What is jealousy and why does it hurt so much?

from: oshotimes

Jealousy is comparison. And we have been taught to compare, we have been conditioned to compare, always compare. Somebody else has a better house, somebody else has a more beautiful body, somebody else has more money, somebody else has a more charismatic personality. Compare, go on comparing yourself with everybody else you pass by, and great jealousy will be the outcome; it is the by-product of the conditioning for comparison.

Otherwise, if you drop comparing, jealousy disappears. Then you simply know you are you, and you are nobody else, and there is no need. It is good that you don’t compare yourself with trees, otherwise you will start feeling very jealous: why are you not green? And why has existence been so hard on you — and no flowers? It is better that you don’t compare with birds, with rivers, with mountains; otherwise you will suffer. You only compare with human beings, because you have been conditioned to compare only with human beings; you don’t compare with peacocks and with parrots. Otherwise, your jealousy would be more and more: you would be so burdened by jealousy that you would not be able to live at all.

Comparison is a very foolish attitude, because each person is unique and incomparable. Once this understanding settles in you, jealousy disappears. Each is unique and incomparable. You are just yourself: nobody has ever been like you, and nobody will ever be like you. And you need not be like anybody else, either.

Existence creates only originals; it does not believe in carbon copies.

A bunch of chickens were in the yard when a football flew over the fence and landed in their midst. A rooster waddled over, studied it, then said, “I’m not complaining, girls, but look at the work they are turning out next door.”

Next door great things are happening: the grass is greener, the roses are rosier. Everybody seems to be so happy — except yourself. You are continuously comparing. And the same is the case with the others, they are comparing too. Maybe they think the grass in your lawn is greener — it always looks greener from the distance — that you have a more beautiful wife.... You are tired, you cannot believe why you allowed yourself to be trapped by this woman, you don’t know how to get rid of her — and the neighbor may be jealous of you, that you have such a beautiful wife! And you may be jealous of him....

Everybody is jealous of everybody else. And out of jealousy we create such hell, and out of jealousy we become very mean.

An elderly farmer was moodily regarding the ravages of the flood. “Hiram!” yelled a neighbor, “your pigs were all washed down the creek.”
“How about Thompson’s pigs?” asked the farmer.
“They’re gone too.”
“And Larsen’s?”
“Yes.”
“Humph!” ejaculated the farmer, cheering up. “It ain’t as bad as I thought.”

If everybody is in misery, it feels good; if everybody is losing, it feels good. If everybody is happy and succeeding, it tastes very bitter.

But why does the idea of the other enter in your head in the first place? Again let me remind you: because you have not allowed your own juices to flow; you have not allowed your own blissfulness to grow, you have not allowed your own being to bloom. Hence you feel empty inside, and you look at each and everybody’s outside because only the outside can be seen.

You know your inside, and you know the others’ outside: that creates jealousy. They know your outside, and they know their inside: that creates jealousy. Nobody else knows your inside. There you know you are nothing, worthless. And the others on the outside look so smiling. Their smiles may be phony, but how can you know that they are phony? Maybe their hearts are also smiling. You know your smile is phony, because your heart is not smiling at all, it may be crying and weeping.

You know your interiority, and only you know it, nobody else. And you know everybody’s exterior, and their exterior people have made beautiful. Exteriors are showpieces and they are very deceptive.

Just Say No to Guilt Trips

by Cookie Tuminello

“When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.” - Woody Allen

I just fell out laughing when I read this quote because it so relates to life. So, how many times have you felt guilty and gone back? Or better yet, how many times has feeling guilty cost you time and money in your business?

Last week I mentioned in my article, “Are Your Boundaries Set in Sand or Stone?” that my Mom was a ‘travel agent for guilt trips.’ That brought me back to a time in my life when I went on those 5 Star trips without ever booking a flight! I never packed my suitcase or left the couch, but there I was, off on another miserable one way, no refund, no fun, non-vacation to ‘Guilt Trip Land!”

This week, let’s examine a few of the biggest causes for you being an unwilling traveler on these often self-imposed guilt trips.

1. You ‘rent’ out space in your head to other people’s behaviors and beliefs. Oh boy! How many times have you sat around feeling guilty because of something someone has said to you? Their negative put-downs have taken up permanent residence in your brain causing you to ‘freeze’ in your tracks, and mull over and over and over every single word they said until you believe it to be the truth. That’s when guilt rears its ugly head and says, ‘I TOLD you that if you didn’t do... then there would be a price to pay. You DESERVE to feel miserable! Just look at what you did!” Blah! Blah!

Whenever this scenario happens, you have my permission to jump ship and choose another ocean liner to vacation on because that vessel you’re on is going to sink faster than the Titanic at some point! Listening to others negative behaviors or accusations stirs up your ‘inner critic’ - that part of you that doesn’t believe you’re a worthwhile human being. Stop letting people ‘rent space in your head’ and causing you to feel guilty all the time! You deserve to have people in your life and business that totally support you and are positive, and only want the best for you. If they’re not meeting that criterion, then you may have to take out the big electric eraser and remove them from your space.

