The Cause of Ignorance

Clyde and Dee Kilough

The most common cause of disagreements and arguments is ignorance. Our human nature assumes that the other party is ignorant, rather than ourselves, but unless we listen carefully and thoughtfully to the positions of others, we will always be the ignorant ones. Ignorance simply means a lack of knowledge or understanding, and it usually leads to positions and decisions that are wrong in some way.

7 simple steps you can take as soon as you realize you’ve made a mistake

by Wendy McDonnell

1. Accept what happened. Take responsibility for it. Taking ownership of the situation rather than trying to cover it up will restore trust in yourself and others. Every consequence is feedback about what works and what doesn’t.

2. Discuss it. Invite other people involved to talk about what happened, what you had in mind, why your strategy didn’t work, and offer a suggestion of how you might correct it.

3. Listen to the feelings and needs of others. How do they feel about what happened? What do they need? What would they like to do about it? Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

4. Sincerely acknowledge other’s feelings and needs. Say sorry if that helps. What does the other person need from you to restore trust?

5. Do what you can to restore goodwill together. Work with the other person to decide on the best way for you to make amends.

6. What did you learn? Tell yourself and the other person how you’ll act differently. Focus on the positive, creative energy of the needs you were trying to meet. Focus on what you want to do now rather than what you want to avoid.

7. Don’t dwell on the mistake. Keep focused on what you learned and how you’ll do things differently. If goodwill has been restored, move on and stay present and compassionate with yourself. Remember, that your relationship may need time and reassurance to build the trust that you once had.

Five steps to getting over jealousy

by Keith Ablow, M.D., is a psychiatrist and author. His latest book is Living the Truth.

1. If a relationship in your life is in turmoil, consider whether jealousy (the fear of losing the attention or affection of a loved one) or envy (the desire to possess what others have) might be involved.
2. Remind yourself that although they are painful, these are normal human emotions. Having them doesn't mean you're a bad spouse or a bad friend or a bad sibling.
3. Whatever it is you feel you're missing out on, consider whether you'd really want that particular thing in your life. For example, you might envy a friend's wealth but would never actually trade your free time or the pleasure you take in less-lucrative work. Or even though you might wish your own child could gain admission to a prestigious college that accepted your friend's kid, in your heart, you know that school isn't the one that will end up enhancing your child's self-esteem and potential for success.
4. Be aware that circumstances change — for all of us. The acquaintance or sibling who outshines you today may be the one who needs your help or compassion a week, or a month, or a year from now.
5. If you really do want what your friend or sister has, think of one positive step toward attaining it — and take it right away. Register for a course on investment planning or changing careers, give online dating a shot, get plans drawn for a new addition to your house (even if you won't start construction for a year or two).

Rebuilding Trust After Lying

by Beth Banning and Neill Gibson

Has someone close to you broken your trust by lying? Is it difficult to get back on track and reestablish that trust relationship you thought you had? If so, there is hope!

It's possible to get back to having a healthy and satisfying relationship with a person who has been lying. Understanding why they've been lying to you, what prevents them from telling the truth and taking responsibility for your part in the relationship breakdown are the first steps to repair your relationship.

We’ll go over the basics and provide clear examples for how to implement the steps in this article.

While it’s impossible for us to know the details of your relationship or the specifics of your particular situation, these generic examples can help begin the healing process, even in a complex situation where someone you care about has lied to you.

We are confident, although generic, if acted on these steps will help guide you in the direction of regaining lost trust and support you in the process of rebuilding your relationship.

Step #1 for Regaining Trust

To regain trust, the first thing to do is to let go of any judgment that this person did something "bad" or "wrong". This kind of judgment only keeps you separate and distrustful.

This might be hard for you to even consider doing at first. Hard because most people believe that giving up their judgment of someone is the same thing as condoning what they've done. We assure you, it is not.

You can only let go of a judgment when you've been able to translate what they've done in terms of what they value. To help let go of any judgments it is important to know that people only do or say things because they are acting in harmony with something they value, or as an attempt to meet some need.

Again, without specific examples it's impossible for us to guess what a person might value or what need they are attempting to meet. So we'll make up a story to give you an example of what we're talking about.

A Son Who Lied

Let's say you have a teenage son and you ask him where he’s been. He tells you he was at the library studying. Later you find out that he actually skipped school and was at a friend's house all afternoon playing video games.

Now you might choose to be very angry and upset because he should know better than to lie to you because lying is "wrong". You might start thinking: "I can't trust him if he lies to me. How can we possibly have a good relationship if he's going to lie to me?"

We agree that lying is not an effective way to create a satisfying quality of relationship or a very successful life. However, we want you to consider that there's a way to look at the situation that is less painful for you and has the possibility of creating a quality of trust that you long for with your son.

So let's look at the situation from a new perspective. Your son lied to you. Instead of being upset and angry that he's done something "wrong", you decide you want to discover what prevented him from telling you the truth in the first place.

Everything We Do is in Support of Something We Value

You can only do this after you've come to understand that he lied in service of something he values or as a way to meet some need.

And at this point, you don't yet understand what that might be. In this case, we believe you're upset about the lying because you value a quality of understanding and respect. And because you value this it is exactly what we suggest you focus on in your conversation with your son.

If you're are acting from a desire to create understanding and respect it's much more likely you'll be able to be curious about why he lied in the first place. It's likely you'll be able to see that his lying wasn't intended as a personal affront to you. Instead, you can focus on your relationship and your ability to support him in getting his needs met in a way that works better for both of you.

Let's put ourselves in his shoes and try to guess what he values that prevented him from telling you the truth.

We'd guess that freedom of choice is very important to him--he wants be in charge of his life and decide where he goes. We'd also guess he was lying to protect himself from the upset that telling the truth might create.

Freedom from Judgment is the Freedom to Have What You Want

Once you're able to let go of the judgment that this person did something "bad", you're able to begin exploring the situation to see what prevented them from telling you the truth in the first place. Then you can begin the process of creating agreements about how to best meet everyone's needs.

In this case, this would be how to get your needs for trust and a good relationship met, while at the same time meeting his needs for freedom of choice and having more enjoyable interactions with you when he wants something other than what you want.

This process we're describing is very different than the common interactions you see between people. And please realize, we're just skimming the surface of all of the understandings and skills we teach that are needed for you to shift your perspective and create agreements that would work for everyone in a comfortable way.

In a nutshell, what we're describing is the very first step to regaining trust.

This first step is to make a commitment to get everyone’s needs met.

Next you need to shift your perspective from right/wrong thinking.

After you get the idea that they've done something wrong out of your head, you can begin to explore what everyone values, and then start figuring out ways that everyone can be satisfied.

The 6 Keys to Spiritual Dating

by Jill Crosby

“Spiritual Dating” or “Conscious Dating” is an enlightened way of meeting and dating. There are no rules or expectations, and it’s about being true to oneself and staying in the flow. Conscious dating is more fun than the traditional style of dating, and it yields much better results! As we raise our vibrational frequencies and approach fifth dimensional living, it’s more and more important to practice Spiritual Dating with respect to meeting a life partner as our thoughts and feelings are manifesting extremely fast!

The 6 Keys to Spiritual Dating:

#1 REMEMBERING OUR DIVINITY:
Realize that every person is a DIVINE ASPECT and before incarnating, we agreed to forget our Divinity. We chose to be here on Earth for this incredible time in history, so be joyful and grateful for ‘waking up’ and being part of this planetary ascension! Loving ourselves unconditionally and letting ourselves express this tremendous JOY that is our Divine Essence is the basis of Spiritual Dating. Allow this love of self and joy to radiate outward and attract the same. It’s much healthier and fulfilling when two souls come together in joy and bliss rather than in desperation and loneliness!

#2 BEING PRESENT and OPEN:
When we are truly PRESENT in the moment, we are OPEN to meeting the love of our life because we are paying attention. Enjoy each encounter, whether or not that person is a potential mate. When standing in line at the grocery store, book store, post office… (anywhere!), pass up reading the magazines or thinking about what you are going to make for dinner. Instead, be receptive and conscious of who might be coming into your space. ENJOY the moment you are experiencing NOW! Be bold and say hi to people, initiate conversations and SMILE! One of the most efficient ways to meet other spiritual, “awake” people is to join an online dating site like www.SpiritualSingles.com where there is a large pool of conscious singles to meet and be pro-active by initiating contact with other members.

#3 BEING REALISTIC:
Chemistry comes in all shapes and sizes. Realize that our “types” have most likely been created by mass media programming and therefore the collective consciousness. Break free of this illusion, the matrix, if you will, and feel someone’s SOUL, their “beingness”, their heart. Our life partner may not look like the “type” we have been conditioned to see as attractive. They may be taller, shorter, thinner, or thicker, so let go of the attachment to how someone appears and look deeper. As we thoroughly enjoy and experience every person we encounter, we can appreciate their uniqueness and see their Divinity. Listening to our guidance and knowing that we may be drawn to someone because they are our life partner, or maybe for another reason, perhaps they have some important insight or information for us.

#4 BEING REAL:
Being real means letting one’s guard down and getting out of ego; being oneself without trying to empress or show off. When in a relationship, true selves and personalities are eventually revealed and observed by our partner, so it’s more efficient to be genuine from day one. By expressing our true selves, we send out that energy to the quantum field and magnetize a partner that is also being REAL!

