FireProof Your Marriage

by Mark Rogers, Ph.D.

The trailers about the new movie "Fireproof" look intriguing, especially the implications that other people could - and maybe should - work extra hard to help you manage your own marriage crisis.

It certainly fits our experience to believe that others who care about you can have a dramatic impact on the resolution of conflicts and the raising of a sense of personal responsibility for creating health where there has been neglect, diminishment, or dismissal. If you've been treating your mate with less dignity and respect than either of you deserve, then strong messages from your peers may well feel like a bucket of cold water thrown on a bonfire blazing with resentment or bitterness.

And maybe that's just what's needed.

Sometimes, we need to be shocked out of dismissive ruts, to be shaken awake to face the looming crisis. Our mates may have been crying out for our help, but our lack of response to their plight is part of the problem.

If you want a fireproof marriage, one that forestalls crisis and resists any kind of spontaneous combustion, there are five fundamentals - beyond loving each other - that our experience with couples convinces us must be mastered.

Practice these five principles, to insure your intimacy doesn't become an inferno:

1. Lean gently into (not away from) conflict. Learn how to softly, caringly, but genuinely express anger and resolve conflicts without battering each other. Keep your anger at the little "a" stage by talking about it early, before it has a chance to grow.

2. Walk towards what you want, step by step, instead of settling. Don't allow a zone of mildly miserable comfort to grow around your status quo. Keep tweaking the relationship towards your joint ideal, rather than gradually accept less and less.

3. Accept that your mate has immaturities, but require them to work as hard on theirs as you are working on yours. Inspire them rather than attempt to control them or manipulate them into doing for you what you find difficult to accomplish for yourself. Grow yourself up, and require that your mate does the same.

4. Listen instead of defend. When you perceive attack, don't get so defensive you can't hear the feelings of hurt, disappointment, or dismay flowing beneath the attack. In fact, you'll get far better results if you'll assume your mate's anger always has a companion emotion hiding behind the scowl. Listen for and respond to that feeling, and you'll create intimacy out of intensity.

5. Double your delight. Happy couples always have fun, no matter how difficult the current pathway is. Unhappy couples never have fun, and so all of their togetherness feels like struggle. Force yourself to have fun with each other, just like you were parents taking unruly kids on a vacation to Disneyland.

Want results? Do the opposite.

by Judi Perkins

Job hunters can be very passive: posting resumes on job boards
instead of frequently searching them; letting inept recruiters
contact them instead of finding recruiters who make things
happen; being too optimistic about a job prospect, saying "I
might as well check it out - why not?" and then saying "I knew
that. Why did I bother?"; wondering why so much time passes with
so few results.

Almost every candidate could be twice as pro-active as they
currently are. Instead of waiting for openings to find you, you
need to be looking for openings.

Finding your perfect job is about choice: the choice to apply -
or not, the choice to accept an interview - or not, the choice
to return for a second when you're invited to do so - or not.
It's not as much about accepting an offer or not, because by the
time you get to that stage - if you've been doing your homework
- you should know if you want to be that far along in the game.
If you don't, you should have cut out earlier.

Finding your perfect job is not about putting more eggs in your
basket as your search goes on, it's about taking them out of
your basket.

It's why I speak so often on the importance of knowing who you
are and what you want. You must know what motivates you, what
factors you're firm on and on which ones you'll compromise. For
instance, do you function better in a large environment or
small? Corporate or non-profit? Team focused or self motivated?
You do this by examining your previous jobs - what you liked and
didn't like, what worked or didn't, and why.

You can't go looking if you don't know what you're looking for.
Not only that, but you'll wait for it to come to you. You may be
saying, "Wait! I contacted some recruiters!" and "I did some
networking!" or "I've answered ads!" But that's not enough - and
while it's more difficult when you're employed, when you're
unemployed you have nothing but time. And finding a job can be a
full-time job.

Once you know what you're looking for, start placing eggs in
your basket. Comb the job boards, research search firms that
specialize in your discipline, contact and choose some
recruiters, network with your co-workers from previous jobs,
contact employers at companies in the area that seem attractive
- introduce yourself, ask for advice, see if they have
suggestions or connections.