2. ‘You said you wanted to help out!’ I love this one! This is the response you get from people who can’t understand why you actually had the nerve to say NO to their request. They’re not really big on setting boundaries and they can’t fathom why you wouldn’t want to give 10 hours a week of your already jam-packed schedule to their wonderful cause, so their response to your ‘no’ answer is to state, “Well, you said you wanted to help out. You’re not going to make me go find someone else are you?” This is when they start to twist the knife to make you really feel guilty. And if you’re not clear about your intention this will take you on a trip through the wilderness. Just remember you decide what helping out looks like to you.

3. What do you mean you don’t want to listen to all my problems?! The nerve of you! How dare you not want to fill up time in your day and precious real estate in your head with somebody else’s problems? Some friends and employees just want to go on and on for the sake of talking to anyone who will listen. Don’t get me wrong. There are times when you just have to vent for a few minutes and then move onto a solution. However, last time I looked this was still America, Land of the Free, and you get to choose how you spent your time and who you want to listen to.

The bottom line is this. The reason that people try to guilt you is that somewhere along the way you gave permission for them to do this. Now it is time to take back that permission and set some boundaries around what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable in your world. When you do this, it frees up a whole lot of real estate in your head to be more creative, more productive, and more successful in your life and your business. It all starts with getting rid of old strategies that don’t work in order to develop new proven strategies that do work.

Self-Compassion: The Key to Improving Your Life Now

by Dr. Annette Colby

We all know what it’s like to want to live a better life. We want to be healed of our childhood wounds. We want to be free of the burdens that weigh us down. We want to feel happier and more content. We want to be engaged in a life we love. We want our hearts to sing, our minds to relax, and our bodies to feel good.

In over 20 years helping people make a shift into a more fulfilling life, I know firsthand what works and what doesn’t, what brings success and what brings struggle. From my years of interaction, I have found one tool that makes the most difference to people’s successful transformation. That tool is self-compassion.

What is self-compassion? Consider your answers to these questions:

• Are you compassionate and gentle to yourself when you lose, fail, or face disappointment as well as when you win or excel?

• Are you kind and forgiving to yourself when you feel regret and sadness?

• Do you build yourself up instead of beating yourself down?

• Are you more likely to think, “Everybody makes mistakes now and then” or fall into a “I’m such a loser” attitude?

In short, self-compassion is having mercy and sweetness for yourself no matter what else you might be experiencing. It is the ability to treat yourself kindly in the face of failure, rejection, defeat, and other difficult experiences. And it is the ability to accept yourself as human, having a wide variety of human experiences.

There are always things in life or in ourselves that we are not quite satisfied with. Cultivating self-compassion helps you focus on your present circumstance with more kindness and less judgment. By doing so, you are more likely to relax and find your creative center. Tapping into deep inner creative resources can lead you to discover new solutions to life’s unpleasant events.

When things get rough, take a breath, and give yourself a big compassionate break. You deserve it!

Managing Anger Using Assertiveness Skills

by Mike C. Powers

Anger is a natural emotion, but often times, people don't express anger. Anger has a way of expressing itself on its own. Letting anger express itself like this is unhealthy and can have negative consequences.

A person who lets his anger express out of control will tell you how draining it is afterward. It can be both physically and emotionally tiring, and often times it can lead to a real emotional breakdown.

This is why it is important to express your anger in a way where you are in control of the anger, and not the other way around. This is where assertiveness skills and learning how to be assertive comes into play.

Assertiveness Skills

What is assertive? What does being assertive mean to you? Some think of assertiveness as being over bearing. Others identify assertiveness with being strong and in control.

It is important to note that there is a huge difference between expressing anger assertively and expressing it aggressively.

Assertive communication skills have to do with expressing how you feel while being in control of those feelings. Being assertive in expressing anger means being able to tell the subject of your anger what you want and what they can do to resolve your underlying issue that is causing you anger. Communicating this clearly is always better than getting into a tirade of eruptive behaviors.

Managing Anger using Assertiveness Skills

Often times we become angry because we do not like the way something is being done or we do not like the way we are being treated by someone. Instead of getting haphazardly angry, you can try to communicate with the other person about the situation. Perhaps, the other person is unaware of your needs or is unaware that he is upsetting you. You have nothing to lose by being assertive and explaining your point of view and what you want.

Using assertiveness skills in this way means being in control of your emotions and being able to express such emotions in a composed, intelligent manner. Being composed ensures that you get your point across without getting your anger across as well.

Of course, it will always be difficult to think straight when one is angry. It may temporarily feel good to lash out at someone in anger, but this is the challenge and art of mastering assertiveness.

Developing assertiveness skills will take time, but the more you use assertive communication skills in dealing with anger, the better your assertiveness skills will get. Like most life skills, assertiveness skills can be developed over time.

And once you learn how to calmly assert yourself, it will take a life of its own. It will enable you to express yourself confidently and allow you to get what you want without resorting to whining, childish behavior, and more importantly, getting into fits of anger.