#5 LISTENING
When on a date, practice active LISTENING. Instead of planning out what we are going to say next, or worrying about how we look, active listening involves being present and focused on the other person while they are speaking. With an open heart, listen and feel what the other person is saying. Be there for them 100%. When talking, speak from the heart, and allow the conversation to flow naturally. Allow time for silence and just being together. Remember to breathe and relax.

#6 STAYING IN THE FLOW:
Getting out of our head and following our heart, our feelings and the current energy is the essence of staying in the flow. When we are tapped into our Divinity, we know what to do, where to go, who to talk with etc... When in the flow, there is no ‘thinking things through’ for hours, days or weeks….it just happens. It’s part of being present and open. Being open to whatever is in our highest and best for each moment and trusting that we are being perfectly guided by our higher selves (that part of us that always remembers its Divine connection), is the key to staying in the flow. Letting go of expectations and preconceived ideas about what something “should” look like, or how something “should” be is essential.

Spiritually dating creates a fun, enriching experience to be savored and thoroughly enjoyed. When these six keys are put into practice, results happen quickly, and it’s possible to be experiencing a blissful, devoted, loving relationship in no time, so ENJOY the process!

Being Laid Off -- Is it a Sacred Opportunity?

By Arleen Hannich

Have you ever noticed that "good" things often come out of "bad" things? Events or situations we see as disasters in our life can actually change our life in profound and wonderful ways.

I believe layoffs offer many individuals a sacred opportunity to re-examine their lives. For many of us, something as serious as a layoff is required before we will pay attention to thoughts and feelings that have been plaguing us for months, years, or even decades. Thoughts like: What am I doing in this job? Where is my passion? What is the purpose of my life anyway? Is this really all there is to life?

We may have ignored and stuffed concerns like these for so long that they have begun to show up in our bodies as disease -- a physical manifestation of the disease of our souls. But if physical illness doesn't get our attention, a layoff quite often does.

Many of us expend huge amounts of energy and time rearranging our lives so that we feel the sense of growth and wonder we crave. Yet we haven't really created anything new, and our relief is short-lived. We may feel safe simply rearranging the box we live in, but our life force does not want to be contained in this way. Our life force wants to experience, grow, and expand. Our life force wants us to take the lid off of our box and explore new territories which beckon to us. Enter the layoff -- a perfect opportunity for self-examination, self-expansion, and self-realization.

As you look now to re-enter the workforce, I invite you to consider the following questions:

1. "What is the most important thing to you in your life today? What do you find personally meaningful?" Take some time to really ponder your answers. When you started your career, your answers may have been very different. Allow this layoff to be your opportunity to "catch up" with all the changes you have undergone during your previous years of employment.

2. "When you were growing up, what were you most interested in doing?" Also consider if there was anything you were told as a child you could not do in the area of occupation or career. What were you told would be "best" for you? Now, as an adult with many years of experience under your belt, take a second look at your interests and the advice you received. Determine if the advice is serving you today, and how you can expand your parameters for success and personal fulfillment.

3. "What fears played a part in shaping your previous career? Which of those fears can you throw away now?"

4. "What part of your potential have you been resisting?"

5. "What possibilities -- that you didn't allow yourself to consider before -- may be open to you today?"

Self-discovery is a continual process. You will not be able to complete it in an hour or two, but it is a process that is well worth starting. Once you take the first few steps, I think you might actually find that you enjoy it!

A layoff is a significant event in your life. Though it may not seem so on the surface, I believe there is something sacred in such a life event. I invite you to allow this sacred pause into your life. Use it as fuel for creating a life that supports you in experiencing joy and fulfilling your true potential.

As a Spiritual Facilitator, I would find it difficult not to end this article by reminding you that Divine assistance is always available to you. Now is a great time to ask the Divine to help you glimpse your true potential. Ask the Divine to accompany you as you lift the lid off of your box and re-create your life. I wish you much success on your journey!

About the Author:
Arleen Hannich, MA, is a Spiritual Facilitator. She provides Divine Presence, Inspirational Messages From Spirit, and the Oneness Blessing to individuals worldwide who wish to live authentically and joyfully. To receive her Free E-Zine, "The Divine Connection," and her Free Guide, "Feel Your Emotions and Create a Life You Love," visit her website at http://newsletters.selfgrowth.com/t/5647988/15703756/494/0/?u=aHR0cDovL3d3dy5zZWxmZ3Jvd3RoLmNvbS9ndWlkZS9hcmxlZW5oYW5uaWNoLmh0bWw%3d&x=dcc175a6

Check out the Experts page for Arleen Hannich, the SelfGrowth.com Official Guide to Self-Realization: http://newsletters.selfgrowth.com/t/5647988/15703756/495/0/?u=aHR0cDovL3d3dy5zZWxmZ3Jvd3RoLmNvbS9leHBlcnRzL2FybGVlbl9oYW5uaWNoLmh0bWw%3d&x=210654b1


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*** Article: The Backsliding Blues: Tips to Get You Back on Track - By Carolyn B. Ellis ***
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Progress is never a straight line. Often it's a matter of one step forward, two steps back. Just ask Oprah, icon of self-improvement, who publicly confessed how sabotaging beliefs contributed to weight issues that continue to plague her. Backsliding after we've started some new habits or set new goals is common. The choice you make after you've "fallen off the wagon" is critical.

Backsliding can show up anywhere. You decide to save some money, but then you can't resist that shopping spree. You resolve to speak calmly with your children, but then you lose your temper and yell at them instead. You decide to end a relationship with someone who doesn't love and appreciate you, but then you rationalize those feelings away.

The best of intentions can get crushed by procrastination, old habits, or disempowering thoughts. Here are a few tips to get back on track after you catch yourself backsliding.

1. Celebrate Your Awareness

Do you immediately launch into self-recrimination and judgment when you backslide? Instead of beating yourself up, choose to celebrate your awareness. Within the seeds of the breakdown are the keys to creating a lasting breakthrough.

Action Step: Come up with a positive mantra or affirmation to use when you discover you're out of integrity with your goals. Try "Hey, I'm curious about what took me off course," instead of "Hey, you loser, you blew it again!" Love yourself forward.

2. Patience is a Virtue

In a world addicted to instant gratification, creating empowering new habits and thoughts takes discipline, repetition, and often, time. How many years did it take to create the bad habit in the first place? A few decades perhaps? Is it so unreasonable to think it may take you a few weeks or months of focused intention and action to unlearn a lifetime of mental programming?

Action Step: Catch yourself when you get impatient and stop. Impatience is a quality of the ego-self, not the Higher Self. While sometimes a permanent shift can just take a split second, often we simply need to be more patient with our process.

3. Think Outside the Box

Einstein said it best when he observed that trying to solve problems at the same level of thinking that created them is an exercise in futility. It's like trying to hammer a nail, when the only tool you have is a saw. Breaking out of deeply ingrained subconscious patterns often requires thinking outside the box.

Emotional Eating

By The Weight Watchers Research Dept.

Food and feelings go together. From birth, we link food with enjoyment, affection and nurturing. Food often accompanies emotion-filled events, both happy and unhappy ones. Eating for comfort is a common behaviour—and comes from this deep connection between the experience of eating and the sensation of comfort.

Specific patterns of emotional eating are highly individual. But researchers have discovered some common themes that lead to emotional eating. Their findings provide insight into eating as a response to emotions rather than hunger.

Emotional Eating and Weight
Not everyone is susceptible to emotional overeating. For those who are, however, the impact on weight can be significant. In a study on emotional eating that included both overweight and underweight subjects, it was found that those who weighed more were more likely to eat in response to negative moods and situations.¹

Emotional eating is not limited to bad times, however. Good moods and happy events can also lead to overeating for those who eat from emotion. In a study that evaluated overeating in a group of obese women, it was found that larger meals were eaten in response to both good and bad moods when compared to those mealtimes when the women's mood was neutral.²

Emotional Eating and Weight-Loss Success
Eating in response to emotions can undermine weight loss. However, research has shown that becoming aware of emotional eating and developing strategies to manage it works. In a study conducted at the University of Birmingham in the U.K., researchers found a direct connection between a reduction in eating in response to emotion and weight-loss success among adults.³

Understanding the connection between emotions and eating reveals how behaviour can impact weight. Becoming aware of the impact that emotional eating may play in a weight-loss attempt is the first step. If emotional eating is an issue, developing ways to cope without food is vital for lasting weight loss.

Please, Just Listen!

by Joan C. Curtis

Larry thought he was a great listener. That morning while drinking his coffee his wife was complaining about the kids. “They never pay attention to anything I say.” She went on to list all the mundane mishaps of each child. Larry tuned her out. He heard little after the first sentence. Finally, he said, “Why don’t you send the kids to your mom’s this weekend? Give yourself a break.” She stared at him and said nothing.

That evening Larry came home to a quiet house. He searched for his wife. Instead he found a note that read, “Maybe what we all need is time away from you.” He wondered what in the world he’d said to cause this response.

Will Larry ever know what he said? Not unless his wife returns, is willing to tell him, and he listens. How many of us are guilty of “listening” but not hearing? How many of us end such fake listening with a broad-brush solution really designed to shut the other person up?

One exercise I do while teaching listening skills requires groups of three to practice really listening to each other. One person presents a problem, the other person listens, and the third person observes and gives feedback. The rounds last 3 minutes. During that 3-minute round, nearly all “listeners,” say things like, “Have you tried. . .” or “If I were you, I’d try. . .” or “Why don’t you do. . .” These are all solution driven responses which are not “listening.” Can we not listen to one another for just 3 short minutes?

The reality is there is no way you can solve someone else’s problem if you haven’t heard it. Furthermore, if that person has been struggling with the problem over a period of time, what makes you think you have the perfect solution? (But, we all do, right?).

