task. Also set self-imposed deadlines for completion. Tasks without deadlines usually never get done.

Set Five
Take Action. Planning is great; however without taking consistent action, even the best plan is worthless.

Now you are ready to live your life fully, pursing your purpose and making your dreams a reality. Go out and create the life that you deserve and want.

© 2008 Bridgette Boudreaux

Top Ten Self-fullness Tips For Sandwiched Women

By Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D.

No need to look up "self-fullness" in the dictionary - you won't find it. And it's also not likely to be in the vocabulary of women who are pulled between their careers, children, parents, spouse or even grandchildren. No matter what age women have attained, many still act the part of the 'good girl,' responding to the needs of others first. It's fitting that these multitasking women are called the Sandwich Generation - since a sandwich often means a quick bite to eat on the run for those who don't have the time for a sit-down meal.

No matter what challenges you face in your career and at home with children growing up and parents growing older, it's not selfish to set aside time for a taste of healthy self-fullness. Vow to put your feet up and think about yourself for once. What brings you happiness? What relieves the stress you face every day? What will bring balance to your life? These ten tips will guide you as you make plans to nourish yourself.

1. Whether you are changing jobs, having a baby, facing an empty nest, welcoming a boomerang kidult home, caring for a parent with Alzheimer's or anticipating your spouse's retirement, you don't have to cope with it alone. Find others in like situations or a women's group and gain emotional support as you share ideas.

2. As caring for your family-in-flux requires more and more of your energy, you may not be able to spend as much time with your friends. Resolve to stay in contact with them - even though your to-do list keeps growing and your calendar is full. Friendships and the social support they provide can be a potent antidote to the toxins of daily hassles.

3. Schedule in some quiet, private time and do something that gives you pleasure - take a walk by the water, enjoy the beauty of a sunset, immerse yourself in a good book. Think of this as a personal retreat that provides the opportunity to reconnect and re-center yourself.

4. Guilt runs rampant among caregivers who often worry that they're not doing enough for their loved ones. Remind yourself that you're dancing as fast as you can, given the realities of your life situation. You don't have to be the perfect mother, daughter, or wife. Set your own reasonable standards rather than falling in the trap of trying to live up to others' expectations.

5. Work to release additional areas of negativity - both in thought and emotions. When you are afraid of what the future holds in store or angry about what you need to cope with on a daily basis, acknowledge these as normal reactions and accept that they will come and go. Your frustrations and resentments make up part of the tapestry of your life but they need not be in the forefront. Once you understand that they are common responses to a difficult situation, you will find it easier to let them recede.

6. As you free yourself from negative feelings, begin to replace them with a more positive attitude. In your journal, write about what you are grateful for in your life. End each evening by reviewing three pleasant things that happened that day and savor the warmth these memories generate. Let your creativity emerge as you explore new interests.

7. Develop personal stress relievers to counteract the burnout that at times overwhelms you. Practice techniques of deep breathing, relaxation or your own form of meditation. Begin an exercise program that you will enjoy - commit to a schedule at the gym or take in the great outdoors, walking with a friend, biking in the neighborhood, hiking in the countryside on weekends.

8. Give yourself the gift of laughter - look for humor in your daily life, share a funny movie or television show with a friend, participate in activities that bring you joy. After you read the news section of your daily paper, turn to the Comics page to lighten your mood and release endorphins. Recent studies have found that a positive mood creates the atmosphere for better decision-making.

9. Ask for what you need from your family members and seek out professionals for their expertise and guidance. You don't have to do everything yourself. Let your spouse, children and siblings know exactly how you feel, what you want from them, and how they can do their share.

10. Recognize that it is healthy to receive as well as to give. Taking help when it is offered doesn't diminish your abilities. Accept and integrate the admiration that others express for you. Relish the gratitude and love that your partner, parents and children demonstrate.

As you decide to take better care of yourself, you will discover the strength to find balance in your life. Develop a firm core of self-fullness - it will sustain you as you continue to nurture your growing and changing family.

You Have Two Choices

by Motivation123

We all have goals or ideas of what we'd like to do with our lives, but we all don't achieve them. Many believe the right time passed us by many years ago. This common myth is behind millions of unfulfilled dreams and ambitions.

What can you do to break free from its grip? What is the secret that helped Caroline, Fred, Bob, and Ray move past the idea that the 'right time' had passed?

The power of now. It doesn't matter how young or old you may be, you have right now to begin moving toward your goal. There is only one right time and one wrong time: now and later.

Now. Right this instant. That's the only time you know you have for sure. Make the most of it and do the things you were meant to do. Erase the myth that you're too old and go for it.

While this idea may be enough to get you started down the path toward your goals and dreams, there is a chance you'll need another piece of vital information.

To make sure you have what it takes to get what you want, learning the six keys of motivation and success is critical. Every single success throughout time was made possible by six simple phases that you can begin as soon as today.

The Truth About Helping Others with the Law of Attraction

By Beth and Lee McCain

You might think that by helping others, it is helping you demonstrate how to apply the Law of Attraction through compassion and gratitude. This could be true (or not) depending on how you help others when you are intentionally applying the Law of Attraction.

The question is really: Why do you help others? Many people don't give for the sake of giving. They sometimes have agendas attached to the 'help' and the giving. Agendas may include wanting to convince someone else that you are a 'good' person, giving so it will bring your LOA manifestation quicker through compassion and gratitude (this one's the Hey Universe, look at me! ploy. The Universe is smarter than that!), showing another person that you are better than they are by giving, maybe you're ashamed that you have money and give and help out of a sense of 'money guilt', and the list doesn't stop here.

It is always wonderful to help and give to your fellow man; you don't have to have a reason to do it. But the Universe knows the true reason you give and will return to you what and why you give through your feelings. You see, you can't hide the true reason because it is your feelings that speak to the Universe, and you can't hide your feelings. In effect, we 'tell on ourselves' to the Universe, and this is part of the Universal truth. And it is a good thing!

If you are giving out of ego, you will receive the same. If you are giving from shame, be prepared for more shaming experiences.

How you give is important, with or without the Law of Attraction. But we guarantee that no matter how you give, the Universe has your number and you will soon receive what you have given out with the intention you included with the help you gave.

Give for the sake of giving. Give from a caring and loving heart. Give minus the ego and the inflation of the physical self. If you give and you say to yourself, I'm so good. I helped and gave to another human being. Get a load of me! You are giving from the space of ego.

When you give of your time or your money with a caring and compassionate heart, you will be rewarded with care and compassion in your own life.

There is only one way to help another person and that is with an open heart and a feeling of joy because you are helping someone who needs help. The person you are helping is also you, if you think about it, because you are always a reflection of your inner thoughts.

Go out and do a wonderful deed for the sake of doing a wonderful deed and not because you expect anything in return (except for a smile and a thank you). And how you help will determine if you get a smile and a thank you back from the Universe.

Take This Relationship Philosophy To Work

By Kevin Burns - Author & Attitude Adjuster, the Official Guide To Attitudes

A few months ago I was sent an email link to a video by Mark Gungor, a pastor from Green Bay, Wisconsin. Mark, in addition to being a pastor, is a facilitator of relationships. I watched the video and laughed so hard. Mark is also a stand-up comedian combining humor, values and real relationship solutions.

Last month I was visiting Green Bay and who do I run into in the mall? Mark Gungor. I recognized him right away since after watching the YouTube video, I ordered his DVDs. I had been watching them on the plane while laughing like a crazy person and lo and behold, there he was walking through the mall with his wife of thirty-five years, Debbie. We had a brief conversation and promised each other to keep in touch.

One of Mark’s philosophies in his program is advice to guys: “Be nice to the girl.”

How simple is that really? Just be nice. It’s not hard; in fact, it is easier than taking out the garbage or visiting your mother-in-law’s house. Just be nice. If the only time you spoke to your spouse was to point out their faults, that they did something wrong, messed up or screwed up, how long do you think your relationship would last?

Now take that same philosophy to work. (I know, I know. You think you’re supposed to check all home “stuff” at the door when you walk into work. Well you don’t do you?)

Think about working with employees as a relationship. The more you engage them in feeling better about the contributions they make, the more they will want to make the contribution. Jeez it's not that hard. Just be nice to people. Give a compliment when someone does something well. It will be easier to offer constructive criticism later if you’ve built up some respect from a little kindness. Trust me, it will mean much more.

People want to work for people who are just nice people. How hard is it really to offer a compliment? If it's hard for you, you're likely the wrong guy in charge.

You have to know, that in addition to being rewarded well financially, the one thing employees want (consistently finishing in the Top Five) is recognition. They want to be told they’re doing well – so tell them. If you give your people what they want, they will want to do more for you.