How to Economy-Proof Your Family

by Isabel B. Kirk

Finances and money have for always being the number one cause of relationships failure. Many people say, “he/she was my friend until I lent him/her some money and things were never the same.” It has been proven by the American Psychological Association that during bad economic times, any relationships, mostly marriages suffer. In fact, financial issues continue to rank as one of the top reasons that couples get divorced and family members stop contacting each other. The fact is that money is not the issue, but the way we communicate around it.

During this global economic crisis nobody is immune to the stresses it causes. But let’s try to not ad more pressure with unnecessary situations that isolate us from our loved ones, especially in the moments when we need them the most.

To economic proof your family, keep in mind the following tips:


1) Be honest with yourself and communicate openly: Set time apart to go over your family’s overall financial situation. This should include personal, couple’s, children if there are any, and household expenses. Do not avoid any matters for fear that you might have to decide to cut some expenses. If there is something in particular that really worries you, admit it to yourself and put it on the top of the list of priorities to discuss.

2) Use your negotiation skills and respect other’s priorities. Let’s be honest. Deciding what to cut from the budget can be one of the touchiest issues. Therefore, here is where is important to apply your active listening skills to come out with a win-win situation for everybody. It is crucial that one person does not try to decide alone what is most important or least important for the whole family. This is when resentment and hurt feelings can affect relationships. Many arguments do not begin because of money itself but because one person feels hurt than another didn’t respect or even realize how important this or that was for him/her. Get out of yourself and be sensitive to other’s point of views. Ah… and only expect other members to give up or sacrifice as much as you are willing to.

3) Involve the whole family: Work together while working on your individual goals. Instead of trying to make decisions on your own __maybe because you do not want to worry your partner or your family__ include all members. If you hold the stress by yourself, you will only be more vulnerable and irritable. This usually only ends up causing arguments or blow outs that the rest of the family won’t understand because they didn’t know what was going in the first place.

4) Use your creativity: If certain cut offs in expenses have to be made, instead of looking at them as terrible news, try to present other options that would still accomplish what the final goal. Remember that in life is all about attitude. In many cases leisure budgets get hurt first. May be this is the time to do other things that might have been in the back of your mind for a while. eg. If this year you won’t be able to take the whole family to Disney World, what about suggesting to go on a road camping trip to a new and exciting location? Then leave the board open for other members’ suggestions within the new budget.

5) Be willing to make sacrifices. Remember that these changes are temporary. A lot of people do not want to give up “their lifestyle” but we need to keep in mind that this is not forever is just a temporary adjustment during the crisis. So what about using a different perspective? Instead of thinking that you have to ‘give up’ your lifestyle, you can think of changing or adjusting your life style for a while? It is incredible the power that the words we choose have on our mental wellbeing.

6) Finally and most importantly: Remember what you are thankful for. To not feel pushed down by the current situation it is important to continue to focus on the positive aspects of your life. Come on, no matter how hard it gets, there is always something to be thankful for. Remember that though times are part of life and only that, a part of it. Do not forget the good things that you have in life and, even less, to share them with your loved ones.

*Optional exercise to combine steps 2 and 3: Start for coming up with a number or amount that represents the budget cut goal. Every member of the family needs to write a list of 3 things that are important but not absolutely necessary in their lives and then, rank them from 1 to 3 in level of importance. Next, put the price or cost next to it. The parents might assume the biggest chunk of the responsibility. For example, 70% of the cut and then divide the rest among the number of children. By applying percentages, each member has to come up with the best possible combination in order to achieve their respective goal amounts. It is a great way for the family to work together, get to know each other a little better, and promote involvement in the overall final decision while respecting each individual’s freedom.

It's All About Love!

by Margaret Paul

What is life REALLY all about? It's all about love!

But what does this mean?

Most people, when thinking about love, think about BEING LOVED. But, as an adult, the deeper soul's journey is not about being loved - it is about BEING LOVING. For small children, the main focus is on being loved, but as we grow up we need to shift our focus from being loved to being loving. When we do not shift our focus, we end up missing out on what life is all about.

Being loving is about supporting our own and others highest good with kindness, caring, understanding, and compassion.

When We Are Loving to Ourselves, We Are Loving to Others

Contrary to what many people believe, being loving to ourselves is not at all about being selfish. Being loving to ourselves means that we are taking full responsibility for our own feelings and needs so that we are not needy, selfish, and demanding of others to do this for us. It is when we are not loving ourselves that we selfishly make others responsible for giving to us the love that we are not giving to ourselves, and try to have control over getting their love.

Being loving to ourselves never means that we disregard others' feelings and needs. It doesn’t mean that we ignore the effect our behavior has on others. We are being selfish rather than loving when we do not consider the consequences of our actions on others.

At the same time, being loving to ourselves means that we do not allow someone's needy and demanding behavior to determine our choices. For example, if you want to do something that is important to you and your partner is angry because he or she wants you to attend to him or her rather than do what brings you joy, it is your partner who is being selfish by not supporting what brings you joy. By doing what truly brings you joy, you are not only being loving to yourself, you are also being loving to your partner by giving him or her an opportunity to learn and grow into being a more loving, supportive, personally responsible person. If you give in and do not do what brings you joy, you are not only abandoning yourself, you are robbing your partner of growing opportunities. This is not loving.