Here are some listening tips:

1. When your head is busy thinking up solutions, stop yourself. Instead ask yourself, what is this person’s voice telling me? Does your speaker sound angry, sad, disappointed? What facial expressions do you see? Is your speaker, frowning, looking from side to side?

2. If someone says to you, “What should I do?” be careful! Rather than begin your litany of answers, respond with, “You’ve described a tough challenge. Tell me what you’ve tried?” or “I’m wondering what the real problem is here? Before I jump in with ideas, tell me what is really going on?” or “How about we brainstorm together some possible ideas.”

3. Remember people do not always tell you things so you’ll solve their problems. Sometimes they simply want you to listen and be there for them. Be sure the person wants to hear an idea, suggestion or different point of view before you share it. Ask permission. For example, “I have an idea. I may be all off base, but would you like me to share it?” Or “May I make a suggestion? You can always take or leave it.”

Larry learned the hard way how not listening can destroy a relationship. He thought he was a good listener. But when he had the opportunity to really hear his wife, he failed.
Next time someone says, “Do you have a minute?” Why not give them 3 minutes? Why not settle in and really give the gift of listening?

Stop talking on eggshells

by Susie and Otto Collins

Tips to help you move toward the connection and communication that you want...

1. Identify your complaints and what you want to be different.

Write down what your specific complaints are about your
situation and how you'd like it to be. Until you're clear about
where you are and where you'd like to be going, you're not
going to be able to get there.

It's like telling your GPS that you'd like to go "somewhere"
without having a specific destination in mind if you don't get
specific.

What is it that separates you and tears you further apart?

Be specific about the thoughts, actions, and words, not
only from your partner but also that you say and do.

It's human nature to look outward toward someone else
as being THE fault but we challenge you to also look at
how you may have contributed.

Then ask what does being "loving" mean to you?

What does it mean to your partner?

Does it mean being kind to each other even when it's
difficult?

Does it mean more physical touch?

Ask yourself the same question about communication
and be specific how you'd like to be able to communicate
and be heard.

2. Recognize how you and your partner shut down to
one another and then learn how to open.

You mention the "f" word--fear.

It's been said that fear is just "false evidence appearing
real."

Write down all of your fears that are keeping the two
of you separated and put a checkmark beside the ones
that you know to be absolutely true and happening at
this moment.

Chances are you don't have very many checkmarks
because if you're like most people, when you're fearful,
you're either reliving the past or worrying about a future
that hasn't happened.

You're not living in this present moment and what's
happening right now.

So figure out what thoughts are shutting you down from
each other and whether there is any truth to them or
not.

Even if there's some truth to your fears, you don't have
to let them keep you from communicating in a loving
way with each other.

But you first have to learn how to open your hearts
to each other, even when it's difficult.

Opening your heart means feeling inside you and
knowing that you love this person.

Opening your heart means that you are choosing
to go toward what you want instead of away from
what you want.

Opening your heart means stopping your habitual
reactions, breathing and pulling your focus away
from your mind chatter to your heart area.

Opening your heart doesn't mean that you have
no boundaries but it does mean that you want
to understand.

Opening your heart is probably the most important
shift you'll need to make to create open connection
and communication.

And it only takes one person to open and to stop
the pattern that the two of you normally follow.

3. Make a commitment to changing and make
agreements that support your commitment.

Talk together and see if you both are willing to
make the commitment to changing some things
about how you are with each other.

If you can make a commitment and some
agreements, that's great.

You might make the agreement to sit and be
together doing something that you used to
enjoy.

You might make the agreement to be kinder
to each other, spelling out exactly what that
means.

If you can't get a commitment or agreements
from your partner, go ahead and make them
yourself.

Even one person changing can change the
dynamic in a relationship.

Will that relationship be everything the person
wants if he or she is the only one actively
changing?

Maybe or maybe not...

In any case, you have nothing to lose unless
you want to stay stuck in your relationship
as you are.

A loving connection and communication is
created one moment at a time--and that's no
lie!

Ten Keys to Creating Your Extraordinary Life

by Jane Straus

When I am asked to summarize the essence of my book, "Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life," I offer these ten keys. I hope they serve, on a daily basis, to help you create the extraordinary life you deserve.

1. Recognize that you are enduring.
Do you feel that you never have time to stop? Do you distract yourself with eating, working, volunteering, cleaning, etc.? Do you resent that you never have time to do the things your spirit longs for? Do you feel resigned rather than inspired? If you wake up most mornings feeling anxious, bored, or numb, looking forward to some imagined future time when you will feel happier - “when my children finally start school,” “when my bills are paid off,” “when I retire”-then you are enduring.

2. Release your self-judgments.
Your negative beliefs about yourself that are holding you back-you’re untalented, too fat, not smart enough, etc.- are probably rooted in your childhood. Why would you let your “inner seven-year-old” run your life? These judgments are real but they are only as true as you have believed them to be. Give yourself compassion for having carried the burden of your self-judgments. Replace them with affirmations and find new evidence to support your willingness to believe in them. Affirmations are as true as you allow them to be.

3. Question your limiting beliefs.
When you tenaciously hold on to the belief that the world works in one particular way (against you), or that there is only one right way to do something (and you are doing it wrong), or that your actions will inevitably result in a specific and predictable outcome (bad), you are strapping on blinders. Make a commitment to take off those blinders. It will take practice and patience to stay out of “limiting belief territory,” but eventually it will become second nature. You’ll quickly start to see that life no longer feels boring and predictable.

4. Drop your acts.
When you put on the armor of an act, you sacrifice your authenticity for protection. For instance, you think no one can hurt you if you’re tough enough…or that everyone will love you if you’re nice enough…or that everyone will respect you if you never admit to being wrong. Your acts will become your prison. Instead, give yourself joyful permission to become more of who you really are. You will feel free and you will find that who you are is much more interesting than any character you could possibly play.

5. Face down your fears.
What fear is keeping you from living your extraordinary life? Whatever it is—quitting your unfulfilling job, leaving an abusive marriage, telling the truth about your past—you must face it head on. Recognize that F.E.A.R. means “False Evidence Appearing Real.” Think of the worst-case scenario and see yourself living through it with dignity. Get support from others. Create an affirmation, such as, “I am now courageous.” Then, just do it. Remember that no matter what the momentary outcome of facing down your fear brings, your worth as a person is constant and never in question.

6. Free your feelings.
If you feel bored, you are probably ignoring or avoiding something. Make an effort to connect with your feelings. Sit in a quiet place and close your eyes. Take some deep breaths. Check in with your body. Do you feel any tightness or pain? Give that pain or tightness a name, such as fear, hurt, anger, resentment, sadness. If your body feels light and open, give that an emotional name such as joy, love, happiness. Whatever emotions you feel and name, just allow them to be. If they change, let that be. Let yourself be. Learn to honor your emotions. Give them an opportunity to inspire you.

7. Heal your anger and resentment.
When you can acknowledge that your resentments are fueled by your personal regrets, you free yourself to step out of the victim role. It is not that you are letting others off the hook for unkind or unfair behaviors; they are still responsible for their intentions and actions. But the moment you uncover your regrets, you are empowered to let go of resentment.

8. Forgive yourself.
Make a list of the wrongs you have done to others and to yourself. See them as results of survival strategies. Acknowledge the consequences of these strategies to yourself and others. Grieve for your losses and your mistakes. Make amends with yourself and others. Create an affirmation to replace the self-judgments that drove you to using your survival strategies. And remember to treat yourself the way you would want others to treat you.

9. Know, speak, and live your deepest truths.
Commit to being truthful in all you say and do. Realize that being truthful is not synonymous with being honest. Truth is a complex blend of honesty mixed with compassion and vulnerability. When you are “brutally honest,” you are expressing your judgment but not expressing your truth. Your spirit knows the difference between truth and honesty. When you express your highest thoughts and intentions, you are able to live a true life, not just an honest one.

10. Create your extraordinary life every day.
To live in your truth is to allow your spirit’s energy into every cell of your being and into every thought and action. Here’s what this means in everyday terms: When you tell the clerk at the grocery store checkout counter that she has given you too much change, you make truth and spirit matter more than money. When you hear gossip and don’t pass it along, you make truth and spirit matter more than your momentary desire to feel important. When you tell someone you love him or her, unsure of whether he or she will say it in return, you make truth and spirit matter more than your fear of rejection. Make these decisions every day. It takes courage and commitment to be your extraordinary self. You will be amply rewarded with a rich and fulfilling life.

Live More Positively

By Aurelia Williams

You're having a good day. Your child comes home from school and whines about the bad day they had. Then your spouse comes home from work and complains about the day they had at work. Everyone is in a bad mood, and pretty soon so are you. Does this sound like a situation you have quite often?

It happens a lot for most people. The problem is that this type of situation can escalate, and the negative vibes start spreading to others around you until you manage to have pushed them all away. It doesn't make for a very good relationship all around.

The good news to this is that it can be changed. You can stop those negative vibes from taking control of your lives and start living the way you should. In a more positive manner. Here are some ways you can take back control:

* Set up a money jug:
Every time someone says something negative, they have to contribute a set amount of money, like a nickel, to the jar each time. To help everyone be more willing to participate, set it up as a contest. Have the person who has the least amount of money in their jar win the amount in the other jars.

* Keep a chart:
If you don't want to use money, then you can try using a chart. Use the same contest idea and figure out what the reward will be for having a better attitude. You could even award bonus points if they are positive despite something disappointing happening, like failing a test at school.