Be nice to your people. That doesn’t mean that you don’t address issues as they need addressing, but if people are doing things well, how hard would it be to tell them they’re doing it well? It’s only as hard as you make it.

And the same philosophy applies to standing in line at a Starbucks or wherever else you might find yourself getting impatient. Be nice to the person behind the counter. The whole world doesn’t stop because your venti, double shot, non-fat, extra-hot, caramel macchiato isn’t perfect.

“But for five bucks it should be perfect,” you might say.

Well, you’re being paid more than five bucks. Shouldn’t the same rules apply to you? Or would you prefer that someone is nice to you too?

Staying Connected With Your Partner During Upsets, Disagreements and Challenging Situations

by Susie and Otto Collins


Here's a great question from a reader that we think speaks to the communication issue that challenges most couples...

"We want to stay connected during our difficult times too. What is the one thing we can do every time my husband and I are angry with each other as we work through the disagreement?"

So how do you stay connected during the times that both of you are triggered and angry with each other?

How do you quickly get to the place where you both can resolve whatever has separated you and regain your connection?

The way we see it--there are two ways we could answer those questions...

-We could give you one big strategy or tactic

or

-We could give you the one mindset that we think is most important.

While we love using and giving practical strategies for making your relationship closer and more
connected, without the proper mindset, those strategies can fall flat.

The proper mindset that we're talking about is created long before the disagreement and
difficult times--and is built on conscious commitments that you make to yourself and
to your partner.

For us, our mindset or belief is that at our core, we really love each other, no matter what, and
that each disagreement is a learning opportunity for each of us. Because of this, we agree that
we will not run away but will find ways to open to each other.

From this mindset or set of beliefs, we are always experimenting with ways to shift from being
closed to one another to reconnecting.

Here are some things that help us to make a shift to reconnecting...

1. Change your breathing from shallow to slow, deep breaths.

We've discovered that when you calm yourself by using your breath, you can often shift to
another perspective, away from your "I'm right and you're wrong" viewpoint.

2. Remember your commitments to each other. Every time one of you feels like walking out of the room or closing completely to one another, we remind each other of our commitment of love
and not running away.

If neither of you can remember your commitments in difficult times, write them on a card and keep it where you can see it. Create some ways to pull you back to remembering your agreements.

3. Touch each other and regain your connection. Sometimes when we've gone round and round
over the same issue and nothing seems to be changing, we'll simply hold hands and look in
each other's eyes for a few minutes, without speaking. We might even put our hands on
each other's heart and stay there until we feel our connection come back.

If you do something like this (you both need to have some agreement about it beforehand),
whatever thoughts that have separated you will begin to fade. There will be a softening between
you and the space for you to reconnect and resolve your conflicts.

To keep or regain your connection even when it's difficult, create your mindset and make your
commitments to each other. Then be open to trying different ways to bring you back to your
commitments.

Heeding Relationship Red Flags

By Dr. Janice D. Bennett

The sport of auto racing traditionally uses a system of colored flags to communicate important messages to the participating drivers. Typically, there is a primary flagman who waves the flags atop a flagstand in the middle of the course. But because many drivers may not be able to see the flagstand, several other officials are stationed along the course to direct traffic and keep drivers aware of various road conditions and hazards.

It isn't much of a stretch to see how this aspect of professional car racing can help explain some important aspects of dating, since singles are told to look out for "red flags" while following a dating "road map" and navigating relationship "curves and obstacles."

In auto racing, flags are used to inform all drivers of the general status of a race. A solid green flag is usually displayed to indicate the start of a race. If a race is not under caution or delayed, it is said to be under "green-flag" conditions. The solid yellow flag, or caution flag, requires drivers to slow down due to a hazard on, or off, the track. The checkered flag is the most famous flag in auto racing -- it invariably indicates that a driver has completed, and won, the race.

But it's the solid red flag that is referred to the most when racing analogies are made to dating. In auto racing, the red flag is displayed when track conditions are considered too unsafe to continue the race. Heeding the red flag is necessary in order to prevent serious car accidents or injuries to the racers. In dating, a "red flag" is defined as a behavior you observe or experience in your dating partner that warns you of a problem area in the relationship, or about the other person.

"Red flags" can be information or behaviors alerting you to the possibility that any one of your relationship needs or requirements won't be met by your dating partner, or that something is going on that could potentially cause mental, emotional or physical harm.

Unfortunately, red flag behaviors are often ignored by singles eager to have a relationship. Staying in such a relationship can be unfulfilling, painful, or at worst, harmful to others as well, such as children, relatives or friends. Consequently, singles need to be as conscious as possible while navigating the dating racetrack on the way to the finish line, being on the lookout for the red flags when they appear.

Jerry thought he saw a red flag when he noted Michelle's apparent lack of warmth when they were around children. Jerry was a single father with sole custody of his two children, and wanted to remarry and hopefully have more. Michelle had never-married, and while she said she wanted children, Jerry was concerned when he observed how she interacted with the various children they met when they went out together (like their nieces and nephews or children of friends). Michelle's behavior around children was a red flag for Jerry, as he wondered if she would be able to meet his relationship needs and requirements of building a family. I encouraged Jerry to share his observations with Michelle, in order to be clear about this aspect of the relationship he wanted.

Michelle was initially upset when Jerry raised his concerns, saying that of course she wanted and loved children! However, Jerry persevered and shared his observations of her behaviors and what they meant to him. As they discussed the issue, Michelle concluded that her behavior most likely reflected a "different style" of relating to others, especially to children, coupled with a certain amount of nervousness on her part. As they continued to date and socialize more over tiime, Jerry saw how Michelle made greater efforts to engage with others, not just children, and the red flag was replaced by a green "all clear" flag.

Jerry was able to successfully acknowledge and attend to this red flag because he knew what he wanted in a relationship and didn't see it in Michelle's behavior. He trusted his instincts that Michelle was not acting in a way that he wanted the future mother of his children to act. Rather than ignore these warning signs, he listened to his instincts and took appropriate action.

Unfortunately, many singles don't listen to their inner voice when something doesn't feel right in their relationship. While drug, alcohol or physical abuse are obvious red flags one shouldn't ignore, some other behaviors are not always so clear.

Shelly and Marvin had gone out for three months and enjoyed each other's company. They shared many interests and pursuits and had similar spiritual and life goals. Shelly was especially attracted to Marvin's intellect, and enjoyed listening to him express his opinions on a variety of subjects of which he was well-informed. Shelly was inspired to learn more about some of these subjects and formed her own opinions, which she looked forward to sharing with Marvin during their dates. Marvin encouraged her participation, but Sandy found that he did not really listen to her ideas and instead used them as a way to talk more about his opinions, and himself.

Shelly initially didn't want to "rock the boat" by asking Marvin for what she needed, since in so many ways she thought they had a good relationship. But she saw this as a red flag needing attending though, and eventually asked Marvin to listen to her more and interrupt her less. He initially agreed, but Shelly later noted that while she spoke, Marvin was not really listening to what she said; he was just waiting to have his turn. And when he spoke, he was dismissive of Shelly's opinions and ideas. Shelly had to determine if the negative way Marvin treated her was enough of a red flag to warrant ending the relationship.

Staying in a relationship with someone demonstrating red flag behaviors does not provide a strong foundation for a happy, gratifying relationship. Many singles ignore red flags, only to realize that the negative behaviors they experience with someone also indicates how they treat others. Remember, what you learn about your dating partner while dating is valuable information to help you predict the quality of your relationship in the future. So if Marvin is dismissive and bombastic now, Shelly has to think how this behavior could, for example, affect his ability to eventually get along with his in-laws and raise their children.

Red flags typically don't get better and don't go away, even if ignored. And red flags don't miraculously cure themselves or go away even if you do recognize them and try to discuss them with the offending partner.

Just as in car racing, red flags have to be observed and heeded. But sometimes you have to get out and locate different opportunities -- ones with green flag conditions indicating the potential for a more fulfilling and gratifying life partner relationship at the finish line.

Office Party Survival Tips

By Debra Fine

If you're dreading the holiday office party and small talk doesn't come naturally to you, consider creating your own icebreaking cheat sheet, suggests Debra Fine, author of The Fine Art of Small Talk. You can save it in your blazer pocket or handbag

For starters, Fine suggests these icebreakers: "How does this season of the year impact your work?" "Tell me about your plans for the holidays" "What is your favorite holiday (and why)?" "What are your department's plans for the upcoming year?

Conversation killers to avoid, advises Fine, include "Merry Christmas! What are your Christmas Plans?" (not everyone celebrates Christmas); "Do you have children?" (not much to say if the answer is no); and "Is that XXXX real?" (fill in the blank-diamond, hair, etc.).