When We Are Loving to Others, We Are Loving to Ourselves

It is not loving to ourselves to be unloving to others - to be harsh, blaming, angry, judgmental, mean, or unkind. We can never feel happy with ourselves when we are treating others in unkind ways.

Being loving to others means being kind, understanding, compassionate, empathic, supportive, and open to learning about their feelings and beliefs. It does NOT mean that we take responsibility for their feelings and needs. We can care about their feelings and needs, and care about the effects our behavior has on them, without taking responsibility for how they are treating themselves and what they are telling themselves that are causing their own distress.

When loving others, we have to accept that it is their own treatment of themselves and their own beliefs that cause their pain, not our choices. We enable others rather than love them when we take responsibility for their happiness and pain. The challenge here is to care about others' feelings and needs without taking responsibility for them.

When we care about and take responsibility for our own pain and joy, and compassionately care about others pain and joy without taking responsibility for them, we are being loving to ourselves and others. Learning to do this is what life is all about!

Complain Pill: Throw it Down the Drain!

by Valery Satterwhite

Why is that? Why do people complain and complain and complain? What do they get out of it?

Studies have shown that women were more likely than men to use complaints as an indirect request for action, while men were more likely to use complaints to excuse behavior or to make themselves seem superior. ("Women and Language" Sept. 22 2006)

Do I hear complaints voiced about the above statement?

Complaining can be damaging to your health, your level of productivity and your life in general. Complaining is not an observance of what is going on, it is far more than mere observation, it is a creative act. Complaining is the act of reinforcing what you don’t want and, thereby, creating even more of it. It’s the act of dwelling on, staying stuck in, the negative.

When you complain, your Inner Critic, that voice of self-doubt and fear, is hard at work. This Inner Critic is working so hard to keep you safe an comfortable in your comfort zone that complaining may have become a daily habit. You may not even realize how much you complain! Habits become so routine that people often don't even notice their own habitual patterns.

The more you complain, the better you feel about yourself. It is the Inner Critic's way of showing you how messed up the rest of the world is and, by comparison, you're not that messed up. Or whatever is lacking in your experience is not your fault; it's the fault of those morons, idiots, and incompetents!

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain; and most fools do." - Benjamin Franklin
So many people complain that it is often a good common ground from which to start a conversation. And this is what I observed that morning at Starbucks. And again with a client on the phone that afternoon. And again at dinner with friends. And again while watching television. The news and sitcoms were ripe with people complaining about this, that or the other thing.

Complaining has become the latest feel good pill. People gripe and moan about things that are seemingly out of their control so they can excuse what's not working in their lives. The trouble is, the more you complain the more experiences you have of 'not working for me'. When you complain you may feel superior but you don't feel good. When you complain you might get someone to do something but the satisfaction last for only a fleeting moment so you find another thing to complain about because you are, fundamentally, unsatisfied with your life. It's a dangerous vicious cycle.

Complaining traps you in a world of negativity. The negativity, like it or not, is your comfort zone. It's what you know. You don't even know what it's like to go through life, let alone a day, without complaining. When you complain you keep yourself stuck right where you are in the complaint zone constantly on the lookout for more things to be or go wrong. It's what you expect so that's what you get. People always get what they expect at their deepest level. When you complain you are focused upon that which you do not want. And you get what you give your energy, attention and focus to.

Complaining, therefore, robs you of the opportunity to live an exceptional life. Complaining spreads negative energy and negative energy cannot create a positive outcome. It is as simple as that.

How do you reverse the complaining cycle?

Deliberately and mindfully notice your words, the daily conversations you have and the conversations you're exposed to. For the next 24 hours, notice when you voice a complaint and write it down. You'll be surprised how many times you complain in one day! Look at your complaints. Without judgment as yourself what was the underlying benefit you hoped to achieve with the complaint? Were you making an excuse so you wouldn't be blamed for something or wouldn't have to do something? Were you aggravated and wanted to make yourself feel better by letting off some steam?

Ask yourself what was it that you really wanted when you complained? It usually boils down to wanting to feel better about yourself, your experience and your circumstance. Complaining won't get you there. Deliberately finding something good about yourself, your experience and your circumstance will get you to that place of feeling better.

For example, if you're stuck in traffic remind yourself that you have a car to get you from place to place. If the driver in the lane next to you cut you off or is talking on his cell phone remind yourself that you have the good sense and ability to avoid this person. If someone messed up your coffee order remind yourself that this person didn't get up in the morning with plans to put too much mocha in your frappy. The mistake wasn't deliberate. People do the best they can. And while you're at it, lighten up on yourself as well. You didn't get out of bed this morning with the intention of having a miserable day. You're doing the best you can too.

"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." - Ziggy

Why Some People Quit and Some People Never Give Up

By Tom Venuto

Throughout my years in the fitness industry as a trainer, nutrition consultant, and motivational coach, I have noticed that some people who start a nutrition and exercise program give up very easily after hitting the first obstacle they encounter. If they feel the slightest bit of discouragement or frustration, they will abandon even their biggest goals and dreams.

