Rewarding Your Team

Imagine this scenario: One of your team members has saved the company a significant amount of money with a process she spent weeks creating. It's right before the winter holidays, so you decide to reward her with a turkey that she and her family can enjoy for dinner one night.You make a big deal of presenting the turkey to her. She smiles and shyly accepts the gift, quickly putting it in the office refrigerator. You feel good because you rewarded her efforts, and she seemed to be happy about the recognition.
But is she? Things aren't always as they appear. You didn't take the time to find out whether or not she likes turkey, so you didn't discover that she's a vegetarian. And you didn't consider that she commutes to the office one hour by train - so by the time she gets that frozen turkey home to give away to friends, it will be a drippy, soggy mess. Have you ever wondered why the rewards you offer don't seem to be received very well? We often hear from business experts about how important it is to reward your team. But it's equally important to take the time to find out how your team would really like to be recognized. Sometimes people don't want a bonus or pay raise. Instead, what they'd really like is a sincere "thank you" or a day off to spend with their families. This article helps you learn the "ins and outs" of recognizing your team.

The Importance of Rewarding Your Team
Although the idea of rewarding workers beyond their pay and benefits package seems obvious, some leaders avoid the practice, perhaps because they feel that showing appreciation undermines their authority, perhaps because they want to avoid stirring up jealousy in other members of the team, perhaps because they feel they don't have the time to do it, or perhaps because they feel embarrassed praising people openly.This is a shame, because these attitudes reduce their own performance, and all of these problems can or should be avoided. The most successful leaders are those who recognize and reward their team's efforts. This not only builds trust, but it strengthens loyalty as well. Turnover is often much lower in teams that have a strong bond with their leader, and this impacts a company's bottom line.

You should also remember that, for the most part, the world's talent pool is shrinking - mostly due to declining birth rates, which leads to an aging workforce. This means that it's becoming harder for organizations to find the people they need. Finding and keeping talented people is a key issue, and the companies that figure out how to do this now will likely be the ones that succeed far into the future. One of the best ways to keep these people is to make sure that their hard work is appreciated. If finding the few minutes needed to recognize people is a problem, just think how much time you'd have to spend replacing them!

Recognizing Their Efforts
Appropriately rewarding team members for something they've done takes some effort on your part. If you don't put much thought into what you're doing, then you may just upset the very people you're trying to thank. This is why you should sit down with your team and find out how they'd really like to be rewarded.

For example, if your team is about to start a major project, find out:

Which team achievements would people like to be rewarded for?
What kind of reward would they like, as individuals and as a team?
Would they rather celebrate with several milestones along the way, or have one big celebration when they hit the team's goal?

Learning how your team would like to be recognized, and how you can show your appreciation, is a vital step toward making sure that your efforts will be appropriate.

When and How to Say "Thank You"

The return on appreciation is huge. Workers who feel appreciated are twice as likely to stay at a company than those who don't feel appreciated.If you think you don't have time or can't afford to show appreciation to your team, then stop and think about how much you currently invest in hiring and training new people. How much would you save if your staff turnover were lower? Probably a lot, which is why recognizing your team's efforts is almost always cost-effective.And don't think that daily gratitude will "wear out" your team. Has anyone ever thanked you so many times that it lost its meaning? Probably not. It's not likely that your team will ever get tired of receiving your appreciation.

Just make sure you're sincere about why you thank people. And don't rush the "thank you" while you're on your way somewhere else. This WILL probably make your gestures lose their meaning. Stop, look at the person, and tell him how much you appreciate what he's doing.These small gestures cost nothing except a few seconds of your time, but their payoff is enormous.

"Thank You" Tips

Remember these guidelines:

Be consistent - Consistency is vital. If you praise often during one month, and then skip the next month entirely, your team will wonder what's going on. Creating a culture of recognition and reward is important – so once you start, make sure you continue.

Be specific - Every time you praise people on your team, be specific about what they did to deserve the recognition. If you say, "Jim did a great job yesterday!" that's not only vague, but it may cause jealousy from other team members. Being specific not only makes the person you recognize feel better, it also lets the whole team know that you're paying attention. So, detail exactly what the person did and why it made a difference.

Know your people - You must know your team to reward them adequately. For example, if you know that someone loves art and music, then opera tickets or museum passes would probably be an appreciated, thoughtful gift. If someone else is a sports fan, then football tickets might be a great idea. Getting to know your team's interests is critical to showing your appreciation well. Send out a survey, or question them about their passions. And write it all down so you don't forget.

Make the reward relevant - Your gift or gesture should be relevant to your team member's effort. For example, if someone comes in early for a week to make sure a project is completed on time, then a gift certificate for a great breakfast would be a good fit. If, however, the person just saved the company from a mistake that would have cost millions, then something more significant is needed!

Ideas for Rewarding Your Team

As we said earlier, chances are high that your team isn't looking for a bonus check or pay raise to feel appreciated. Sometimes, smaller gestures go further and don't break the budget in the long run. Here are some creative ideas to consider for showing appreciation to your team:

Offer flexible scheduling - not everyone needs, or wants, to be in the office at 8:00 a.m. Or, you could offer telecommuting days.
Send handwritten thank-you notes when someone goes above and beyond the requirements of the job.
Create "free day" coupons that a worker could use for a free day off - no questions asked - without using vacation or sick time.
Take your team out to lunch - and then, as a last-minute surprise, give them the rest of the day off.
Give out "lazy Monday" coupons to allow a team member one "free" Monday morning off.
If you e-mail a team member to say thank you, consider copying that message to YOUR boss.

There are thousands of creative ways to say "thank you." The great thing about these gestures is that they'll probably be remembered far longer than any bonus check. You'll show your appreciation - and, at the same time, you'll strengthen the bond between you and your team.

Healthy Selfishness: Put Yourself On Your To Do List

By Bonnie McFarland

Are You Last on the List?

When was the last time taking care of yourself or doing something just for fun made it to the top of your to do list? If your answer is a "long time ago" or "can't remember" or even "never," you're not alone.From the time we were children, many of us were taught "don't be selfish" and "think of others." We may have learned these lessons a little too well. Most of us spend all the hours of our day taking care of others, completing the to-do list, fulfilling obligations, and doing what we "should" do. Taking care of ourselves is last on the list – if it's on the list at all.The truth is this doesn't work! If you ignore your own needs long enough you're likely to become drained, dissatisfied, exhausted, and maybe even resentful. When you're not refilling your own personal tank, it becomes increasingly difficult to give to others. Without recharging you won't have the energy to be your best self at home or in the world.

Put Yourself First

Many of my clients come to me with empty tanks. While they may be searching for what is next in their lives or how to make a difference in the world, they often need to start with self-care. Only after refueling and recharging themselves are they fully ready to create their vision for a deeply satisfying future.Remember how on an airplane you're told to put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then help others? In the event of an emergency on the plane, you must be both present and alive to assist and truly be of service to others. You must take care of yourself first. The same is true in all aspects of our lives.If you want to be a happier person, a better spouse, a great parent . . . if you want to be a good employee, manager or friend . . . if you want to do what you're called to do, what your purpose in life is . . . whatever it is you want to do with your life, begin with yourself. When you make choices that nourish you and fill you up, you'll naturally be more generous with your time, energy, and resources. And you'll be more able to create a life you love. This is healthy selfishness.
Make the Most of Your Self-Care

If this idea makes sense to you your next question might be "What do I do to take care of myself?" There are a lot of "shoulds" in the area of self-care – exercise, eat healthy, meditate. The list can be long. All of these would be good for us, so the question often is "Where to start?"I recommend a different approach to self-care. To get the most impact and the best refueling from your self-care time, do something that "lights you up;" choose an activity that energizes, delights, soothes, or nurtures you. My clients' "lights on" activities have included getting a massage, singing karaoke, reading trash magazines, having dinner with friends, practicing yoga, taking a ten minute walk in nature, and planning a vacation to a favorite place. The list is endless and different for each person.What is it for you? Take a moment to visualize some things you love to do. Perhaps those things you never make time to enjoy. Get these ideas out of your head and onto paper. Better yet, add some of these to the top – yes, the top – of your to-do list. And then do some of them! Notice how your energy increases when you take a little bit of time to do something just for yourself, something that lights you up.

So go ahead- be selfish now and then. Put yourself at the top of your to do list. Healthy selfishness just may be the best thing you can do for yourself, the people around you, and the world.

Can Your Relationship Survive The Financial Crisis?

By Dr. Richard Nicastro

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl


You don't need me to tell you about the dire state of the American economy and the reverberations being felt around the world. While you're probably well aware of how this is directly impacting your bank account, home value, and nest egg, there is a hidden casualty that doesn't seem to be getting any press:

Marriages and relationships are buckling under the stress of these uncertain, stressful economic times.

Money is a sensitive and complicated issue for many couples. Arguments and power struggles can easily result and couples often feel blindsided by how a once strong relationship can be pulled apart by conflicts over finances. Here are five steps you can take to help your relationship survive this economic crisis.