Men and Women at Work: Can We All Get Along?

It may be true that men are from Mars and women from Venus. That doesn’t mean the two sexes can’t effectively work together here on Earth.

John Gray’s New York Times bestseller “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” was a lighthearted look at differences between the sexes. It seems silly that it took a book to figure this out. As if it wasn’t obvious enough. But Gray’s work helped men and women develop better communication skills by pointing out that they have varying emotional needs. And there’s no more important place to understand this reality than at the office.

Once the political correctness is pushed aside, it’s plain to see that women and men simply approach work differently. And it has nothing to do with qualifications. After more than 30 years of the women’s movement, the workplace has been filled with highly skilled and accomplished women, whose educations and backgrounds have been on par with their male counterparts. However, the overwhelming majority of senior and CEO jobs in corporate America still remain in the hands of men. While gender bias, mostly in a covert fashion, continues to play a role, some researchers feel that the difference can be attributed to how women and men approach work.

That key difference? Competitiveness. There are, of course, women who can be just as, if not more, competitive than men. But as a whole, workplace studies have found that men put in longer hours, endure more hardships, are apt to relocate, and are willing to sacrifice family obligations more than women. If those are indeed the conclusions, it seems that women have a much smarter and healthier approach to work, even if they don’t occupy as many corner offices.
The workplace hasn’t become an all-out, battle royal of the sexes. In most professions men and women have gotten used to working together. But it stands to reason that the contrasting styles can lead to a breakdown in communication, a vital component in any successful business. But not to fear, men and women are more alike than different. Some may find that hard to believe, but it’s actually possible to improve cross-gender communication and smooth out the rough edges.
If you’re a woman who has frequent interactions with a men at work, you will be overwhelming successful if you recognize one simple rule: men think differently. And with that knowledge comes power.

One of the first places to start is recognizing that men typically talk to get information. While women do the same, there’s the added component of personal interaction in their conversations. An easily recognizable example of this in everyday life is the phone conversation. Guys call other guys get relay information or set up meetings. It’s rare that a man will call another “just to chat.”
Another striking difference is that women tend to ask more questions than men. Women typically want more details and a deeper understanding of an issue. Men sometimes see excessive questioning as a weakness and want to give the impression that they already have the information they need and can carry out the task.

An obvious distinction is that men tend to have a looser tongue than women. Offhand comments that can be offensive filter out of men’s mouths more than women. Most of the time it’s not an effort to harass a female employee, but a lack of judgment in telling a sexual or offensive joke. If a woman faces this situation, it’s wise to evaluate it on its merits and intention before reacting.

Everyone knows that men hate asking for directions, and that can go way beyond the map. It’s on commercials, television shows and movies constantly. You have a lost couple, a woman imploring the man to ask for directions, and the man outright refusing. What’s that guy’s problem? It’s a sign of weakness and men just hate that. Women can’t understand this phenomenon because they’re more intuitive than men and have no problem asking for help. To deal with this touchy subject at work, women can approach this in an easy-going manner and offer a man help “if he feels he needs it.”

When men and woman want to convey trust either at work or in a relationship, they, not surprisingly, do it differently. A woman who shares her feelings with a male co-worker is displaying trust, while men look more toward consistency and reliability as a marker. Because it’s so important to create bonds at work, a woman can win points with a male co-worker just by simple things like showing up on time, following through on a project or troubleshooting a problem.

While getting along with a man at work may feel like tip-toeing through a minefield sometimes, the bottom line is to maintain a professional relationship. Understanding why the opposite sex acts and reacts the way it does will go a long way in bridging the cultural gap in the workplace.

7 Barriers to Immigrants Success and How to Overcome Them

by Caroline Jalango

1. Negative people or dream killers.

A negative person is anyone who creates doubt and fear in you and pours cold water on your dreams with the intention of bringing your plans to a grinding halt. They are people who have resigned themselves to living unfulfilled lives and whose negative comments, toxic attitudes or actions are designed to cause loss of confidence either in yourself or in your abilities-if you allow it! Sharing your dreams with the wrong person can be suicidal for your dream. Say goodbye to, naysayers, detractors, critics, enemies, hecklers or unbelievers and say hello to people who inspire, support, nurture and bring out the best in you.

2. Denial-being stuck in the past.

Regardless of who you were before you migrated to a new place, don't live in denial any longer than you must. Your past successful life will always be a valuable part of who you are...no one can take that away from you. However, the new reality may mean that you can no longer be the successful, lawyer, doctor, accountant, CEO or professional you once were. Accept change and be ready to change and adapt! Spending your days talking about who you used to be or dwelling in the glory of your past successes will prevent you from applying yourself fully and creating a successful meaningful life.

3. Not knowing who you are and what you want to do.

At some point in your life you must answer the questions, "Who am I?" "What do I really want to do with my life?" "What fulfills me?" "What is my role and purpose on earth?" These questions are probably the most important questions that you will ever answer because they lay the foundation for your destiny and determine the course of your future. They help you get focused on what matters most and gain clarity about the next step to take. Based on them, you can avoid irrelevant, side tracking, time wasting, and emotionally draining activities On the other hand, when you don't know who you are and what you want...you settle for anything!.

4. Low self-esteem and a victim mentality.

You feel bad about yourself, criticize yourself, look down upon yourself, judge yourself harshly and are not proud of who you are. These negative feelings lead to a sense of insignificance, apathy and hopelessness. Further, when you allow obstacles, your insecurities or a "woe is me" mentality to rob you of the pleasure of achieving your goals-you choose to fail. The fact that you are an immigrant doesn't make you a nobody. You are somebody! You matter and you have an important contribution to make to the world. There are countless inspiring stories of people who have overcome all odds and achieved their dreams. If you take responsibility for your life and destiny...you too can become that story. Value yourself because no matter where you are from or how you look or sound like-you can still be different and unstoppable!

5. Succumbing to the voice of your inner critic.

Usually, there are two dialogues going on in your mind. One is the voice of empowerment that encourages you, "c'mon, you can do it, you are trained and qualified to do this, you are naturally gifted to do this or this is what you have always wanted to do," and the other is the inner critic's voice that taunts and instills fear in you. It whispers, "you can't do it, you will fail, you won't be accepted, you are different or you are not good enough" and so forth. These conflicting voices go on and on and pull you in different directions. It's almost like a battle between good and evil. Which voice are you listening to? Which voice is winning? To succeed, you must conquer your inner critic and win.

6. Talking big and not walking the talk.

If all you are doing is talking about your ideas, gathering information, reading, researching, attending seminars, and listening to what everyone else is saying and not applying all that learning and knowledge to make your life happen...you are preparing to fail. If you have worthwhile goals and you have not implemented them in a real and tangible way, you need to pause for a moment and ask yourself, "What is going on with me?" "What's holding me back?" "What am I afraid of?" If all your friends know about your big plans but have never seen any supporting evidence; it's probably time to start walking the talk!

7. Not asking for help!

When you want to get things done and are stuck because you don't know what to do next...ask for help. Invest in yourself. Get support from a trained coach, expert, mentor or a friend who knows what they are doing and can help you come up with a plan to achieve success. Seek help from people who are already succeeding and making something out of their lives or who can hold you accountable for getting back on track and staying there!

Remember that by your action or lack of action...you are making plans for something!

Overcome your barriers and let the evidence of what you want, speak for itself!

10 Ways to Get Unstuck today

By Caroline Jalango

Here is how to get your life, work or personal goals out of that rut...right now!

1. Clarify matters that remain unclear.
Are you stuck because you are in a mental fog? How can you possibly move forward with confidence if you don’t know where you are headed? What exactly are you doing and what end result are you seeking? Resolve these issues!

2. Collaborate with someone.
Don’t hesitate to reach out to people who can help you complete tasks, brainstorm or solve problems. Swallow your pride if you must; delegate what you can’t do on your own and pay to receive this help if necessary! Whatever you do…get the help you need to get unstuck and make progress.

3. Ask for a deadline extension.
If you are working on other people’s projects, ask for a deadline extension so you can “get yourself together!” Don’t stress yourself unnecessarily because the project is due and you are experiencing “brain freeze.” Ask for more time if you need it!

4. Fight the overwhelm factor.
Break down the task into bite-sized pieces and schedule specific days or periods of time to work on specific parts of the task. This will eliminate overwhelm, get you unstuck and make your work more enjoyable and manageable.

5. Conquer your personal fears and “just do it!”
Think about it…whatever happens after you deal with “your fear” is going to be much better than being paralyzed with fear and doing absolutely nothing with your life or about your work! So, why not take the worthwhile risk and go for what you really want?

6. Gather information about your area of focus.
Find out how others have successfully resolved the issues you are now facing and apply those principles to your situation. Knowledge liberates!