On the other hand, I noticed that some people simply NEVER give up. They have ferocious persistence, and they never let go of their goals. These people are like the bulldog that refuses to release its teeth-hold on a bone. The harder you try to pull the bone out of his mouth, the harder the dog chomps down with a vice-like grip.

What's the difference between these two types of people? Psychologists say there is an answer.

An extremely important guideline for achieving fitness success is the concept that "There is no failure; only feedback. You don't 'fail'; you only get results."

This is a foundational principle from the field of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), and the first time I ever heard it was from peak performance expert Anthony Robbins back in the late 1980's. It's a principle that's stuck with me ever since, because it's a very, very powerful shift in mindset.

A lot of people will second-guess themselves, and they'll bail out and quit, just because what they try at first doesn't work. They consider it a permanent failure, but all they need is a little attitude change, a mindset change, or what we call a "reframe."

Instead of saying "This is failure," they can say to themselves, "I produced a result" and "This is only temporary." This change in perspective is going to change the way they feel and how they mentally process and explain the experience. It turns into a learning opportunity and valuable feedback for a course correction instead of a failure, and that drives continued action and forward movement.

It's all about your results and your interpretation of those results

Dr. Martin Seligman, a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, did some incredible research on this subject and wrote about it in his book "Learned Optimism." Dr. Seligman noticed that the difference between people who give up and people who persist and never quit is what he referred to as "explanatory style." He said that explanatory style is the way we explain or interpret bad events or failures.

People who habitually give up have an explanatory style of permanence. For example, they hit a plateau in their progress and explain it by saying "Diets never work" or "I have bad genetics, so I'll always be fat." These explanations imply permanence.

Other people hit the same plateaus and encounter the same challenges, but explain them differently. They say things such as "I ate too many cheat meals this week" or "I haven't found the right diet for my body type yet." These explanations of the results imply being temporary.

People who see negative results as permanent failure are the ones who give up easily and often generalize their "failure" into other areas of their lives and even into their own sense of self. It's one thing to say "I ate poorly this past week because I was travelling" (a belief about temporary behavior and environment), and another to say "I am a fat person because of my genetics" (a belief about identity with a sense of permanence). Remember, body fat is a temporary condition, not a person!

People who see challenges and obstacles as temporary and as valuable learning experiences are the ones who never quit. If you learn from your experiences, not repeating what didn't work in the past, and if you choose to never quit, your success is inevitable.

To Improve Your Relationships, Learn to Like Yourself

by Royane Real

Can you really say that you like yourself? Or that you love yourself?

For many of us, this is a hard thing to do. We are so critical of ourselves.

When we don't have good self esteem, many areas of our life will suffer. We will find it hard to make good relationships and friendships. We will feel devastated if we think someone else doesn't like us. A lack of self esteem can send us on a downward spiral of loneliness and depression.

Feeling that nobody likes us or loves us is one of the most agonizing and devastating feelings in the world. Feeling as if you are unliked and unloved is tremendously depressing, because human beings are hard wired to be social creatures. We need to feel like a part of a group, or a part of humanity, even though we also want to be appreciated as unique human beings.

If you have been feeling unliked by everybody else, the first thing you need to do is to ask yourself if it’s really true. Is it absolutely true that nobody likes you, and that nobody loves you? Or is it just a few people you’re worried about? Are you making your situation much worse than it is because you are putting yourself down, or imagining that others are hostile towards you?

Sometimes we get really down on ourselves, and we start to exaggerate all the bad things that are going on in our lives. For example, if someone snubs us or hurts us, we might expand the event to make it much more negative and extreme than what really happened.

Instead of saying to ourselves, “Well it looks like Judy was in too much of a hurry to talk to me today.” We say instead, “Judy didn’t want to talk to me. She probably hates me or thinks I’m stupid. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m cool enough for her. I’ll bet everybody is laughing at me behind my back, even though they pretend to be nice to my face. I probably don’t have any real friends, but maybe it’s because I’m sort of strange. In some ways, I’m not really normal. No wonder nobody likes me. Everything is terrible.”

Once you start to say negative things to yourself, you will also start to imagine a lot of negative thoughts coming from other people, even though you don’t have any real evidence. The negative thoughts you feed yourself will hurt you even worse than the negative things other people may say about you.

Once you start a chain of negative put downs of yourself, you will set off a cycle of depression and lack of confidence. Your self esteem will plummet. That is a shame, because it’s your own sense of self esteem and self support you really need to have, especially when it seems that other people may be saying negative things about you.

Let’s face it, it does take confidence to interact with other people. If you don’t have confidence in yourself, you won’t get the courage to mix with others. If you run into people who are bullies and intimidators, you won’t know how to value yourself.

The real reason we feel threatened when other people seem as if we don’t like us is because it can trigger our inner fears that we really aren’t good enough.
If you experience a situation where you feel that nobody likes you, it can be a signal that you need to like yourself.

Law of Attraction Relationship Success

by Nea Joy

Law of Attraction is a Universal Law, thus it impacts every part of your existence, including your love life. If dysfunctional or otherwise unsuccessful relationships are your pattern, do not give up hope. It's easy to feel scared, mistreated, or even cursed if you've had a series of partnerships that did not work out according to your plans. However, there is great news. With a little guidance, you can experience true love and have the relationship of your dreams.

