Five Easy Ways to Prevent Problems in Your Marriage

by Kim Reutzel

What plans have you made to have a successful marriage? Couples plan and plan for a wonderful wedding, yet how many give much thought and effort into how to plan for a lasting and loving until death do us part marriage?

Tips to ponder!

1. Have realistic expectations for your marriage: I have heard marriage compared to eating with chopsticks; it looks easy until you try it. The honeymoon feeling can cover up some of the things you may find irritating later in marriage. If I could tell married couples only one thing, it would be without a doubt, to expect their marriage to be different than they had planned and thought it would be. Unrealistic expectations can ruin the hopes and dreams of what is really just a normal stage of getting to know each other better in a healthy relationship. Those dreamy eyes of your partner can excuse the fact that they are regularly late to go out to dinner and those magical kisses can dismiss a messy house that later makes you want to blow a gasket. Knowing ahead of time you will have growing pains throughout your marriage will help when you notice these little things bothering you.

2. Commit to lifelong relationship: Make this decision right now for your relationship and it will help when you are faced with disappointing times in your marriage. A strong marriage is not build only on happiness (although there will be much of that), it is built on a commitment to one another. Your spouse is going to change physically and emotionally and you will change in their eyes also. Make a commitment to your spouse to help them through the sicknesses, financial stresses, disagreements and unforeseen issues that can end up strengthening a loving bond as you tackle them together.

3. Realize you were made differently: It is easy to see our physical differences. He wears a size 11 men’s shoe and you wear a size 8 women’s shoe. We do not expect our spouses to wear our clothes and shoes; we accept that we were made different on the outside. However, in a marriage we can get mixed up into thinking we should each want to snuggle, kiss, socialize, spend money and look at situations the same. God has given each of us special characteristics to fulfill the purpose of our life. Understand we were made to think and act differently and there will be times in your marriage you will have differences of opinions and a friendly lets just agree to disagree attitude will be needed to lighten the air.

4. Have a plan to resolve conflict. It is important when faced with a conflict to have a workable tool designed to help you through your issues. In my book, Kissing and Cooking for Couples, I compare this process to a game of best ball in golf. Even though I only play golf occasionally I believe it is a great example. In the golf game two people are a team, (just like in marriage) using each other’s strengths (or balls) to win the game. You play off each other’s best shots. The same is true in compromising. You both throw out ideas and use each other’s best points to move on. When you get the ball in the hole you both win no matter who makes the shot. When you come to a workable compromise, you both win, no matter who came up with the idea. You don’t win by challenging each other; you win by working off each other’s strengths. You either both win in marriage or you both lose. (Kissing and Cooking for Couples provides a detailed seven-step process to get from a conflict to a compromise.)

5. Spend quality time together: We live in a busy world. We are busy working, watching TV, on the computer, spending time with the kids, doing chores, enjoying our hobbies along with many other things that occupy our time. How many of us have had best friends that are now past acquaintances because we didn’t stay in touch? Plan to spend special time each week alone. Go out for dinner, a movie, a motorcycle ride, swing in a hammock, go for a romantic walk, kiss and cook together, or just simply do something that will lighten your spouses load. Don’t let other less important things get in the way of your relationship, and if you feel they are more important than re-evaluate what is really important to you and your family. I believe the old saying is still true: we don’t realize what we have until it’s gone.

Marriage is a great and rewarding gift to be shared with the one you love, but it is also one of the hardest things you will ever experience. Knowing that almost 50% of today’s marriages end in divorce can give you the head start into realizing that couples don’t only need to plan for a wonderful wedding, but also for a wonderful marriage. I suggest reading at least two relationship books per year. Here are a few I have really enjoyed: The Five Love Languages, The Love Dare, and of course, my new book Kissing and Cooking for Couples. Learn all you can from others and incorporate what fits into your marriage.

We can mistake love as a magical thing; it simply happens because it’s love. Yet we have been told over and over again by speakers and on plaques: “Love is kind, patient, doesn’t envy and doesn’t seek its own way.” Hmm, sounds like there is something for us to consider in our own behavior for its success. Have a ritual on Friday mornings while driving to work – reflect about how you’re doing with enhancing the romance in your life. So, start planning the daily kisses, talks, hugs, and other surprises to start a fulfilling life with the one you have chosen to share your life with.