* Giving thanks:
This is not just something that people do at Thanksgiving. It's something that can be done year around. You could set up some family time every week and have everyone say what they are thankful for. By being thankful more often, you're instilling a positive environment to live in.

* A praise board
Set up a bulletin board in a place where everyone will see it. Give each family member a section of it, or maybe even use small, separate ones for each person. You can have people tack up notes on each other's boards or section of the main board, expressing something positive about them. When their boards are full, the notes can be put away for later when they're having a bad day and need a pick-me-up.

It will take time for everyone to adjust to this new idea, but by just making a few changes, the household's mood can change for the better. The little things can really mean a lot. Once your family starts being more positive with each other, take it a step further and share your good mood with your family and friends.

The Secret of Feeling Good

by Jeannette Maw

What is the secret to making dreams come true? Do you know the one thing that matters most in getting what you want? Would you guess the key to success is hard work, perseverance, commitment, right connections, good timing, or lucky breaks?

You might be surprised to hear it has little to do with the above. Contrary to what we learn from parents, teachers, employers, friends, and whomever else shaped our lives, the secret to success may very well be the exact opposite of what we were taught all along.

The secret to a joyful life, to reaching one incredible dream after another, is highly underrated in our society and easily overlooked in the crunch of daily life.

That secret is feeling good.

Whatever your dream or desire is, chances are you were led to believe struggle, sacrifice, and continual effort were required to achieve it. If we want to lose weight, we think it takes dedicated diet and exercise. To earn a promotion at work, we believe extra hours and responsibilities are required. We equate improving our financial situation with cutting expenses or increasing income.

But those actions in and of themselves do not put us on the path to success. The only reason those actions might serve us is if they put us in alignment with our goal. If you have ever taken traditional action steps and not achieved results, it is because the crucial factor of “alignment” was missing.

Alignment means being a vibrational match to your desire. You can think of it as being in line with, in tune to, or on the same page as what you want. We cannot achieve something if we are not aligned to it. Boiled down, that simply means to get what we want, we must feel good. Taking action that does not feel good not only prevents progress but leads to frustration when doing the “right thing” does not produce results. And that frustration just creates more misalignment to our goal!

This phenomenon is explained by the Law of Attraction, which affirms that like attracts like. Everything in our world is made of energy, and energy vibrates, including you and me and all our thoughts and feelings. Everything we experience in life occurs because we are a vibrational match to it; that is, we attract what we vibrate.

So your thoughts and feelings create a vibration, which create your experiences. That is why feeling good is so powerful—it attracts more life experiences and circumstances that feel good!

Feeling good now is the best way to create alignment with what you want and to allow your dreams to materialize.

However, this is not the advice we typically get to reach our goals. Most will preach persistence and paying our dues for what it takes to succeed. You can relax and enjoy after you get there, they will tell us. The problem is that in “paying our dues,” if we create thoughts and feelings that do not feel good, we hold success at bay.

For example, if I do not enjoy counting calories or working out at the gym, and yet that is the action I take to lose weight, it is unlikely I will drop the pounds. However, if I feel good eating smaller portions and adopting an in-home yoga practice, that could very well be my ticket to the body I want. Not because yoga and small portions are the secret, but because doing what feels good is.

There is not one given rule that fits for all of us about feeling good. What one person delights in, another is driven to depression with. Whereas following a strict budget may be empowering to one, it could drive another insane. Posting a personal profile online for romance might be exciting for one, demoralizing for another. It is not the technique, strategy, or action step that makes the difference—it is how we feel about it that dictates our success.
So instead of following the “rules” or “expert advice,” if all we did was what felt best in moving toward our goals, we would naturally attract astounding success into our lives, however each of us defines that.

And yet our culture does not promote “feeling good” as a habit to strive toward. It is considered hedonistic and selfish to put ourselves and our happiness first. We are conditioned to put families, careers, and loved ones’ desires before our own, which is an unwitting recipe for disaster!

The secret to achieving things that make us happy in life is to do what feels good. Get in touch with your internal guidance, and follow that because we will not get to “heaven” by following a path that feels like “hell.”

Since most of us are not practiced at discerning and respecting our “feel goods,” here are four tips to naturally attract your dream come true.

1. Respect your emotional guidance. Your emotions are irreplaceable for steering you in the direction of what feels best. We are often trained to leave emotions out of the decision-making equation, which can lead to disappointment and frustration. Learn to listen to and follow your internal guidance, no matter how much logical sense it may or may not make.

You are the best expert on you. All the answers you need are within, and your emotions will steer you to the quickest and surest steps to the life you want. Trust yourself!

2. “Feel good” every day. Joseph Campbell’s advice to “follow your bliss” is as good as it gets. Make it a point to bring some sort of joy or smile to life each and every day. Whether it is a new habit of kissing your sweetie hello, indulging in a favorite treat once a week, or just enjoying an occasional hot bath, discover how little things can make all the difference in how you feel.

Following your “feel good” will create an alignment that allows more good things to come to you!

3. Eliminate what does not feel good. Unload the obstacles that keep you from feeling good. What is on your to-do list that you are dreading? Skip those! Delegate them, hire them out, decide to feel differently, or at the minimum, get them over with once and for all. These “feel bads” put you in alignment with things that you do not really want to attract.

As you eliminate what does not feel good in life, you will recover a tremendous amount of energy you did not realize was missing.

4. Stop worrying what others think. Yes, it may rock the boat as you change the way you live. That is okay. Does it feel good to worry about others and what they think? Right, it never does. Do not handicap your “feel good” by worrying about others.

You cannot make anyone else happy. We each choose for ourselves how we feel, and we can only be in charge of our own happiness. The best thing you could do for someone else is set the example of pursuing personal joy. Ultimately, when you find your joy in life, you become a better spouse, parent, child, employee, neighbor, and friend anyway.

The secret of feeling good is that it does not just feel good—it is a success magnet! The better you begin to feel and the more frequently you do it, the more you will find life delivering pleasant surprises, fabulous opportunities, and an abundance of experiences and things to love. Although it takes conscious attention until it becomes habit, it is the single best strategy you could embrace for living the life you want!

How Forgiveness Allows You to Attract Your True Match

by Nancy Pina

We all draw relationship partners in accordance with our core beliefs. If you consistently attract emotionally unhealthy relationship partners, there is a pattern that you must break in order to recognize a balanced and devoted relationship.

During my years of matchmaking I have found that relationship struggles are twofold: a psychological challenge to break free of controlling beliefs formed in childhood and a spiritual battle over negative thoughts concerning unresolved past issues.

In essence you are a compilation of your past experiences, the choices you made, and the paths you followed. The larger question you need to honestly assess is “do I allow my past mistakes, circumstances, and pain to define who I am?” Are you holding on to sorrow and becoming a person who is identified by that grief? It is through forgiveness that you can overcome your sorrow and release yourself from the burden of carrying resentment in your heart.

When you resolve to forgive someone, you choose to live in the present. Forgiving does not mean forgetting but rather releasing the damaging emotions and moving toward an emotionally stable life. Forgiveness does not mean you condone the actions of others.

It is up to you to decide not to be controlled by your circumstances and to take the initiative to forgive those who do not know better. People tend to hurt others out of their own fear and pain. Forgiveness allows love to enter your life. By clinging to anger, you permit your ego to relive the wrongs of your past. Continuously reliving past anguish in your mind and verbally describing your situation to others gives life to your sorrow.

Most of us go through a period of mourning, especially after the end of a relationship, as we try to figure out what happened to the life we knew. The danger here is remaining in this phase and incorporating this stage into your essence. By concentrating on fear—anxiety, sadness, anger, and pain—you block the very thing you want to attract, which is love. If you lead your life with your injuries, you cannot properly grieve, recover, and move ahead with life. It takes a conscious effort to let go of the temptation to be cynical, pessimistic, judgmental, and resentful about the end of a relationship or any other event or situation you feel is unforgivable.

Am I Sabotaging My New Relationship?

If you do not release built-up resentment and anger from previous relationships, you will carry those feelings over into the next one, as Jeremy did.

After being married for over eleven years and divorcing because we drifted apart, I found myself in a love relationship five months later. In the beginning, it was nothing but excitement. Just the thrill of talking to each other was more than any two months put together of my previous marriage.

We had a definite physical attraction from the get go, and as I got to know her, I really became interested. We had similar ways of thinking and upbringing, which made me feel understood. Now after being together, living together and proposing to her, it seems all I can do is look for her flaws. She is still the strong, beautiful, sexy, and caring person I met, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about what I don’t like.

Is this because of my fear of being hurt again, or is it that I’ve reached a point in the relationship that I am actually weighing what matters most to me in a life partner? Either way it doesn’t make me feel good because I do love her.
Jeremy’s fear of vulnerability emerges as his relationship goes from physical attraction to an emotional attachment. His fear of being hurt again is magnified primarily because he has not taken the time to forgive what happened in his relationship with his ex-wife. He is fearful of being vulnerable in another committed relationship that runs the risk of emotional pain. Unconsciously, he will repeat the same relationship pattern if he does not resolve the core beliefs that led to the end of his marriage.

Through forgiveness you are giving yourself permission to love yourself. You are acknowledging that you are worthy of love. You are designed to give and receive, not to hold on to anger, revenge, bitterness, and resentment. You open the door to physical illness, psychological damage, and soul despair by clinging to negativity.