Here are a few tips to get you started:

• Don't fear loneliness.

Many people obsess about finding the right person because they fear growing old alone. Fear is a creative thought, as all thoughts are, and you won't like what it creates for you. Being alone is something you should embrace rather than fear. If you fear it, you will disallow Law of Attraction manifestations and potential lovers may be scared away by your noticeable neediness. Your desire for a relationship must be a pure desire, not a desperate yearning based on fear of lack.

• Be happy before the relationship.

If you are thinking "I will be so happy when I find the love of my life," you're missing a piece of the puzzle. Happiness attracts happiness, so do whatever it takes to feel good now. It is never the job of another person to make you happy. In fact, the relationship will suffer immensely if both parties are not already happy with themselves.

• Tame your expectations.

Disappointment is around the corner if you expect your partner to meet all of your needs, do things the way you think is right, make changes at your request, and meet a lot of other expectations that are firmly set in your mind.
You'll find that success comes easier when you enter a relationship with the mindset of what you can bring to it rather than what you can get from it. Unless you've reached full enlightenment and spiritual mastery, you are a work in progress. Therefore, you have plenty of room to become the best person that you can be for the relationship. Let this always be your focus.

• Deeply know the person you are dating.

Unhappy relationships often stem from a failure to learn and understand each other while dating. Pay attention to a potential mate's character by observing how they interact with the world, not just how they interact with you. You may want to keep looking if you've found a person who is currently pleasant to you, yet they speak harshly to their parents, break the law, lie to employers, disrespect colleagues, and/or shirk responsibility for their children. After all, everything a person thinks and does is a reflection of where they are on their path in life right now.
Although it can be tempting to think that they will be different with you, this is not likely to prove true. When a person shows you who they are, believe them. And most importantly—do not assume that they will change for you.

• Fully accept your partner.

Once you've chosen to move forward in a relationship with someone, fully accept them for who they are. Accepting is evidence of pure love. And pure love summons Law of Attraction to manifest positive circumstances in your life. A lack of acceptance, on the other hand, is a breeding ground for unhappiness. Relationships are simply not fulfilling when either partner feels that they cannot follow the path that feels natural to them.

• Change yourself instead of your partner.

Your "work" is always to be the best you that you can be. This self improvement will benefit both you and your relationship. The more you realize that you are every bit as perfectly imperfect as your mate, the less time you will have to try changing the other person. Demands to change are usually met with resistance because humans value freedom above everything else. That resistance may eventually take the form of resentment that leads to a partner seeking freedom outside of the confines of the relationship.

If you find yourself constantly demanding changes from your partner (no matter how large or small), this means that you have work to do on yourself. Work on your ability to unconditionally love and accept the person if you want to remain in a relationship with them. Law of Attraction will respond to a positive thought of love with more positive thoughts of love. And as you accumulate loving, positive thoughts, you will allow the Universe to manifest positive improvements in your relationship.

• Change your thinking.

Because individuals are so different, there will always be things about your significant other that seem less than ideal. You may hate it when your partner leaves toothpaste in the sink, tinkles on the toilet seat, or drinks out of the orange juice container. It is fine to let the person know what bothers you, but your work is really to change how you look at it. Remember, the problem is not what you are observing. You feel annoyed, angry, or upset because of what you are thinking about what you are observing. Changing the other person is an uphill battle, but changing your thoughts is completely doable.

If you will offer thoughts of gratitude and have a renewed outlook, Law of Attraction will bring you more reasons to appreciate. Instead of thinking "I hate it when he leaves the toilet seat up," try thinking "I'm perfectly capable of putting the toilet seat down myself." Instead of thinking "She spends too much time working and not enough time with me and the kids," try thinking "I love her for trying so hard to balance work and family."

• Know when to let go.

You do yourself and your partner a disservice by remaining in a relationship that is full of unhappiness, anger, pressure, arguing, and resentment. Those resistant thoughts and feelings disallow Law of Attraction manifestations, thus negatively impacting your life experience in more areas than just your love life. It is wonderful to do all that you can to accept your partner, but you should also have the courage to leave when you've exhausted your efforts. Love yourself and the other person enough to let go when necessary.

• Re-evaluate how you measure relationship success.

Be wary of confusing success with longevity. Countless relationships endure the test of time, despite the fact that one or both partners live in complete misery. That type of longevity indicates tolerance, not success. Measure success by how satisfied you are with the person you have become in the relationship. Are you growing as a person by paying attention to who you are in relation to challenges that arise with your partner? Are you maintaining a positive vibration that allows Law of Attraction to manifest your desires? You should be co-creating a beautiful life with the person you love rather than simply hoping to reach a certain number of years together.

Make a Midlife Crisis Work for You

By Jennifer Warner

Rather than letting fear and anxiety restrict your life choices and leave you in a rut, experts say you can look at a midlife crisis as an opportunity for personal growth.