1. Make the decision to keep your relationship a priority

It is easy to lose sight of the importance of your relationship during tough economic times (or during any stressful period). Many loving couples lose their way when worries about job security and money begin to take center stage in their relationship—intimacy is temporarily compromised when you or your partner become overwhelmed by fear; the very bond that supports your union can be weakened when your fears become a mainstay of your relationship.

Becoming conscious of this danger is essential to the health of your marriage or relationship. Make it a habit to check in with each other and acknowledge the importance of your relationship—you both need to make a conscious effort to help your love transcend the hurdles you face. With a little planning you and your partner can create "no-worry-zones" throughout the day--protected moments where you both give one another permission to only think about each other, about the positive aspects of your relationship. Think of these as temporary pit-stops that can allow you both to refuel the relationship.

Remember, if you're anxious about money and/or job security, it will take effort and practice for you to be fully present with your spouse or partner in these moments.


2. Acknowledge and accept changing roles

We all play different roles in our relationships (and in our lives). For instance, you might be the "go-to person" during times of trouble; or maybe you're the joker who makes everyone smile.

Often changes in family income bring about changes in the roles that were a natural part of your relationship—the bread-winner who took pride in supporting her/his family may now have to apply for unemployment (or take two jobs just to make ends meet); The full-time parent may now be forced to leave the children in someone else's care and search for work. Beyond defining us as individuals, many of our assumed roles give particular meaning and value to our lives—and we can feel shaken at our core when stripped of these roles.

Share your struggles with your spouse/partner and supportive others if you are having difficulty transitioning into a new and unwelcome role in your life.


3. Find new ways to connect and enjoy one another

Your income and resources may change drastically during a financial crisis—or you may live with chronic anxiety that your finances can drastically change at any moment. Money that you originally allocated for vacations, dining out, gifts and other leisure activities may suddenly be needed to pay the mortgage or rent, be used for food, and utility bills (or saved for future expenses). Your relationship needs to change with the changing tides of your finances.

The challenge is for you and your partner to seek out new ways to connect and enjoy each other without the constraints of limited finances. You'll need to adopt a new mindset for this to occur and you'll each need to sacrifice. As your inspiration think of the starving artist or broke college student who are able to create meaningful relationships despite being financially destitute. Try to forget the trappings that money brings and head back to romance basics: holding hands, long walks, movies, games (is anyone up for charades?), making each other laugh...brainstorm together on how to have inexpensive, low- to no- cost fun.


4. Learn to ask for help/seek support from each other

Denial and stoicism aren't useful, especially if you're feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Unfortunately, some couples keep their collective heads in the sand and act like it is business as usual until something drastic happens—well, something pretty drastic is happening, so now may be a good time to get your head out of the sand.

All too often couples don't share their fears with one another—this is especially the case for men. It's so common it's become a cliché: the stoic male who'd rather not talk about his feelings (especially emotions that make him feel helpless and not in control); the male who doesn't access his partner for support but instead pulls away and attempts to deal with problems by himself, leaving his spouse/partner feeling isolated, confused and alone. And, while this pattern is more typically seen in men, there are women who also withdraw in the face of stress.

There's no way to sugarcoat this: It's dangerous for you and your partner to begin withdrawing from each other—you'll now be faced with the anxiety of a troubled relationship on top of everything that's playing out across the global economy.


5. Understand how you each cope with stress

Lack of financial security creates anxiety in all of us. As your anxiety level escalates during these uncertain times it becomes easy to displace your reactions to stress onto your partner.

No matter how healthy your relationship or marriage is, it is common for conflict to escalate when you and/or your partner are under stress. Ideally couples will learn to rely on one another to get through the difficult times that are part of every life. The reality, however, is often different.

A brief example of how financial stress negatively affected Vince and Karen:

Vince recently lost his job as a systems analyst at a large insurance company. In order to make ends meet, he needed to find work quickly and took a job making significantly less money. For the first time in their marriage, money was extremely tight. Rather than seek out Karen for support, Vince became more withdrawn and began to feel inadequate as a husband--his self-esteem is tightly wrapped around his ability to support his family. Confused by her husband's behavior, Karen began to confront Vince about his "bad attitude." Repeated conflicts replaced the once peaceful terrain of their marriage.

Part of the problem for Vince and Karen (as well as for many couples) is that they each have very different coping styles when faced with stressful life events. Vince withdraws and ruminates (rather than seeking support from others) and this triggers a fear reaction in Karen who begins to worry that their marriage is in trouble.

Is there a solution to this dilemma?

Become mindful of each other's coping style

Often a marriage or relationship is damaged not by the stress itself, but by the way in which you and your partner cope with stress. The more information you have about how you both deal with the pressures of life (your typical patterns of coping), the more understanding and empathy you will have for one another during relationship rough patches.

Is your relationship worth protecting?

Single Life Choices: Empowerment

by Christyann Anderson

Being a single woman can present difficulties when we only view the situation through the eyes of others. Often there is external pressure on the single person to find a mate or to at least show interest in being part of a couple by flirting or acting as though being single is not really part of the ‘’Life-Plan.’’ When people we love cause us to feel depressed about being single, it is time to act! Now is the time to remember that marriage, flirting, or dating when not ready, is not for everyone and should not become an option taken by force.

Even if the ‘’force’’ is coming from within.Yes, it’s hard to deal with being the ‘’odd woman out’’ when all your friends are now beginning to ‘’date’’, and it can become harder still to fend off additional questions about your ‘’love life’’ when all you want to do is enjoy the company of friends and have a good time. Well, take a deep breath then take a step back from the situation and look deep within at what is truly going on.

Ask yourself why these inquiries about your status create such negative feelings that eventually cause your sense of self worth to plummet. When our self-esteem is solid and we are centered, no question can knock us off our foundation. It doesn’t matter whom is doing the asking, we know our own worth, and we know that it does not lie in whether we are single or not. Now ask yourself some even harder questions. You have to learn to value yourself first, and then you will realize that no matter what others say, think, or feel about you will have little effect on the image you have of yourself. The most important relationship in anyone’s life is the one we have with ourselves.

Single people in particular, must learn to fundamentally like and value themselves as they are, now. When we build a healthy self-esteem, it changes the way we feel about ourselves and present that person to others. We need to become someone that we value and to let others see us in the same way.Remember, being single when all your friends are pairing off is only difficult when we cannot see the value in our own lives. Value yourself and know that the most important relationship in life is the one we have with ourselves. Re-affirm your right to remain ‘’Happily Single!''

Stop Complaining! It's Not Good For You

By Linda Binns

I have a challenge for you. Are you up for it? Good, here it is: for one full day (yes, a whole 24 hours) don’t complain – about anything. Seriously, try it. You might be surprised at how difficult it is. I don’t think of myself as a complainer but I have done this and it’s surprisingly difficult to do. It’s so easy to find a thought popping into your head when something happens. Like, you’re in a hurry, you rush into the grocery store to buy a couple of items, you’re heading straight for the ‘No More Than 6 Items’ Express Checkout when someone sneaks in front of you with what you swear is a month’s worth of shopping in their cart.

Be honest, if this happened to you would it cause you to complain, even just a little bit? You might not complain out loud, but in your head you’d be thinking something like “how can people be so ignorant, can’t they read the sign? Why does this always happen to me? Why does this always happen when I’m in a hurry? How could this person be so stupid?” etc. So, my challenge to you is that when something like this happens, instead of complaining, simply notice what’s happened. That’s it. Don’t judge it as good or bad, just notice it. You can say in your head something like “oh, look at that, someone just went into the Express Checkout Lane with more than 6 items in their cart. Isn’t that interesting!!” What do you think? Can you do it?

Actually, my husband and I have tried this and it can get quite funny. We find ourselves commenting on something and then suddenly saying right afterwards “not that I’m complaining!”

Why is this important? Well, I’m sure you’ve heard that what you focus on is what you get. I think just about everybody has heard about the Law of Attraction since the book and movie of The Secret came out. Mostly what I hear from people is something like: “well, yes I tried the Law of Attraction, but it doesn’t work for me.” Does that sound like a complaint? The Law of Attraction does work, just like the Law of Gravity – you don’t have much choice in the matter. It’s happening all the time. The key is what you focus your attention – and your energy on. Here’s the thing, when we complain it means we’re upset about something. This takes up a lot of our energy. Just try it next time you find yourself complaining and getting upset about something. Stop for a moment and pay attention to your body. You’ll probably find that you feel uncomfortable somewhere, perhaps an uneasy feeling in your stomach. Notice that your heart is probably beating faster, which means your blood pressure is rising. Breathing becomes faster and more shallow. All you can think about is what has happened to make you upset. You might find yourself talking to other people about it. They confirm how terrible it is and how right you are to be upset – adding to the energy that is focused on that particular issue. That’s a lot of energy.