How do you forgive those who have hurt you earlier and shed the sorrow, anger, and loneliness that encumber you today? Where do you start in order to give yourself permission to heal? Following are five steps I encourage you to take to release resentment.

Step 1: Acknowledge Your Pain

To truly forgive, the first step involves admitting what is bothering you and how it makes you feel. Suppressing your grief will not make it disappear. Until you go through this process, the pain will only resurface in future relationships.

One way to accomplish this step is to journal in detail any past actions you can’t forgive yourself for and any wrongs done to you that you cannot release. Once you have finished, read the list and take comfort in the wisdom that you did the best you could with the information you had at the time.

Step 2: Allow Yourself Time to Grieve

Facing heartache can be frightening, but by fully experiencing the sadness, you will keep it from dominating your life. Many people are taught to suppress their negative feelings toward others because those emotions are viewed as wrong. Being stoic will not free you from distress.

Do not deny yourself the opportunity to grieve. Forgive yourself and free the anger and hurt around this person and situation. Liberty from a distressing event will be achieved when a discussion concerning what happened does not create anguish or agony in your heart. Your sorrow is very real, so do not minimize it or try to bypass the mourning period. You must go through this grieving stage in order to release your pain.

Step 3: Examine Your Perceptions
Making sweeping judgments can keep you in a cycle of replicating dysfunctional patterns. When emotional upheavals happen in your life, it is an opportunity to examine why you journeyed down that path. It is not the time to form negative core beliefs in a stage of anger.

Step 4: Empathize

For genuine forgiveness to happen it is necessary for you to place yourself in the shoes of the offender. If you do not forgive, you will automatically respond out of your own pain and fears and will ultimately hurt others.

Step 5: You Are Free When You Forgive

You can forgive and still maintain your integrity. The key is to absolve others for their actions. Grace is not a license to sin. Forgiveness is full of compassion but demands a change in conduct.

Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the person who wronged you. It is your key to happiness and emotional freedom.

Redefining "Work"

By Anthony Hernandez

Imagine two identical piles of dirt that must be moved an identical distance. Person A uses a kiddy shovel and takes all day. Person B uses a tractor and moves the entire pile in one scoop.

Question: Who did more work?

At least 80% of the people I ask say Person A. I believe this occurs because we tend to equate "work" with "effort". Physics, however, defines work as results. Both people, therefore, did the exact same amount of work. The difference is that one struggled while the other obtained results with ease.

Society conditions us to define work as struggle. We are expected to spend 40+ years in a job with the goal of amassing enough money to live out our few remaining years in some semblance of comfort before departing this world. Talk about slavery! Even worse, self-employed people who struggle in their businesses (home-based and otherwise) are even more deeply indentured. A worker can quit and find a new job whenever s/he wants. Walking away from your own business isn't that easy.

I'll bet some of the people you know succeed at everything while others crash and burn no matter what they try. Is this luck? Does God, the Universe, or karma favor some over others? No. Everybody has the same potential for success, the same chance to accomplish anything they want in life. The key lies in our beliefs. The physical world we see, smell, hear, touch, and taste is nothing other than the sum of our perceptions filtered by our beliefs. I'm sure you've heard the maxim that 20 people witnessing the same event will provide 20 different accounts.

If you believe that success requires working a job for forty years, then you will get a job. Forty years later, tired and spent, you'll have achieved your result: a short time of relative leisure before death. Die too soon and you'll leave behind some of the resources you spent your entire life creating. Live too long and you'll expend your resources and die with nothing. How's that for depressing? The mechanics of this phenomenon are quite simple: Whatever one invests energy in grows. Invest energy in the idea that work equals struggle and struggle you will.

What about you? If you think that you "work hard" or feel that you can't or shouldn't do something because it's "too hard", then you define work as effort. I've lost count of the entrepreneurs I've met who feel absolutely overwhelmed because they're struggling just to stay afloat must less thrive. These unfortunate souls desperately want more from their businesses but dread the thought of thrashing even harder in the murky waters of their own making.

If this describes you or someone you know, then I have wonderful news: It doesn't have to be like this. There is a better way. Today I am challenging you to stop defining work as effort and embrace the scientific definition of work as output. Quit focusing on the effort and start focusing on the results you want. Do that and you will struggle a lot less while getting far better results far more easily. And why not? If you're in business (especially if you're in a home-based business) then that business should be serving you, never the other way around.

Freeing yourself from the "work equals struggle" trap is as easy as divorcing yourself from the idea that struggle is necessary and that the way you have been doing things is the only way there is. This can be difficult because nobody wants to admit being wrong. I see it this way: Your current methods have served you admirably because they delivered you to this exact point in your life. Sure, they may need some updating but that doesn't make you wrong. Think about your childhood. Were you wrong for using diapers and crawling on the floor or did you simply outgrow those habits? There is nothing whatsoever wrong with growth.

Next, examine your goals and seek the easiest ways to accomplish them. Be creative! Having defined your destination and the easiest way to get there, proceed in small simple steps being absolutely sure to reward yourself for every single step. The destination is nice, but never forget that life is a journey that you can choose to enjoy… or not.

The payoff can be absolutely spectacular. A contractor I know tripled profits while working 25 fewer hours per week. A healthcare franchisee expanded by 80% while trimming 15 hours from her weekly schedule. Another person experienced greatly reduced stress levels just by carving out one hour of personal time every morning. There is no reason why your results can't be just as good or even better.

Define work as results and seek ways to obtain the results you want with ease and you'll soon be struggling a lot less while reaping far more abundant results from your home-based business and enjoying life's journey far more. That's a promise.

35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People Say: Surprising Things We Say That Widen the Diversity Gap

By Dr. Maura Cullen

We have all said the 'wrong' thing at the 'wrong' time. But what if we were able to know beforehand what some of these wrong things are which hurt or offend people? What if we could avoid saying them and reduce the risk of negative personal and professional consequences? Wouldn't you want to know?

Top 5 Dumb Things Not to Say

Here are five out of the 35 common Dumb Things we say. To understand why these statements are offensive, you must focus on the impact it has on the other person, and not on your intent.

"Some of my best friends are..."
"I don't think of you as..."
"I don't see color, I'm colorblind."
"You are so articulate."
"Where are you REALLY from?"

Two Things You Need to KNOW to Avoid Common Pitfalls

In my book, "35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People Say," I share ten skills that enable people to make an immediate shift in their ability to have effective interactions while avoiding some of the pitfalls and consequences that often accompany our diversity discussions. Here are two of those skills.

1. Intent vs. Impact

Have words come out of your mouth before you could stop them? Are there times when what you meant to say didn't come out exactly as you had hoped? If you are like most of us, your response is probably a resounding "Yes!" People often make statements which they intend to be supportive or complimentary, but end up being problematic. Even well-intended people cause harm, and as a result, many of us are not aware that we have done anything harmful or offensive. However, just because we may not intend to hurt someone doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt.

Here's an example; if someone accidentally steps on your foot, it hurts, even if they didn't intend to hurt you. They can apologize and say it was an accident, but the bottom line is your foot still hurts. Even though it was not their intent to hurt you, the impact on you is painful.

2. P.O.P.

The Pile On Principle (P.O.P.) is critical in understanding why people sometimes "overreact." P.O.P. is easily demonstrated by the parent who loses their patience after the tenth time their child has asked the same question despite the parent telling them to stop. You end up yelling at the child out of frustration.

For many, a similar frustration comes from the experience of being asked the same questions a multitude of times over a lifetime. What follows are some of the "Top 5 Dumb Things" which tend to put many people over the top.

To demonstrate the Pile On Principle, let's continue with the example we started in the intent and impact section with your foot being stepped on.

You get up in the morning and stub your toe -- not a good start. You go to work where someone accidentally steps on that foot -- more pain. Later that day, someone accidentally drops something heavy on that foot -- much more pain. However, you don't want to "overreact," so you hide your pain and frustration while accepting their apologies. Later that day, someone drops a piece of paper on that foot and you blow up in frustration. You just can't take it anymore. You are tired of being hurt.

This is one day in the life of your foot. Now imagine a lifetime of being stepped on by well-intended people who didn't mean to hurt you. A harmless joke, the use of a certain word, acts of exclusion can cause people great harm. They are not overreacting; rather they are tired of being hurt.

Two Things You Need to Know to Improve Your Diversity Competence

Acquiring knowledge of some of the Dumb Things statements is a great start to improving your relationships, both personally and professionally. Here are some other useful strategies.

1. B.A.R.

Breathe-Acknowledge-Respond. This is a powerful tool and perhaps the best way to manage uncomfortable or emotionally charged discussions. This is a simple yet effective way to deal with inappropriate or offensive comments.

Step One - BREATHE: Take a deep breath. It is the quickest and most effective way to calm down.

Step Two - ACKNOWLEDGE: Acknowledge what the person is saying. An important distinction to make here is to acknowledge what someone is saying does not mean you have to agree with them.

Step Three - RESPOND: The key here is to respond, not react. Reacting can be problematic because it is action without thought. In order to respond, however, you have to slow the process down to find a moment to think, which is why taking a deep breath is so critical.

2. Shift from "Me" to "We"

We cannot get to "we" if all we focus on is "me." When someone confronts us about our language or our jokes, we tend to get defensive. We make it all about us; we focus on "me." Instead, remember the Pile On Principle, that this may not be the first time they have had that word or a similar joke said to them.

Do good intentions count for something?

Yes, most people would rather deal with someone whose intentions are good than someone that intentionally inflicts harm. While good intentions are important, they cannot eradicate the harmful impact that some statements may cause. The only way to reduce the negative impact of our words is to change our conversations. Fortunately, these skills can be learned and therefore effectively improve our relationships.