You find opportunities that you wouldn't have known about if
you'd waited for everything to find you. You become energized
instead of discouraged. And as you learn more about the
personality of each company, the management style of each hiring
authority, the description of each job, you make the decision to
leave the egg in the basket or take it out. But the point is, if
it doesn't fit, you're making the choice to take it out, rather
than the company making the choice for you.

Obviously if something comes along that appears to fit your
profile, follow it up. But my point is having a lot of
opportunities from which to choose isn't a groovy thing if few
of them are viable. So don't wait around to see which of those
iffy things come through. Chuck them over your shoulder and get
after finding what you want!

Change is an anathema to most people. It's scary and
uncomfortable. When you're job searching passively - especially
if you think you're pro-active - you don't have to think about
what if you make the wrong decision, what if you don't like the
new job, what if you become unhappy at your new company, and
"Oh, I miss that job I had five years ago! I wish I hadn't quit!
"

But in fact, that's a fallacy. The only thing being passive
about job hunting does is ensure that your fears become
actualized. To avoid those fears coming true, you need to get
out there and make it happen. The process may be scary, but the
result is a relief. And the result is with you far longer than
the process is.

So instead of being passive, be pro-active and aggressive.
Instead of throwing eggs into your basket, know what you want so
that you can take them out. Instead of becoming inert because
you're afraid of the potential results, eliminate them by
thinking of ways to discover hidden opportunities so that you
get the result you want.

The person controlling the process is you. The person
responsible for finding your perfect job is you. The person who
must live with the outcome is you. So it's your choice: do you
want to do it the passive way? Or do you want to do the
opposite?

Seven Keys To Lasting Love

By Melody Brooke

It doesn’t matter how excited you are about your partner if you can’t stay on the same wavelength and keep a connection over time. Finding the right person is really less than half of what it takes to stay connected with someone. In working with couples and families over the past 18 years it has become clear to me that being in love, or even just loving someone, isn’t enough to keep the relationship going.

To maintain that magical feeling of love and special-ness in a relationship we have to be willing to take 150% ownership of the quality of the connection in our relationships. There are certain things we have to be willing to do and to continue doing if it is our intention to stay in love and in connection with our chosen partner.

The exciting thing is that it doesn’t matter if your relationship is only 6 months old or if its 20 years old, these things will work to deepen your connection. And, you don’t have to wait for the other person to do them, it’s not about what the other person does or doesn’t do. It’s about you deciding that you want to maintain that connection, and being willing to take that 150% ownership.

So here we go:

1) Love is an action: Show your partner how you feel about them every day, at least once a day. Do this even if you are in different states or countries. Show your care don’t just speak it. Saying “I love you” doesn’t deepen a connection unless it’s accompanied by actions. Leave love notes under your partner’s pillow when you are going to be out of town. Make sure the tires in his car have enough air in them before he leaves town. Hug her every time she walks in the door. Think to get her favorite flower once in a while, for no reason. Fix the leak in the bathroom he’s been complaining about. Wipe up the counter and pick up after yourself like she has been asking.

2) We are all kids at heart: Recognize that no matter how grown up your partner seems, they are really a little kid inside. (Oh yes, and so are you) We are all really just kids that have bodies that have aged. Inside all of us are the unmet needs of our childhood as well as the playful spontaneous joyful child that we once were. Throughout the time you spend with your partner, see if you can notice the kid inside them. Respond to that kid just as you would to a kid who has not yet grown older.

3) Bedtime sharing: If you live together, go to bed at the same time, together, every night. This is huge. That means turning off the TV, the night-light and the phone. This is your time together. Cuddle and talk, make love if the urge strikes but that is not the point. The point is to talk about your day, your worries, and your hopes. Discover that in spite of all the time you have spent together, you still don’t know each other. If you don’t live together, or are not together for whatever reason, talk on the phone after you climb into bed.