Blessed Living and Loving, Kim Reutzel
Best selling author of Kissing and Cooking for Couples, a recipe to add spice and romance to your relationship in and out of the kitchen. Essentially two books in one, it includes both tips to a heavenly relationship and 12 date nights. For more information visit. www.kissingandcooking.com

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Divorce: So-Called Mistakes Are Life Lessons

by Shelley Stile

Your divorce is not a failure or a mistake. People miss an incredible opportunity to learn, grow and change for the better when they view their divorce through the lens of failure. A so-called failure is actually a lesson in how not to do something and an invaluable tool for doing things right and in your self-interest in the future.

I am presently immersed in my second reading of a marvelous book entitled, ‘The Tender Bar’ by J.R. Moehringer. I want to quote a few lines wherein the author, in attempting to write a book, discovers something powerful:

“Above all I suffered from a naive view that writing should be easy. I thought words were to come unbidden. The idea that errors were steppingstones to truth never occurred to me, because I absorbed the ethos that errors were nasty little things to be avoided, and misapplied that ethos to the novel I was attempting. When I wrote something wrong I always took it to mean that something was wrong with me, and when something was wrong with me I lost my nerve, my focus, my will.”

Life, like writing, is not easy. Fact. Errors are steppingstones to the truth and the truth is the steppingstone to personal growth, enlightenment, positive forward action and change for the better. Thomas Edison, the inventor of the electric light bulb, amongst many other inventions, said it perfectly: “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” Each time he found a way that didn’t work he moved closer to what would work and his eventual triumph. So too with a divorce.

Our divorce holds great wisdom. When we are ready, we can uncover this wisdom and it will benefit us immensely. In my work as a Divorce Recovery Coach, I am constantly amazed at the impact of these revelations on my client’s lives. Time and time again, what initially looked like failure or a misstep reveals itself to be a powerful tool for both their recovery from the pain of divorce as well as a guide to moving forward in life.

Let me give you an example. Upon examination, Sara came to see that from the very beginning of her relationship with her husband, she had deep misgivings. She knew in her gut that things were not quite right and yet she went ahead and got married. Throughout her marriage, the signs were there and yet she chose not to confront them. When her marriage ended she was devastated. After a time and much reflection, she came to see that she had not trusted her own intuition. Sarah did not trust herself and never had. The greatest gift she received from her divorce was to learn to honor her own inner wisdom and intuition. She learned to trust herself and thereby gained the self-respect and confidence that she desperately wanted and needed.

Do you remember our parents telling us to do as I say and not as I do? Did that work? Probably not. We learn best when we experience things for ourselves. It is the best way to teach children: learning by doing. Unfortunately, this means that more often than not, we do not absorb a lesson until we have experienced it directly. It takes a crisis, a good smack on the head to awaken us. Then, if we choose to use the crisis as a learning tool, that learning will become imbedded in our psyche.

Your divorce, like most of life’s experiences, will be a wasted opportunity to be a better and happier person if you do not use it as such. As the writer William Saroyan said: “ Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure.”

Look at your marriage and divorce and be brutally honest with yourself. Drop your self-righteous positions and your need to be right so that you can discover the truths and gifts of your divorce. Don’t miss out on these life lessons. Take these truths and search for the lessons that are waiting for you. I guarantee that what you will learn about yourself are not necessarily indigenous to just your marriage. They are probably related to the emotional baggage you have carried around for a very long time. We now get to address those things that have been obstacles throughout our lives.

I always hated the adage that when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Too damn corny, right? Yet in this case, it is fitting.

The Marriage Map

by Michele Weiner-Davis

As a long-time observer of relationships, I can tell you that, like children, marriages go through different developmental stages and predictable crises. But because people are unfamiliar with the normal hills and valleys of marriage, these predictable transitional periods are often misunderstood, causing over-reactions. Those who manage to weather these universal stormy periods usually come out the other side with greater love and commitment to their spouses. That's why I want to offer you a Marriage Map.

Stage One- Passion prevails
Head over heels in love, you can't believe how lucky you are to have met your lover. Much to your amazement, you have so much in common: you enjoy the same hobbies, music, restaurants and movies. You can finish each other's sentences. When you pick up the phone to call your partner, he or she is already on the line calling you. When little, annoying things pop up, they're dismissed and overlooked.