Now, you may have been trying to use the Law of Attraction to manifest something in your life, such as a new car or pay raise, or whatever it is that you would like. As far as you are aware, you’ve been focusing on it a lot and writing affirmations, and visualizing it, etc. But think about it for a moment, the amount of energy that you put into that probably isn’t anywhere near the amount of energy that you would put into a negative situation, as I described above. The thing is that once something that we perceive as negative happens to us, we find it hard to let it go. Even if we are not consciously thinking about it, it’s usually churning away somewhere in the back of our mind. What you focus on IS what you get. So what you’ll find is that the more upset you are about something, or the more you complain about things in general, the more things will happen for you to get upset about. You’ll get a lot more of the same. Then you think that the Law of Attraction isn’t working for you. Of course it is, it’s just bringing you more of what you don’t want, rather than what you do want.

That’s why this is a great challenge. You see when we stop complaining it frees up our energy to focus not only on what we want, but what we already have that we are grateful for. I promise you, if you do this on a regular basis, you really will find that you’ll start to attract more positive people and experiences into your life – more to be grateful for. Once you find that you can go for a full day without complaining, then try for 2 days, then 3 and so on, until you can stop complaining all together. Does one day sound like too much to start with, then instead of complaining about it, try for just one hour. If you catch yourself complaining, then just start the clock all over again. Don’t give up, keep trying. You’ll find that it’s well worth it.

We all know people who complain all the time. Nothing is ever going well for them, and probably nothing ever will – as long as they keep complaining and putting their energy on what they really don’t want. Even if you think that you don’t complain, that you’re positive most of the time and you avoid people who complain, try it anyway – I think you’ll be surprised at those sneaky little thoughts that pop up that sound a lot like complaints!! You really will like your life a lot better without them.

The 7 Relationship Transforming Words

By Susie and Otto Collins

If you want to know the "7 words"--(it's actually8 words)--then here they are...

"Because this relationship is so important to me..."

Why are these 8 words relationship-transforming?They can transform a situation from two people closing to one another to being open enoughto communicate and understand each other.

When you say them and mean them, a tensesituation can "soften" and you can actuallytalk to one another instead of both defending.

Saying them can help you and your partnerto drop into your hearts so that you cancommunicate from a clear place insideinstead of reacting from old habits.

When they are spoken aloud, from the heart,they are a good way to preface your "truth"and what you want from your relationship rather than complaining with anger orresentment about what you don't want or don't have.We're not saying that anger is always "bad."

There's certainly a lot to be said for not holding it inside. But if all you are doing is reacting with anger to a situation, there'svery little chance that it will ever be resolved.

Here are a few suggestions to helpyou when you're in a tense situationwith someone you care about...

1. When you realize that there issomething you'd like to say butyou know that it will trigger theother person, take a breath andsay the 8 words aloud.

2. Follow them up with what youwant rather than blaming or lashingout at the other person.Blaming shuts the other person down and keeps an argument going. Here's an example..."Because this relationship is soimportant to me, you should stopignoring me when I talk to you."Here's an example of using these 8 words to stay open to understanding each other in thesame type of situation..."Because this relationship is soimportant to me, I would like forus to be together the way wewere when we were firsttogether."

3. Listen to what the otherperson wants even though you may be tempted to close down.Say those 8 words to yourselfif you are struggling to stay opento hearing how he or she feels.

4. Talk about how you feel fromyour heart and not from yourdefended position.When you speak from your heartand the other person values yourrelationship as much as you do,there can't help but be anunderstanding between the twoof you.

The next time you are temptedto shut down to someone who isimportant to you, use these 8 words and see what happens.

Take your time at the table

By: Daily.uk

Are You Accepting Or Settling?

By Ken Donaldson
When you know what you have to have in a relationship, not only are you going to feel more fulfilled when you have it, you’ll also find the relationship more sustainable. As a result, the relationship will have a higher likelihood of lasting and it’ll be less stressful because your relational needs are met at a much higher level.It is of the utmost importance to put a high emphasis on the deal-breakers. Again, these are the characteristics of relationships which are absolutely, positively non-acceptable. All too often I’ve seen people make exceptions even when they know a certain behavior or set of behaviors wouldn’t be tolerable for them in a relationship. They set themselves up for disappointment because they imagine, even though they know better, people are going to change as a result of the relationship. This is a true set-up for unnecessary heartache.I can't stress it enough - Know and live by your deal-makers and deal-breakers.

Where does acceptance end and settling begin? This is a very good question, and it’s a very important distinction to understand. When you settle, you’re allowing situations to occur in your life which are below your standards. In fact, when you settle, you actually sell-out a piece of your own integrity as well as create an energy drain. If you’re not aware of your deal-makers and deal-breakers, then you are unconscious to your relationship needs, but responsible for them none-the-less. In other words, when you’re not living in alignment with your deal-makers and deal-breakers, then you’re settling. When you settle for less, there is one sure guarantee; you will always get less.
Acceptance, on the other hand, is having the knowledge, understanding and conscious awareness of the characteristics, components and/or dynamics of another person, possession and/or activity in which you may not find complete satisfaction, but are willing to accept because your core needs are being met. In other words, some of your wishes, or even desirables, may not be there, but all of the requirements of your deal-makers and deal-breakers are there. You’re accepting because you know your highest priority and core needs are being met.Accepting also means you take what is, as is. You won’t try or hope to change what is into what you want it to be. Acceptance is not trying to change what is, but rather, accepting the reality of what is.It’s easy to see how confusing this could be if you’re not careful to be absolutely clear. Again, if you don’t know exactly what it is that you’re looking for, what is acceptable and what is not, then you’re much more likely to end up with unhealthy, dysfunctional and/or inappropriate situations or people in your life.I have one final note to say about acceptance versus settling, and you can quote me. In fact, I have this printed in very large type in my office: Never, never, never, never, never settle. Never, not even once!

Man's Endless Quest for Happiness

How can you find real happiness? Many people look for it by acquiring more and more or doing more and more. But that's not where the key to real happiness lies.

by Beyond Today host Gary Petty

What would make you truly happy—a new car, a new job, a different husband or wife, more money, or to be better-looking?

Or maybe you're a young person and your definition of happiness is to find a special someone, get married and have a family. Maybe your definition of happiness is to become a doctor and help others or perhaps you want to be an entrepreneur and be your own boss.

Now imagine what it would be like to have everything you think would make you happy—and then to suddenly lose it all. That's exactly what happened to Viktor Frankl.

Viktor Frankl was one of Austria's most promising and well-known neurologists and psychiatrists in the 1930s. He was highly successful, happily married and admired by his colleagues.

One day his entire life came crashing down as he and his wife found themselves forced from their home, robbed of everything they owned and crammed into a boxcar bound for a German concentration camp. There Frankl was separated from his wife—whom he would never see again—was stripped of his clothes and had all the hair of his body shaved off.

Viktor Frankl would spend the next few years living in indescribable horror. He slept with nine other men in a bed only 6½ to 8 feet wide with no mattress and only two blankets. He received so little food that his body looked like a skeleton with skin. He endured beatings from SS guards and fellow prisoners. He watched countless people suffer and die.

Yet in the midst of the most unbelievable hell on earth, Viktor Frankl claimed to find the important keys to happiness.

What is happiness?

What is your definition of happiness? Be honest with yourself and see if any of these sentences describe your approach to life.

• You constantly suffer from feelings of anger and bitterness toward others and life in general.

• You're always struggling with perfectionism and feelings of never measuring up.

• You see other people as barriers to your happiness.

• You measure happiness by what you own or how much money you have.

• You are obsessed with your appearance, clothing, jewelry, makeup and body shape.

• You suffer from excessive shyness.

• You have difficulty experiencing meaningful relationships with others.

• You feel stressed much of the time and can't relax when you're not busy.

• You are in constant conflict with others and always trying to bend everyone else to your will; you feel that you are right in almost all situations.

• You have a preoccupation with sex outside of marriage.

• You find yourself always comparing yourself with others and judging others by your personal criteria.

• You experience an inability to trust God or even believe that He exists.

If you are experiencing one or more of these symptoms much of the time, you have to admit you aren't very happy.

Happiness is an approach to life

Viktor Frankl arrived at some profound conclusions resulting from his experiences in Nazi concentration camps. He concluded that the more a person tried to be happy, the unhappier he or she became.

Instead of trying to be happy, we should be thinking more in terms of becoming spiritually, mentally, socially and physically healthy. This moves us away from becoming increasingly self-centered, and we can begin to understand that there are principles to happiness we can learn.

At this point you may be saying, "But this isn't what I need to be happy; I need a new girlfriend"—or "a new boss" or "more money!"

It's true that other people, places or things can give us temporary happiness. It's also true that other people, or lack of health or deprivation of basic human needs can cause us to suffer and feel unhappy. But if that's all there is to life, then all of us are no more than victims of our environment—jerked back and forth between good times and bad with no control of how we think or feel. Ultimately, happiness is a product of how we think.

Happiness is more a product of attitude than situations. A positive attitude looks for the good, even in the most difficult of situations, while a negative attitude always sees the bad.