4) Don’t let things slide: When your partner says or does something you don’t agree with or that upsets you, tell them. Don’t just let it slide. This doesn’t mean making a mountain out of molehill, but be sure to give things that upset you the energy that they deserve. Pretending that something doesn’t matter doesn’t make it not matter. You may think it’s not important but over time these things add up and cause resentments and distance. You may not always have time to process the conflict at that moment, but at least let your partner know that you are having a problem and that you will need to discuss it later. When you go to bed together that night, discuss it, if you haven’t already.

5) You are not enemies: When you are in a conflict with your partner stop your arguing for a moment. Breathe deeply. Start thinking about what you love about this person, and what you are grateful for about them. Then remember that they are not your enemy. In the middle of a conflict it sure can feel that way. It can seem that they are attacking you and you are the victim. Instead of arguing your case back to them, listen to what they are saying and, more importantly, what they are feeling. Respond to what they are feeling. Own what you can about your part in whatever has upset them, this doesn’t mean agreeing with them, only that you can see that you have done something that upset them.

6) Touch well, touch often: Touch your partner as often as possible, and get them to touch you as often as possible. Skin to skin contact increases a hormone called oxytocin, the hormone of love. Oxytocin increases trust and a sense of safety; it reduces stress and increases sexual arousal. Most men and many women are touch deprived. In many cultures parents are taught not to “baby” their children and they interpret this as not cuddling them. Touch increases our overall sense of well being.

7) Play together. Be playful in your interactions. Have a sense of humor in times of stress. Find something playful to do that you both enjoy and make it a priority to keep it in your schedule. Play is critical to our sense of connection to others, and to our joy in life. In our culture we tend to get so serious and think that if an activity is not goal directed it has no purpose or meaning. Yet play expands our ability to think, develops creativity and gives us a sense of joy. Playing together in both structured and unstructured ways develops trust and engenders caring.

Staying connected requires time a commitment to the relationship. If you are willing to do all seven of these things, your relationship will flourish Even if you just do a few of them your relationship will fare better than many, certainly than those who first walk through the door of my counseling office.

Opening or closing in the moment....

by Susie and Otto

Are you opening with love to the people around you, whether it's your partner, other family
members or your co-workers, or are you finding that you are feeling tight, closed and
fearful as you go about your day?

If you find that you are reacting to all the doom and gloom that's in the news--as well as massive
changes that are happening in many people's lives, here are some ideas to help you get
through this period of time with more ease...

1. Take a moment several times a day to turn your attention inward to feel where you
are tight or constricted. Breathe into those areas of your body and relax.

A phrase that we have found to be helpful is as you breathe, silently speak or sing
the words "All is well."

This is not to diminish or sugar-coat what's happening but it's to calm yourself so that
you can have access to a clearer mind and be in a better place to help yourself and
others through these changes.

2. Remember to connect with those you love and those you come in contact with
throughout your day. It might be through listening. It might be simply making eye
contact with someone. It might be remembering why you love someone
and holding that in your heart.

Maybe you and I can't do anything about what's happening around the world but
we can affect what's happening in our world.

Become conscious of where your attention is, what thoughts you are thinking and
your actions.

Constriction cannot help us move through these changes but openness and love can.

We urge you now and always to continually be focusing on how you can be more open,
present and a light of love in the world.

When you do this, we know your relationship and life will work at a much higher level than
if you don't.

Do You Feel Free?

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Do you believe that someone has to give you your freedom? Do you believe that you can be free only when you have others' approval? Is your sense of freedom dependent upon what others think of you?If you believe that your freedom is dependent upon another or others, then you will wait forever to be free. You will feel free when you decide that you are going to do what feels right and loving to do for yourself, regardless of what others think.How do you reach a place where you are willing to trust yourself enough to follow your own inner guidance rather than be limited by others? How do you come to a place where you are willing to experience others' disapproval in order to be true to yourself?

This freedom comes from a deep place within regarding which intention is most important to you:
To control what others think of you, or
To support your own highest good.