Is Your Calculator Broken? Being on Your Case versus Being on Your Side

By Dr. Relly Nadler

Many individuals have "faulty evaluation systems." They are rarely satisfied when successful and are overly critical of their performance, even if they win, and win big. This can become a rigid pattern. In the past it may have driven them to great successes, but over time it can become a burden and an anchor from being more successful.

These individuals tend to continually try harder and often fall short in their own eyes. They will readily admit that they are hard on themselves, but they believe it is the only way to push themselves to their best performance. It is as if they have a calculator that is defective, but they do not realize it is always off one digit. When evaluating themselves, the calculator should read 1,000, but instead, it reads 100, or it should read 100 but instead reads 10. They get upset about the reading but don't realize their evaluation system is faulty or broken. Instead of "being on their side," they are always "on their case."

There are three major, unintended consequences of being on your case rather than being on your side.

1. These people are never satisfied with their performance, and their self-confidence is affected.
2. Because everything seems to be less than they had hoped, they are miserable, tense, and unhappy.
3. Unconsciously, they treat others the same way they treat themselves -- overly critical, picky, negative, and never satisfied.

Most individuals who are hard on themselves are blindsided to the problems inherent in their personal leadership style. Sometimes they require a wake-up call to alert them to the serious impact this kind of pattern has on their ultimate performance and well-being. If you recognize yourself in the above profile, answer a simple question: What percentage of the time are you on your case instead of on your side? Use a scale of 1 to 100. You can tell if you or others have a faulty evaluation system if after every performance you establish that you should have had:

better effort
higher quality
faster delivery

The manifestation of this kind of attitude is typically feeling scolded by yourself for failing to live up to your abilities. It's almost like you take out your whip and begin snapping yourself into shape. You may even say or think, "How could I be so stupid? When am I going to finally learn? What is wrong with me?" More, better, faster, more, better, faster: this becomes an automatic, negative self-evaluation system.

Andrea's Story

Andrea was an executive in an agency and constantly felt she was behind in everything -- e-mails went unanswered, voice mails were not returned, one-on-ones with staff were cancelled or rescheduled. Her self-evaluation system was harsh and unforgiving in spite of many of the positive things she was initiating at the agency. Andrea often spent her first moments with an employee apologizing for something she had failed to get around to. Her confidence was affected, and her negative self-evaluation started to influence others. Perhaps she wasn't as competent as they had thought she was...

In one of our coaching sessions, Andrea achieved a breakthrough when I pointed out that she had apologized three times in 30 minutes. It was obvious she was overly critical of herself. She became painfully aware of how automatic this self-evaluation system was, and more importantly, recognized that it was quite possibly inaccurate. Andrea also became aware of how pervasive this pattern was in all her interactions and that it undermined her leadership abilities as well.

Andrea started out saying she was on her own case 80 percent of the time. Through talking about this pattern's impact and building awareness, she was able to get it down to about 40 percent. It was important for her to understand that she was not trying to eliminate being on her case, but rather reframing it into being on her side. With some real commitment and practice, she developed the ability to catch the pattern faster and redirect it from the former to the latter. Andrea became more on her side, and as a result, was less demanding of her staff and more on their side as well.

Changing our self-evaluation greatly improves how confident we feel and allows us greater awareness of how we evaluate others.

Redirecting Questions

The best way to change from being on your case to being on your side is first to notice how you behave and then turn the evaluation into a learning and action plan. Below are some examples of whipping statements and statements that will help you redirect yourself to being on your side.

"On Your Case" Whipping

How could I be so lame?
Don't I know better than this?
I'm an idiot for doing this!
Why didn't I start this sooner?
I could have done a much better job!
What is wrong with me?
I should have known better!

"On Your Side" (Phrases That Redirect Your Habit)

Which parts of this performance went well?
What didn't turn out the way I wanted it to?
What exactly didn't work out here?
Which part is under my influence?
Is there anything I could have done differently?
What will I have to do to accept this performance and not beat myself up?
What can I learn from this performance?
What will I have to improve next time?
Is there any learning, training, or help I need to improve my performance?
What will be my next step?
How will I make sure I stay on track?

What was your reaction in hearing these questions? It is important to first acknowledge what went well in order to establish the proper perspective in your evaluation and to curtail the "more, better, faster" pattern. This chart shows the difference between the two self-evaluations.

Quality --

(On Your Case / On Your Side)

demanding / respectful
damaging / constructive
irrational / rational
overgeneralized / realistic

Results --

(On Your Case / On Your Side)

dissatisfied / encouraged
less confident / energized
overwhelmed / confident for the future

Questions and Actions to Be More on Your Side:

* Circle the terms above you have experienced the most.
* How accurate is your evaluation system?
* On a scale of 1 to 100, what percentage of the time are you on your case?
* How do you feel after you've been on your case?
* What are the consequences for you and others for being on your case?
* Do you treat others as harshly as you do yourself?
* If you don't change this, what do you stand to lose or miss out on?
* Keep track of the times you have stopped being on your case and then redirected to being on your side. How did you do it?
* What is most difficult about being on your side?
* What helps you to be on your side?
* Record in your planner the percentage of time you are on your side each day, from 1 to 100, and reward yourself.

Your calculator can be fixed, and you will subsequently feel more confident and ready for new risks.

30 ways to stay motivated

by www.evancarmichael.com

It's summer and for many people its holiday time. It can be hard to get back in the groove after a break, so here are 30 ways to get yourself motivated.

1. Make sure you are working towards something that you are passionate about and want to achieve.
2. Create a compelling vision, by imagining your business at a time in the future, when it is successful. What will you be doing, thinking and feeling at that time?
3. Develop a habit. It takes 28 days to form a habit so keep at it, knowing the more consistent you are in the beginning, the more fixed your new activity will become.
4. Prioritise your "to do" list every day to ensure that you will make time to achieve the ones that will help you move forward towards your goal.
5. Don't let others lead you astray so inform those you trust and wish to support you in what you want to achieve.
6. Be patient with yourself. Some days you will be more motivated or have more time than other days. When possible, do more. When you can't, do less, or do something different and back off without guilt.
7. Plan ahead. Set up your plans and create some milestones to record progress to date.
8. Team up. If you are able to find a “buddy” or someone who can support you it can be inspiring to work together.
9. Set achievable goals. The more easily you accomplish your goals, the more likely you are to sustain them. Set goals that emphasize the process (for example, making 3 sales calls a day) as well as the result (for example, winning one new client a month)
10. When you achieve a goal, reward yourself. Decide on a reward ahead of time to spur you on.
11. Have fun. Make working towards your goals fun. Come up with some imaginative ideas for introducing an element of additional interest to your goals.
12. Keep a success diary. Your behaviour is determined by your thinking, so keep a note of successes every day and monitor how you were thinking when you achieved the success.
13. Listen to your body. If you are overtired or not eating properly your body may at times be less than helpful. Take the hint.
14. Review your plans regularly and perhaps shift to a longer timescale or a more achievable goal or take a break. A respite may inspire you to come back with renewed vigour and determination.
15. When you are feeling down, read your own marketing literature to inspire you.
16. Don’t underestimate the value of role models. Read about successful people that you admire and learn how they think and behave.
17. Enthusiasm is infectious. Make an effort to attend networking events where you know there will be people who are enthusiastic about you and your business.
18. Use your intuition as well as gut feel to make decisions, as it is amazing how well it works and can keep you motivated.
19. Success is about enjoying the journey not just getting to the destination. Think about what you enjoy whilst working even if you do not make the progress you desire towards your goal.
20. Focus on what you do have control of, rather than what you do not have control of to minimise your stress levels.
21. Be aware of what motivates you. Is it positive encouragement (you can do that) or negative criticism (you’ll never be able to do that)?
22. When you feel de-motivated, think about someone you admire and what they would do in this situation. It helps in looking for creative ways to re-energise you.
23. When fear threatens to quash your motivation, remind yourself why you are taking this particular action.
24. Work hard and play hard. You will enjoy work and leisure time more if you keep a good balance between them.
25. Become aware of what you are telling yourself when you are successful. Do you say “I caused that to happen, and it will happen again”? Or do you say “it was nothing, it was really someone else”?
26. Make sure you keep focused on work activities during the day, and avoid being diverted into doing the laundry, cleaning etc.
27. People are motivated when they are improving performance, enjoying their job and learning. Check if you are achieving all of these.
28. Set up your office in a shared environment, to ensure you meet other people. If you can’t afford it, then arrange to meet business acquaintances for coffee regularly to get you out of the house.
29. Read Kickstart your Motivation to inspire you.
30. If nothing else works then buy a bar of chocolate and indulge!

Four Steps to Improve Communication with Your Family

by George Harris

Communication is one of the most important aspects of our lives that, ironically, many of us pay the least attention to. Regretfully, the main reason is that many of us have never been taught how to communicate in a way that benefits us and the person we are communicating with.

From the moment we wake up in the morning until we go to bed, we are communicating, first with family, then with coworkers, neighbors, friends, and so on.

We communicate either verbally, through our spoken words, or nonverbally, through eye contact, body language, and touch as well as through our thoughts, feelings, and passions. It has been estimated that only about 20 percent of our communication is verbal, and the rest is nonverbal. It is important, then, to pay attention to all the nonverbal clues we express to people as they speak more than the words we say.

For example, most people can remember when they were children and “the look” their parents gave them that expressed much more than words would.