Linda Sapadin, author of Master Your Fears: How to Triumph over Your Worries and Get on with Your Life, recommends these steps for using a midlife crisis to your advantage:

• Do one gutsy thing. Do something despite feeling uncomfortable or fearful about it. "That's one way to move outside of your comfort zone, rather than be depressed, anxious, or dissatisfied, which is the essence of a midlife crisis," says Sapadin.
• Use children as role models. Most people are ashamed to admit they're jealous of their kids. But you could look to them as role models during this time. If they're not afraid to take a risk or do something, you may be able to learn from them and become more socially and physically active.
• Delight in difficulty. Reframe how you think about difficulty. Rather than thinking of something difficult as exhausting or that you can't do it, think of it as an opportunity to pick up skills you never thought you'd have, such as taking up a new sport or hobby. You can do it as an individual, couple, or as a family.

"When people at midlife stop worrying so much about pleasing others and measuring themselves by other peoples' standards, then they begin to think more about what they want, and that is a positive aspect of a midlife crisis," says Sapadin.

10 Tips for Preventing Acne

by Web MD

1. Keep your face clean. Whether or not you have acne, it's important to wash your face daily to remove impurities, dead skin cells, and excess oil from the skin surface. Use warm, not hot, water and a mild facial cleanser. Using a harsh soap (like deodorant body soap) can injure the already inflamed skin and cause more irritation.

Avoid scrubbing your skin harshly with a washcloth, exfoliating glove, or loofah (a coarse-textured sponge). Gently wash it with your clean hands or a very soft cloth. Always rinse well, and then dry your face with a clean towel. (Toss the towel in the laundry hamper, as dirty towels spread bacteria.)

2. Moisturize. Many topical acne products contain ingredients that dry the skin, so always use a moisturizer that minimizes dryness and skin peeling. A gel-based moisturizer usually works well for oily skin. If you have dry skin, try a moisturizing cream or lotion. Combination skin may need two products (cream or lotion for the dry section; a gel for the oily part). Always hydrate your skin with water before you moisturize it.

3. Try an over-the-counter acne product. Topical (those applied to the skin) acne products may contain ingredients such as benzoyl peroxide, an antibacterial agent with a drying effect, or salicylic acid, an agent that sloughs off skin and gets rid of bacteria. Start with a small amount at first. Then increase or decrease the amount and how often you apply it, depending on how much peeling or drying you have. Use these ointments with caution if you have sensitive skin. Benzoyl peroxide can cause redness and scaling of the skin. It can also bleach your clothes, towel, and hair.

4. Use makeup sparingly. During a breakout, try to avoid wearing foundation, powder, or blush. If you do wear makeup, wash it off at the end of the day. If possible, select oil-free cosmetics without added dyes and chemicals. Water-based cosmetics are available. Read the ingredients list on the product label before buying.

5. Watch what you put on your hair. Avoid using fragrances, oils, and harsh chemicals on your hair. These ingredients can drip on the face, blocking the skin pores and irritating the skin. Stick to a gentle shampoo and conditioner. Oily hair can add to the oil on your face, so wash hair often, especially during a pimple outbreak. If your hair is long, keep it pulled off your face.

6. Keep your hands off your face. Avoid touching your face or propping your cheek or chin on your hands. Not only can you spread bacteria, you can also irritate the already inflamed facial skin. Never pick or pop pimples with your fingers, as it can result in infection and scarring.

7. Stay out of the sun. The sun's ultraviolet rays can increase inflammation and redness. Further, some oral and topical acne medications may increase the skin's sensitivity to sunlight. Whether you have pimples or not, always apply sunscreen with SPF 15 or higher at least 20 minutes before sun exposure. Look for a non-acnegenic sunscreen to decrease the chance of new pimples. Again, always read the ingredients on the product label to know what you're putting on your skin.

8. Feed your skin. Most experts agree that certain foods, like chocolate and chips, do not trigger pimple outbreaks. Still, it makes sense to avoid greasy food and junk food and add more fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains to your diet. Some studies show that eating foods high in vitamin A and beta-carotene may boost your immunity and skin health. Carrots, sweet potatoes, cantaloupe, apricots, kale, and spinach are all high in beta-carotene, the type of vitamin A produced by plants.

9. Exercise daily. Regular exercise is good for your mind and your body, including your skin -- the body's largest organ. Working out reduces anxiety and boosts blood flow throughout the body. When you exercise, avoid wearing clothing or using exercise equipment that rubs on the skin and may cause irritation. Also, avoid wearing hats, goggles, or helmets that cause you to sweat excessively, as this can irritate the skin and increase bacteria. Always shower or bathe right after exercise.

10. Chill! Experts believe that our emotional state is related to all aspects of health, including skin function. Some studies link stress with the severity of pimples or acne. Take time to understand your stress reactions. Also, try to figure out what's causing you to feel stressed. Find effective ways to deal with stress before it builds up and causes a breakout.

While pimples are normal during your teen years, it is important to learn some daily self-care steps to manage skin problems before they get more serious. If in doubt, check with your health care provider to see if further treatment is necessary for preventing or stopping pimples.

How to deal with workplace woes

by SASHWATI SANYAL

Remember the time when an emotional outburst in office earned you the tag of 'crybaby' for a lifetime. Often situations at work tend to become so volatile that you go through a personal trauma.