These two intentions are mutually exclusive. You cannot be focused on trying to control getting others' approval or avoiding their disapproval, while at the same time be focused on lovingly supporting your own freedom and what is in your own highest good. You automatically limit your freedom when your concern over what others think of you is more important to you than your freedom to be yourself and do what feels good and right to you.Of course, it is challenging to trust your own inner promptings regarding what would bring you joy, and run the risk of losing someone who is important to you. But if that person truly cares about you, he or she will want you to do what brings you joy, unless what you want to do is likely to be harmful to you. For example, in the book quoted at the beginning of this article, Joan Anderson wanted to take a trip to Machu Picchu in Peru, but she was worried that her husband would be upset about her going. This is when her close friend, Joan Erickson, told her, "...no one ever pushes you toward freedom. You need to take that for yourself." She took the trip and it was one of the best things she ever did for herself!

What are you wanting to do that you are not doing because you are afraid of someone else's reaction - your partner's reaction, your parent's reaction, your children's reaction, your friends' reaction? How are you limiting your own freedom to control what others think of you? What are you doing in your attempt to please others that you don't want to be doing? In what ways are you giving yourself up to get others' approval? How do you feel inside when you make what others think more important to you than your own freedom and joy?Often resentment, anxiety, anger and depression are the result of not doing what we really want to do, not being who we really want to be - not being ourselves. Giving ourselves up to others may feel safe, but it will never feel joyous. Right now, think about something you REALLY want to do and are not doing out of fear of disapproval. Or think about something you are doing that you REALLY don't want to continue to do but keep doing to gain approval or avoid disapproval. How do you feel inside when you don't do what you want, or do what you don't want? Is it worth it?

Empathy at Work

by Mind Tools

"Tom is a great accountant, but his 'people' skills hold him back. I can't see how he'll ever be promoted unless he does something about it."Many of us know people who have reached a certain point in their careers because they have excellent technical skills - but they somehow don't get along with team members, because their people skills lag far behind their other job skills. This might be due to the insensitive manner in which they ask co-workers for things, the way they never seem to listen to what others say, or their intolerance for other working approaches.

Do you have colleagues like Tom? Or are you, perhaps, like Tom?Workers with poor people skills can often find themselves in the middle of unnecessary conflict. This can be exhausting and stressful for all concerned, and it can destroy even the best laid work plans. Many people are confident that they can develop new technical skills and knowledge through training and experience. However, there's a common belief that "you are how you are" when it comes to people skills - or "soft" skills - and that there's little or nothing you can do to change these.Fortunately, this is far from true. And a great place to start improving soft skills is by developing the ability to empathize with others.

What Is Empathy?
Empathy is simply recognizing emotions in others, and being able to "put yourself in another person's shoes" - understanding the other person's perspective and reality. To be empathic, you have to think beyond yourself and your own concerns. Once you see beyond your own world, you'll realize that there's so much to discover and appreciate! People who are accused of being egotistical and selfish, or lacking perspective, have often missed the big picture: that they are just single individuals in a world with billions of other people (although, yes, this can be overwhelming if you think about it too long!) If you've been called any of these things, then remind yourself that the world is full of other people, and you can't escape their influence on your life. It's far better to accept this, and to decide to build relationships and understanding, rather than try to stand alone all of the time.

Using Empathy Effectively
To start using empathy more effectively, consider the following:


1. Put aside your viewpoint, and try to see things from the other person's point of view. When you do this, you'll realize that other people most likely aren't being evil, unkind, stubborn, or unreasonable - they're probably just reacting to the situation with the knowledge they have.

2. Validate the other person's perspective. Once you "see" why others believe what they believe, acknowledge it. Remember: acknowledgement does not always equal agreement. You can accept that people have different opinions from your own, and that they may have good reason to hold those opinions.

3. Examine your attitude. Are you more concerned with getting your way, winning, or being right? Or, is your priority to find a solution, build relationships, and accept others? Without an open mind and attitude, you probably won't have enough room for empathy.

4. Listen. Listen to the entire message that the other person is trying to communicate.
Listen with your ears: What is he or she saying, and what tone is being used?
Listen with your eyes: What is the person doing with his or her body while speaking?
Listen with your instincts: Do you sense that the person is holding something important back?
Listen with your heart: What do you think the other person feels?