At no other time in your relationship is your feeling of well being and physical desire for each other as intense as it is during this romantic period. The newness and excitement of the relationship stimulates the production of chemicals in your bodies that increase energy, positive attitudes and heighten sexuality and sensuality. While in this naturally produced state of euphoria, you decide to commit to spending the rest of their lives together. And marry, you do. But soon, your joy gives way to an inevitable earth-shattering awakening; marriage isn't at all what you expected it to be.

Stage Two- What was I thinking?
In some ways, stage two is the most difficult because it is here that you experience the biggest fall. After all, how many miles is it from bliss to disillusionment? Millions. For starters, reality sets in. The little things start to bother you. You realize that your spouse has stinky breath in the morning, spends way too long on the toilet, leaves magazines and letters strewn on the kitchen counter, and never wraps food properly before it's put in the refrigerator.

Although you once thought you and your spouse were kindred spirits, you now realize that there are many, many differences between you. You're confused. You argue about everything. When you remind yourself you made a life-long commitment, you start to understand the real meaning of eternity.

Ironically, it is in the midst of feeling at odds with your once kindred spirit that you are faced with making all sorts of life-altering decisions, such as whether and when to have children, where to live, who will support the family, who will handle the bills, how your free time will be spent, how in-laws fit in to your lives, and who will do the cooking. Just at the time when a team spirit would have come in mighty handy, spouses often start to feel like opponents. So they spend the next decade or so trying to get their partners to change, which triggers stage three.

Stage Three- Everything would be great if you changed
In this stage of marriage, most people believe that there are two ways of looking at things, your spouse's way and your way, also known as the Right Way. And rather than brainstorm creative solutions, couples often battle tenaciously to get their partners to admit they are wrong. That's because every point of disagreement is an opportunity to define the marriage. Over time, both partners dig in their heels deeper and deeper.

Now is the time when many people face a fork in the marital road. Three choices become apparent. Convinced they've tried everything, some people give up. They tell themselves they've fallen out of love or married the wrong person and they divorce. Other people resign themselves to the status quo and decide to lead separate lives. But there are still others who decide that it's time to begin to investigate healthier and more satisfying ways of interacting. Although the latter option requires a major leap of faith, those who take this leap are the fortunate ones because the best of marriage is yet to come.

Stage Four- That's just the way s/he is
In stage four, we finally come to terms with the fact that we are never going to see eye-to-eye with our partners about everything and we have to figure out what we must do to live more peaceably. We look to others for suggestions; we seek religious counsel, talk to close friends and family, attend marital therapy, read self-help books, or take a relationship seminar. Those of us who are more private look inward and seek solutions there.

We more readily forgive our spouses for their hardheadedness, and recognize that we aren't exactly easy to live with either. When disagreements occur, we make more of an effort to put ourselves in our partner's shoes. We recognize that, as with everything in life, we have to accept the good with the bad. Fights happen less frequently and when they occur, they're not as intense or as emotional as in the earlier years of marriage. And because we're smart enough to have reached this stage, we reap the benefits of the fifth, and final stage.

Stage Five- Together, at last
It is really a tragedy that half of all couples who wed never get to stage five, when all the pain and hard work of the earlier stages really begins to pay off. Since you are no longer in a struggle to define who you are and what the marriage should be, there is more peace and harmony. You start "liking" your spouse again.

By the time you reach stage five, you have a shared history. And although you'd both agree that marriage hasn't been easy, you feel proud that you've weathered the storms. You appreciate your partner's sense of commitment to making your marriage last. You feel more secure about yourself as a person and you begin to appreciate the differences between you and your spouse. And what you don't appreciate, you find greater acceptance for. If you have children, they're older and more independent, allowing you to focus on your marriage again, like in the old days. And you start having "old day feelings" again. You have come full circle.

I'm certain that if more couples realized that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, they'd be more willing to tough it out through the downpour. The problem is, most people fool themselves into thinking that whatever stage they are in at the moment, is where they will be forever. But it's important to remember that nothing lasts forever. There are seasons to everything in life, including marriage. The wiser and more mature you become, the more you realize this. The more you realize this, the more time you and your spouse spend hanging out in stage five. Together again, at last.

Why Do People Fail?

by Motivation123

If you asked ten people on the street why they want to change or improve their lives, I have no doubt that youwould get a whole lot of...'Huh? Um...I'm not really sure. I guess I never thought about it,' or...'Because it would make me happy.'