7. Know thyself and especially thy limits.
For example: if you feel that you have “bitten more than you can chew” be open and honest about it. If you feel that you have miscalculated the magnitude of the work involved in a project… inform the person who has assigned the task. They may offer a solution or ask you to work only on the specific areas you can handle.

8. Get some rest!
Are you stuck because you are tired and can’t think straight? How many mistakes or miscalculations have you made as a result of fatigue? How many tasks seem insurmountable to a fatigued mind? Get some sleep and return to the task with fresh vigor!

9. Stop the struggle and get in the flow.
Sometimes it’s important to be “stuck” and let life play out. It’s important to learn and grow from the experience of what’s happening and why it’s happening at that moment. Who are you becoming as a result of being “stuck?” The life lessons are priceless!

10. Abandon ship.
As a last resort, if you are feeling miserable because you are “stuck” doing something you don’t like, experiencing excessive stress over something you truly believe you can’t do or make progress on…be kind to yourself and “dump” it!

Think Better About Yourself And Get Out of Your Own Way!

By Kim Sarrasin

Are you in a dating 'rut'?

If you've been single for awhile it's quite possible you’re starting to feel a little resigned and unsure that Mr. or Mrs. Right will ever show up.

You know you're resigned when you’re having thoughts like....

"I can't find the right woman/man - what's the point in looking"
"I'm too busy to be in a relationship"
"I'm fine on my own"
"I'm afraid of being rejected, I'm not going to take any chances"

Once you start having those thoughts, your sending a clear message to the Universe (and to anyone you meet) to not bring you your heart's desire. Once you start giving up on the possibility of romance, the Universe will simply align with what you’re thinking and give it to you. If you walked into a job interview convinced that you wouldn't get hired you probably wouldn't be hired. The same principle applies in dating. Your thoughts trigger your behavior and send a clear message out into the world.

I recently went on a date with a man and told him during our evening that "this is a great first date". To my surprise, he got completely uncomfortable with the fact that I was viewing our evening as a date - even though I knew he was romantically interested in me and had asked me out. His unconscious response sent a clear message to me that he was definitely not ready to be dating. He may have liked the idea of dating me, but his response (behavior) showed me that there was still some healing he needed to do.

So what are YOU projecting out in the world? Are your thoughts triggering unconscious behavior? It's possible the right person isn't showing up because you’re sending the wrong messages. You could be meeting perfectly suitable people, but if "I'm afraid of being rejected" is running in the background, then you will potentially sabotage any possibility that presents itself.

3 Steps to Get Out Of Your Own Way

1/ You must check in with yourself and see if you have done the necessary healing from your past relationships. Look for recurring negative patterns, attracting drama, etc.. Hire a coach or counselor, attend a personal growth workshop. You need something BIGGER than you to step in and guide you.

2/ Focus on your goal and align your thoughts accordingly. For example, do you say that you WANT a relationship, but BELIEVE that you’re not attractive enough? It's time to stop listening to the 'inner critic' and start focusing on what you DO like about yourself. A great exercise is to ask a friend what they like about you!

3/ Make a list of all the qualities of your Ideal Mate. Put pen to paper and get really clear about what you want, value and need to have to make them ideal for you. People don't think twice about putting time, effort and research into shopping for a car or home and the same care and attention applies when you’re shopping for a mate.

How Can You Forgive Abusive Parents?

By Daily Encounter

When we have been hurt—especially by parents—it can be very difficult to forgive them.
However, if we don't forgive them, we end up hurting ourselves even more because our inner resentment eats away at us physically, emotionally and spiritually. As someone has said, "Failing to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

So how can you forgive your parents? First, it is impossible to forgive anyone until we first resolve our hurt and our anger. Unresolved, they block forgiveness. However, once they are resolved, the door is open for forgiveness, which becomes a choice.

Second, I would strongly advise that you seek professional counseling to help you resolve your hurt and anger so you will be able to forgive your parents.

Third, forgiving them doesn't mean that you allow them to continue to hurt you, so you need to exercise tough love and establish healthy boundaries to protect yourself. Let them know, lovingly but firmly, that if they continue to treat you in a hurtful manner, you will need to distance yourself from them.

Fourth, realize, too, that people who are being "too nice" aren't really being nice. They are being weak because they are afraid to stand up for themselves. So you need to work on this problem too so that you will be able to establish healthy boundaries. You will probably need counseling to help you in this area too. You can't change your parents, but with the help of capable counseling you can change you, and in so doing this will change your life.

A Friend Therapy

By Denene Millner
If friends are so good for us, why do we have few? Here’s how to get more.
It’s been almost two years since my family and I moved from New Jersey to the South in search of a more peaceful, more meaningful lifestyle. For the most part, we’ve found what we were looking for. Still, save for a few new acquaintances, I have about as many friends as a pimply-faced nerd on her first day of high school. I crave the camaraderie I shared with my girls up north.
I’m not alone. Recent research shows that adult Americans’ circle of friends has decreased by a third over the last 19 years. The problem isn’t just that we don’t have dinner dates; it’s that we don’t have people to turn to when we’re sick, when we’re stressed, or when we’re otherwise in crisis. We miss the health benefits of having a strong social network, which can do everything from boost your immune system to protect you from heart disease, cancer, depression, and anxiety, says Marla Paul, author of The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore.
“People tend to think of friendship as something you fit in when all the important stuff is done,” she says. “But friends are not a luxury; they’re an essential nutrient.”
Here are five easy ways to make—and keep—the kind of friends who will make your life happy and healthy.

1 Talk to strangers.
You may have a lot in common with the person you see every day on the train. Angelou Ezeilo of Snellville, Georgia, struck up a conversation one day with fellow commuter Jennifer White and discovered that they both were three months pregnant with boys, had a mutual love for Southern cooking and interior design, and lived in the same neighborhood. A friendship was born.

2 Google your old best friend.
You may have fallen out of touch since graduation, but your former buddy might still have all the wonderful qualities that made you like her in the first place. “If she was a good friend before, she might be an even better friend now,” says Sally Horchow, co-author of The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules for Making Meaningful Connections.

3 Host an each-one-bring-one party.
Ask a few friends each to invite someone you don’t know to a low-key evening of food and conversation. Dorothy Ashford of Cornelius, North Carolina, hosts this kind of gathering every Fourth of July. “I make sure that everyone connects with those they haven’t met,” she says. Try a fun icebreaker to get guests talking. Ashford suggests putting out a sign-in book so you can keep in touch with guests who tickled your fancy.

4 Make a friendship “date.”
If, for instance, a mom you chat with when you drop your kids off at school mentions she likes cooking, invite her to a local cooking class where the two of you can learn a new dish—and dish!—together. It’s a no-pressure way to take a passing acquaintance to the next level.

5 Do something new
Try something you love, so you can meet others who love it, too. Join a group, and you’re bound to find potential friends you can bond with over similar interests. “You’ll be seeing the same faces over and over, so your introduction is not quite so cold,” author Marla Paul says. Or simply change your routine. For example, Horchow suggests, instead of eating lunch by yourself at work, one day a week join co-workers you’d like to know better.

Three Ways To Build Emotional Intimacy

Mark Rogers, Ph.D.

This article is addressed TO guys, but it’s FOR gals.

Nearly every female client or trainee I’ve talked with in the last three decades has wanted to have more emotional intimacy with her mate. And about two-thirds of the males I’ve talked with haven’t understood how to create emotional intimacy without doing something sexual.

Here are three ways to create emotional intimacy without doing anything particularly erotic, guys. These are the instructions for giving your mate what she is craving, maybe even begging for, that you and you alone are able to give her. And you can do it without having to make those awkward-feeling negotiations about sex.

1. Talk about your feelings. (No, wait, you don’t have to run screaming from the room.)

   Most guys have a limited vocabulary about feelings, so it’s often difficult to get the message across. But that doesn’t have to be a real problem. In fact, it can be an advantage.

   Talking about your feelings is merely a matter of checking the compass points.

   There are four main feeling directions, and you can just walk your way through them in a conversation with your mate.

   What happened ‘today’ that made you angry (or frustrated, or ticked off, or resentful, etc.)?

   What happened that led you to feel fearful (or anxious, or worried, or concerned, or defensive, or anything like fear)?

   What happened that led you to feel sad (or hurt, or depressed, or discouraged, etc.)?

   What happened that you enjoyed (or felt happy about, delighted by, laughed over, etc.)?

   You don’t HAVE to talk about your relationship with your mate; in fact, you are likely to mess things up if you do. Better to stay away from those topics when you are trying to build intimacy, unless you can talk only about joy in relation to your mate.