Steps on the journey of life

Happiness isn't a destination. It's not as if one day you discover it and it never goes away. It is part of the journey of life. If happiness is a way of thinking, then maybe it's time for some mind surgery. Here are four steps to take every day to help you along the journey of happiness:

1. Take responsibility for your life. We can never be mentally, emotionally or spiritually healthy until we are willing to take responsibility for our own actions, thoughts and emotions. Happiness isn't found by concentrating on yourself—it is discovered in objective truth, not in basing right and wrong on your immediate feelings.

It is discovered in relating to other people. It is discovered in work that uses your talents. It is ultimately discovered in a relationship with your Creator.

2. Learn to control your thoughts. The more a person fills his or her mind with negative thoughts, the unhappier that person will become. Many people waste their entire lives feeling controlled by hurt, hatred, feelings of being a victim, and other negative emotions. We can't always control our environment or what happens to us. We can't even always control how we feel, but we can control what we choose to think about.

3. Learn to be thankful. We can either concentrate on what we don't have or be thankful for what we do have. If we concentrate on what we don't have, we doom ourselves to frustration and unhappiness. Victor Frankl, for example, wrote of finding beauty in the midst of the oppressive bleakness of Auschwitz in a sunset or flower.

There's an old story of an immigrant to America who arrived at Ellis Island, the port of entry in New York, with nothing more than the shirt on his back. He worked hard and eventually had a small business and a nice house, living in relative comfort. He even managed to help his son graduate from college with an MBA.

When the son returned from college he looked at his father's books. The son complained, "How do you even know what is your profit?"

The father replied, "I first take out the cost of the shirt I had on my back when I arrived in this country. Everything else is profit."

How different would your life be if the last things you thought about before going to sleep and first things you thought about when you woke up were all the good things in your life instead of the negative?

4. Ask God to reveal His plan for you. God has created you for a purpose. He wants you to be His child. He wants you to be happy. And He has a marvelous future planned for you if you want it and are willing to accept it.

Change is never easy, but it can be exciting. If you are going to discover and respond to the Creator's purpose for your life, you are going to have to make some radical changes in thinking. It will take effort and dedication, but the rewards are worth it on the journey of life! GN

Knowing yourself...

Giving, Pleasing, Withdrawing and Being Honest

By Susie and Otto Collins

At one time or another, we all withhold from thepeople in our lives, especially in our communicationwith those we love.We usually do it because we don't want to hurtthem--or so the story goes in our heads--and wedo it because we think it's "best" for them.The fact is--we withhold our truth at various timesbecause we are afraid of the other person'sreaction and someplace inside us, we fear thatthe relationship will be changed if say what isreal for us.

Here's a great example of what we mean in amessage that was sent to us this past weekfrom a man in Zimbabwe...

In in his email to us, he was both excited and concerned. He told us that he and his fiance are planningtheir wedding and he is concerned aboutfinancing the kind of celebration that hispartner wants ( he isn't the first person we've heard that from). The problem is that he doesn't want to tell her lies about how he gets the money for the wedding and wants to keep promises to her but they really can't afford what she wants.He says that he really loves her and doesn'twant to disappoint her or "kill her spirit" andhe realizes that if he continues with hisbehavior, he would create a "lifetime problem."While most of us maybe cannot relate to hisspecific situation, we can however relate towithholding a truth because we didn't wantto disappoint a loved one--and perhaps tokeep a promise.

This man is so right to realize that hisbehavior is probably not healthy and willcreate problems in his relationship in thefuture--and we don't think he's just talkingabout his wedding debt.He's probably talking about the destructivepattern he's setting up between him and hisbride to be that could last a lifetime if it isn't squelched now. It's a common one and here's how it usually goes...

"I will find a way to give you what you want,even if it means withholding my truth of thesituation, because I want to please you soyou'll keep loving who you think I am."Sound confusing?This pattern usually is confusing becauseboth people are not coming to the relationshipin the truth of who they are. In a sense, oneor both people are wearing masks that hidewhat's really inside.

What about the recipient of all of this pleasing?When we've coached others in this type ofsituation, a part of the other person certainlyloves being catered to and loved in this way.But another, deeper part feels that the truth iskept from him or her because of an inabilityto "handle" it.In other words, they feel like they aren't enoughwhich is quite the opposite of what the pleaserintends!

If you can relate to any part of this pattern, hereare some suggestions for getting out of it...

1. Look at your motivations and long-term effects

Before you act, stop yourself and think about thelong-term effects of your actions. What is motivatingyou to withhold information? Is it to keep the peace?Is it to keep the love you are currently enjoying?What could be the long-term effects of what youare planning to do or not do? Look at the effectsof holding your truth inside you and not expressingit.

2. Make your choice of action dependant on what values you want your relationship to be based on.If you want your relationship to be based on honesty,you have to practice honesty.

3. Express your truth from what you value ratherthan from your head. In other words, express fromyour heart and not your head.

Here's a head statement..."I think we're spending way too much money onthis wedding although I know that you want a bigwedding."Here's a heart statement..."I want our marriage to be strong and I want usto feel like we can be totally honest with oneanother. I would like for both of us to go overour finances together and how we can havethe best wedding based on what makes sensefor our situation."Is total honesty always necessary?

We say to first look at your motivation.If your motivation is revenge or to hurt someone--and your connection is no longer important to you,find some other way to relieve the stress ofwithholding the information.

You might writing a letter and then burning itif you need to get something off your chest butyour motivation is revenge.

If you want to build or rebuild trust and connectionin a relationship, be honest with who you are andwhat you want.

Withholding builds walls; Honesty shared with conviction of the heart allows the space for true love to grow.

Can you manufacture or create passion?

by Susie and Otto Collins

A common story plot in relationships and marriages goes something like this...Boy meets girl. Boy chases girl. Girl is reluctant.Boy wins over girl and they live in bliss, happilyever after.While that makes for a good story, when you'redealing with real life, it doesn't always work outthat way.The other day, we received a message from awoman who asked if it was possible for her tofall in love with her husband.They had been married for six years andalthough she thinks he is a wonderful, attractiveman and they communicate well together--shedoesn't think she was ever "IN love" with him,although she loves him.

She said that he was (and still is) full of passionfor her but she has no desire to be intimate with him or even kiss him.She said that she wants to stay married and tofeel passion for her husband and was looking for some advice...

This is such a broad and far reaching topic that we couldn't hope to do it justice with this one article.

That being said, we do think the things we share below will certainly give you some new ways you can begin to shift in your relationship if you can relate to any of what this woman is going through in her relationship. While most people would say that they wereIN love when they married, many would say,maybe privately, that they have lost passion for one another and are just going through the motions as the years go by.For any number of reasons, passion hasreceded into the background of theirrelationship.

So the question is--Can you manufacture passion if you loveeach other or does it strictly have to dowith the chemistry that you either have ordon't have together and can lose over time?

We'll say that it certainly helps if thechemistry is there but long-term passionhas a whole lot to do with something else.It has to do with masculine and femininepolarity that creates the spark for eachperson.It also has to do with the desire for more and the willingness to do something about it.
While we certainly advocate couplestreating each other with kindness andlove, that alone doesn't necessarilycreate the passion for intimacy thatmost of us want in our relationships.From what we see both in our dailylives and in the couples we work with in relationship coaching, many people are just going through the motions in their relationship and not consciously creating what it is they want.

Then, one day they wake up and start wondering something like "is this all there is?" Not good. Especially if your relationship or marriage is important to you. So how can you create passion and intimacy if you don't have it even though you love eachother?

Here are a few ideas...
1. Make it your number one priority to create it.

2. Next, read, study and learn everything you can get your hands on to help you expand your thinking, your vision of possibilities as well as your relationship and intimacy skills.

3. On a purely practical note, set it as your goalto create one passionate evening or even one passionate moment a week.Take the time to create a romanticsetting with candles, music or whateverappeals to you. Make your intimacytime an event and not just a routine--"It's Sunday night so it must be love-making time."

4. Women: Be a greater expression of radiance and beauty in the world.Keep in mind that beauty doesn't meanbeing a size 2 and 25 years old. It's allin how you feel about yourself and howmuch of your true essence you allow yourself to express. One way to embrace more of your feminine essence is to dress up in something that flows and "oozes" femininity and sensuality, especiallyfor yourself and your loved one. Try wearing something that is a little bit beyond your comfort zone of what you would normally wear and something you feel pretty wearing.If it makes you a little uncomfortable because you think it's a bit beyond the "real you," then it's probably a good thing in your expansion in your femininity. You're not dressing for the whole world here. You're dressing for yourself and your partner with the purpose of pumping up the passion between the two of you.

5. Men, bring an attitude of honoring her feminine presence to your romanticevent.In the other parts of your life... ask yourself questions like... What is my purpose in life? How can I live my life from that place? If you don't have or can't seem to find adefiniteness of purpose, if you want to embrace more of your masculine essence, then you should consider making it your goal to find your "purposein life."

6. Men and Women: Take the time to connect and touch before intimacy. Relax so that passion can flow.So often we hold ourselves so tightfrom the stresses of the day that there'sno way that energy can flow in yourbody, let alone passion.