Sorry, but that just isn't good enough. I said we do whatwe do for a reason, but not just any reason. It has to bea good one, a powerful one. When you put a weak reason behind any goal, it's not going to happen.'It will make me happy,' isn't strong or specific enough.It doesn't excite or inspire. Taking into account the wayour mind works, this is never going to move you to action.And this is why so many people keep wishing for a better life instead of enjoying one. They don't have good enough reasons behind their goals.So what's the answer?

Develop better reasons!It's that simple. If I told you that walking across the room would radically change and improve your life in aninstant - and you truly believed it - I guarantee you wouldbe moving your feet right now.

Why?Because the reason moved you to action. It was powerfulenough to make things happen.And that's what you need to do when it comes to your own ideas of a happier, more successful life.Think of yourself as a master storyteller. The better storyyou tell about what success will do for you, the faster it will happen. When you sell yourself on what you want, you'll effortlessly and automatically be driven to make it happen.

And it all starts with a good reason. So take some time right now to think of at least three great reasons why your goal is worth achieving. Make themspecific, powerful, exciting, and inspiring.This little trick is just one simple way to get and staymotivated to live a better life, but I bet you'd besurprised to learn that mastering the entire method ofmotivation is just as easy.Believe it or not, motivation is actually a very simple mystery to solve. When you know what you're doing, it's possible to close your eyes, run through a few quick exercises, and immediately feel driven to act.

Just imagine what you could accomplish if you knew how toquickly and easily get and stay motivated to anything, absolutely anything, you've ever wanted to be, do, or have.I bet your goals and dreams are pretty exciting, so it woulddefinitely be a life worth living. And you can live it,starting today.

People Who Get What They Want: What Are They Thinking?

by Motivation 123

Imagine being able to choose any outcome and automaticallyfeel motivated to make it happen.No matter what's standing in your way, you'd be so driven that you would blow right past it. You would get what you wanted every time.Sound too good to be true?

I thought so too, until I learned a basic truth about the way we think and act. When you know how it works, it's easyto create a drive that compels you to do whatever it takesto create the kind of life you've always wanted to live.So, what is the truth and how can we use it to get what wewant? Let's find out.

It's so simple that it's often overlooked. And because mostpeople don't realize how powerful this truth really is, most people don't know how to get what they want.Wouldn't you agree with that statement?

Out of the millions of people who wish for a better life, only a very, very small percentage actually get what they're after. And there's a reason: they overlook the basic truths of life and fail to use them to their advantage. I don't want you to make the same mistakes, so let this idea really sink in...We do what we do for a reason.

In other words, some kind of reason, whether good or bad,is at the root of everything we do. To the average person,this doesn't mean much, but you're not average. You'll soonbe able to see just why this is such a powerful idea.

10 Love Relationship Don'ts

by James LeGrand

Are you currently doing things that may be negatively affecting your love relationship? We don’t always understand the impact of the things we do or say until it’s too late. It’s important to avoid the things that inadvertently hurt or push our partner away.

Here are 10 things you should never do in a love relationship…ever!

1. Don’t stop falling in love over and over again
Successful couples continually fall in love with each other. They find new reasons to be in love with their partner and don’t let the petty day-to-day things ruin those feelings. Love doesn’t have to die after commitment. In fact, it should grow to ever increasing heights. So, feel free to fall in love all over again….and again…and again.

2. Don’t value being right over being loving
Too many of us want to be right more than we want to be loving. We choose winning an argument over continually winning the heart of our loved one. When you have to be right, you are simultaneously making your partner wrong. Don’t engage in these 1 or the other conversations. Instead, value your partner’s opinion and then offer up yours. They are both opinions, so 1 is not more or less correct than the other. They are simply 2 different perspectives. If you continue to make your partner feel wrong, they will stop offering their opinion to you. That doesn’t lead to any place good.

3. Don’t stop planning together for the future
It could be planning for the kid’s college or the next vacation. It could be planning for retirement or for a friend’s birthday party. The key is to keep planning together for the future. When you do so, you create common goals to pursue as a unit. This strengthens the bonds of partnership, friendship, and mutual admiration. Find something you are both interested in doing, and work on it together. You are either growing closer together or further apart. Planning together helps to keep you growing together.

4. Don’t stop being attractive for your partner
Many couples stop doing the things that led to the relationship in the first place. If you figured that once you were in a committed relationship that you could stop engaging in attractive behaviors, you were mistaken. Each person in the partnership expected the other to continue doing and saying the things they found attractive. So, flirt. Wear clothing that your partner finds you flattering in. Remind your partner how attractive they are to you. Be playful, be thoughtful and be loving. Be irresistible to your partner and allow them to return the favor.