Imagine if our communication with our spouses was clearer so that we knew how to express our feelings and ask for what we wanted—and we were heard. What if we, as parents, communicated from a place of personal power inside ourselves, expecting our children to listen and cooperate without having to yell?

Through verbal and nonverbal communication we let people know who we are, what we want, and how we feel. Therefore communication is one of the necessary building blocks for creating a solid and successful family environment.

Here are four steps that will enhance communication with your family.

1. Expressing Our Wants and Feelings

We all have wants and feelings. Once upon a time, in our youth, it was all right for us to want, and more so, it was even necessary for us to want. But many of us had parents who told us no, we could not join the big kids in the street, we could not ask for money or play with a certain thing, and that we asked too many questions. So “no, you don’t want that” became the mantra of our lives.

How many times did we hear statements such as these: “don’t argue with me”; “if you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about”; and so many others that taught us to stuff our feelings and shut up. No wonder we have a hard time expressing ourselves.

This transfers into our adulthood to our spouses and children. When we do not get what we want, we tend to blame and attack others, causing upset and a belief that relationships are hard. In order to improve our ability to communicate and therefore improve our relationship with our family, we need to understand and release any emotions like anger and resentment and the belief that we are going to upset someone by stating our wants. It is when we release these that we can express our current wants and feelings, and we can then hear the wants and feelings of our spouses and children.

2. Making Others Right

Any time we make negative comments to people about something they are doing or about a feeling or thought they have, we are making them wrong for who they are. This is called projection: the tendency to unconsciously place onto others our own undesirable ideas and impulses.

How can you tell if you are projecting? The easiest way to know is if you are judging. How many times do you judge your spouse or your children for actions they take or feelings they have? No one wants to be ignored, accused, or made wrong. Think of someone right now that you have done this to. What was his or her reaction?

When we project, we think they are undeserving of our love or caring. Truly, the place to start letting go of judgments is within ourselves. The more we release our own judgments about ourselves, the less we project them onto our family members. We can then make them right and see them as important, having value, and being okay for who they are because we have seen that about ourselves.

3. Listening

What does listening have to do with communication? Why is listening so important? Listening allows us to get information, to learn about someone, and to understand another’s feelings.

Research has shown that people are listening only 25 percent of the time and that they make up the rest of what they think they hear. Therefore the nonlistener does not learn what there is to know, and the relationship becomes a classic lose-lose situation.

There are many reasons why we do not hear what other people are saying. Some of them include talking too much, being too consumed with our own opinions, thinking we know a lot more about something than the person talking and planning our remarks and actions before the other person finishes.

A good listener gives his or her undivided attention, asks questions without interrupting, does not judge until comprehension is complete, sees things from all points of view, and, especially, exercises the mind.

4. Having Agreements Instead of Expectations

Since we have not learned positive ways to communicate due to holding back our feelings and not asking for what we want, we end up having expectations of others. We feel as if they can read our minds and know what we want without having to express it.

Expectation is defined as “a prospect of future benefit.” Because of this desire for a future benefit, we habitually deprive or withhold something desirable from ourselves for some outward goal or the love of someone in our lives. This is referred to as Sacrifice. For example, you think, “I will do this certain thing for my spouse, and when I do, she or he will love me more for it.” Another example is thinking “I will pick up my child’s toys, and he or she will learn from that and then pick up his or her own toys.”

We also have expectations of ourselves based on what we think others want of us, and they become shoulds; examples are “I should be a better parent” or “I should be happy around my spouse all the time.”

Because of fears we carry within ourselves about relationships and asking for what we want, we hold these expectations as a desire or a hope, wanting them to come true. We then sacrifice ourselves with these expectations, depriving ourselves of our wants. We become angry and disappointed when they do not come true and then feel guilty for having expressed the anger. In reality, we are angry with ourselves for not speaking up and asking for we want and need.

To resolve this, we need to observe when we run our lives by shoulds or expectations and instead then communicate to others our desires and make agreements with each family member. Successful family relationships depend on how well we communicate. By using these tools, you will learn how to listen and communicate with each other. You will empower yourself and your family members. And you will create more joy, love, and peace in the family household.

What Causes Embarrassment?

By Margaret Paul

I was conducting a weekend Inner Bonding workshop. Amanda, one of the participants, was working with me in front of the rest of the group. As we touched on a painful issue, she started to cry and immediately said, "I'm so embarrassed that I'm crying."

"What are you telling yourself right now that is causing you to feel embarrassed?" I asked her.

"I'm stupid for crying, and everyone here will think I'm stupid."

Given that one of the teachings in the workshop is learning to be in touch with your emotions, it was highly unlikely that anyone in the workshop was judging her for crying. What was causing Amanda's embarrassment was her own self-judgment.

When we judge ourselves as wrong or bad for something we are feeling, doing, or have done in front of others, we will feel embarrassed. Another person can do the exact same thing and feel no embarrassment at all. For example, the next person to come up to work with me in this workshop was a young man who also started to cry. Yet it was obvious that he felt no embarrassment at all for his tears. In fact, he seemed relieved to be able to cry.

What are the kinds of behaviors you have judged yourself for that have caused you to feel embarrassed?

Do you judge yourself for making a mistake? What do you tell yourself when you make a mistake that makes you feel embarrassed?

"Now everyone will think I'm stupid."
"Now people won't like me."
"How could I have done such a stupid thing?"

Of course, any of these statements will cause you to feel embarrassed. But what if you said to yourself something like:

"Oh well, I'm human. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes."
"It's okay that I made a mistake. That's how I'll learn."

These kinds of statements come from compassion rather than judgment. You will not feel embarrassed when you allow yourself to be human in front of others -- to cry, to make mistakes, to not know something, to be wrong about something, to mess up, to act badly sometimes, to occasionally forget something, to mispronounce a word, to get lost while driving, to be insensitive, to fall apart, to get angry, to sweat and smell bad or have problems with other bodily functions, to forget the words to the song you are singing, to forget the lines to the play you are in, to get a bad grade, to fall down, to miss the dance step -- and so on.

Wouldn't it be great if you allowed yourself to be human? Wouldn't you feel freer and more relaxed in your life if you allowed yourself to mess up without judging yourself? Allowing yourself to be human means allowing yourself to just be who you are -- a wonderful human being who will make mistakes, who will mess up, who will be vulnerable.

Can you value yourself if you are different from other people? A friend of mine is embarrassed because he likes Barry Manilow, and he thinks that "real men" don't like that kind of music. If he learned to accept who he is rather than judge who he is, he will stop feeling embarrassed and begin to value himself.

In our culture, many people have learned to be embarrassed about various aspects of their body, telling themselves that this is too little, or that is too big. How sad that we have been taught that we are not okay if something is not bigger or something else is not smaller.

We all have the option of choosing to accept ourselves just as we are, and when you make this choice, you will no longer experience embarrassment.

Six Steps for Creating A Willing Listener:

by Judy Ringer

1. Understand Your Story and Their Story. Rashomon is a 1950 Japanese movie involving four people, each of whom tells a story about how a specific event unfolded. Each story is a little movie that looks completely different from the others. Rashomon reminds me that my story may vary widely from my partner's, even when we're looking at the same facts. It helps me exercise caution about how much I think I know about someone else's motives. I try not to presume. How could I? It's not my movie. My goal is to see his movie through his lens.
   
   
2. Educate, don't sell, blame, or accuse. When it's time to tell my story, I have to teach the listener what things look like from my perspective. I don't assume he can see my movie either; in fact, I know he can't. When an employee, student, or loved one acts contrary to expectations, I respectfully describe the feelings that ensued or the resulting impact on the environment or on our relationship. I assume the person has positive intent, and I try to help him to live up to that assumption.
   For example, "I think you were trying to help the customer as best you could, given the complexity of the request. However, from my experience, when I put the customer on hold for more than a minute, he usually becomes frustrated and hangs up. Let's talk about how to get answers without putting the customer on hold."
   
   
3. Communicate your hopes and goals. If I'm disappointed, it helps to let others in on my hopes (for the relationship, the workplace, or the task at hand). For example, "When you said you would have the spreadsheet ready Tuesday, I took you at your word. My hope is that we all recognize the importance of deadlines on a project that's as time sensitive as this one. Can you tell me what happened and what we can do to remedy the situation?"
   
   
4. Stay interested. Remain curious and childlike. Look at each situation with new eyes. Don't forget that everything you experience is filtered through your perception, your lens. As Stephen Covey says, "Seek first to understand."
   
   
5. Center yourself and extend positive energy. I practice and teach the martial art aikido, often translated from the Japanese as "the way of blending with energy." In aikido, as the attack comes we center ourselves and extend our life energy (ki) to meet the attacker, align with him, and redirect his energy. We lead without force. In life and business, you do the same thing when your language and manner are poised and focused, when you exercise both power and compassion, and when you make your adversary a partner by honoring his energy and positive intent.
   
   
6. There are no guarantees. What if you've tried to find a creative solution through joint problem solving and the situation doesn't improve? For example, after several conversations and promises to improve, a direct report continues to be disrespectful. Or after your numerous requests to be prompt, an important member of the team continues to show up late or not at all.

Resolutions to Keep to Create Successful Relationships

by Carolyn B. Ellis

Relationships can be our greatest joy, or our greatest challenge. Often they are both! With a world going through significant economic restructuring and transition, many people are re-assessing what is truly important to them. After all, will we assess our lives with the question of "How did my stock portfolio do?"? Likely not! The most important questions we ultimately have to answer are "Was I loved?" and "Did I love others?"