7. Focus your thoughts on beingcompletely in the present momentwith your loved one.When your thoughts come in, evenones that say "I'm not feeling anything"or "Let's just get on with this and getit over," gently focus your attentionback on your body and your connectionwith your partner.

8. Shift your state to possibility andtreat it as if you already have thepassion that you want to feel.What if it were possible to feel anattraction and passion for yourpartner?Allow yourself to open enoughthat that possibility might exist.You may even try treating it asif it already is.While there are all sorts of reasonsthat keep us from feeling passion,including past abuses, there areways to begin feeling if you arenow in a safe and lovingrelationship. This is only thebeginning.

Even if you aren't currently in anintimate relationship, beginexperimenting with focusingyour thoughts on the currentmoment and feeling the pleasureof touch.So can you manufacture passion?

Caring: For Outcomes or for Joy

By Margaret Paul
Many people have the ability to truly care and receive joy when caring from the heart. Yet even very caring people sometimes find themselves using caring as a form of control. Take a moment right now to think about a situation today in which you were caring - at home, at work, with a friend, or with someone you don't know such as a salesperson or a waiter. Are you willing to be completely honest with yourself regarding why you were caring? If you are, then go inside and notice if your caring had any outcome attached to it. Is there something you wanted from the other person? Is there some reason you were caring other than caring for the joy of it?

Ask yourself these questions:
Was there some part of me that was trying to control what the other person thought of me? Was I behaving in a caring way to get attention, approval, validation, love, time, or sex?
Was there a part of me hoping that my caring would result in monetary gain? Was I acting caring in the hopes of getting the other person to trust me enough to participate in some way that would bring me more money?

None of us like to think of ourselves as manipulative, yet we all have a part of us that wants control over getting what we want, and we may have learned to use our caring as one form of control.While caring as a form of control may seem to work at times, it will never bring you joy. You might receive approval or sex or money, but something will always seem to be missing from your life. Getting what you believe you want may feel good for the moment, but it will never bring you the deep joy that results when caring from the heart with no agenda or attachment to outcomes.

When we are caring from the heart, we become, as Mother Teresa said, "God's pencil." We are giving to others just for the sake of expressing what is most beautiful about life - caring about each other. Giving to others from an open heart fills the soul with joy.You can express this pure caring only when you are also caring about yourself. If you are not giving yourself the attention, validation, and love that we all need, then you will covertly be trying to get this from others. Others will pick up the "giving to get" energy and may not feel your "caring." In fact, others may even become resistant to receiving your caring because it feels controlling to them - and it is. We can be caring purely for the joy of it only when we are taking 100% responsibility for ourselves - for thinking and behaving in ways that lead to inner safety and a deep sense of self worth. When we are not doing this for ourselves, then we need this from others, and we will be unable to be caring without strings attached.

It is in primary relationships with mates, children, and parents, that our giving to get has the most negative consequences. No one likes to be controlled by others, so when you give with an agenda, you may encounter anger and/or withdrawal. Your loved ones might not even know why they are angry or withdrawn. They just know that something feels bad inside them when you are "caring" about them.While the outward behavior may look exactly the same when you are caring with an agenda or caring for the joy of it, energetically these two intentions feel totally different to others. If others are not responsive to your caring, you might want to honestly look at your intent in being caring.

The Soul Mate Spark

By Susie and Otto Collins
When people talk about finding and keeping thepartner that they truly want to spend their liveswith, the discussion invariably gets around tothe topic of "soul mates."We talk about the soul mate spark because that'swhat we think people are really looking for--thatspecial feeling of connection, like you've "comehome," like you never want to part.

While many people do find this in a partner,including us, there are some pitfalls around thewhole soul mate mystique.One of those pitfalls is the belief that soul matesdon't have conflicts and no major issues to workthrough. They have pure bliss all of the time.We wish this were true but it just isn't for mostof us.

This belief is why some people get so upset anddisenchanted when they find that perfect someonewho they think is a soul mate and it turns sour aftera few months or even weeks.It turns out that there are things about their soulmate that drive them crazy. There are conflictsand the specialness just seems to have disappeared.Our take on soul mates is a little different from themystique and it may help you make more sense out of the whole soul mate and relationship thing.
We believe that there are many soul mates out there for different times in our lives and they come into our lives not only to bring us greater joy but to help us with our personal and spiritual growth.A soul mate agrees to walk with you for awhile tolearn and also teach. A soul mate relationshipis a spiritual bond and the challenges that comeup are the soul lessons that you have agreed tolearn together.
Before you think we've gone a little to far "out there" or "woo-woo" with this one. consider this... Regardless of the kind of relationship you're talking about, if the relationship is truly close and connected-- there's a certain spiritual quality to them. Soul mate kind of relationships are no different.
It's been our experience that when two peoplecome together and it feels like a soul mate kind of experience, it can feel like destiny or some sort of divine intervention has been gifted to you or interceded on your behalf. So what's the soul mate spark?It's that spark of desire to draw closer and connectwith a love and passion that keeps growing throughoutthe years.Is it possible?
We know it is because we and others have it--andwe also believe that you can create it.Here are a few ways...
1. Make a soul mate commitment.
Commit the time and the energy to growing your passionand love for each other. Even 10 minutes a day of trueconnection can help rejuvenate a relationship that wasonce close and now seems disconnected.

2. Kindness matters
We have often seen partners in committed relationshipstreat each other with less respect than they do strangers.Take a fresh look at how you treat those closest to youand treat them as the special soul partners that theytruly are--with kindness and respect.

3. Be curious about yourself and your mate.
When you find yourself being triggered by your partner orthe people closest to you, take a moment and get curiousinstead of reacting. It's easier said than done, we know,but just try it.Get curious enough to just listen to find out what's trulygoing on between you. Listen to what's underneath thedisturbance. What want, need or desire is trying to beexpressed for both of you? Listen from your heart.4. Make one small shift.Ask yourself these questions--"What do I want?" "What do I care about right now?" "Do I want to be right or do I want connection?" What actions or words will bring you closer to rather than further from what you want and what you careabout?One small shift, like simply pausing before youemail someone in anger, can make a big impact on your relationship and can make the difference between keeping your spark alive and letting it die over time.We all choose our partners for different reasons andsome we consider our soul mate and some not.If you want to keep, grow or rekindle the spark betweenyou, start doing a few things each day to nurture it.If you aren't currently with any one you consider tobe a soul mate, you might begin practicing as ifhe or she is with you in the form of the peoplewho are in your life right now.

Five ways resilient people turn life’s disappointments into unexpected blessings and opportunities

By Dr Diana Kirschner

1. Use humor
Research on people who watched funny videos showed they had reduced stress hormones, a boost to the immune system and a reduction in feeling pain. Laughter is a lifts you right out of that downward spiral of negative thoughts and feelings that come with loss. Look for the funny angle.

2. Find a mentor
This is what totally changed my life. As young adult I never wanted or expected to marry anyone because I had only seen battles and unhappiness in my parent’s marriage. I was caught in deadly dating patterns, being a hermit or taking crumbs and wanting the guys who didn’t want me. But then I got a love mentor who taught me that love was possible and how to create it. This was the beginning of the program in my book Love in 90 Days. And using those principles I took a left turn—here I am 180 degrees opposite from what I imagined–in a loving marriage to a guy who is my best friend for over 25 years!

3. Use a positive focus
Research is very clear that even after they have faced a serious life-changing event resilient people focus on positive thoughts and feeling that might come up—whether it is a moment of peacefulness, calmness or delight over a visit from a child or the beauty of a flower. They feel their anger, fear and depression, but they also experience whatever positive feelings come up. Even the most difficult circumstances can be seen in a more positive way. If your husband suddenly up and left, are you free to pursue your passion for painting now? Put your attention on the door to creativity and fun that is opening up for you.

4. Find and enjoy the hidden benefits
What is freeing about your new situation? How are you better off as a person? Now that you are divorced can you go on a shopping spree without having to fight a battle over it? What is going to be good about this situation? If you just broke up with a person who is very critical and demeaning, are you already starting to feel a little better about yourself?

5. Work on new goals
Resilient people don’t dwell in the past, and constantly think about what was lost. They use the steps we just talked about to be forward-looking and choose new goals that bring a measure of hope and happiness. If you are suddenly single, start poking around a few online dating sites. Take a chance and go out on a blind date with your neighbor’s friend. Set some new dating goals for yourself, even though it’s absolutely the last thing you want to do. Shifting your attention will get you out of your slump. Really.

Excuse Me, Are You Paying Attention?