5. Don’t embarrass your partner publicly
Remember this simple rule: Praise publicly and criticize privately. When the need arises to tell your partner something difficult, do so in the most humble, loving, respectful and honest way possible. In public, tell everyone about how fantastic your partner is. Talk about the things you find best in them. Positive attention is a reward of sorts, and what gets rewarded gets repeated. Your partner trusts you with their heart and emotional security. Don’t publicly criticize your partner.

6. Don’t say “Always” or “Never” while arguing
Whenever we say our partner always does something or never does something, we are exaggerating. The discussion then turns to how the partner being accused must defend themselves against this blatant mischaracterization. The conversation then turns to how you always or never do something. Let’s avoid all of this. When you partner does something you don’t appreciate, say so then and there. Be respectful, yet honest. Don’t pull in past issues. Avoid saying the words “always” and “never” at all costs. Focus on the event or the issue at hand only. Work together to decide how it should be handled next time. Then move on.

7. Don’t use intimacy as a weapon
Do you grant intimacy or take it away as a method of persuading your spouse to do what you want? If so, you are cheapening a relationship expression of love by making it a tool of negotiation. Eventually, your partner may not want to express intimacy towards you or receive it from you because of the conditions attached to it. There should be no conditions on expressions of love. Therefore, stop using intimacy as a weapon. This is your partner! Intimacy should come with no strings attached. It is a beautiful and loving expression that should not be used to manipulate your partner.

8. Don’t talk negatively about your partner to others

So, your partner does something you think is disrespectful. You tell your friends about it. Later, you and your partner determine it was a simple misunderstanding. When you come back around your friends with your partner, what is their impression? Are they seeing your partner as a disrespectful person? Do they have a full understanding that there was simply a miscommunication between you? We are quick to tell everyone about the bad, and very slow to tell them about the good. Be careful. You could be ruining your partner’s reputation even as you know them to be a great person. Avoid talking negatively about your partner.

9. Don’t stop nurturing the relationship
Constantly look for ways to assist your partner. Listen with the intent to understand as they talk about things that are important to them. Be present for all of your partner’s major life moments. That includes illness, major victories, crushing defeats, and family events. Go out on dates. Vacation together. Treasure warm conversation over a hot meal. Express love to each other in the way your partner needs to receive it. Be supportive at all times. Remember that the one you love and gave your heart to is worthy of the very best from you.

10. Don’t break your commitments
Your commitment to monogamy is crucial; so don’t go looking outside for what you already have at home. If you say you are going to do something, do that very thing when and how you promised it to be done. Your word has value that diminishes each time you don’t honor your commitments. So, honor yourself and your partner by honoring your commitments. Do what you said you would do each and every time. Your partner will appreciate you more for it.

The 12 Things Remember this Valentine's Day or Any Day

by Susie and Otto Collins

1) Don't Forget Kindness and Thoughtfulness
We all get in a rush sometimes and forget to be kind. We just wantto get the things done that we have to get done and move along tothe next thing to be done. Whether you are currently in an intimaterelationship or not--take a moment to be kind to the people in yourlife. Kindness certainly doesn't have to mean "doing" for someone(but it can.) It can mean just giving a smile, sending a kind, loving thought, or simply listening to a story that you may have heardmany times before.

2) Don't Forget Appreciation
So often we find ourselves dwelling on what irritates us about thepeople in our lives and we forget to appreciate the things aboutour relationships that are working. Appreciation only works whenyou want nothing in return. If there are "strings" along with yourappreciation of another person, (like you want appreciation inreturn) it will seem like an empty, needy gesture. Appreciation has to be expressed from your heart and in such a way that isgenuine.

3) Listen Closely to What Your Partner Wants
Whether it's to make plans for a Valentine's day celebration orjust listening to how your partner's day went--leave your egoand your desire to help or "fix it" for him or her at the door andjust listen. We all get into habits that stifle communication--thatshut off a true connection of the heart. To open up and bringmore joy and ease into your relationship, take a moment torealize what you do to assume, to fix or to judge (even thoughyou may not think you are doing those things) and just listen to understand your partner.