When a significant relationship ends, whether through divorce or a parting of the ways, be sure to set yourself up for success before jumping into a new one. Here are 5 resolutions you'll want to keep so you can create loving, connected, and successful relationships in the future.

1. "I will date myself first."

The best indicator of the kind of relationships you'll have with romantic partners is the kind of relationship you have with yourself. Date yourself first and take some time to get your feet back on the ground. Give yourself the kind of love and appreciation you'd like to have in a future partner. Light a candle for dinner, buy yourself some flowers, and tell yourself how gorgeous you look in the morning.

2. "I will identify the qualities I'm looking for in a partner."

From your past relationships that haven't worked, you now probably have a clear picture of the characteristics, behaviors, and attitudes that don't work for you. Write them each down and then ask what you do want. For example, instead of self-centered or unfaithful, you may want to list caring and loyal as qualities you'd like your date to have. Put your focus on the positive qualities and use them as a yardstick to decide who to date or not.

3. "I will keep my ex-partner out of my future relationships."

If you find yourself endlessly talking about your ex, or comparing your new partner to your old, stop and get honest about whether you're really ready to date again. Sharing about past relationships as information is fine. Endlessly psychoanalyzing and complaining is not, plus it's a big turn-off. If you're divorced, why are you allowing this person to consume so much of your time and attention? Find someone like a trusted friend, divorce coach, or therapist to help you work out your unresolved feelings.

4. "I will date people who are emotionally healthy."

Fixer-upper opportunities are great for real estate flips, but not so great as life partners. Make a commitment to date people who are responsible, self-sufficient, and emotionally healthy. Do they have fractured relationships with their family? Do they have addictions of any kind? Creating your life after divorce will take your energy, so don't let it be drained by taking on any make-work relationships.

5. "I will indulge in my passions."

Are there any hobbies or interests you have? Stop putting them off and dive into them instead. Have some fun! A bonus is you might just meet someone there who has similar interests and passions that could be possible dating material.

How to Manage Anger with Appropriate Assertiveness

by Dr. John Schinnerer

The boss’ face is red with rage as he screams obscenities at his subordinate. The boss yells words he will later regret. The subordinate focuses on breathing deeply and staying calm as he watches his boss spin out of emotional control. In the face of his boss’ fury, the subordinate remains composed and, thus, is able to think clearly. When the manager finishes his tirade, the 25-year-old subordinate asserts himself, ‘I understand you are upset. It frustrates me when you yell at me. I need you to speak to me in a calm tone of voice.’

Assertiveness is the courage to do the right thing, at the right time, in the right manner, despite a known risk of negative consequences. Assertiveness basically comes down to courage – the courage to do what you know is right, in your heart, despite the possibility of negative consequences.

Assertiveness exists on a continuum between the poles of docile and aggressive. Think of assertiveness as a matter of degree; it exists on a 1 through 10 scale where 1 is meek and 10 is overly aggressive. For most people, assertiveness varies according to the situation. For example, the hard-nosed, results-driven executive may be highly assertive at work, yet be quite meek when it comes to dealing with his wife and teenage daughter at home. So assertiveness is environment-specific. Usually, your degree of assertiveness is couched within a role that you play – parent, spouse, boss, friend, and so on.

The goal is to learn how to be appropriately assertive without being a bully. While difficult, it is possible with practice and awareness.

Stop Being a Wimp

Most people are wimps, at least to some degree, in some situation. Wimps are people who cannot or will not say ‘No’ mainly out of fear.

You may be a ubiquitous wimp which means that you are wimpy in every situation, with everyone. Or you may be a situation-specific wimp. These wimps can be a tyrant at work and a pushover at home, forceful with strangers yet completely spineless with friends. Wimpiness can vary according to the situation. Many wimps feel more comfortable being assertive in some areas of their life than others. Please understand that I use the term ‘wimp’ with respect and understanding. I work on my own assertiveness continuously.

Understand that being a wimp works pretty well in the short run because you don’t risk upsetting anyone. You just let others have their way and no one’s knickers get in a knot. However, in the long run, your anger and disappointment get buried deep inside you. As you try to stuff more and more anger inside your emotional gas tank, the tank eventually overflows resulting in irritation, or even outbursts of rage as well as passive-aggressive behavior. You get angry at the wrong people, people who don’t deserve your wrath. Holding your emotions inside can also lead to physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, high blood pressure, stroke, and even heart attacks. In short, wimpiness is bad for you and destructive to your health and happiness. For a meaningful, happy and healthy life, you must learn to be appropriately assertive.

So what can you do? How do you stop being a wimp and start being assertive?

Identify Your Top Values

First, identify those values that are most important to you. The purpose for identifying your deepest values is to give you some guidance during difficult or confusing times. When your values are clear, it’s much easier to decide upon a course of action and act with confidence. Your values will be the foundation of your new assertiveness.

Ask yourself the following questions…

What do I value? With what degree of certainty?

Which values am I willing to publicly declare?

What values am I willing to die for?

Once you’ve identified your values, then you must figure out how consistent your words are with your feelings, thoughts and actions.

The more authentic you are, the greater your quality of life is. Authenticity means that your values are consistent with your words, feelings and actions. The greater the consistency between your internal world and your external world, the more authenticity you have. Values guide the whole thing, your whole life. Values give you a decision-making framework. Values are most important when you are under duress. Values are critical when you are stressed out, depressed or tired.

However, in order for them to be any use to you at all, you have to know your top 5 values by rote. They have to be automatic, unconscious, repeated over and over until they are known by heart. It’s not enough to look at them once or twice a year. Infrequent value visits are not enough to sear them into your long-term memory. To get you started, a list of the top values that exist throughout the world is available free of charge at Guide To Self

Figure Out How You Want Others to Treat You

If you want other people to treat you differently, you need to know how you want to be treated. Do you want your wife to stop yelling at you? Do you want more respect from your husband? Do you want your boss to speak to you in an indoor tone of voice? Do you want your children to help pick up the house?

Figure out exactly how you want other people in your life to treat you. Look at what is making you angry or irritated throughout the day. Make a mental note of each thing. Then figure out what you’d like to change in each relationship in your life. In which areas of your life is there injustice? What are you tolerating? What are you putting up with? As you unearth the answers to these questions, the priorities for assertive action will automatically unfold.

Ask for What You Want

After you have figured out how you want to be treated, then ask for it. This step takes courage, yet it gets easier the more frequently you do it. And it’s not as hard as you believe it is. You must learn to express yourself, the real you; what you truly want; how you truly feel, if you want to be treated with more respect. When you learn to state how you feel and what you want, your whole life will begin to change for the better.

When you are asking for what you want, be as specific as possible. Keep it as short as possible and hold that thought in your mind, that way you can hold onto it even in the midst of an emotionally-charged conversation.

To stop being a wimp, act with courage. It may feel awkward at first. Every new behavior feels a little strange at first. Most new behaviors take roughly 4 weeks to take hold. After four weeks, your authentic communication of your thoughts, feelings and needs will fit like a glove and you’ll be wondering why you hadn’t done it sooner.

Practice Saying ‘No’

Many of us have gotten in a dangerous habit of saying ‘Yes’ to everyone and everything. However, it’s merely a bad habit which can be changed. If you have trouble with saying ‘No,’ if that is too uncomfortable, simply use the phrase, ‘I’ll think about it.’ This is merely a temporary stop-gap. It buys you time. Using the phrase ‘I’ll think about it’ will hold off the other party for a time, but it raises your anxiety because you are only delaying giving a final answer. So realize that the ultimate goal is to be able to say ‘No’ with a clear conscience. You have a right to say ‘No’ to any request that comes your way. You have an obligation to take care of yourself first and foremost.

Learn to Love Change

The next step in becoming more assertive is to learn to love change. As you begin to live by your values and become more assertive, your relationships will change. You are going to make some changes to your life and the way in which you interact with other people. In addition, the only unchanging thing in this life is the fact that change will be constant. The best you can do is learn to love change.

Identify What Makes You Afraid – And Go After It

Many of us wimps have created massive fears over what will happen when we finally say ‘No.’ We get into catastrophic, all-or-nothing negative thinking.

Most often, these are irrational fears that have been blown up to monstrous proportions. Odds are that none of these things will actually happen if you stand up and rightly assert yourself. Remember to challenge your fears and your negative thoughts. Often, thoughts and feelings do not tell the truth. It is important to challenge negative thoughts. Don’t let them go by without speaking back to them. Check them against reality. Check your thoughts out with other people. Find out what people you trust have to say about the matter.

Please realize that assertiveness is NOT the same as aggressiveness. You don’t have to be rude or impolite to be assertive. You don’t have to attack someone to let them know of your thoughts and your feelings. You have the right to stand up for your rights. You have the right to say ‘No’ and to take proper care of yourself. You have the right to stand up and ask for what you want and need. The worst that can happen is that they say ‘No. You can’t have that.’

In any case, you need to know what makes your life worth living. And then stand up for what you value.

Ask for it.

Demand it.

Fight for it.

You deserve it.

Summary

In closing, keep in mind that assertiveness requires some courage. Courage only exists when you feel some degree of fear. The act of overcoming your fear is known as courage.

Assertiveness is the courage to do the right thing, at the right time, in the right manner despite possible adverse consequences.

Think of assertiveness on a 1 to 10 scale where 1 is meek and 10 is overly aggressive. Assertiveness usually varies by situation. It is environment-specific.

The ultimate goal is to learn how to be properly assertive without using intimidation to get what you want.