By Grace L. Judson

Okay, I admit it: the weekly staff meeting is tedious, so the temptation to make your "to do" list for the upcoming weekend is understandably strong. And after all, everyone else in the room is gazing out the window, doodling, or making similar lists, right?While you may or may not be in a position to change the energy and pace of the staff meeting, you are in a position to bring your attention - your full attention - to everything you do. In this multi-tasking world where answering email while on the phone is the norm rather than the exception, this is certain to have a noticeable effect. Your manager, peers, employees, friends, and family won't be able to put their finger on the change, but they'll be pleasantly intrigued by how much better you understand them and how much more they trust you, rely on you, and respect you."Be here now" has become a cliche. But have you ever experienced it fully? It's surprisingly difficult to truly be here now. Thoughts intrude. Plans for tomorrow, things you have to finish today, the argument you had with your partner last night, the weird ticking noise your car is making, your friend's struggle with her job - a thousand things clamor for your attention, none of them having the slightest pertinence to what you're doing right now. All of them distract you so you don't hear your boss's tone of voice, you miss the importance of a client's request, and you overlook the expression on your employee's face. You may think that without multitasking, you'll never get everything done. I challenge that belief! It's my experience, and that of my clients, that much of the multitasking we all do is not only unnecessary but also counter-productive. Even if you prefer flitting from task to task, when you stick to just one task at any given time you'll be far more productive, and produce a higher-quality result, than if you're doing two or three things at once, giving each only partial attention.

Learning How
It's both surprisingly difficult and surprisingly easy to completely focus on what you're doing in the moment. I'm sure you've experienced the easy times of complete focus, when you're in the flow, enjoying yourself (even if what you're doing is difficult or hard work), and creating great results. And I'm equally sure you've experienced the hard times like that staff meeting, where your attention wants to be anywhere but where you are.What about the in-between times? That's where learning how to keep yourself in the moment is most valuable, because that's when you're most likely to be unaware that you're not paying attention.That's the first step: notice where your mind is. Don't beat yourself up if you catch your mind wandering; just notice, and then return your attention to what's right in front of you.If that's a face-to-face conversation, you may notice that you're thinking about your response while the other person is still talking.If it's a phone conversation, you may notice that you're checking email or playing Solitaire on your computer.If it's a moment alone, perhaps over breakfast before you rush out the door to work, you may notice that you're reading the paper and have no idea what you're tasting.

Bring your attention back to what the other person is saying, in person or on the phone; let go of creating your answer until he or she has finished speaking. (And, as one client of mine did in acknowledgement of her addiction, remove the games from your computer!)Put down your book or newspaper and taste what you're eating. You'll not only experience a whole new range of sensations (food has texture, temperature, and aroma as well as taste, after all), but you may find that you start losing weight as you notice that you've had enough instead of continuing to eat after you're full. And after all, what's the point of eating a triple-ginger cookie if you don't fully experience its chewiness, the warmth of the ginger, and the crunch of the crystallized bits?To practice, take fifteen minutes to sit outside or - if the weather isn't cooperating - inside where you have a good view. Set a timer so you aren't always checking to see if your time is up. And then just watch - are there birds? A cat crossing the street? What are your neighbors doing? What patterns do the clouds make in the sky, and the trees or buildings against the horizon?And notice when your attention starts to wander. It will. You'll find yourself thinking about what you're going to do when the fifteen minutes is up. You'll wonder why in the world you're doing this. Plans for the evening or the next day will bubble up in your mind. Notice. And gently but persistently bring your attention back to what's in front of you right now. It's great practice for the next time you're in the middle of something crucial at work that really needs all your attention.

Why Bother?

Giving someone your full attention - whether that someone is your boss, a co-worker, a friend or family member, the clerk at the grocery store, or your self - is a real gift of respect to that person. You will reap the rewards of increased trust, better results from your interactions, and fewer misunderstandings and mistakes of communication. And every now and then you'll experience a truly luminous moment of beauty that, if you hadn't been paying attention, you would have missed.Try paying full attention - and let me know your experience!"There are no ordinary moments!" Dan Millman, 1946 - , American champion gymnast, motivational author and speaker.

How To Handle Insults That Trigger Your Temper

by Jeff Cohen

Each of us has a different point where "pissed off" finally ignites our temper. But what we sometimes don't realize is that the event which triggers your temper flare up may just be a laughing matter to someone else in the same situation. Because of this, you may have felt insulted by a joke or a comment by somebody when it was not meant to be taken that seriously. It could even be a deliberate action that caused you embarrassment – like a practical joke that you didn’t find the slightest bit funny. They might say you’re too uptight, thin-skinned or over-reacting but that’s you’re prerogative. For better relations with your friends or co-workers though, here are some ways to handle insults just a little better:

Tell them that you don’t like what they did. It doesn't matter if it was an off-color joke or comment in the spirit of a funny moment. Say it calm & rational. Don't be the first to raise the level of tension. Always stand by your principles. If you’ve made it a point not to dignify stupid jokes or be subjected to humiliating dares, stick by it.

If you can’t voice your concerns and comments right then and there, show your displeasure. Get up or walk away. Even a serious frown or a lift of an eyebrow can ‘shout’ what you want. No one can be so oblivious as not to notice your actions! Sometimes, it’s even a better way to stop the trash talk – a visual reminder to the instigator that he or she is getting out of hand. Most people will be shamed by that into stopping altogether.

If it’s possible, avoid the other person or group. That way, you won’t have to tolerate their brand of senseless humor. You won’t even have to stretch your people skills to the limit. You can also start going out or be friendly with a much nicer person or group to ease up the social pressure in being with this rowdy group.

If it’s not possible for you to avoid them – let’s say for example, they’re you’re co-workers or worse, one of the managers, try to limit social time with them. Stick to work-related talk or casual “what’s the weather like?” kind of conversations. Sooner or later they’ll get the hint. As a last resort, request for a transfer and just cite some plausible reasons for it.

Insults might be minor but it still should be taken into account. If you feel slighted or insulted, don’t allow anyone to belittle it. Handle it with care and always remember that you are worthy of respect as much as the other person. Flying off the handle quickly doesn't help anyone.

Top 11 Principles To A Successful Life

by Jeff Cohen

Success is not just reserved for a chosen few. Everyone, yes everyone, has the capacity to be successful in every area of his or her life. Success results from cultivating certain habits and sticking to them.

Consistency is a must. Successful people have a certain type of personality. Successful people think in a particular way, talk in a particular way and act in a particular way.

Do you want to be successful too? Here are 11 principles of success that are bound to help you if you follow them.

1. Develop a clear vision of what exactly you want to achieve in your life. Carry this vision in your mind at all times. This is the starting point to success.

2. Believe without any doubt that you will achieve your dreams.

3. Stay away from negative influences such as negative people, books, articles, etc. Surround yourself with things that boost your belief in yourself and your future success.

4. Take responsibility for your future. Do not depend on anybody. Take responsibility for your life and don't doubt success.

5. Make a habit of repeating positive affirmations. Speak out your affirmations in present tense as opposed to future tense. Writing down affirmations is even more effective. This helps your mind stay fixed and focused on your goals. This is also a good way to build your self-confidence and deepen your beliefs.

6. Make a firm commitment to action. Once you decide to take action, stay committed and never give up! Once you deter from commitment, your belief becomes shaky and unstable. If this happens, your efforts will collapse like a deck of cards. You will have wasted all the time and energy you invested in your efforts. So stay committed.

7. Set a specific goal. If you know what you really want to achieve, you need to define it by making it a goal. Set specific goals. Your goals should be precise, measurable, realistic and timed.

8. Work out a plan of action. Break down your plan into smaller tasks or units. Do your task in smaller steps. Take one step or two each day while reminding yourself that each step is taking you closer to your goal. Your actions should be filled with faith, determination and purpose. Consistency is vital to reach your goal.

9. Never give up until you have achieved what you desire. Persistence is the key to success. Treat every failure as a learning opportunity. But push yourself towards your goal with stronger faith.

10. Maintain an attitude of gratitude, realizing that your dream is becoming a reality. Look around you and be grateful for things that you already have such as a home, loving family, etc. Just stay grateful.

11. Be a giver - give your time, money and service to others. Be kind and generous to all.

Now you know the principles of success. Act on it with faith and persistence - and never give up!

Can You Divorce Your Inner Critic?

By Carolyn B. Ellis

Have you ever wondered if it's possible to divorce your inner critic? You know that questioning, nagging little voice inside you that is never at a loss to point out your flaws, highlight your doubts and cross-examine you on your decisions? If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's the part of you that just asked you "What inner critic is she talking about?"

After you separate or divorce, the most important tool you have at your disposal is your mindset. What are you thinking? What are you telling yourself? Is your goal to "survive" your divorce? Do you feel like you're a failure or "damaged goods"? Your thoughts have a powerful impact on your reality and so it's imperative that we learn to choose our thoughts more consciously.

Most human beings engage in ongoing self-talk. The rare exception might be those few enlightened masters who meditate on a mountaintop for 14 hours a day. Getting separated or divorced exposes how programmed you are to your own negative internal dialogue. In my case, there was nothing like having a 20-year relationship crumble to turn up the volume on the internal, self-critical thoughts I'd been carrying around my whole life, but never really noticed before. I wondered how I could divorce myself from this inner critic.