4) Listen Closely to What You Want
Listening closely to what you want can be even harder thanlearning to listen to your partner. So many people have learnedalong the way that it's not safe to feel emotions--and theysimply don't know how to listen to what they want. You have topractice listening to the voice inside you so that you can behonest and authentic with the people in your life. You haveto learn who you are and honor that by letting others knowwho the real "you" is.

5) If It's an Intimate Relationship, Don't Forget Time Alone
In our busy lives, we often forget to recharge by spendingsome time alone. Whether it's taking a walk outside byyourself and enjoying nature or it's taking 20 minutes tomeditate or tune in and calm your thoughts--we've foundthat we are much better people and treat each other more lovingly if we take time for ourselves.

6) Don't Forget to Breathe

It may seem kind of silly to remind you to not forget tobreathe, but so many of us actually live in the land ofanxious, shallow breathing. Belly breathing can relaxyou, help you to clear your mind and keep you in thepresent moment. What's that got to do with creatinggreat relationships? When we are relaxed, we listenbetter to others and we don't react quite so quicklyfrom old patterns. We are able to access a freshpoint of view when we breathe that can promotemore understand and closer connections.

7) Don't Forget the "Show"
What's the "show"? The show is what we do toshow the other person that he/she is special inour lives. It can be a greeting card, a present orcreating a special night or weekend away. Itcan be elaborate or it can be simple--whateverthe two of you prefer. The main thing is that you "show" the other person how special they are to you.

8) Don't Forget Discernment
The media likes to use hype and if you buy into whatthe mass media promotes as "the way Valentine's dayshould be," then you might be setting yourself up fordisappointment after the big day comes and goes.Remember, it's not about the money you spend orwhere you bought that special diamond necklace orring. It's about the love that's underneath all of that.

9) Don't Forget to Be Present and Be Real
If you're like most people, you're usually eithermentally thinking about what you have to do orare going to do in the future or thinking aboutwhat happened to you in the past. The presentmoments fly by without you really participatingin them. To be present and real means to befully focusing on what's going on right here andright now. Great relationships are built on thatidea and whether it's Valentine's day or not, it'sa terrific practice to get into.

10) Don't Forget to Think Long-Term Love and Not Just Short-Term "Wow"
Whether it's a dating situation or long-term committedrelationship or marriage, when you are thinking abouta celebration of your love or of your relationship, keepin mind what would create and help foster continuedlong-term love instead of going for the "wow" factor.To know the difference, you have to be in tune withhow you and your partner like to celebrate--andeveryone's different so you have to pay attentionand listen.

11) Don't Forget that You're Never too Young or Too Old for Love
Many people have a fixed age in their minds wherelove is no longer possible. This age might be 40, 50,60, or 80. We're here to tell you that love is possibleat any age. The trick to finding or renewing it is to recognize what ideas and beliefs have held you back or have sabotaged love in the past and change those habits. Anyone can change and at any age. It just takes a willingness and desire to do so and to take a chance on having something wonderful.

12) Don't Forget About Nostalgia
Anyone want to bring out those old records or tapesof the music you used to listen to when you first fellin love? What a special way to celebrate your love and to renew those feelings at the same time. You might go to a restaurant or park that you used to go to or do some activity together that used to make your hearts sing. Even if you are not currently in a relationship, you can resurrect things that used to be fun for you and have a mini-celebration of you.

Surviving Valentine's Day

by Rinatta Paries, Relationship Coach

I ran across something on another website the other day that shocked me. It went something like this: Don't be in the doghouse this Valentine's Day...buy XYZ. Later I spoke to one of my single clients who asked me to help her survive Valentine's Day.

The commercialism associated with this holiday often wreaks havoc on both singles and couples alike. For couples, Valentine's Day can be full of unrealistic, unnecessary expectations followed by disappointment. And singles usually see the holiday as an unpleasant reminder of their relationship status and the sadness and disappointment of being alone.

Below are my suggestions to help you survive Valentine's Day. The first section contains tips for people in relationships, divided into subsections of people in a relationship going well and those in a relationship going poorly. The second section is for singles. ____________________________________________
Surviving Valentine's Day for people in a relationship
____________________________________________
Many people in relationships feel pressured and anxious about giving just the right gift. Valentine's Day expectations can run high in a relationship. If the gift isn't just right, the receiver may feel unloved and the giver may go into the "doghouse".

And let's be honest. The giver going to the doghouse is usually the man in the relationship. Not always, but usually.

How fun will your Valentine's Day be if you are disappointed with your partner and his or her gift? How close will the two of you feel if he or she spends the whole time feeling badly?