5. Ask what the other person would do. When in doubt, ask the person to explain his or her position. This is probably the simplest, and most direct, way to understand the other person. However, it's probably the least used way to develop empathy. It's fine if you ask what the other person wants: you don't earn any "bonus points" for figuring it out on your own. For example, the boss who gives her young team members turkey vouchers for the holidays, when most of them don't even cook, is using her idea of a practical gift - not theirs.

Practice these skills when you interact with people. You'll likely appear much more caring and approachable - simply because you have increased your interest in what others think, feel, and experience. It's a great gift to be willing and able to see the world from a variety of perspectives - and it's a gift that you can use all of the time, in any situation.

Here are some more tips for an empathic conversation:
- Pay attention, physically and mentally, to what's happening.
- Listen carefully, and note the key words and phrases that people use.
- Respond encouragingly to the central message.
- Be flexible - prepare to change direction as the other person's thoughts and feelings also change.
- Look for cues that you're on target.

Developing an empathic approach is perhaps the most significant effort you can make toward improving your people skills. When you understand others, they'll probably want to understand you - and this is how you can start to build cooperation, collaboration, and teamwork.

Healing Past Harmful Relationships

By Kathryn Seifert, Ph.D.

When you were a child, and you were hurt by an adult, you put up emotional walls to protect yourself from hurt, and to hold in anger. You didn't have the tools yet to deal with hurt and anger. The walls were useful while you were learning what it was all about. Maybe someone told you, "Don't cry." or "Be a big girl (boy)."

You probably knew that expressing anger toward adults was not wise in most cases. So, you needed walls to keep hurt out and anger in. The more severely you were hurt as a child, the higher and the thicker your walls are. Children do not have to be hurt directly to build high walls. They watch how adults in their lives handle hurt and anger. If the adults have high walls, the children learn that, too. If parents pay too little attention to children they build crusty, jagged walls.In some cases the walls last until adulthood.

As some people grow, they may learn to put windows or doors in their walls. Some learn to put them up and down at will. Some walls never come down for any reason. You can put your walls down at any time in your life as you learn the tools to deal with emotions.The walls keep out hurt, keep in anger, but they also keep out love and caring. Love comes in many forms. Love is as vital to our well-being as air and water. Love heals wounds, keeps us well, and teaches us new skills. As adults we can learn that the job of life is not to avoid pain with thick walls, but to learn to cope with it and learn from it. We miss too much that is important in life when our walls are too high or too thick.When we fall in love, we start to put those walls down.

We think, "Here is someone I can trust." Since all relationships have joy and pain, when we feel hurt, we put our walls back up. Then we don't feel pain, or anger, but we also don't feel love and joy. When relationships are healthy, we can put our walls back down fairly quickly, so that both partners can work on solving the problems and experience the love. When a partner continues to hurt you and is unable to stop, it may be time to walk away and that is difficult and painful. Then you have to decide where your walls will be for the next relationship. Where are your walls? What are they made of? Do you know?

Loving Yourself

You can never truly love another person and be loved in return unless you first love yourself. I have had many people ask me "What does that mean? I really don't understand how to do that." I ask these questions: Are you as kind, loving, caring, and understanding toward yourself as you would be toward someone else? If someone makes a mistake, for instance, do you chastise, belittle, or punish? Would you be understanding and try to help the person work through the crisis or problem that was created by the mistake? Do you take responsibility for other people's mistakes? If someone does something to hurt you, do you say "I must have deserved it?" Do you tell the person how you feel about what s/he did? Do you say no when you need to for your own well being? Can you balance the needs of others with your own needs? The answers to these questions will give you some idea about how important you are to yourself.This is not to say that you should become totally self-centered and care about no one but yourself. Balance is always important. We are not on this planet alone. We are part of a community and we are also part of ourselves. Both are important.

How do you love yourself more?

It may be necessary to figure out if there are reasons why you may not fully love yourself. These may have to do with childhood or relationship injuries. When someone that you trust says or does hurtful things to you, you may conclude that you are not worthwhile. It may be necessary to reframe those events.Think back to an event that was painful because someone evaluated you negatively. Picture that event clearly in your mind. See as many details as you can. What led up to the event? What was said? Who said what? What was the negative evaluation? What did you conclude about that? Did the person criticize the deed (mistake) or you, as a person. Was the criticism a regular part of the other person's style. Maybe the criticism had nothing to do with you at all. Maybe it had to do with an interaction style of another person.We know that the people have value. However, remember that every mistake has value, too - it teaches us something that makes future events easier, better, or more meaningful.