Dr. Lee Pulos, noted clinical psychologist at the University of British Columbia, estimates that we self-talk between 150-300 words per minute. That works out to an astonishing 45,000-50,000 thoughts per day that we use to tell ourselves what we think about what's going on! He estimates that the average person can only last for about 11 seconds without some kind of self-talk. For many of us, a lot of that self-talk is negative - particularly when we've experienced some kind of setback, like a separation or divorce. Dr. Pulos asserts people put themselves in a "waking hypnosis" with this incessant stream of negative self-talk. We're literally laying down programming in our consciousness that beats us up and sets us up for failure and dissatisfaction.

Of course it's not possible to divorce your inner critic. It's part of our psychological design that's intended to keep us safe and have us pause before we act. It actually has great value in exposing to us some of our limiting beliefs and unconscious programming that holds us back. To partner more effectively with that inner critic, here are some easy strategies you can try.

1. You Don't Have to Know
Your mind can only know what it has already known or experienced. Life offers us possibilities much broader than we can possibly "know" if we're open to seeing them. You don't know what you don't know. And that is good news! All you need is a willingness to stay open and view your mistakes as wonderful learning opportunities. Get curious and ask yourself, "What can I learn from this?" Give yourself some time for quiet so you can hear that still, wise voice of your intuition.

2. Tune into Your Inner Dialogue
Awareness is the critical ingredient to building a more empowering mindset. Break the state of "waking hypnosis" and choose new thoughts that support you. It might require some practice, but it is a conscious choice you can make. If you hear your inner critic getting nasty with you, simply say "Thank you for sharing!" or "Sure, but I deserve to have a great life anyway!" Try walking around with a notebook and jot down some of the dialogue you hear in your head. You may be shocked at how quickly those nagging doubts will clear.

3. Don't Take it Personally
Everyone has an inner critic. Realize that it's just trying to protect you. You can even visualize that part of you as a cranky old great-aunt, or as a scared little child, who just needs to talk a lot. Having negative internal dialogue doesn't mean that you are flawed or incapable.

4. Take A Baby Step
Have you broken a promise to yourself or fallen back into some old habits you don't like? That is like giving your inner critic its daily multivitamin. First, be willing to forgive yourself. Second, take action. Don't ruminate and "think about" what you could have done or should be doing. What is one concrete step you could take right now to take you in the direction you want to go? Find something specific and measurable you could act upon right now. The energy and confidence you'll feel from accomplishing that one step, no matter how big or small, will be great fuel to get you started and quiet the voice of your inner critic.

Want Love And Respect? How To Create Healthy, Happy Relationships

By Beth Banning and Neill Gibson
Are there some relationships in your life that just take more work to maintain than you're enjoying? Do you find yourself wanting to be compassionate and be able to listen in a caring way but it's just not supporting you and the kind of life you want to have? We agree that nurturing love and respect is an all-important task in creating healthy family relationships or any relationships for that matter. But what happens when one party isn’t cooperating? How is it possible to get along and create a healthy relationship when one person refuses to, or for some reason can’t, put forth the effort to cooperate in the process?How do you create love and respect in a relationship when the other person isn't supporting the process? If you're like most people, you care a great deal about the people you're in some kind of relationship with. You might want to be compassionate and be able to listen to them in a caring way, but it might seem like the other person isn't trying to help the situation or that they're being negative or interacting in less than productive ways. Does any of this sound familiar? If so you're probably feeling confused, frustrated, and perhaps even guilty about not being able to be nicer to this person you care about.

Misunderstanding compassion
We believe these feelings come from misunderstanding the true meanings of compassion and caring. Here’s what we mean: in many people's minds empathy and compassion are often associated with self-sacrifice or selflessness. People think that if you are a compassionate person you ALWAYS behave compassionately and are able to listen caringly – no matter how you feel. This can be especially difficult when embroiled in a relationship that is creating hurt feelings and other kinds of emotional pain. The notion that one should be selfless and just sacrifice their feelings for the sake of getting along is far from the truth as we see it. Most people want to cultivate compassion and learn empathic listening to enhance their relationships, to create closeness and understanding. This can only happen when you actually want to do this, when empathizing with the other person is the most wonderful thing you can imagine doing in that moment. Also, empathy is not just something we offer other people. We find that many people don't understand how to use self-empathy – listening caringly to yourself. Yet it's a vital ingredient in learning to understand yourself in order to stay true to what's most important to you. And these are essential building blocks for creating closeness and understanding with others.

Empathy is not always beneficial
If you attempt to listen empathically to another person when you would much rather be doing something else, two things are likely to happen. First, you'll probably feel resentment and become judgmental about that person and their behavior. This happens because you're not being honest with yourself; you'd rather be doing something else but because of some idea that you should listen compassionately to this person no matter what, you go against your own desires. When this happens, it is easy to begin blaming them for the lack of happiness you feel with thoughts such as, if they would only ... stop complaining, think positively, get a different job, stop being so negative, get some friends ... or any number of other ideas you believe would help the relationship. Second, whenever you listen to someone with these kinds of negative thoughts running around in your head, they are sure to detect the resentment and judgmental attitude sooner or later. This will create just the opposite of the understanding and closeness you hope for and will continue to tear down any hope of a healthy, happy relationship.

Following, NOT sacrificing, your feelings

In dealing with a situation like this start by giving yourself permission NOT to empathize, not to just throw your emotional pain out the window in the spirit of self sacrifice. Be honest with yourself about how you feel and what's most important to you in each moment. Never attempt to be empathetic unless it's the most wonderful thing you can imagine doing in that moment. We suggest you start using your emotions as your guide in knowing when to empathize and when to step away. Being true to what would give you joy in the moment is one of the most important first steps you can take not only to get along, but to create the closeness and understanding you want.When you begin to be more honest with yourself about how you are and what you want, it's easier to accept others as they are. This is the key to saving your relationship if it’s lacking love and respect. Practicing this requires many more understandings and skills than we can go into here. However, we would like to offer you two practical exercises we believe will improve a situation in which one party is not able to cooperate in the way you want them to.

Exercise One:
Since we're positive that What You Focus Your Attention on Grows, we recommend you begin making lists of the other party’s positive qualities, the things you enjoy about them, what you are grateful for about them. These can be things from the past or present, and nothing is too small to include. When you've completed the initial list, any time you feel uncomfortable or hear yourself beginning to judge the other person, take out your list and read it. When you're done reading it, add at least one more thing to the list.

Exercise Two:
Cultivate more joy in your life. To do this you must be very clear about what is most important to you. You can download our free Values Exercise as a starting place. Use this exercise to discover what you value most deeply in specific situations – what qualities bring joy to your life. Once you do the exercise and have narrowed your list of values down to the three qualities that would bring you the most joy in your current situation, come up with at least two things that you can start doing right now that will help you experience more of these qualities in your life.For example, if you do the values exercise and find that connection with people brings you a lot of joy, you might come up with a list of friends you can call when you're not able to get the quality of connection you want from the troubling relationship. If you find that play and exercise are important, plan ways you can have more play or exercise with your children or friends. This shift in your relationship starts when you realize that your happiness does not depend on others’ actions and that you can stay true to yourself and find alternative ways to experience what you value. We are confident that this shift will help you have less resentment and dissatisfaction, will greatly improve your ability to be compassionate and listen empathically, and boost the love and respect of experience in all your relationships.

So let's recap:

1. Pay more attention to how you are and what you want most (Practice Self Empathy).

2. Focus more on what you can be grateful for about the other party.

3. Take responsibility for bringing the qualities that cultivate joy into your life.

Are your friends hurting your relationship?

By Dr. Richard Nicastro
You exist within a web of relationships. For instance, if your friend is going through tough times, you may find yourself feeling an emotional heaviness throughout the day, thinking and worrying about your friend. As this colors your mood, your partner may start to notice that lately you've been preoccupied and down. Since emotions are contagious, this will impact your partner in some way and her/his interactions with others may now be different as a result of what your friend shared with you. How is this relevant to your marriage or relationship? Your relationship exists within a larger social context, and your friends, coworkers, family, and even the society in which you live can directly or indirectly impact your relationship. Think of your relationship as one link on a never-ending chain of connectedness.This was evident with two couples I recently coached:

A brief story of relationship isolation:
Tad and Wanda have lived together for a little over a year and during a recent coaching session, Wanda complained that "all of our friends seem to be getting divorced or breaking up. It's depressing and makes me think there's something wrong with me for trying to make my relationship work. When I try to talk to my friends about a fight I had with Tad, they just tell me to 'find someone better-suited to you,' or 'relationships are overrated anyway.' The whole 'there are lots of fish in the sea' mindset isn't helpful when I'm trying to make my relationship work now." Tad and Wanda lack the couple-to-couple support that is vital for a sustainable, long-term relationship. They both struggle with feeling like the "oddball couple" in a sea of failed relationships (and they don't have any single friends who are pro-relationship)—and both acknowledged that this was starting to negatively impact their union.