2. Hang out with your mate, without roles or agenda.

   Spend time together, just doing something – especially, anything that might be fun or companionable – but don’t make it about teaching or problem-solving or anything that puts you into roles or agendas.

   When guys go bowling together, or work on a car, or sit in a hunting blind, they are building emotional intimacy this way.

   Do something that doesn’t take a ton of emotional energy or intellectual focus - just hang out.

   The activity should be diverting enough that it feels like mostly fun, but the side effect of being together is a major benefit of the hanging out time. This hanging out time is usually filled by women, when they hang out with each other, by talking about feelings or relationships. But guys don’t usually do that.

   During the romantic courtship phase, guys and gals do a lot of hanging out and talking about things (not about feelings or relationships, necessarily). We spend time together and just enjoy each other’s company.

3. Work through an ordeal together.

   When there’s a problem, an emergency, or a disaster, surviving it together automatically builds intimacy.

   Doing something difficult – and doing it together – builds a kind of ordeal-intimacy that is powerful and positive, even if the ordeal itself is profoundly negative.

   Happy couples never waste a good conflict. They know that working through problems together – even if that is painful, difficult, and gut-wrenching – will lead them to feeling warmly connected afterwards. Eventually. It may take a day or two for the raw feelings to subside.

   Working alongside your mate to deal with kid problems, clearing out the garage to avoid a hailstorm pummeling your car, or staffing a food line at the nearest homeless shelter – all of these are ways to build intimacy by confronting a challenge together.

The first option feels awkward to guys because we aren’t usually socialized for that kind of conversation. But doing the second and the third are well within the norm of male behavior. Inviting your mate to do them with you, and pushing yourself to walk through the four compass points of emotions, can pay big benefits in the relationship.

Here Are The Top Ten Reasons Why Men Fail With Women—And How To Make Sure YOU Avoid Every One Of These Deadly Common Mistakes...

By David DeAngelo

MISTAKE #1: Being Too Much Of A “Nice Guy”

Have you ever noticed that the really attractive women never seem to be attracted “nice” guys?Of course you have.Just like me, I'm sure you've had attractive female friends that always seemed to date “jerks”... but for some reason they were never romantically interested in YOU.What's going on here?It's actually very simple...Women don't base their choices of men on how “nice” a guy is. They choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them.And guess what?Being nice doesn't make a woman FEEL that powerful ATTRACTION.And being NICE doesn't make a woman CHOOSE you.I realize that this doesn't make a lot of logical sense, and it's hard to ACCEPT... but GET OVER IT.Until you accept this FACT and begin to act on it, you'll NEVER have the success with women that you want.

MISTAKE #2: Trying To“Convince Her To Like You”

What do most guys do when they meet a woman that they REALLY like... but she's just notinterested?Right! They try to “convince” the woman to feel differently.Well, I have news for you... YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HOW A WOMAN “FEELS” WHEN IT COMES TO ATTRACTION!Never, ever, EVER.You cannot CONVINCE a woman to feel differently about you with “logic and reasoning”.Think about it.If a woman doesn't “feel it” for you, how in the world do you expect to change that FEELING by being “reasonable” with her?But we all do it.When a woman just isn't interested, we beg, plead, chase, and do our best to change her mind.Bad idea. One that will never work.

MISTAKE #3: Looking To Her For Approval Or Permission

In our desire to please women (which we mistakenly think will make them like us), us guys are always doing things to get a woman's “approval” or “permission”.Another HORRIBLE idea.Women are NEVER attracted to the types of men who kiss up to them... EVER.Don't get me wrong here.You don't have to treat women BADLY for them to like you.But if you think that treating a woman well means “always getting her approval and permission for things”, think again.You will never succeed by looking for approval. Women actually get ANNOYED at men who seek their approval.Doubt me? Just ask any attractive woman if Wussy guys who chase her around and want her approval annoy her...

MISTAKE #4: Trying To “Buy” Her AffectionWith Food And Gifts

How many times have you taken a woman out to a nice dinner, bought her gifts and flowers, and had her REJECT you for someone who didn't treat her even HALF as well as you did?If you're like me, then you've had it happen a LOT.Well guess what? It's only NATURAL when this happens...That's right, I said NATURAL.When you do these things, you send a clear message:“I don't think you'll like me for who I am, so I'm going to try to buy your attention and affection”. Your good intentions usually come across to women as over-compensation for insecurity, and weak attempts at manipulation. That's right, I said that women see this as MANIPULATION.

MISTAKE #5: Sharing“How You Feel” Too Early InThe Relationship

With Her Another huge and unfortunate mistake that most men make with women is sharing how they “feel” too early on.Attractive women are rare. And they get a LOT of attention from men.Most men don't realize this, but attractive women are being approached in one way or another ALL THE TIME.An attractive woman is often approached several times a DAY by men who are interested. This translate into dozens of times per week, and often HUNDREDS of times per month.And guess what?Attractive women have usually dated a LOT of men.That's right. They have EXPERIENCE.They know what to expect.And one thing that turns an attractive women off and sends her running away faster than just about anything is a guy who starts saying “You know, I really, REALLY like you” after one or two dates.This signals to the woman that you're just like all the other guys who fall for her too fast... and can't control themselves.Don't do it. Lean back. Relax.There's a much better way...

MISTAKE #6: Not “Getting” HowAttraction Works For Women

Women are VERY different from men when it comes to ATTRACTION.You need to accept this fact, and deal with it.When a man sees a beautiful, young, sexy woman, he INSTANTLY feels a sexual attraction.But does the same apply for women?Do women feel sexual attraction to men based mostly on looks? Or is something else going on?Well, after studying this topic for over five full years now, I can tell you that women usually have their “attraction mechanisms” triggered by things OTHER than looks.Have you ever noticed that you see a lot more average and unattractive men with beautiful women than the other way around?Think about it.Women are more attracted to certain qualities in men... and they're attracted to the way a man makes them FEEL than they are to looks alone.If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.But it's not an accident. You have to LEARN how to do this.And ANY guy can learn how...

MISTAKE #7: Thinking That ItTakes Money And Looks

One of the most common mistakes that guys make is giving up before they've even gotten started... because they think that attractive women are only interested in men who have looks and money... or guys who are a certain height... or guys who are a certain age.And sure, there are some women who are only interested in these things.But MOST women are far more interested in a man's personality than his wallet or his looks.There are personality traits that attract women like a magnet...And if you learn what they are and how to use them, YOU can be one of these guys.YOU DO NOT have to “settle” for a woman just because you aren't rich, tall, or handsome.Let me say this again: If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.

MISTAKE #8: Giving AwayAll Of Your Power To Women Earlier

I mentioned that it's a mistake to look to a woman for approval or permission.Well, another similar tactic that a lot of guys use is GIVING AWAY THEIR POWER to women.Said differently, guys try to get women to like them by doing whatever the woman wants.Another bad idea...Women are NEVER attracted to men that they can walk all over... Women aren't attracted to Wussies!

MISTAKE #9: Not KnowingEXACTLY What To Do In EachType Of Situation

With Women Now I'm going to blow your mind...A woman ALWAYS knows what you're thinking.Women are approximately TEN TIMES better than men at reading body language. That's ten TIMES.I know, it might be hard to believe. But for example, if you're out on a date with a woman, and you want to kiss her, she knows it.And if you don't know exactly what to do and exactly HOW to kiss her, and you just sit there looking at her and getting nervous, she won't help!And this goes for ALL aspects of women and dating...Approaching a woman, getting her number, asking her out, kissing her, getting physical... everything.If you don't know what to do in each situation, you will probably screw it up... and LOSE EVERYTHING.And you KNOW it.It is VITALLY important that you know EXACTLY how to go from one step to the next with a woman... from the first meeting, all the way to the bedroom.