Step back into the picture (in your mind) with the new knowledge you now have. Instruct all the parties on the value of mistakes and the value of the mistake makers. Use your imagination. You are reframing the meaning of the event. Your mind will re-evaluate the circumstances and the event. You will emerge stronger and more enlightened. Every future event that is similar in some way will have new meaning for you. Your self-value will grow with each event that you reframe.As you learn to re-value yourself, learn to look at others in the same way. We are here to learn and to teach each other. We do this through our love of ourselves and each other.

The six letter words

by: motivation123

If you tell yourself something enough, you start to believe
it. It doesn't matter how true it is; repetition will make
sure it sets in just as if it were undeniable fact.

The trouble arrives, as I'm sure you'll agree, when you
believe in something that is not only untrue but also keeps
you from the things you want most. Even the strongest of
desires can be beaten down if enough myths stand in its
way.

And today's issue is focused on one of the strongest myths
around, one that lurks in the minds of millions. If you
believe it in your heart, you can't get everything you
want.

But if you can break free from its grip, things will never
be the same. You'll find the motivation you've been looking
for and enjoy the drive and excitement that comes from it
every day of the week.

Let's get started.

_________________________________________________

The Story of Mr. Jacobs
_________________________________________________

It haunts him even to this day. It doesn't matter what he
does with his time or what he thinks about as the hours
pass by, he will always remember the past and he will
always feel the pain.

After an emotional fight with his son, Mr. Jacobs stormed
out of the apartment and drove home with anger and
resentment in his heart. He had no idea that the silence
between them would last nearly ten years.

Those are years he can never get back. He can never see his
first grandchild crawling along the floor looking for
grandpa, never see her take her first step or hear those
first spoken words. Never.

All because he couldn't get past his fears and reconcile
with his son.

I'm sure he was afraid to make the first move, as was his
son. Fault lies on both ends. They were both afraid of
being vulnerable and didn't want to risk the pain of
rejection.

And that was when the myth entered the picture. Both Mr.
Jacobs and his son, along with millions of people around
the world, believed in an idea that kept them apart for ten
long years.

Had they known the truth, this sad situation never would
have taken place. They would have moved past their fears
and happily reconciled. But no on ever told them the secret
that I'm about to tell you.

_________________________________________________

The Six Letter Word
_________________________________________________

The myth that cheated Mr. Jacobs and his son of those ten
precious years was the belief that fears are better to
avoid than regrets.

It's understandable. The things we fear are in our face,
chasing us down at this moment. Regrets, on the other hand,
are far off and barely noticeable. We can easily feel the
pain of confronting our fears, but it's not so easy to know
how painful regret will be until we actually experience it.

However, if you're anything like me you already have a few
experiences with regret. It's part of life. But we make
ourselves forget the pain, we fight to suppress the
memories and the feelings so we can get over it and move
on.

But what I'm asking you to do is use that pain to make sure
it never happens again. Use that pain as incentive to go
after what you want with more power and passion than ever
before.

Use the six letter word (regret) to your advantage.

Right about now you might be asking yourself, 'I know I
don't want to deal with the pain of regret, but what if I
don't know what I want?' If this is true for you, keep on
reading. If not, you can move ahead to the next section.

I can tell you from personal experience that not knowing
what you want can be a confusing, frustrating and miserable
time. But there is an answer. There are very specific steps
you can take to discover what it is that you want, what
goals will make you happy.

_________________________________________________

The Truth that Will Set You Free
_________________________________________________

Here's the truth that I want you to remember each and every
time you feel hesitant about moving toward your goals:

The pain of regret far outweighs the fears we must face to
achieve our goals.

If you can get yourself to believe this truth then you will
be driven to succeed every day. Forgetting about everything
you can't change in your past, you are currently facing
only opportunities for success. And this is such a critical
point in your life because one of two forces will win out.