If you are in a relationship and you want your Valentine's Day to turn out well, to bring closeness, joy and intimacy, I suggest an adjustment in expectations and attitude.

Relationship going well:
----------------------------------

If your relationship is going well, does it really matter what happens on Valentine's Day? Maybe something sweet, fun and loving is enough?

Does it matter if you go out for a romantic dinner or if you have a candlelight dinner at home? As long as you do something for each other, consider your Valentine's Day to be a success.

On the other hand, if you really want something special, give strong hints to your partner and let him or her know how much you REALLY want that certain something. This way you set him or her up to win by giving you what you want. Don't secretly hope for something and expect to get it unless you are sure your partner knows you are secretly hoping for it!

Mostly, make sure it's a day or evening the two of you spend enjoying each other.

Relationship going poorly:
-------------------------------------

If your relationship is not going well, Valentine's Day is probably not going to save it, no matter how special you try to make the day. In fact, if your relationship is in trouble, high expectations may be the last nail in the coffin of your relationship.

In this case, it is even more important to communicate clearly what you want and what you expect. The more discord in a relationship, the less likely that your partner will be tuned into you and know what you want.

The key here is to stop having expectations that Valentine's Day will turn your relationship around, and instead see it as an opportunity to express to your partner how much YOU care.

______________________________
Surviving Valentine's Day for singles
______________________________

Instead of spending the day being sad about not having a relationship or ignoring the day completely, do something powerful for your relationship future.

I have to warn you the exercise I am about to detail here will sound silly, pointless and hard to execute. However, it is truly worth the effort.

But before I explain the exercise, let me tell you why it will be worth the effort. This exercise will allow you to experience true, healthy love. If your history is strewn with broken relationships, you have seldom--if ever--experienced true, healthy love. Experiencing it will give you the ability to recognize someone capable of it, and will give you the power to attract it.

Ready?

1. Go to Hallmark or some other fancy card store, today or tomorrow.
2. Buy a few very nice cards, the kind you would love to get from an intimate partner.
3. Go home, take out the cards and a nice pen, and start writing Valentine's messages to yourself. The key is to write as if a wonderful, caring, generous relationship partner is writing to you. Although you don't have such a partner right now, I'm sure you know just what you'd like to hear. Write exactly that. Write what you most want to hear from someone who loves you. Go overboard with compliments and praise and words of love.
4. Seal the cards and put your name on the envelope. Maybe even draw something on the envelope.
5. Put the cards in different places around the house to be found and opened on Valentine's Day.
6. When you open the cards on Valentine's Day, do not discount what you've written to yourself. It may not be from a current lover; however, it is from someone who loves you--YOU.

The more you allow yourself to feel love, even self-love, the more likely you are to attract true love into your life.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Find out how to handle the hard talks.

How do you communicate unpleasant truths to your spouse? How do you tell him something that will make him squirm? Easy and effortless communication is one of the hallmarks of healthy relationships, but sometimes there are things you need to share with your spouse that are not easy to communicate.

Oprah & Friends Radio host Rabbi Shmuley discusses the three difficult truths that arise in marriage:

• Something your spouse has control over and constitutes bad behavior; for example, you are married to someone who has a bad temper or is cheap.
• Something your spouse has some control over but does not constitute a moral offense, such as being overweight, having bad breath or snoring.
• Something your spouse has no control over and is simply a part of her you find distasteful. For example, she has a birthmark, large feet, small breasts or something else you find unattractive.

Solutions to address these painful truths in marriage:

• For those offenses over which your spouse has control, such as having a bad temper, it's important to set aside time to have a serious conversation and talk with him about his problem. Don't criticize his character, instead criticize his behavior, Rabbi Shmuley says.
• For those offenses over which your spouse has some control, Rabbi Shmuley says to do the exact opposite. Do not have a serious conversation with her, rather it should be a light conversation in a light moment, he says. Let her draw the conclusion to what you are saying instead of you being the accuser.
• For those things over which your spouse has no control, like his big feet, it's important to learn to love them. You can always find an erotic quality in something that you think you don't like, Rabbi Shmuley says.

Originally published on February 28, 2008

From Rabbi Shmuley Boteach's Oprah & Friends XM Radio show "The Unpleasant Truths of Marriage" © 2008 Harpo Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

HANDBOOK 2009

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy. Last but not the least:
40. Share this to everyone you care about.