MISTAKE #10: Not Getting HELP

This is the biggest mistake of all.This is the mistake that keeps most men from EVER having the kind of success with women that they truly want.I know, guys don't like to make themselves look weak or helpless. We don't like to ask for help.Hey, I've been there myself.Let me tell you a little about me and how I figured out how to be successful with women...About five years ago I became fed up with the fact that I didn't know how to approach, meet, and get dates with women that I was attracted to.It frustrated the hell out of me.One night I was out with a friend, and I saw a woman I wanted to ask out, but I just couldn't get up the nerve to do it. I can still remember that night... right on the spot I made the decision to do whatever it took to learn how to be successful with women and dating.Well, after a lot of hard work and trying all kinds of crazy things, I finally figured it all out.I can now approach just about any woman and get her number almost instantly. I've dated models, I've dated actresses, and I've dated nice, normal, regular girls as well.It has been a very rewarding experience. I no longer feel that sick, insecure feeling... like I don't know how to meet women... and I might wind up alone.I know that anytime, anywhere, I can go out and meet attractive women.I've written a book on the topic, and I've done seminars on both coasts of the United States... and taught tens of thousands of men all around the world.I Now Have A FREE, Three-Times- A-Week Email Newsletter... ...But the REALLY GREAT news is that I now publish a free email newsletter three times a week that teaches any guy how to increase his success with women DRAMATICALLY.And I'd like to invite you to sign up.It's free, there's no obligation, I'll never share your email address with anyone, and you can easily remove yourself anytime with no hassles (and no, I'll never pull any of these tricks where I send you a bunch of unwanted junk email when you try to remove yourself).Of course, it even get's better than that...In addition to my free email newsletter, I also have a killer downloadable eBook that you can download right now and be reading in literally MINUTES from right now.It's JAM PACKED with dozens and dozens of specific strategies for overcoming fear, approaching women, getting phone numbers and email address from women quickly, great inexpensive or even free date ideas, and how to take things to a “physical” level smoothly and easily.

Finding Happiness

By Melissa Zollo

Imagine being able to handle a challenge, problem, or overcome an obstacle in your life without being in a constant state of distress, panic, rage, or depression.

Would you be happy then?

And does being able to meet, deal, and/or attempt to overcome problems, conflicts, and difficulties have anything to do with increasing your levels of happiness?

Recently, I met a woman who had the luxury of someone else supporting her so that she could stay home, rest, renew, and recharge herself.

Instead, she spent her time worrying about what might go wrong. She was unable to appreciate and enjoy the gift of time. Her thoughts actually reduced her sense of pleasure and fulfillment.

Based on our conversation, she soon realized that her level of awareness repelled happiness. Therefore, the beautiful gift had not acted as a cause or stimulant to increase her sense of self-joy.

I then encountered a man who had been helped through many hard times, unhappy relationships with family members, a financial crisis, and many difficult days with his employer and co-workers.

One would think he'd be so happy and grateful, yet his behavior and conversations mirrored a dampened spirit rather than a happy, grateful spirit.

He lived in a state of distraction and injury. He felt comfortable focusing on crisis.

Again, he had received gifts, but his lack of recognition of them coupled with his misuse of emotion and awareness left him unable to connect with his many positive experiences.
I believe that many of us would deal with the unfinished business of our past and develop emotional resilience if we knew for certain that our body produces a chemistry that is a perfect match to our beliefs.

Science is now documenting what healers and mystics have known for centuries: We are greater than any beliefs we have learned or acquired.

Our awareness of being along with each cell of our body holds the power to heal us.

It is up to the individual to make time to recycle such life-denying emotions such as anger, jealousy, worry, guilt, and hatred into life-affirming feelings of happiness, joy, hopefulness, and love.

Regardless of our family tree, color of our skin, education, religion, or lifestyle, when conditions are right, many limiting and negative memories can be triggered and unwanted mental influences released, igniting us into actions we really do not want to take.

Unless we understand that thought is creative and manifests itself, we will not be inspired to change our mental blueprints, thought patterns, and emotional moods in the moment.

Once we understand the language of our feelings without shame and decide to keep on growing in the direction of honesty, clarity, and joy, we can eliminate many negative expressions from our lives; gain better health; experience peace of mind; find happiness and freedom from enslavement to false error patterns and habits.

It seems that many of us take the long route around the mountain of self-acceptance and self-approval because we have been programmed to live in a toxic sea of mental and emotional poisons.

For some, the cure for being miserable is as simple as resolving what is bothering them.

Through understanding and acceptance of some previously hidden memory or fixed belief, they are restored. They are free to deal, feel, and heal.

Taking inner action opens the door to the present moment, and the journey to joy and happiness begins.

For others, focusing on memories of happiness simply increases their happiness levels.

The best tip I can share and the most valuable thing you will ever do while on your quest for happiness is to take complete control over all of the suggestive elements in your life.

* What are you listening to?

* What are your conversations with others about?

* Is your self-talk success talk?

* Or is everything that makes up your personal environment acting as an excuse for you to perpetuate self-condemnation and pain?

The author John Dryden once said, "First we make our habits and then our habits make us."

Are you in the habit of feeling frustrated and unhappy, or calm and peaceful?

Our level of happiness does not depend upon our possessions or anyone outside of ourselves. It depends entirely upon our inner blueprints, desires, decisions, focus, and connection to our deeper self.

Happiness is directly linked to the thoughts we choose to entertain and how we respond to people and situations we encounter, moment by moment.

If each of us decides to cut short our visits into fearful, angry emotional moods, we will easily shift our attention out of conflict and into resolution.

In time (and with practice) we will prolong our happiness responses, strengthen our identification with uplifting emotional moods, expand our mind, and move into joy-producing energy fields.

There is no one to change but ourselves.

It is up to each of us to enhance our ability to live happily ever after in the here and now and influence the quality of our lives.

Never close a door on a dream -- your dreams are calling you!

Intimacy Tips To Bridge The Communication Gap

By Susie and Otto Collins

Do you ever feel like you’re pouring out your heart to a blank stare? When you try to communicate with your love, does it sometimes seem like you're just not speaking the same language? He or she may be trying really hard to figure out what you are talking about, but just can’t make sense of it. You often feel the same way.

If you feel like there is a communication gap between you and the one you love, you are not alone. With practice and intention you two can close that gap and enjoy a closer, more passionate intimate connection.

Even before author John Gray declared that “men are from Mars” and “women are from Venus,” people have perceived a communication gap between the sexes. The stereotype that women are more emotional and men more action-oriented does tend to bear out for some people. Other couples may link their communication gap back to racial, cultural, economic, or other differences. Whether you believe it’s genetic and hormonal or learned and socialized, communication differences feel very real. And they can cause real disconnection between you and the one you love.

Carlo and Rita have been dating a little over a month and both are very happy about how their relationship is starting out—except for one thing. Carlo has noticed that when a potential conflict arises between them, he and Rita have a difficult time talking about it. It almost seems that they speak a different language. He was brought up in a family where debates and arguments were frequent and lively. Carlo’s way is to be completely open when something is on his mind and have it out (verbally) and then over with. Rita shrinks back and even cries when Carlo communicates in his accustomed way. Having grown up in household where raised, challenging voices only happened when someone was in serious trouble, Rita finds herself feeling a little afraid of this man who she really cares about. This dynamic doesn’t feel good to either Carlo or Rita but they don’t know how to change things.

Practice Heart Listening
We believe that a couple like Carlo and Rita can bridge their communication gap and continue building a loving relationship. The first step is for each of them to go within and sort through the possible stories going on in their minds. Rita might realize her tendency to go back to past experiences with her family when Carlo begins speaking in a strong manner. Taking a deep breath, Rita might share with Carlo why she reacts the way she does. At the same time, Rita can internally remind herself to stay present with Carlo and not assume his way of speaking means he is or will be abusive as her family was. Allowing her heart-- and not her past-- to guide her, Rita can listen to Carlo’s words with more openness.

Hearing about Rita’s past may help Carlo understand why she tends to fall apart during heated conversations or debates. He can choose not to judge her and, instead, to be aware of her feelings. This doesn’t mean that Carlo has to always speak in a quiet gentle voice which would not feel genuine to him. What it means is that Carlo can start listening to Rita with an open heart and acceptance of her communication differences as she is beginning to do with his.

Look for Communication Matches
If you were to visit a distant cousin in Japan with no knowledge of the Japanese language while your cousin did not know a single word of English, you would have to find ways to communicate. It probably wouldn’t take long for you and your cousin to use gestures and other signals to understand one another. You would find similarities, or matches, in the ways you communicate and maybe even learn some words in the other’s language.

Similarly, you and your partner can look for and use what matches when communicating. Perhaps Carlo and Rita both place a high value on speaking honestly. Although their “language” is different, neither lies about everything being ok when it’s really not. This match is something to celebrate and build upon! It doesn’t matter how small a similarity appears to be, it can help close that gap.

If you are having a difficult time finding communication matches, sit down—either together or alone—and write about it. Avoid judgments or “good/bad” labels. Write out how you each tend to communicate and what you each prioritize when communicating. If there are no immediately obvious matches, perhaps there are things about your partner’s “language” that you can appreciate and want to learn to do yourself.

When it feels like you and your love have a communication gap, perhaps the most important thing you can do is to expand your view. Acknowledge that there is no ONE way to communicate effectively. From this feeling of appreciation and an intention to hear and speak across the differences, you can enjoy deeper connection and intimacy.