If the fears take control, you never get what you want. If
the realization that regret is overpowering and should be
avoided at all costs, you will be driven to succeed and get
everything you want in life.

So think about what you want right now. What goals are you
excited about going after and achieving? Then I want you to
think about never getting the chance to make any of them
happen. Make the vision as powerful as possible. Think
about how terrible the pain of regret would feel and how
you would do anything to do it all over again.

Use this fear to drive you forward. I know you don't want
to encounter the pain of regret when it's too late to do
anything about your goals. So use this idea to make sure it
never happens.

This idea alone can help you, but if you want the entire
solution to taking control of your life like never before
you'll want to learn about The Motivated Mind. If you can
follow six simple stages you will be motivated to do
whatever it takes to achieve your goals.

By unlocking the power you already have inside your mind
and body you can literally change your entire life using
the step-by-step program outline in The Motivated Mind.

The greatest successes in the world use these six steps,
and in a few moments you can learn not only what they are
but also how to make them a part of your life forever.

Is being too romantic sabotaging your relationship....

by sedona.com

When it comes to having the “perfect” relationship, the pressure is on. Perhaps you are basing your expectations off of your parents’ example (assuming they’re still happily together), or, more likely, you’re basing it off the whimsical scenes from TV shows like “The Bachelor” or movies like “Cinderella” -- always those with the fairy tale endings.

In the real world, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a little romance -- intimate talks in front of the fire, taking off for a spontaneous weekend away … as long as you expect, and accept, the not-so-romantic moments too, such as taking the kids to school, washing the dishes, or taking over if your partner is sick.

“Most of us -- when we are wanting to be in the right romantic relationship for us -- sabotage ourselves by creating a fantasy of what the relationship should look like in order to be ‘the one,’” says Hale Dwoskin, CEO and director of training of Sedona Training Associates. “The more complex and detailed the fantasy, the more likely it is you will be disappointed.”

Goals are Good … Fantasies are Not so Good

The difference between a goal and a fantasy is a fine one, but the major distinguishing point is that goals are always attainable. Fantasies, meanwhile, may never come true.

Case in point, if you expect everyday in your relationship to feel like the first time you met … this is a fantasy. If you imagine you and your partner never arguing or doing anything mundane … also fantasy. If you expect to always love your partner, and be loved in return, regardless of some ups and downs, now this is a goal you can achieve.

“It is great to have clear goals for what you want; however, if you live life based on fantasy you are creating artificial barriers to having the relationship that is truly right for you,” Dwoskin says.

That’s because by expecting to live out a romantic fairy tale, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. This doesn’t mean you can’t be incredibly happy, fulfilled and in love -- you can be. But getting to that point isn’t a matter of living with your head in the clouds, it’s a matter of getting clear about what you want.

“Remember, it is not that you should not have what you want, it is that if you create a huge fantasy it can become impossible to fulfill in real life,” Dwoskin says.

“The best thing to do is get clear on what you do want, set it up as a goal and then release on the goal with The Sedona Method goals process until you feel OK whether or not you achieve the goal,” he continues.

The Sedona Method Goals Process -- Becoming “Hootless”

In order to get the relationship you’re dreaming of, you must first let go of the desire. This may sound strange, but you’re more likely to achieve a goal when you stop desiring it. For instance, many people have experienced a fervent search for love, only to come up empty. The moment they gave up and stopped looking, they met their future spouse.

The same goes for having your “perfect” relationship. You must first release this fantasy, or as Lester Levenson, the founder of The Sedona Method, put it, you must not give a hoot if it goes your way or not.

You can learn all about releasing using The Sedona Method. You’ll find that as you bring your desire for the perfect romance up to be released, both your attachments and aversions (or fears) toward these feelings will come up into your awareness.

Then you can let them go. Only in this way can you be happy with your relationship as it is right now.

“If you are getting stuck with this process you can ask yourself ‘Would I rather fantasize about having the perfect relationship or would I rather have it?’” Dwoskin points out. “If you would rather have it, then let go of all fantasies.”