Here are some quick tips on how to recover without as much as even battling an eyelid.

Your colleague trying to create problems: A classic case where colleagues try to get the better of is when they complain about you to your boss or gossip behind your back. You have been diligently at work and then you get to know that your boss thinks you fudged up on the work they gave you. This is not the first time something like this has happened and so by now you are quite fed up.
Here's what you should do . When you get into such an emotional upheaval, confront the colleague you suspect could have done this. Or take others into confidence and spread the word that this particular person isn’t to be trusted with work.
Expert Tip: Psychologist Bharati Vidyarathi reveals that it's best to view the workplace as a battleground. “You are on your own and you have to take care of your dignity and respect even as you deliver a good performance. To achieve this, make sure your body language gives a clear indication about how much you are willing to bear. Take responsibility of your actions and acquire leadership skills. Do not let others know of what is going in your mind. Be clear about your goals and never get distracted by mundane office gossip and rumours.”

Boss picks on you unreasonably: Okay, so he/she bears a grudge against you. You probably make him/her feel insecure and hence to get at par with you, they make you the object of their ire. You are insulted, discouraged, given too much work and too many deadlines and supposed to deliver on time. Relax!
Here's what you should do. When your boss comments at you irrationally, and you can’t take it any more, force yourself to give a broad smile and accept it with a pinch of salt. Remember, what is important is the kind of work that you do and not your personal fashion statement.
Expert Tip: "Bosses do pick on employees they believe threaten their space in office and thus find ways and means to dominate them," says psychiatrist Dr. Amit Nagpal. According to Nagpal, the best thing to do to avoid a conflict is to keep thinking that you are the best atyour job. "Never let your performance get affected. If it gets too much at your office, take a break and talk to a colleague you can trust. Vent your fears and then resume. The trick is, the more your boss picks on you, the better your performance."

Meeting deadlines and balancing personal life: Almost every individual goes through this particular phase. There comes a time when managing both seem a burden often leading to high stress levels and lifestyle diseases. Both men and women go through frequent phases of guilt while trying to tackle the balancing game.
Here's what you should do. The next time you feel the guilt piling up on you and your nervous system seems to give way, go to the terrace of your office building and take deep breaths. Keep breathing until you begin to feel your muscles relax. Picture your guilt as a burden on your shoulders. And every time you have to meet deadlines, imagine yourself putting down your burden and doing your task, and taking it up once you are through. This will help you get your work done without feeling the pressure.
Expert Tip: Says HR executive, Manish Ahuja, “Every workplace today demands quite a bit out of you and one has to deliver irrespective of whatever crisis he/she might be facing in their personal lives. That is the reason offices today have recreational activities like a table tennis court, a gym or a great canteen to hang out in.”

You have a presentation and your child's PT meeting: Yes, yes we know you are desperate and want to give up your job.

Here's what you should do . If your presentation is very important or you have an important meeting to attend or a deadline to deliver, something you can’t give a miss, arrange another time of the day to reach your child’s school. If that isn’t workable, ask your spouse to pitch in or call up the school authorities and explain the situation. Expert Tip : Vidyarthi explains that during these times there is a lot of pressure on the parent and often it hampers the execution of the twin tasks. "Communicate your worries to your spouse and tell him/her about your guilt. Try to share the work pressure at home between the two of you. Always express your fears/worries and do not push them under the rug. In office, take your boss into confidence and tell him/her the situation at hand. It is important to remain calm and think with a clear head." You are sick and afraid to ask for another leave: One of the many hassles of a workplace. Very often, those with families tend to feel burdened about taking an off day if they fall sick. Even as most organisations provide sick leaves, they are mostly looked down upon as implying low efficiency and poor work turnover. Here's what you should do. If your sickness is because of stress or a medical problem, ensure you have a proper medical certificate made and delivered to your HR. Make it very clear to your colleagues and your boss that you are suffering and a quick holiday will see you back hale and hearty. Expert Tip: Ahuja explains, "Whenever an employee suffers from a prolonged sickness, we recommend that they go in for a thorough check up before he/she decides to resume work. Yes, there is a problem, if the sickness is recurring, however, even that could be adjusted with proper medical certificates and bills made available. The important thing is to realize that it's always better to communicate your feelings in an organisation and understand that there are people to look out for you." Adjusting to snide remarks in office: Office place constitutes a vast majority of people from a variety backgrounds and diverse sensibilities. Thus, it is always not possible to adjust to the work environment. Mostly because each one has their own goals and ambitions and would go to any means to accomplish them. Dealing with colleagues who believe in passing snide comments are tough, but then one has to learn the hard way. Here's what you should do. The next time you hear a remark being made, stop there, turn around and simply say ‘same to you’. Never take what you hear in your office to heart. As much as it affects your goals, remember, you have a life beyond office and that is what is more important. Expert Tip: Head of Persistence placement company, Alok Kaushik, points out, “Working in an organisation is a challenge. You hardly ever get what you want to do and the way you want to do it. But to be successful you have to find ways around the problem so as to achieve what you want. There will be people to bring you down, but remain consistent at your work and maintain cordiality towards every one. The bottom line being you never make best friends in office."