The Value Of Friendship

By Jane Straus

Although most people don’t consider themselves isolated or friendless, 1/4 of Americans say they don’t have even a single close friend (according to a study reported in USA Today, June 23, 2006). This is a change from just 20 years ago when only 10% reported having no close friendships. Maybe our expectations have changed. Maybe we don’t expect friends to take the time to listen or to have the skills to help us reflect on our problems. But if not, why not?

In the 1970s my husband was on the baseball team at Stanford and when the team traveled to another university for a game, the guys spent their time on the bus talking together. About what? He doesn’t remember. But there was nothing else for them to do. Without ipods and laptops, these guys were forced to use each other to pass the time and build the camaraderie that cemented friendships he has to this day.

He went back for a Stanford reunion last year and saw something that alarmed him: When the football team got off the bus, they weren’t talking or laughing; they were all plugged into ipods. None of them seemed connected with each other. He imagined they spent the entire duration of the trip alone in their own world of music rather than goofing around, strategizing, learning more about each other, in other words, creating bonds that would last beyond their time as college athletes. He felt saddened for them. How would kids from the suburbs and those from blighted urban areas bridge the gap among themselves if they didn’t find more common ground than what was underneath their feet during a game?

How does technology affect our friendships and even our ability to know how to be a good friend? If what used to be a natural alignment such as teammates can be broken by a pocket-sized white rectangle that puts us in a bubble, how are we to reach out or be reached out to? Even taking the bus to work used to involve seeing the same people every day, affording us an opportunity to reach out to our neighbors and develop connections. Today, on a typical bus ride during commute hours, more than likely we will be on our cell phone or plunking at our laptop keyboard, using the bus as our mobile office (or catching up on sleep). We’re working longer and harder and the price we pay is increased isolation.

With online chat rooms and dating services, text messaging, and email, we can “exclude the wrong people” and avoid “wasting time.” But how many of us who are happy in a relationship would have picked our mates out of a line up? Did we really end up using the criteria we had in our minds or on paper? Does our partner really look or always behave like our wish list? Who are we overlooking by not taking the time to have a cup of coffee but instead choosing to not “wink” back at?

What can we do about this trend? And do we want to do it? Is it simply more efficient to pay for therapy or coaching? The problem with relying solely on “professional friendship” is that they are not there when you need someone to pick up your child from school because your boss wants you to stay late or the car breaks down. And unfortunately, you might be afraid to bother even those you consider friends if you haven’t taken the time to nurture these relationships. Needing something in an emergency becomes an embarrassment instead of part of the pact of friendship.

But even beyond emergencies, we owe it to ourselves to have at least one or two people who are available to us without having to whip out our appointment calendars. It takes conscious effort these days. We may not live in walking distance of that special friend. We have jobs and chores and families that demand so much of our time and focus. But we need friendship perhaps today more than ever.

The fewer outside friendships, the more pressure we put on mates, who are as ill prepared and time crunched as everyone else. Many of my clients fight with their significant others more about communication or lack of it than about sex, money, or children. They complain that they never get to the real issues because they can’t find the time to talk to each other or don’t feel listened to, resulting in escalating arguments rather than solutions. Couples sometimes schedule an appointment with me just to carve out the uninterrupted time to talk or to have a mediator who will keep them from hurting each other’s feelings. My work is about teaching them to listen better, to feed back each other’s words so that they each know they are being heard objectively, and to communicate more sensitively. This takes practice--lots of it, practice we are deprived of increasingly in our technological wonderland.

So it isn’t just technology that is the problem. One of technology’s side effects is the dwindling of our social skills. It takes more than just time to be a good listener; it takes skill. One has to learn to focus one’s attention on someone else to discern and help with underlying feelings that might be too painful or embarrassing to reveal immediately. This can’t be done via text messaging or email. It is tricky enough to do on the phone when we can’t see someone’s face. Without practice or the expectation from one another that we provide this, we lose both the ability and the commitment to provide the glue that binds us as something more than acquaintances. Without deep and intimate friendships, we end up enduring, stewing in our own juices of self-doubt and self-criticism.

Nurturing friendships requires changing our routine: unplugging from the TV and computer, picking up the phone instead of emailing, sharing meals together, setting up “play dates” just as we do for kids, and most of all, slowing down long enough to listen.

If these words speak to you, call (don’t email) your friends today, acknowledge them for something, thank them for gracing you with their loyalty. A true friend is both an investment and a treasure.

Harnessing The Law Of Attraction In Love - Five Biggest Mistakes People Make

By Dr. Karen Kan

Harnessing the Law of Attraction in Love: The Five Biggest Mistakes People Make

Mistake #1 – You are not clear enough and don’t ask for what you REALLY want.

When you set an intention, or make a wish, or ask The Universe for what you want, you need to be absolutely clear about what you want. When you are wishy-washy with your asking, you get wishy-washy results. The more consistent you are in asking for the same thing over and over again, the more likely you are going to get it.

If I was to ask you right now, what kind of person are you asking The Universe to deliver to you, how many of you would be able to give me a list of specific attributes of the person you are looking for? We cover this in Chapter 2 in my eBook, Creating Your Fairytale love life where I give you a list of questions to answer to test whether you have really thought out your entire wish list.

Let me give you some examples. My friend Christina decided one day to write down a list of qualities and attributes that she wanted in an ideal love partner. It was after doing this simple exercise that she met her current husband Dusty and they are happily married. It only took three weeks from the time she wrote her wish list and when they met!

When I’m talking about qualities and attributes, I want you to get very specific. Although it is OK to write down, “I want a loving partner who values me and treats me well” it truly isn’t specific enough in my opinion to create a magical relationship. Now, if you want to know what is specific, check out my wish list. I wrote my wish list to The Universe and I met my dream partner three months later. These are the qualities and attributes that I asked for:

1.I wanted him to be gorgeous and have a body that complimented mine as a skating partner.
2.I wanted him to be athletic and able to skate at my level or better.
3.I wanted someone who was intuitive and willing to express his feelings easily (which makes for an excellent on or off-ice partnership)
4.I wanted him to be about 5 foot nine or 5 foot 10 inches tall because it would be the ideal height for me to skate pairs.
5.I wanted him to accept moving to where I lived because I was sick and tired of moving every three years (which is what I did when I was with my ex-husband)
6.I wanted him to be handy around the house and like taking care of the house because I didn’t.
7.I needed him to be a good cook and like cooking because I didn’t like to cook, but I loved to eat!
8.I wanted him to be interested in personal growth and spirituality because it was important to me.
9.I wanted him to enjoy the pastimes I enjoyed including yoga, dance, music and of course, skating
10.I wanted him to be competitive with his skating so that we could skate at the national championships.
11.I deeply wanted for him to be a wonderful caregiver. I had always been the caregiver in my marriage and I really wanted a partner who knew how to take care of me for a change.

Now, James’ list was simpler, but still very specific: He wished for a beautiful Asian woman who enjoyed drumming and would enjoy athletic pursuits. Most of all, he wished for someone who would be loving towards him. His ex-wife was not very affectionate and he felt deprived of love and affection through the nine years they were together. He wanted someone who he could hug, kiss and snuggle up with.

Notice how specific James and I were in our “wish list” to The Universe! Now there is a special technique that I cover in Chapter 2 of my book that converts your wish list into a format that the Universe can understand. We don’t have time today to cover this, but in short, the technique converts your criteria from and “I want” status to an “I have” status…and the latter is the language of the Universe.

The second point is to really ask for what you want, not what you think you should want. It took me a while to get this. At first, I wanted a skating partner more than I wanted a love partner, so I only asked for a skating partner. Why? Because I didn’t BELIEVE that I could have a both a skating partner and love partner in one person? It was such a rare possibility that I didn’t allow the universe to create this reality for me. However, secretly I wanted both…but was too afraid to ask for both. I was getting mixed results until finally, I got the message. I needed to ask for EVERYTHING I wanted and get clear. Don’t sell yourself short.

Many people don’t ask for what they really want because they don’t believe they’d get what they want. I had to take a chance and I’m glad I did! Because James and I both got exactly what we asked for in a partner!

Mistake #2 – You have no passion for what you say you want.

To consciously use the law of attraction to manifest your ideal love partner takes energy and passion. If it were easy, everyone would be able to do it instantly. It isn’t that it is hard, but it takes energy regardless. Think about an Olympic athletes for example. They train six days a week and the work very hard to attain their goals. The law of attraction responds to anything you put energy into.

So my question to you is this, how much energy are you currently spending in the area of manifesting your dream partner? How much time and/or money, if any, have you spent in learning from successful people in this arena so you can copy what they do? What are you thinking about most of the day? Your job? Your bills? How lonely you are?