A brief story of marital support:
Molly and Jeff have been together for eleven years. Both are retired and have been active participants in their local community and volunteer for numerous causes. This involvement has offered them opportunities to develop friendships and socialize with other couples. Molly joked that their friends "saved our marriage on at least two occasions" because of the support they offered Molly. She shared, "If Jeff and I are going through a difficult time, for whatever reason, I don't feel alone. I have at least two other women I can talk to who have been through difficult times but they're still happily married…I know I'm not alone in my struggles and that makes a world of difference. And I have a few single friends who are supportive of my relationship and committed relationships in general, even though they're not in one now. All that encouragement among my friends really helps whenever I start to worry that the challenges of a romantic relationship might be too much for me."

The need for relationship support
Couples love to hear about other couples who have successful relationships. Have you ever noticed how people in relationships are happy to learn that a famous couple is in it for the long haul? Many couples feel validated to discover that their favorite movie star or musician has resisted the temptations that come with fame and are committed to one person. Notice your reaction the next time you hear that people you know and/or admire are splitting up. Couples root for other couples—there is an unspoken, cosmic connection, a sense that we're in this together. If Brad and Angelina can make their relationship work, and your neighbors and friends can make their relationships work, you end up feeling more hopeful that you can make your own work.

Seek Out Relationship Support
Relationship support comes in many forms and the first step is to look in your own backyard. Make a list of all the individuals and couples you know and admire: family, friends, teachers, community leaders, local organizations or church members. You might be surprised to learn that there are people in your life that have been married or together for a long time (and feel lucky to be with the same person). These couples can be an emotional resource for you and your partner. Would you consider asking them about their relationship, especially what has worked for them? Are you willing to seek their support when you (or your partner) need advice or guidance? We all need relationship mentors—couples who have successfully navigated the complicated interpersonal terrain that comes with committed relationships. This doesn’t mean you should overlook friends not currently in relationships as potential sources of support. Often single friends who understand and celebrate you and your relationship can be a safe place to go to when you need a different perspective or just need to vent.

Don't overlook the vast relationship wisdom that surrounds you.
Many couples like spending time with other couples. If most of your friends seem to be in dire relationship straits or your friends' values regarding commitment differ from your own, you need to expand your social network—seek out couples you and your partner can socialize with, couples dedicated to making their own relationships work. The goal of expanding your couples-support-system doesn't mean you have to abandon your current friends because they aren't in a relationship or their relationship is in trouble—it means that you enrich your circle of friends to include those that believe in the benefit of a long-term, committed relationship and will help support you in yours. It might seem like a paradox that you can be with someone you deeply love, yet still feel isolated. Often couples assume feeling isolated means there is something wrong with their relationship—while this can be an indication that there are problems that need to be addressed, it can also be an indication that your relationship is surrounded by negativity and a lack of support. No matter how strong your relationship might seem, you and your partner do not exist in a vacuum. When you establish the goal of building a support network for your relationship, you have taken an important step in buffering the damaging effects of relationship-isolation.Is your relationship worth protecting? Are you ready to make your marriage everything it can be?

How Will I Know I Am In Love?

by Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

In our many interviews with people “in love” we ask them, perhaps, the most revealing question of the interview – “How will I know I am in love?” We have heard very consistent answers. And conversely, many people involved in a new loving relationship, particularly young people, often ask us, “How do I know if I am in love?” We think we know the answer.

While we have heard a number of answers to our “How do you know you are in love” question, we can place them in seven categories. And, perhaps surprisingly, they have stayed the same over our 25 years of research on couples in love. Here they are, in a nutshell.

The first category is physical. People who say they are in love report getting “goosebumps,” “a palpating heart,” “sweaty palms,” “a lump in my throat,” “teary-eyed when I say goodbye,” “a tingling sensation all over my body,” and the like. People in love have a positive physical reaction when they think about or see the one they love in person.

The second category is emotional. When they think about or see the person they love most lovers report similar feelings – “I laugh more often when I am with the person I love,” “an uncontrollable smile comes over my face whenever I see her,” and “I miss him when he leaves the room.” People in love feel emotions for the person they love that they do not routinely feel for others.

The third category is positive worry. Over the years, we continue to be amazed about the consistency with which people in love report to us that they “worry about their lover” when they are not around. Little thoughts of what we have come to call “positive worry” about the one they love begins to creep into their mind – things like car accidents, falling down, getting hurt at work, and getting sick. The folks we interview for the most part do not worry compulsively or negatively. These thoughts are normal and natural when you are “in love.”

The fourth category is what we call the I-cannot-imagine-life-without-her category. This is the point in love when you begin to think about the future – your future with the one you love. When you cannot imagine your life without him, you are in love!

The fifth category focuses on the oneness of your relationship. You begin to realize that you truly want this other person in your life. You want to be with them. You want to share with them. You want to live with them, share a bed with them, hold them and hug them. In our book, we refer to the notion of “turning two into one.” You actually begin to think about the one you love and not just about yourself or your needs. You think about theirs – their wants, their needs, and their desires. When the feeling of oneness consumes your body you are in love!

The sixth category is about pre-occupied love. Simply stated, you think about the one you love most of the time. You can’t get them out of your mind. You pull their photo out of your wallet and you smile. You are pre-occupied with them. When you are pre-occupied with them, you are in love with them!

The seventh and final category is love itself and your ability to express that love. You finally have the courage to tell them you love them! You miss them when they are not around. You worry about them. You care about their safety and welfare. You feel about them in ways you have never felt about another human being before. You suddenly and out of nowhere are inspired to say I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! You shout it to the stars. You are in love!

When Am I Ready To Get Married?

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

his morning we had a delightful radio interview with a Pennsylvania radio station about our research on successful marriage. We have done a ton of these interviews since our book Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of a Successful Marriage came out earlier this year, and we enjoyed them immensely.

It is always a pleasure to share the “secrets” of successful marriage with our interviewer and his or her audience. Sometimes we answer questions from the listeners, sometimes just from the host of the show, and at times from both. In this business, you learn pretty quickly to talk on your feet as the questions often come rapid-fire, many of them are questions you’ve never heard before, and the time to answer them is usually quite short.

Fortunately, over time we have developed the “gift of gab.” And, because we know our subject quite well based on our 26 years of research on successful marriage, most of our answers are easily retrievable from wherever it is stored in our respective brains!

This morning we got a question we have gotten before in some form or another, but not as directly or succinctly as the host asked it. His question – “When am I ready to get married?”

Over the years we have written about “How will I know I am in love?” We have waxed on about “the core values of successful marriage.” And more often than we can remember, we have encouraged those in love to take our scientifically based marriage quiz to determine their “marriage compatibility.” But the truth is, we have never directly addressed this important question. So today, we will do our best to share with you what we believe to be the answer to the question, “When am I ready to get married?”

First of all, the foundation of any successful marriage is love. Oh, sure, there are marriages of convenience, marriages based on religious or cultural customs (i.e., others determine who is married to whom), and marriages based on whim (think Las Vegas!). But the simple truth is, most all successful marriages that stand the test of time, begin with love. So ingredient number one is, be in love.

The second ingredient is what we have come to call the “core values of successful marriage.” Successfully married couples must share the same core values of love. Agreement on the core values is essential to building a healthy, happy, and long-lasting relationship. All too often, however, folks get married before they have honestly and truthfully determined the compatibility of their core value systems. Then guess what, they discover that all of the dreams and aspirations they have about their marriage aren’t possible because the foundation of their relationship has cracks even before they start trying to build a life together. Core values matter and when they are incompatible, marriage should be reconsidered because later on, these differences will, more than likely, cause the marriage to crumble. Core values such as integrity, trustworthiness and unconditional love do matter.

Our advice is, two adults contemplating marriage should never delude themselves into thinking that their respective core value systems will change over time. They rarely do. Don’t overlook the differences. Don’t fool yourself into believing that you can “change him” or “change her.” From what we know about personality development, adults are pretty much what they are. Many marriages that fail do so because the core values are not compatible. To think otherwise is to set yourself up for heartbreak further down the road of life.

The third ingredient associated with knowing if you are ready to get married or not is very, very simple. As we have said over and over in our many writings and interviews, simple things matter! Successful marriage is an accumulation of doing the simple things.

When you are contemplating marriage you should start to pay very close attention to the one you think you love. Do they do the simple things day in and day out, or not?

Here’s a question to ask yourself, does he always get in line first at the fast-food restaurant to give his food order even though you, your parents, and others are in line with you? Does he open doors for you or does he go through the door first while he lets you fend for yourself? Does she want to tell you about her day but shows no interest in your day? You see, showing respect is a simple thing – and it is easily observable. There is nothing complicated about it. If the one you purport to love is rarely respectful towards you, trust us on this – it will not get better with time. Observe the actions and deeds of the one you are thinking about marrying. Actions and deeds trump words every time!

Simple things matter, and the simple truth is if you do not see the behaviors you want and expect from the one you are thinking of marrying, it will only get worse over time.

Deciding if you are ready to get married begins with love. Agreement on the “core values” of marriage will grow the love, and doing the simple things day in and day out will sustain the love. These simple truths should be self-evident. Learn and understand these simple truths today and you too can celebrate your Golden Anniversary.

Love well!