You really need to put energy and focus into manifesting something you consider “big”. You don’t need as much energy to manifest things you consider “small”. For example, whenever I see a patient in the office and think about their problems and start formulating a solution, I invariably come across an article or newsletter that deals exactly with the problem I am facing. I have come to expect it. So I don’t really need a lot of energy to manifest this type of “help” from The Universe because it is “small” to me. The other example I have is that some weeks I’ll have holes in my office schedule. If I want them filled with a patient, I will ask The Universe to fill it. Almost always, I get the holes filled, but only if I have enough energy. If I am tired, for whatever reason, the Universe will keep those holes there and I get to rest.

The last example is how I like to manifest the weather. The most common thing I will ask for is clear and safe driving conditions on a day that is supposed to be terrible weather. Now, 99% of the time, my request is granted as long as I have a vested interest in the weather being good. In other words, if it doesn’t matter to me on a personal or financial level to have good weather, I most likely won’t be able to change it. My ENERGY needs to be there in order for me to manifest the weather. When my friend in San Diego emailed me about the fires there months ago, I wanted to help. Because she lived there and there were threats of her having to evacuate, I had a lot of energy and power in wishing the weather to change. I asked her what was the most important and she told me that she needed the winds to die down so that the helicopters could douse the raging fires. Sure enough I asked for the winds to die down and they did so within about 24 hours. It was important to me to help my friend, so the Universe responded to my request based on the energy level that I exuded in this situation.

I have a good friend. I’ll call him Carl. He is a very busy college student and yet he told me he wished he had a romantic partner. I knew one of the reasons why he couldn’t manifest one. I’ve seen him in other relationships and when he gets busy at school, he just drops his partner like a hot stone. He doesn’t think anything of not returning phone calls from a love prospect for weeks because he is thinking about school not romance most of the time. When someone becomes truly interested in him and wants to spend more regular time with him, he pulls away. My guess is that he thinks he wants a partner, but doesn’t really have the time to devote to one.

Recently I had a letter from a young man who wrote and said that he wants to get a girlfriend with zero effort. That’s exactly what he wrote – zero effort. Now that you know that it takes energy to manifest a love partner, you can guess that his changes are what? Yup, zero. If he is not willing to put some effort into manifesting a love partner, then the universe will match his efforts. It is the law of attraction. And besides, girls, would you want to be with a man who puts no effort into a relationship? I think not! You’d probably run in the other direction. Relationships take effort, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t a heck of a lot of fun in the process!

Bottom line – if you have no energy and passion for getting your dream partner, the Universe matches you with no results. The Universe always matches your energy input.

Mistake #3 – You don’t realize that you have conflicting wishes

Conflicting wants confuse The Universe. Say you want to be married and you are wishing to meet your future spouse, but at the same time completely and totally enjoy the freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want, you may have a conflicting wish. If your belief is that getting married will restrict your happiness and freedom, you will sabotage your efforts to manifest your dream partner. Say you want to get married, but your best friend is single and has expressed to you how much he/she loves to hang out with you every Friday night, you may feel “bad” about being partnered up and leaving your single friend high and dry Friday nights!

So what happens when you have two conflicting wants? The answer is this: when you have two conflicting wishes, the WISH or desire has a GREATER EMOTIONAL CHARGE will prevail. So in the examples I gave you – if you value your freedom MORE than your wish to get married, then you will not be able to find someone to marry and in the other example, if you feel really guilty about leaving your single friend to get married, then you’ll sabotage your efforts to get hitched.

Here is the good news. If you are not getting results, think about what conflicting wishes you may have that are preventing you from getting what you want. In other words, ask yourself, What am I getting out of this situation? Once you’ve diagnosed your conflicting wishes then you can consciously decide which wish gets MORE energy. Where energy flows, results show…the law of attraction.

The "trick" and skill is to become as conscious as possible to all the different "wants" we can have in our lives. When we become conscious of our conflicting wants, then we can consciously CHOOSE one over the other.

Mistake #4 – You stick to your belief system even though it isn’t supporting you

I received a letter from a 22 year old man, I’ll call him Paul, recently who believed that his only chance for love was to grow his height from 166 cm to 185 cm. He said to me “I can’t believe that height isn’t necessarily needed for love.” Wow, I thought to myself. Here is a man who is an expert in the field of statistics, data mining, business and financial strategy – who clearly smart enough – and yet who refuses to believe that he can have a loving relationship because he is, in his mind, “too short” to be loved.”

In Chapter 5 of my eBook, probably the most challenging process in the manifestation process is to uncover your emotions and beliefs that are literally blocking you from creating your dream. This young man would rather stick to his belief that he is too short to be loved than to entertain a new belief that there is no such thing as being too short to be loved.

I told him that my good friend Garry, who is the same height as he is, is happily married to a woman who is several inches taller. Even with this PROOF that short people can find love, Paul completely ignores the possibility that he can be loved and thus continues manifesting the REALITY that no woman is in his life right now.

Marcus Aurelius once said, What a man can conceive and believe, he can achieve. The law of attraction states that what you believe you will manifest. If you believe you are too short, or too fat or too ugly or too poor to manifest a love partner, the Universe will make you RIGHT! You will create what you believe to be true. If you believe that all men are abusive, you will ONLY attract abusive men to your life! If paul believes that short people can’t be loved, then he will attract women into his life that reject him because he is too short.

The Universe makes you RIGHT based on your beliefs. So I want to ask you, Paul, would you rather be RIGHT about being too short to be loved, or would you rather have a loving girlfriend. The choice is yours. Give up your belief about being too short and start believing that height has NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE. Beliefs are just thoughts held to be true by you. They have power only to the extent that you believe in them. Change your thoughts and beliefs to change your life.

Mistake #5 - You have not made SPACE in your life for what you want to manifest.

This is one of the most common issues I see. As the saying goes, the Universe Abhors a vacuum. Basically what it means is that we have to create a vacuum in our lives in order for something new and wonderful to come along. Time and time again, I see that people are hanging on to an old relationship that just doesn’t serve them fully and they can’t let it go.

You know what it is? We are afraid of the void. We are afraid of the emptiness feeling. It is very scary for most of us, so we fill the empty space with “stuff”, “junk” and sometimes people that aren’t perfect. The philosophy is something like, “It is better to have somebody rather than nobody”.

I went through this personally during my quest to manifest my perfect dream love skating partner. When I lost my first skating partner, Peter, I was devastated. I felt such an emptiness, it was as if I was experiencing the loss of a divorce or death. I had fallen in love with pairs figure skating and not being able to do it was so agonizingly painful, I was willing to do just about anything to get another partner.

Before I learned the system of manifesting I talk about in my eBook, Creating Your Fairytale Love Life, I wished for a new partner but immediately and without knowing that The Universe was going to help me in this quest, set about feverishly looking for another partner on line. It was months of trying out skating partners and at the same time dating different people (one was a skater, the others not), that I realized that I had created a complex life and still didn’t have the perfect skating partner!

When I decided to stop dating new people and focus my efforts on getting a skating partner was when things started to turn around. There were two potential skating partners who were willing to skate with me but I didn’t feel the right chemistry…so instead of hanging on to them, I decided to let them both go. I said no. I was afraid I made the wrong decision because two time Olympic Gold Medalist in Pairs, Ludmilla Protopov said to me once about one of my try-out partners, “Well, he isn’t perfect for you…but having a partner is better than not having one at all”.

So I dared to not heed her advice. Instead, as I realized later after I learned the manifestation system, I created a vacuum. I began really enjoying being single and rejuvenated my singles skating. In fact, I ended up winning an international gold medal as a single skater. Within about a month and a half of that, I met James, my dream partner.

Same thing happened to him after his divorce. James was so needy (he told me I could use that word) and desperate for love after his divorce that he aggressively pursued women to the point that they got sick of his neediness and didn’t return his phone calls.

At last, out of frustration, he asked God for help. He asked God to bring him the right person. Then he sat back and stopped pursuing women. He just created space and stuck to enjoying his drumming practice – his passion. It was a few short months after he “let go, let God”, that I came into his life.

So if you have an old boyfriend or girlfriend you still hang around a lot, you may wish to distance yourself to create space. It doesn’t mean you can’t remain friends, but there is healthy space and then there is unhealthy closeness. If you really want someone new, you have to create space. Same goes for old feelings that are related to another relationship. We cover this is Chapter 5 when I talk about Obstacles.

If you haven’t forgiven someone that has hurt you in the past, you are taking up valuable emotional space in your life, and the Universe will have no room to give you what you want.

In Chapter 6 called Creating Your Vacuum, there is a life Vacuum Quiz you can take to gauge how much available space you have in your life for new things to come in – then we work on strategies to create more space in your life.

Creating Your Vacuum is absolutely the number one step that I see that is no one wants to do in the manifestation process! But it is essential.